he said he has "Alot going on"

[SamTaylor20]

Hey! So for context, I am a female dating a guy, we are both in our 20s and have been dating for around 4 months.

We arent official at the moment but things are going really great, we get on very, very well, we speak daily throughout the day, just general chit chat and we see each other very regularly too. Usually instigated by him! he is very hands-on and affectionate, always makes effort, etc. My family had a barbeque on Saturday and he and his friend were invited and they came, he spent time with my mother as it was her birthday, was a nice night. He spent the night and left at around 11 am as he goes to the gym regularly, he said he might come back after gym but he ended up going home as he felt too shattered. Which I was absolutely fine with. So yes, leading up to this point, all seems to be going well with not one red flag!

Now tell me if I'm being too much here and it will only be because I am rather desperate for this to work out (I am VERY into him).

This week I've noticed a change in his effort to keep up a conversation, he is taking ALOT longer to respond via text, so it's not actually a conversation that flows, it's half-hearted responses, etc.
When he does respond he will apologize and say he's just been so busy at work, but when he goes home I don't hear from him in the evening either. I then will get a message in the morning saying he apologizes and that he has been feeling so tired lately, fell asleep super early, and just wasn't on his phone.

Anyway, the same thing happened yesterday and I received a text this morning saying "I'm so sorry, I've just had so much going on at the moment, I'm feeling quite stressed out x", I felt bad for him as I know he does work super hard. So I just replied "that's fine, I hope you are genuinely okay? I'm here if you need me but you've got this, don't doubt yourself x" he didn't read it nor reply, that was at 9 am this morning. I just went to message him and can see he is online, which means he has seen my message and just not opened it.

My gut has gone into meltdown and is saying he just doesn't want to talk to me and has lost interest? but I also do know it's only been a few days, should I just let it flow and see? or should I confront him about it?

I must add I am very insecure, so I don't want that to cloud my thoughts of him.

Thank you, everyone, I am sorry if I sound ridiculous, I am super into him, which I think he knows, and as much as I'm playing it cool, inside I am super panicked.

Sam
xx

@YerAWizardHarry Thank you, I guess everyone really is different. What are your thoughts on my guy's behavior? is this a red flag?

Yeah i don't think I'd be happy about seeing someone for 4 months and not being exclusive (not unless it was always set up to be a casual thing)

1. A relationship has to be about everyone being happy. It isn't up to him to decide when to see you.

1. He could be very busy and as he's met your family he might think he's shown his intentions and if he's busy he can relax a bit?

So I'm very serious about my boyfriend and some weeks we can talk for hours and other weeks when we're not together we barely talk if we're busy.

I don't think he's that interested.
It's hard when that happens.
Honestly, if a man really likes you, he will make a clear effort and you will know.

I'd just ask him what we are. Something like 'because my aunt was asking at the barbecue and I was going to say you were my partner but I realise we've not actually even had the talk yet'. His reaction should tell you all you need to know. If he responds positively, great. If he seems hesitant or like he is looking for the nearest exit, time to pan him.

I'm 50 for context... I would say he probably feels a bit more relaxed now! And when you're working hard constant texting is really hard work... are you working?

I'd say leave him to it and enjoy when you see him... maybe he feels a bit backed into a corner? 4 months is quite quick to be introducing parents etc

Just take a deep breath and chill

I have a friend just like you OP. She never fails to meet men, but never maintains anything because she's so insecure and anxious.
I don't mean this to bash you by the way, just trying to understand.
So often the men she meets back off and end things, not because of a specific thing she's done but because she is so highly strung and it shows in all her behaviours. It's sad and I feel very sorry for her.
So if you're saying you have low self esteem / insecurities, my best advise would be to work on them, because no matter how good you think you are at masking tjem, you won't be. And it becomes too much to handle for most people.
I hope you're okay.

Suddenly not available in the evenings then texting either before going home to say how knackered he is or first thing in the morning? I’d say he’s almost certainly seeing someone else.

And given you’re not even official after 4 months he clearly has no intentions of having a future with you.

I wouldn’t ask him, I would just chuck this one back and move on. The beginning of a relationship isn’t meant to be this hard. If it is then it’s a clear sign it ain’t meant to be.

For what it's worth, I agree with the previous posters that you're gut is telling you he's backing off. From what you've said, it does sound like he is. I don't want to make you upset as I've been there, it's horrible, but the best thing you can do is just back off him completely. He may or may not come chasing but hanging onto the scraps he's giving is just delaying things for you and will dent your confidence. It sounds to me like he's maybe met someone else and is trying to back off you like a coward.

I also agree you wouldn't be unofficial after 4 months if he is really into you. I'm so sorry, it's hard but chasing him now would be the worst thing you could do. Backing off now completely would either spur him on to see what he's missing or of it didn't, you'd have got a bit of space and would hopefully move on faster. Dating is really hard :(

OP, this would be a bit of a red flag for me, sorry, I think when a guy is interested in you it doesn't matter how busy they are, they will find the time to send you a quick message, it literally does take seconds and also they'd want to see you and find the time to. I bet you would see him more in the week if he was up for it wouldn't you? that's how you want him to feel, that he can't wait to see or hear from you.

I spent years dating before meeting my OH, one tip I would give you, read The Rules, I swore by it, it's brilliant

[quote SamTaylor20]@Umberellatheweatha Thank you for this, it's really helpful to have an outsider view on things, because yes I guess I've been behaving rather naively.
Yes, we do meet a couple of times a week, everything is pretty much his call though so I guess he has me right where he wants me if that's the case.
How would I approach that with him?[/quote]
You are too available for him.....go and live your life and you make the calls from now on. Step away, go and get some help with your anxiety as it will plague you in every relationship. Make sure you are still seeing friends and family and make sure you are still dating other men. You aren't exclusive with this guy so go and have some more fun with other men!

