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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he said he has "Alot going on"

137 replies

SamTaylor20 · 01/07/2021 14:23

Hey! So for context, I am a female dating a guy, we are both in our 20s and have been dating for around 4 months.

We arent official at the moment but things are going really great, we get on very, very well, we speak daily throughout the day, just general chit chat and we see each other very regularly too. Usually instigated by him! he is very hands-on and affectionate, always makes effort, etc. My family had a barbeque on Saturday and he and his friend were invited and they came, he spent time with my mother as it was her birthday, was a nice night. He spent the night and left at around 11 am as he goes to the gym regularly, he said he might come back after gym but he ended up going home as he felt too shattered. Which I was absolutely fine with. So yes, leading up to this point, all seems to be going well with not one red flag!

Now tell me if I'm being too much here and it will only be because I am rather desperate for this to work out (I am VERY into him).

This week I've noticed a change in his effort to keep up a conversation, he is taking ALOT longer to respond via text, so it's not actually a conversation that flows, it's half-hearted responses, etc.
When he does respond he will apologize and say he's just been so busy at work, but when he goes home I don't hear from him in the evening either. I then will get a message in the morning saying he apologizes and that he has been feeling so tired lately, fell asleep super early, and just wasn't on his phone.

Anyway, the same thing happened yesterday and I received a text this morning saying "I'm so sorry, I've just had so much going on at the moment, I'm feeling quite stressed out x", I felt bad for him as I know he does work super hard. So I just replied "that's fine, I hope you are genuinely okay? I'm here if you need me but you've got this, don't doubt yourself x" he didn't read it nor reply, that was at 9 am this morning. I just went to message him and can see he is online, which means he has seen my message and just not opened it.

My gut has gone into meltdown and is saying he just doesn't want to talk to me and has lost interest? but I also do know it's only been a few days, should I just let it flow and see? or should I confront him about it?

I must add I am very insecure, so I don't want that to cloud my thoughts of him.

Thank you, everyone, I am sorry if I sound ridiculous, I am super into him, which I think he knows, and as much as I'm playing it cool, inside I am super panicked.

Sam
xx

OP posts:
Namechanger0800 · 01/07/2021 16:35

Bin him off OP. The comment about having a breakdown at doing a days first aid training would be enough to put me off Hmm

He's either not that in to you and keeping you at arms length or he is a person with limited resilience and while I am incredibly sympathetic to people with mental health issues, I would not be looking to start a relationship with someone who says that are in that kind of place.

So prob time address your self proclaimed neediness and tell him it's not working for you - think what that would do for your self
Esteem!

Prettybubblesintheair · 01/07/2021 16:36

I’m so sorry op, it sounds like he’s blowing cold. FWIW I don’t think you sound needy, it’s normal to want to talk to and spend time with the person you’re seeing. It takes seconds to message a reply to someone, if he really wanted to he would be in touch. I think you need to end it and block him, him stringing you along like this is so unfair and undignified on on you.

Hope you’re ok Flowers

Nelia5 · 01/07/2021 16:41

I think he’s got cold feet after meeting your family, maybe it was too much too soon.

What’s his relationship history ? Has he recently split up with someone and doesn‘t want to rush into another serious relationship ?

peoplewatching · 01/07/2021 16:41

I have been you, in this scenario quite a few times, with similar anxieties. Having had therapy too, I would say if you are an anxious person too it's really hard to trust your gut because like you say, your mind is in overdrive.

He may just be busy like he says, BUT if his communication style or sudden change doesn't make you feel good, then I would initially explain that to him and why, and then if he doesn't want to help make you feel more secure in the relationship, I would walk away before you end up being strung along and becoming unwell from the circumstances. You have to put yourself first.

annacondom · 01/07/2021 16:41

It sounds to me that he is tired/busy, as he says. My DH would be exactly the same - opens message but doesn't respond as his mind is on work. Give him a break. He will come back to you when he is able to. I think you're reading far too much into this and should give him some space for a few days.

Original poster
SamTaylor20 · 01/07/2021 16:42

@Namechanger0800 OMG that made me laugh, it's annoying when you into someone because of all the things that would usually put you off, just don't. But I mean that's definitely more of an excuse, I don't think the day or work has stressed him, he's just too scared to end it.

