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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh god, night away.

386 replies

Dinosaurrescueteam · 01/07/2021 08:08

I have posted about my DH before and his reluctance to allow me to have a night away ever (once in 13 years, since I had dc1).
DH is away with his friends this weekend. My parents have grudgingly agreed to have my dc for the night so I can go away for a night with a friend. We have some outdoor theatre and a meal the one night and then the hotel is a spa so we plan to have a relaxing day afterwards before travelling back.
DH won’t have the dc overnight on his own so it has to be a time when my parents can have them instead.
I’ve just told Dh. I had to really garner quite a lot of courage.
You’re doing what? Where are you staying? Show me the booking, is it twin beds? Why are you doing that? What about the dc, they’ll be upset. It’s not like you to have a night away. My spidey senses are tingling. What are you doing in the evening? Why don’t you go home afterwards? You know if I catch him what’ll happen? I’ll be going to prison.

It could have been worse, although I suspect it isn’t over. He’s up close and wagging his finger at me when he’s saying it. He’s saying it in a way to be jokey but he’s not joking. He said what’s good for the gander isn’t good for the goose.
I’m pretty close to not going.

OP posts:
Justwantanewname · 01/07/2021 11:05

You mention his income and yours and your assumption that if he had the DC 50/50 he wouldn’t have to give you any money. Are you sure? Have you asked a solicitor? You really should see someone

Leshan · 01/07/2021 11:07

He sounds very dangerous.
I think he will certainly hit you at some point and he may try to kill you.
You need serious help here and you need to be divorced from him.

DartmoorDoughnut · 01/07/2021 11:07

I remember you I think from previous posts Sad

Imagine your life once your children leave home. Imagine them repeating your relationship.

I hope you find the strength to leave - I suggest reading through these threads (these are links to the most recent but start at the beginning!) www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4283258-The-One-Where-Geller-Proves-He-Is-As-Useful-As-A-Chocolate-Teapot and www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/4257752-John-learns-to-adult and find a SHL (ShitHotLawyer).

Good luck Flowers

FlaminEckVera · 01/07/2021 11:08

OMG, I felt chills running down my spine reading that! Shock

@Dinosaurrescueteam

And you have stayed with this man for all these years because............

TokyoSushi · 01/07/2021 11:10

Oh OP, I remember you as well.

Please go, and please try to accelerate the process of leaving this man. Your post gives me chills and I'm really sorry that you're in this situation.

Torres10 · 01/07/2021 11:11

so agree..go one better tell him to not bother coming back

KnickersOnTheLine · 01/07/2021 11:13

The saddest part about this post is that you don’t really see just how wrong his behaviour is. That’s not a criticism of you OP, I just hope all these messages help you see that you’re in an abusive relationship and your DH is controlling you. Like so many women you’ve been worn down into the position where you accept this behaviour. It’s not your fault. You deserve so much better and so do your children.

I really hope you can find strength to leave. If you can’t do it for yourself, do it for the DC. They will thrive in an environment away from the terrible controlled situation you’re currently in. Smaller house, less spare money, even you working more hours would all be better for them than seeing you abused by their father in a gilded cage.

TheQueef · 01/07/2021 11:14

^^ All of the above.
You only get one life.
You're worth more than this.

walkoflifewoohoo · 01/07/2021 11:14

Jesus. Just leave.

He won't have the kids 50% and why on earth would he have 150k and you nothing?

Spandang · 01/07/2021 11:16

OP you don’t need to worry about 50/50 shared care right now. You need to worry about the fact your husband is controlling.

How long before that filters down to your children? How long before they normalise and then replicate his behaviour?

Go to a family law specialist and see your options in black and white. Because while you’re looking at 50:50 not requiring him to pay maintenance that is only true if he has shared care - every pick up, drop off, doctors appointment and school holiday is split.

He won’t be going away for weekends, nights out, and I suspect if you’re working reduced hours it’s because you do the majority of the care.

Don’t discount it because of money. And what is the point of having money, if you can’t spend it, can’t enjoy it, can’t do anything for yourself?

