he said he has "Alot going on"

[SamTaylor20]

Hey! So for context, I am a female dating a guy, we are both in our 20s and have been dating for around 4 months.

We arent official at the moment but things are going really great, we get on very, very well, we speak daily throughout the day, just general chit chat and we see each other very regularly too. Usually instigated by him! he is very hands-on and affectionate, always makes effort, etc. My family had a barbeque on Saturday and he and his friend were invited and they came, he spent time with my mother as it was her birthday, was a nice night. He spent the night and left at around 11 am as he goes to the gym regularly, he said he might come back after gym but he ended up going home as he felt too shattered. Which I was absolutely fine with. So yes, leading up to this point, all seems to be going well with not one red flag!

Now tell me if I'm being too much here and it will only be because I am rather desperate for this to work out (I am VERY into him).

This week I've noticed a change in his effort to keep up a conversation, he is taking ALOT longer to respond via text, so it's not actually a conversation that flows, it's half-hearted responses, etc.
When he does respond he will apologize and say he's just been so busy at work, but when he goes home I don't hear from him in the evening either. I then will get a message in the morning saying he apologizes and that he has been feeling so tired lately, fell asleep super early, and just wasn't on his phone.

Anyway, the same thing happened yesterday and I received a text this morning saying "I'm so sorry, I've just had so much going on at the moment, I'm feeling quite stressed out x", I felt bad for him as I know he does work super hard. So I just replied "that's fine, I hope you are genuinely okay? I'm here if you need me but you've got this, don't doubt yourself x" he didn't read it nor reply, that was at 9 am this morning. I just went to message him and can see he is online, which means he has seen my message and just not opened it.

My gut has gone into meltdown and is saying he just doesn't want to talk to me and has lost interest? but I also do know it's only been a few days, should I just let it flow and see? or should I confront him about it?

I must add I am very insecure, so I don't want that to cloud my thoughts of him.

Thank you, everyone, I am sorry if I sound ridiculous, I am super into him, which I think he knows, and as much as I'm playing it cool, inside I am super panicked.

Sam
xx

Hi OP, was this the first time he met your family? My guess (and I've been in your shoes plenty of times) is that made it all a bit too real and relationship like for him which for whatever reason he isn't after with you and is now cowardly messing you around.

I've been very insecure before and trust me when you meet the right one they will fall away and you won't have to doubt how into you they are.

Another one here saying he’s mucking you around. You’ve done nothing wrong (well from what you’ve told us) sometimes these things don’t work out. Don’t beat yourself up.

Please don't message him again. He.is backing off but not ending it entirely to keep you hanging on. I also think that if a guy likes you enough he will commit to a relationship within a short while, a man in love won't risk losing it. Don't put yourself into a position where a man's needs trump your own. Learn a lesson from this, don't make your life about a man, the right man will fit into your life.

I would agree with a lot of the other posters ... but just a thought on my own situation right now ...

Had been chatting to someone OLD for a couple of weeks .. met once and seemed so far so good
Then a recent family drama made me pull back a bit as I'm a bit down and not really in the right frame of mind to be chatting or dating .. and we weren't close enough to share our expect support or understanding ... it took me a couple of days to be honest with him and say I'm not really able to carry on just now , he didn't seem to get it so left it a few days then text me again saying did I want to meet up etc

He's doing nothing wrong
I've done nothing wrong
Just my focus right now is elsewhere ...

Sorry ... wanted to end that with
Tired , fed up , stressed etc
Possibly he's got stuff going on too that you are not aware of ...

For the people who say the OP is being needy, the man told her he thinks he’s going to have a breakdown because he is so stressed. So what is OP supposed to do? Just shrug and say “ah ok then,”?

I guarantee that if someone posted here that they’d told the person they’d been seeing for several months that they felt on the verge of a breakdown and the bloke hadn’t even responded or offered any kind of sympathy/to be there, the response would be that he’s an uncaring twat.

Op would be damned if she did, damned if she didn’t.

And as for all that “I just want to be alone,” crap they spout, it’s code for “I don’t want you around.” And even if he did just want to be alone, who the hell wants to be in a relationship with someone who shuts down and refuses all contact whenever they’ve had a bad day. Stuff that.

OP don’t put yourself down though. You would rather be alone than with a game playing twat. So consider that you’ve had a lucky escape even if you haven’t got a relationship out of it.

Eh? You don't sound needy, he sounds like he needs a bit of time alone. He'll be back in touch tomorrow and Choi can move forward.
However, whey are you not an " item" - why is he holding back over that?

I would be wary of someone who closes up when they are stressed. You'll always feel on the outside when times are tough, which makes matters worse. Probably dodged a bullet OP.

He sounds like a drama queen and not too much into you. I would leave it.

Dump him and give him a grammar/spelling workbook as a parting gift.

They always say they're 'so busy with work' when they can't be arsed messaging/are not longer interested/are talking to someone else. Funnily enough, they're never too busy with work when they're chasing the thrill and the sex at the onset.

It will do you no good tying yourself in knots wondering what you could have done or said differently, wondering what the magic buzz words would be to make him like you, or beating yourself up thinking that anything that you have done has caused this. You haven't done anything wrong. He is just not being transparent with you.

The only thing I would say is stop tripping over yourself to be the rescuer. Not because it's a character flaw, but because you could one day find yourself cast in this role indefinitely in a serious relationship and it would suck.

Bin this one in the mean time. He's not bringing anything to the table, he will string you along, your confidence will take a knock, and he's a snowflake too.