@Prettybubblesintheair Thank you Flowers I just feel rather silly, I was super hopeful about where we were heading and convinced we were on the same page. Turns out im just an idiot.

OP posts:
Original poster
SamTaylor20 · 01/07/2021 16:46

@Nelia5 I know, I'm regretting the family thing now! It was actually him who was insistent to come, now I wish I had said no. I can see he isn't interested now, I'm glad I'm not crazy.

@peoplewatching That makes so much sense, honestly my mind right now is doing overtime. I keep thinking I must have done something wrong for him to lose interest so suddenly. Something must have happened surely.

@annacondom Thank you for this, maybe he is just tired, or maybe he is stringing me along. I'm going to attempt to put it to the back of my mind... Its very hard.

OP posts:
earminted · 01/07/2021 16:49

Is your mother a safe pair of hands OP? He seemed to go off the boil immediately after chatting to her for some time.

Original poster
SamTaylor20 · 01/07/2021 16:52

@earminted She is yes! They seemed to really get along, they were never really left alone and he partook in a lot of family conversation, it seemed as though he really fit in.

OP posts:
Puddington · 01/07/2021 16:54

When I was younger I also used to blame myself or assume I "did something wrong" when guys didn't treat me very well or wouldn't commit or suddenly went cold. In reality if someone wanted to be with/spend time with you they would, and if they did have an issue with you or the relationship the reasonable thing to do would be to discuss it with you or end things politely, not string you along and leave you wondering. Very little about me or my personality had changed when I finally met the man who treated me the way I deserved and who I gelled with so well. I don't think you should blame yourself.

A friend of mine was dating a guy who went from saying he thought she was the love of his life and making casual comments about their future kids, to unceremoniously dumping her the next week. She hadn't done anything wrong and he hadn't given any red flags she "should" have seen, it just turned out he was an immature dick who wasn't ready to stop playing the field and had been future-faking her. Some people just aren't great.

Original poster
SamTaylor20 · 01/07/2021 16:59

@Puddington Thank you, I think where I see all of my friends in committed relationships, settling down, moving out, some even having children, whereas there's me, I come home to my parents, single, struggling to even get a text back.
I just feel like a bit of a loser and question why it can happen for others, but not me. I makes me feel rubbish.

OP posts:
Nelia5 · 01/07/2021 17:00

Try not to blame yourself, you haven’t done anything wrong and I personally don’t think you have been too needy.
He’s had a change of heart, for whatever reason. It may simply be the wrong time or maybe he felt things were moving too fast or his friend has said something. People are allowed to change their mind and there is nothing you can do about it.
He does sound depressed and emotionally drained. Maybe there are other things going on in his life besides you, I think his stress about work seems genuine.
Has he just returned back to the office after wfh or after furlough ? Does he work in hospitality cos that’s a shitshow to make anyone have a breakdown right now.

Mermaidwaves · 01/07/2021 17:02

They ALWAYS use the I'm busy at work or sick relative excuse when they lose interest, are men taught this at school or something? He wants to keep you hanging on just in case so is too cruel to end it properly with you.

I've been there OP, he will slow fade and eventually phase you out, the cowardly twat. You sound lovely and deserve better than this, I would end it first so he can't keep you as a second reserve.

Original poster
SamTaylor20 · 01/07/2021 17:02

@Nelia5 Thank you, you are really kind. I'm not sure anymore, I think he definitely has cold feet. I will try and not blame myself. He is an engineer, so he worked through the pandemic entirely x

OP posts:
Original poster
SamTaylor20 · 01/07/2021 17:03

@Mermaidwaves Eurgh they must do? but Aww thank you Flowers as much as I'm an insecure, needy, pathetic mess I do have a good heart at least lol.

OP posts:
Hen2018 · 01/07/2021 17:04

He’s not interested. No one is that busy.

And he has the spelling of a 10 year old! You’re you’re you’re !!

Original poster
SamTaylor20 · 01/07/2021 17:07

@Hen2018 No one! And even if I am ever busy, as I do work too, I find the time for what’s important…
Hahaha true I guess that I can add that to my reasons of why I’m better off….

