he said he has "Alot going on"

[SamTaylor20]

Hey! So for context, I am a female dating a guy, we are both in our 20s and have been dating for around 4 months.

We arent official at the moment but things are going really great, we get on very, very well, we speak daily throughout the day, just general chit chat and we see each other very regularly too. Usually instigated by him! he is very hands-on and affectionate, always makes effort, etc. My family had a barbeque on Saturday and he and his friend were invited and they came, he spent time with my mother as it was her birthday, was a nice night. He spent the night and left at around 11 am as he goes to the gym regularly, he said he might come back after gym but he ended up going home as he felt too shattered. Which I was absolutely fine with. So yes, leading up to this point, all seems to be going well with not one red flag!

Now tell me if I'm being too much here and it will only be because I am rather desperate for this to work out (I am VERY into him).

This week I've noticed a change in his effort to keep up a conversation, he is taking ALOT longer to respond via text, so it's not actually a conversation that flows, it's half-hearted responses, etc.
When he does respond he will apologize and say he's just been so busy at work, but when he goes home I don't hear from him in the evening either. I then will get a message in the morning saying he apologizes and that he has been feeling so tired lately, fell asleep super early, and just wasn't on his phone.

Anyway, the same thing happened yesterday and I received a text this morning saying "I'm so sorry, I've just had so much going on at the moment, I'm feeling quite stressed out x", I felt bad for him as I know he does work super hard. So I just replied "that's fine, I hope you are genuinely okay? I'm here if you need me but you've got this, don't doubt yourself x" he didn't read it nor reply, that was at 9 am this morning. I just went to message him and can see he is online, which means he has seen my message and just not opened it.

My gut has gone into meltdown and is saying he just doesn't want to talk to me and has lost interest? but I also do know it's only been a few days, should I just let it flow and see? or should I confront him about it?

I must add I am very insecure, so I don't want that to cloud my thoughts of him.

Thank you, everyone, I am sorry if I sound ridiculous, I am super into him, which I think he knows, and as much as I'm playing it cool, inside I am super panicked.

Sam
xx

I would dump him for the poor grammar.

Just a general update for everyone, this is how our conversation just went, I think you are all mind readers I feel so foolish

him: So sorry, I've had first aid training all day today, I'm drained"
me: "Are you sure everything is okay?"
him: "yes, are you?"
me: "Yeah.. what's going on with you?"
him: "Nothing, I'm good, i feel like I'm going to have a break down"
me: "why? What's going on?"
him: "I've just been so busy, it feels never-ending"
me: "well you do need to rest, why don't you come over later, and ill cook for us?"
him: "no i need to be alone x"
me: "Why?"
him: "do you not listen to what I say?"
me: "Yes of course i do, but i don't see why you being exhausted means you have to be alone, I'm trying to be there for you"
him: "i know that its just because i need to focus on me and not everyone else for once"
me: "Okay that's fair, I'm going to give you some space to figure your head out"
him: "no I'm not saying do that, your perfect, I'm just going through a lot"

I haven't responded or opened it. I just feel rather let down.

I'm sorry but he's trying to tell you to back off. You're trying hard not to cling but you're still doing it. I would put money on him wanting to end it but not yet getting the guts to. Sorry.

You both sound quite immature, sorry op. All of this 'are YOU okay?', 'no, are YOU OK?'. 'I'm going to have a breakdown.'
Its all so trivial. Why don't you step away from the constant messages and just catch up when you see each other. If he doesn't want to see you then there's your answer.

OP there could be a few things going on here and this is just my opinion,

1. If a man likes you, he's not going to wait four months in order for you to be his girlfriend. If someone is really into you, they want that made official because they're worried someone else will snap you up.

1. I'm busy at work, so will not have time to text during the day. That doesn't mean anything to me. It depends what his job is but I would be with clients all day so can't sit there texting. Some people aren't into texting, I'm not, I find it irritating.

1. It's four months in, he's met your family and you've both agreed not to sleep with other people but he's yet to make you his girlfriend. That tells me that he's stringing you along until someone better comes along. He also seems to be backing off as well, he could be seeing someone else. However, the three month mark tends to be the time in a relationship where it either ends or moves into something more serious.

1. In conclusion - I would straight out ask what's going on and move on if he messes you around from here on in. Everything seems to be on his terms with you fretting that he's going to leave if you put a foot wrong. That's not a relationship you want to be in, so let him. Have 'the talk' and see if his actions and words match. Eg 'Yeah honey babes, I do want to be in a relationship with you, course I do.' Yet his behaviour remains half arsed.

OP work on your self esteem. You're the prize here. If someone is treating you like an option they just can't be bothered with, that isn't going to get better and you are better off alone.

@SamTaylor20

Just a general update for everyone, this is how our conversation just went, I think you are all mind readers I feel so foolish

him: So sorry, I've had first aid training all day today, I'm drained"
me: "Are you sure everything is okay?"
him: "yes, are you?"
me: "Yeah.. what's going on with you?"
him: "Nothing, I'm good, i feel like I'm going to have a break down"
me: "why? What's going on?"
him: "I've just been so busy, it feels never-ending"
me: "well you do need to rest, why don't you come over later, and ill cook for us?"
him: "no i need to be alone x"
me: "Why?"
him: "do you not listen to what I say?"
me: "Yes of course i do, but i don't see why you being exhausted means you have to be alone, I'm trying to be there for you"
him: "i know that its just because i need to focus on me and not everyone else for once"
me: "Okay that's fair, I'm going to give you some space to figure your head out"
him: "no I'm not saying do that, your perfect, I'm just going through a lot"

I haven't responded or opened it. I just feel rather let down.