If I man really likes you then you'll know. This was advice I took a long time to follow myself.

He sounds a bit dramatic and manipulative to be honest. If he's so stressed you want him to say ' can wait to see you so you can make me feel better/relax/support etc' . Pushing you away at the early stages says a lot about what he'd be like long term.

OP you sound lovely and deserve to be with someone who cherishes you and wants to share things with you....not someone who is going to fob you off with excuses the minute they get a bit stressed.
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We're all tired ffs - doesn't mean we can't send a message to our partner.

Your gut is telling you he's backing off for a reason.

You can do better darling

apparently things have changed, and now people need to “make things official” before being considered to be together

Right, so unless it's "Insta-official" or "Facebook official" then it isn't a relationship. Silly me.

When I got together with my ex, we met on a Monday (no this isn't a Craig David song) in a club in Sheffield where he had come from Birmingham and played in a band - it was a jam night. We spoke every day on the phone - not messaging - he came to Barnsley to see me the following Saturday, we saw each other every weekend and often on Wednesdays, spoke every day. He told me he loved me after about six weeks, we slept together then. I don't think he ever said "Will you be my girlfriend?" it just happened. We were together for years and are still friends now (it just fizzled after many years).

Not read all the thread....

People get busy. Try and take a step back.

And the saying ' you got this' .... It completely minimises what people are feeling.

@spotcheck

Not read all the thread....

People get busy. Try and take a step back.

And the saying ' you got this' .... It completely minimises what people are feeling.

'you got this' is one of my pet hates. Loathe the saying. It is meaningless bollox.

When I have experienced the backing off over messages, etc it has usually been the beginning of the end. It seems to be how a lot of men (and maybe women) begin the cool-down.

He may be stressed and tired but if him backing away from you when this happens is how he reacts to it then it's not a great sign for the future is it?

Personally I'd tell him it's clear he doesn't have the headspace/time for a relationship right now and that this current communication (or lack of it) isn't working for you so wish him all the best.

My bf has a history of depression and anxiety so I know sometimes people need a bit of space (as do I) but there's a bit of space and there's taking the piss.

I agree with what someone upthread said before:

No-one is that busy.

You seem rather nice, and so does he. My lean on what is going on (I’m a bloke), is he’s going through some stuff and he doesn’t want to dump any of it on you. We guys do get into this bullshit mindset of having to be strong all the time. I think he’s scared of losing it in front of you and appearing weak. I suspect you are both mirroring one another’s anxieties.

What leads me to say all this is when the natural flow of your communication was suddenly delayed he reached out unprompted to apologise and explain he had a lot on.

If anything I suspect you are both keen to take this relationship to the next level of emotional depth and commitment, but are both shitting yourselves over it. Plus I do genuinely think he’s got a lot on atm. Hope it all works out.

I agree with @Dervel.

Don’t write him off yet, we all bang on about men’s mental health but when he has told you that he’s struggling right now the majority of posters are telling you he’s fucking you around.

Give it a few more days, wait for him to text you. Honestly you don’t know what’s going on in his life right now but he has reached out to you to apologise for being busy, and he said he didn’t want you to back off. Step back and stop over analysing, he sounds like he really does just have a lot going on.

He'll be in touch again op. When he wants sex.

Someone nailed it earlier on in the thread when they posted about him meeting your mum and then freaking out as he doesnt want to be your boyfriend.

Get on with your life op. You're fine , you're not needy, he's just not on the same page as you.

Morning Everyone,

Thanks for all of your responses.

I agree with those who have said take a step back and I have a clearer head about it all today so I feel a lot better than I did yesterday.

Last night he texted and attempted to continue the conversation from earlier on in the day. I didn't respond as had some work to do from home and I was rather reeling after the thread and how many had opened my eyes to his shitty behavior.

I then received a call from him, he was apologetic again and was saying he realizes how shit he has been recently and that he really doesn't want to push me away or lose me.

I said I understand that we all go through situations that sometimes can cloud other aspects of our life but that I would like him to focus on himself for a while as I think he has some stuff to figure out that, that I cant be a part of.

He spent a lot of time trying to reassure me about us and our situation and seemed genuine, but who actually knows anymore.

I told him that I'll think about things, as I do want to be with someone that makes me feel secure, and at the moment he isn't doing that.
He promised that he is going to improve, I just played it cool and said we would speak another time.

I've received quite a few texts since then, especially today. It's funny how suddenly he doesn't seem as busy.

I feel like I have my wall up a lot now with him, which is a shame but I guess unless he proves me wrong it should stay that way.

For those saying me using the term "you got this" was meaningless ect and comes across as condescending, I guess what works for others, doesn't for some and that's fine. He thanked me after that message for always being there for him and that I make him feel as though he can do anything, so if that is true, I'm glad for him it works.

Thank you all again :)

You've let him know you won't be treated like that so now he can either adapt his behaviour, or not.

He seems like he's wanting to make the effort so let him and see what happens.

Seeing as it's the weekend - he may now be looking to get laid.
Play it very cool.
He sounds like a tyre kicker and way too much hard work.

He sounds like the hot and cold type, you back off and then it gets his interest, but do you want to keep playing that game? It will get exhausting and make you feel like it's going two steps forward and three steps back.

I agree with @Leshan , if you are going to give him a chance , don't have sex with him until you're sure he's worth the effort. Until he's willing to call you his girlfriend and make sustained effort to be a reliable presence in your life.