OP posts:
Lex634412 · 01/07/2021 17:14

Sending you a big hug OP.
I feel like this is a flash back to my life in my 20s. I was exactly like you and I thought it was all my fault for being too insecure. But actually when I found the right person, I wasn't insecure, I wasn't needy. Because I felt secure in the relationship. We're engaged and have just bought a house together and life is good. So my only advice would be, that if someone doesn't make you feel secure and relaxed in a relationship, they're not the right one for you x

seensome · 01/07/2021 17:15

Something needs to be done, don't wait around hoping he'll ask you to be his gf, I agree with other that he would of asked by now if he was wanting commitment with you. Next time he asks to see you, then broach the subject, it's only fair for you to know how he feels, it's your time, energy and emotions your putting in and a gamble that he sees you long term or not, it might possibly cause closure of the relationship but it's better to know sooner rather than later. Four months is plenty of time to be official.

Urghhhhh · 01/07/2021 17:55

OP, I've been in your shoes so many times over the 3 years i did online dating. Granted, most of them went cold way before 4 months. And all my friends have had at least one such experience. Heck, one was dumped after 6 months totally out of the blue when a week before he was taking her on holiday and saying he loved her.

It's not you. It's the quality of the man and the shitty dating culture nowadays that makes people seem discardable. When you meet the one who is truly into you and mature enough to be ready to commit there will be no neediness and no anxiety because he won't play with your head and have you twisting over backwards. It will feel balanced and secure.

Don't let it bruise your ego or discourage you. You seem lovely

crimsonlake · 01/07/2021 17:59

I am sorry to add that I also think you come across as needy in your messages. Despite advice on here you are still doing it.
Do not message him again, if I say 'play it cool' you will simply be waiting for him to make the next move.
At the end of the day he appears to have lost interest, do you really want to be messed around and confused by his behaviour going forward?

sunnyday24 · 01/07/2021 19:06

@SamTaylor20 wanted to send hugs as I know exactly how you feel! I’m also mid 20s and single living at my parents so I know how it is to have moments of feeling a bit shitty and useless. Remember everyone has different paths though and it’ll work out eventually ⭐️Flowers
I’m also having the exact same thing happen to me with a guy as well actually! It’s such a horrible feeling when your gut is telling you they’re doing a slow fade. He said he was tired from work and burnt out but it’s now been 24 hours since I’ve heard from him lol. I wish they would just be out there about if they’re not feeling it anymore 😂 to be fair your guy sounds like he could be being genuine but then do you want to be with someone who can’t handle their emotions/work stress very well anyway?! Sending hugs OP xx

Original poster
SamTaylor20 · 01/07/2021 19:16

@sunnyday24 Oh wow!! I was just sat here feeling quite shit and sad about it all but I am so, so glad you messaged, you’ve put a smile on my face. How crazy that we are in the same situation?! It really has made me feel a little better and also a little more normal now, it’s easy to get so overwhelmed you start to think you are the only person going through it or in the boat your in.

I guess it is true that everyone has different paths, I just feel like mine always has to be that little bit more difficult, like nothing comes easy the way I see it does for other people. I’m being selfish because I realise I could have it worse!
Ahh, Why are they like this lol? Exactly, Just be honest from the jump and we wouldn’t be in this situation! It’s second it seems as Theo ugh it’s second nature for them to want to play games and really gets to me.
I really doubt it after this thread now, it’s crazy how others can see what you can see sometimes. He hasn’t responded from earlier so he’s obviously “too tired”.
That is true actually, down the line that would be a nightmare. God, what a shit show.
Thank you so much, you seem so lovely and your guy must be a real idiot if he doesn’t realise what’s in front of him.
Hugs xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
SamTaylor20 · 01/07/2021 19:17

@sunnyday24 Ah sorry! That was definitely meant to say “it seems as though”

OP posts:
Garraty47 · 01/07/2021 19:30

There's nothing you can do right now op.

He says he stressed and tired and wants to be left alone. He's reiterated that when you've offered to see him and cook for him.

So you need to leave him alone until he contacts you next.

Stop asking if he's sure etc, that will only annoy him.

Just leave him to it. If he really does like you he will contact you. If he doesn't then he'll drift away.

Hassling him and acting needy will only put him off.