Sounds like he's stringing you along and trying to mess with your head tbh I'd give him a wide berth for now If I were you

I’m sorry to hear your update. It shouldn’t have to be this hard, if I were you I’d delete his number and move on. Just ignore him and focus on meeting somebody who’s serious and wants a relationship. I know it hurts but you will move on. This guy is a time waster.

@Beeeeeeeeeeeeeep Thank you, I think that's where my head is at now, I just needed shaking.

@Schrutesbeets I do agree it is immature, I'm just going to move with thinking in my head it's over, I don't want to keep questioning myself.

@username059471 Thank you I agree with your message completely, he isn't being honest about what the problem is but wants to continue stringing me along. How do I end it?

@AryaStarkWolf Thank you, im going to

I think "official" and "exclusive" are different. OP said they have agreed they're not going to see anyone else so "exclusive" but they haven't labelled it gf/bf so not "official"

I think the red flag was going to your mum's birthday so early on and spending time with her. I'm getting a whiff of a love bomb.

Then he massively backs off, then when you make an accurate and measured comment that he needs time alone he tells you you're perfect...

I don't like it. Feels iffy.

@Anitawiglit12 Thank you, I'm thankful for this thread because I would have hopelessly continued the games. I thought it really had a future.

He wants to be alone this evening. He’s got a lot on at the moment. That all reads really genuinely to me. He’s also said you’re perfect. Give him some space and see what happens. I don’t get a sense that he’s playing you.

@singlehun Thank you I knew something was up. It really is Iffy.

[quote SamTaylor20]@singlehun Thank you I knew something was up. It really is Iffy.[/quote]
Mate, I've been there more than once!

I would advise forgetting him OP, even before I read your update I was going to say this sounded VERY similar to a thing I had with a guy in my early 20s (he was a couple of years younger than me). Quite into me at the start but then got lazy/wouldn't commit/strung me along for quite a long time. He made a whole range of excuses (including going on about how great I was... not great enough to be "official" with though... god the time I wasted on immature idiots who "didn't want a label"... ) and I was beyond understanding but ultimately he just couldn't really be bothered, but enjoyed the comfort of having someone there in the background. This guy's responses to you were quite rude tbh and dismissive, I actually don't think this has anything to do with you being overly needy or whatever. He's not giving what you want in a relationship so what's the point.

I know some people don't like to text all the time but you can definitely see a marked difference when a guy starts fading away/rethinking things having previously talked to you a lot. Being busy or tired is one thing but more often than not that gut feeling is accurate. When I met my now-partner we messaged a lot every day because for both of us it was just a joy to talk to each other and find out more about each other all the time. You need to find someone who matches your energy. If someone is making you feel insecure or second-guess things or just not happy, it's time to move on

If you want to end it (and good for you) - I would arrange to meet and just say that he seems to be very busy and doesn't seem to have time for a relationship. Collect your stuff, if there's anything you've left at his. Quick hug and delete and block.

@username059471

If you want to end it (and good for you) - I would arrange to meet and just say that he seems to be very busy and doesn't seem to have time for a relationship. Collect your stuff, if there's anything you've left at his. Quick hug and delete and block.

Also this, I think this would be a succint and polite way of ending it and enabling you to move on to better things!

@SamTaylor20..... Read that conversation again. Can you see how needy you sound?

@username059471 has it right. You are the one that will do for now, but he realises that you are getting clingy, so he is backing off. I guess when he met your family he saw himself getting sucked into a boyfriend situation, which made him want to run and duck.

Two books you may find helpful:
Women who love too much (stupid title but excellent insights)
The six pillars of self esteem

@SamTaylor20 reading that conversation he’s definitely backing off. Sounds a bit like “it’s not you it’s me” . Being busy is such a typical excuse to start the distancing....then getting annoyed when you suggest seeing each other is also standard. Let this one go as even if he doesn’t disappear completely straight away he will feed you breadcrumbs now until he does.

I'm just glad you have your answer op. It's a shit feeling! Hope you're okay xx

He suddenly saw the situation through his friend's eyes at your family barbeque OP, he's really not up for anything serious.

You know deep down he's got at least one foot out the door.

OP, have you ever actually been to his place?

I'm sorry OP but he isn't into this. He's told you so many times in that convo alone! If you keep replying like that you're just getting more and more needy, as harsh as that sounds. You need to back off now and give him the space he's asked for tons of times !

Don’t message him again. What ever is going on with him, the ball is definitely in his court. In my experience when texting starts to slow it’s not a good sign.

Backing off is the only way that he might become interested again. If he does start up texting you again, don’t be too available. Let him know you’re not there to be picked up and put down.

In my experience, you can tell when someone is losing interest in you. They stop making an effort, you find you have to do all the running, they start finding excuses not to spend time with you.

If someone is into you, in the early stage of a relationship, they will, within reason, want to spend as much time with you as possible.

You should trust your instincts, OP. As others have said, by all means give him the space he is asking for, but try not to invest too heavily in the relationship, because it isn't looking very promising.

Hey everyone, sorry you have all been so helpful, keeping up with the messages is alot!

I do agree I look super needy, I definitely needed this rude awakening because I am acting pathetically.

@AlternativePerspective Yeah I have, quite a few times, he lives alone, quite a lot of my stuff is at his place but after this, I don't want any of it back, if he asks ill tell him to bin it.

It sucks, I guess I am too needy and I really thought I was improving, to be honest. I feel rather silly to be hurt over it all but id rather is hurt than looking like an idiot I guess.