Lottie4 · 01/07/2021 11:18

You should know him well enough to know if it's a light hearted joke - follow your head.

I'd be tempted to stay at home over the weekend and spend the time changing locks, packing his bags to be placed on the doorstep for his return. Hopefully you do go away, and if you do have a brilliant time.

moreofthisagain · 01/07/2021 11:26

@Lottie4

You should know him well enough to know if it's a light hearted joke - follow your head.

I'd be tempted to stay at home over the weekend and spend the time changing locks, packing his bags to be placed on the doorstep for his return. Hopefully you do go away, and if you do have a brilliant time.

You see this advice a lot but you can't lock someone out of their own home.
Whatshouldicallme · 01/07/2021 11:27

This is abuse. I don't know how you've put it with it for 13 (!) years. Please get yourself and your dc out of this situation.

MrsDSalvatore · 01/07/2021 11:30

Your H is an arsehole and he's judging you by his own standards and morals

SpeakingFranglais · 01/07/2021 11:33

@Dinosaurrescueteam

I think UC would top up to about 2k, I think. It might be manageable but it would be tight. He would have £150k to do whatever he liked with, but I wouldn’t be his problem anymore, he wouldn’t have to give me anything if he had the dc 50/50. I DO NOT want him to have them 50/50. Not because of the money but because I am the primary care giver by a long chalk, I’m not really sure how they’d cope if they suddenly had to spend half their time with him.
He wouldn't have them 50/50 because:

a) it's too much hard work
b) he wouldn't be able to continue to earn 150k

You would be sooooo much better mentally, emotionally and financially being away from this waste of space.

CoralSparkles · 01/07/2021 11:35

He’s allowed nights out, but you’re not? From your updates it’s clear he is abusive and you need to leave him. I’d say your wage is comfortable and your parents seem like they’d support you. When he’s gone, make your escape.

You don’t want your DC to grow up thinking relationships like this are normal. You’ll continue this vicious cycle.

Bettyboopawoop · 01/07/2021 11:36

Are you sure you husband has not been playing away? To be suspicious about twin beds ect and not wanting you too have a night away? Anyway I would definitely have your night away and I would certain plan more if them too.

MachiaNelly · 01/07/2021 11:37

He said he’d need two body bags. If he caught him. He’d need two body bags

This is a seriously dark threatening thing to say. I can't think of any circumstances where I'd take it as a joke. Please understand, this is really not normal.

Gothichouse40 · 01/07/2021 11:39

You seriously need to think about your future with this man. Do you really want your children to grow up thinking this is normal behaviour?

VerticalHorizon · 01/07/2021 11:39

Bloody hell, it's one night away with a friend. It's relaxing.
The man's a possessive moron.

poppy2021 · 01/07/2021 11:41

Make an appointment to see a family lawyer. I think you need advise.

If you don't want to do that then Women's Aid or citizens advice. Please make some steps to get away. You know this is coercive control don't you. It will only get worse.

VerticalHorizon · 01/07/2021 11:42

He could have said 'I'd rather I was spending the night with you!, but have a great time!'. You know, something affectionate, normal, encouraging.

mindutopia · 01/07/2021 11:42

Time for you to split and get on with your own happy life, it sounds.

I go away several times a year. Usually twice are holidays. Went away last week for 5 nights alone and left dc with dh. First time he ever had eldest was when she was 17 months and I went to Australia for 2 weeks for work.

No way I'd have stuck around past the first time he ever told me I couldn't have a night away 10 years ago. My bags would have been packed and I'd have been having lots of nights away from him after that.

diddl · 01/07/2021 11:43

@Dinosaurrescueteam

He said he’d need two body bags. If he caught him. He’d need two body bags.
But there's not even a "him" anywhere in the picture is there?

He sounds deranged.

And your friend's OH would burn their feet?

What sort of men are these?

bettyfloormop · 01/07/2021 11:47

I wouldn't challenge him OP.

He sounds potentially dangerous. Have you family you can contact?

Please speak to Women's Aid immediately re a pathway out of this.

Don't take the risk that this sub- human may act on what he says.

Do it TODAY