He's just not that into you. & He may have met someone else. You're not his priority.

More women should do what men do - in the new phase keep options light, be open to dating other men, until or unless it's clear you're exclusive, the talk about that's been had etc, & the actions match the talk. No throwing all eggs into one basket immediately because the man 'seems' a good option

I'm sorry to say OP but I think he's having second thoughts. Maybe he's just not that into you, maybe he's met someone else. In your shoes I would back off completely and mentally tell myself it was over. Let him make it happen if he wants it to happen. Don't initiate a conversation but reply to his and don't suggest meeting. See how long it takes for him to suggest a meet up. I'm sad to say I doubt he will ever suggest it. Good luck.

Maybe he does have a lot going on, I couldn't be doing with texting someone throughout the day.

@Umberellatheweatha

I usually find that if they haven't asked you out within 10 weeks (honestly it's usually more like 5 or 6) then they don't want to be your bf. Assuming you are meeting at least once or twice each week.

What he has been doing is love bombing you by the sounds of things. And now he is blowing cold.
And your gut is picking up on it. You'll soon get the 'it's not you it's me' and the 'I'm not ready for a relationship right now' lines I'd expect.

If I were you I think I'd maybe boot him first. He is making you feel insecure and hasn't asked you out after 4 bloody months of seeing him. So youd be reasonable to walk.

I can understand that you want to see how things pan out though. But usually when things are good relationship wise, theres no insecurity.

Am I being a bit thick here? The OP says she has been dating a guy for 4 months. So what is dating if it is not asking someone out? What am I missing?

Ignore the PP that said “You made it too easy “. It’s not the 1950s, men who genuinely want a relationship don’t have such a sexist view.

Am I being a bit thick here? The OP says she has been dating a guy for 4 months. So what is dating if it is not asking someone out? What am I missing? apparently things have changed, and now people need to “make things official” before being considered to be together,and in the meantime they’re free to see (and sleep with) whoever they want.

Personally I have no idea how anyone sticks at the dating thing these days, it sounds far to exhausting and stressful. Think if I was in the position I would rather stay single.

@Sandra15

The op says 'we arent official at the moment'

Sounds like 'seeing someone'. Which isn't quite early dating stages but nor is it in a relationship. It's a wishy washy inbetween state.

Maybe he does have a lot going on, I couldn't be doing with texting someone throughout the day. but he’s gone from texting regularly to not texting at all, and when he does coming out with some kind of excuse as to why he can’t.

Ironically these texts always seem to come early in the morning, or just before he leaves work.

Honestly if they hadn’t been seeing each other for a while I would say he’s married because the pattern is typical, hence why I think he’s likely seeing someone else.

I’m my experience, when guys back off like this it’s been because their feelings have been hurt eg something has made them feel jealous or insecure. They are trying to communicate that but don’t seem to know how. That’s just my own personal observation, had anything happened that he might have become jealous about? Taken something you said the wrong way perhaps? Xx

@Sacredspace

@Sacredspace

I’m my experience, when guys back off like this it’s been because their feelings have been hurt eg something has made them feel jealous or insecure. They are trying to communicate that but don’t seem to know how. That’s just my own personal observation, had anything happened that he might have become jealous about? Taken something you said the wrong way perhaps? Xx

I don't know about that, in my experience when guys back off like that it's because they're not that into to you or have other things/people taking their interest

If that's your full name on your user name op it might be a bit outing

Sounds like he’s just not that into you. Move on. So sorry x

@AryaStarkWolf Thank you, I guess I never really thought about it too much, I did just think we were on the same page and moving gracefully. We never agreed to casual, he had said he was only interested in me and can see a future in it. Bleh!

@Sakurami Thank you, I do realize I need to relax quite a bit. I wish I wasn't so panicky. I will ease back for sure and see what happens. I just have a bad gut feeling.

@Leshan I agree! I felt he was very into me and interested before, the drastic change is unsettling.

@Umberellatheweatha That is a good approach. I think I will attempt this, I guess it's all about timing. He hasn't responded to my last message.

@Tangledtresses Thank you! it's useful to get different views so I appreciate your advice. I would like to think that's what has happened but I can't help but feel as though something is up, do you think I'm just overreacting?

@Schrutesbeets Thank you, I'm okay, just in my head a lot right now. I do recognize my behavior is rather unhealthy, I have been this way for as long as I can remember. I really do allow my anxiety and insecurities to take over, so I do need to work on that for myself and others.

@AlternativePerspective ah that's what I was afraid of. Thank you for opening my eyes, I feel like such a fool.

@SwimSwim It is hard isn't I! it feels really shitty and I didn't expect to feel this way after such a short time. I thought he was as genuine as i was being with him. I think your right though, he's just not interested. Ah!

@2me2u2u2me Thank you, you must be right. I can feel it. He's not interested. He seemed so interested in me on Saturday, what the fuck happened? Your very right, I am a little infatuated with him right now, I wish he felt the same.
Thank you for your recommendation, I will have a read for sure.

@litterbird Thank you, your right, I am very available. I'm ashamed to say it's probably a jump and how high situation. I'm one of those people that can only sort of focus on one person at a time? if you know what I mean, I guess that's really not healthy.

@DeeCeeCherry I can see that now, it's hit me like a truck. Thank you though, I appreciate it.

@InTheNightGarter Thank you, that's how I intend on handling it, I will just accept it's over and that he's distancing himself. That feels worse than I thought it may.