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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Oh god, night away.

386 replies

Dinosaurrescueteam · 01/07/2021 08:08

I have posted about my DH before and his reluctance to allow me to have a night away ever (once in 13 years, since I had dc1).
DH is away with his friends this weekend. My parents have grudgingly agreed to have my dc for the night so I can go away for a night with a friend. We have some outdoor theatre and a meal the one night and then the hotel is a spa so we plan to have a relaxing day afterwards before travelling back.
DH won’t have the dc overnight on his own so it has to be a time when my parents can have them instead.
I’ve just told Dh. I had to really garner quite a lot of courage.
You’re doing what? Where are you staying? Show me the booking, is it twin beds? Why are you doing that? What about the dc, they’ll be upset. It’s not like you to have a night away. My spidey senses are tingling. What are you doing in the evening? Why don’t you go home afterwards? You know if I catch him what’ll happen? I’ll be going to prison.

It could have been worse, although I suspect it isn’t over. He’s up close and wagging his finger at me when he’s saying it. He’s saying it in a way to be jokey but he’s not joking. He said what’s good for the gander isn’t good for the goose.
I’m pretty close to not going.

OP posts:
omgthepain · 03/07/2021 22:56

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ineedaholidaynow · 03/07/2021 23:21

@omgthepain OP has had one night away in 13 years.

Many parents have a kids free weekend once in a while and GPs look after the DC.

I certainly think the DH needs to take on more responsibility as he has never had the kids on his own, and you do have to wonder why he wanted to be a parent

omgthepain · 03/07/2021 23:24

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AcrossthePond55 · 03/07/2021 23:33

Not only for your sake, but for the sake of your children you NEED to leave this man.

Children learn valuable lessons when their parent(s) go off for a night. They learn that they come back which builds their confidence and sense of security. They also learn that it's OK for an adult to have outside interests and friends. That teaches independence and to value themselves as individuals.

ineedaholidaynow · 04/07/2021 00:00

@omgthepain have you never had to be away for the night for work, wedding etc?

Have your children never had a sleepover, been on cub camp, school residential?

omgthepain · 04/07/2021 00:04

@ineedaholidaynow

No I never leave my children - that's not what we had children for

Nor do they go on sleepovers or residential - they haven't occurred yet they're only little but I certainly won't be encouraging sleepovers at all - school residentials is a different ball game that is for them and it's educational

People choose to parent their children in different ways I don't choose to leave mine to go off - that's not my role as a mother

omgthepain · 04/07/2021 00:05

@ineedaholidaynow

And you said wedding?
Don't even get me started on that!

ineedaholidaynow · 04/07/2021 00:06

@omgthepain how long will you do that for, until they are 18?

Do you ever go out for an afternoon without them?

Leshan · 04/07/2021 05:22

Your son is copying your DH"s behaviour.
Can you see that?
What a toxic family you have, the adults I mean.

QueenBee52 · 04/07/2021 05:37

This has to be one of the most abusive relationships Ive ever read on here and OP I include your Parents in that 'abusive' relationship bracket not just your Husband..

jesus .. this was very difficult reading my lovely 🌸

Blueskytoday06 · 04/07/2021 06:31

My EX was like this. I couldn't go anywhere and if I did I'd have to ask him 3 weeks in advance and 'he'd think about it'. Eventually I stopped asking as it caused too much grief. I let too many people down by pulling out at the last minute.
Turns out that it was HIM shagging multiple people.

Blueskytoday06 · 04/07/2021 06:33

@omgthepain do be quiet.

MaMaD1990 · 04/07/2021 07:06

[quote omgthepain]@ineedaholidaynow

No I never leave my children - that's not what we had children for

Nor do they go on sleepovers or residential - they haven't occurred yet they're only little but I certainly won't be encouraging sleepovers at all - school residentials is a different ball game that is for them and it's educational

People choose to parent their children in different ways I don't choose to leave mine to go off - that's not my role as a mother [/quote]
I hope you've got some money saved up for your kids therapy to discuss you being overbearing and clingy...Good lord, kids being discouraged to go to sleepovers?! The horror.

feelingchicken99 · 04/07/2021 07:12

@omgthepain what a narrow life you must lead, it's gonna hit you hard when your kids grow up and leave or if they ever will as your showing them no life experience outside you and your husband

@DinosaurDiana I hope your night was great and please don't let this stop you having more of them, the kids will be fine there just trying to manipulate you this is learn behaviour as well you know

Vanishun · 04/07/2021 07:12

@omgthepain the OP is clearly in an abusive relationship and yet you thought it was appropriate to come here with your batshit ramblings about whether families can spend a night apart or not? What the utter hell is wrong with you? Seriously?

Vanishun · 04/07/2021 07:15

I might be feeling especially angry because I was one of those kids who never spent a night away due to overprotective parents. My first night away was at an Oxford interview at 17, which I failed horribly at because I was so panicked at being by myself, I honestly didn't know how to handle it. You owe it to your children to help them develop confidence.

SleepingWillow · 04/07/2021 07:26

Op it's very hard, I've watched my mum stay with my dad for many many very abusive years. She was also "trapped", we were poor, she had no job etc. While all this is going around in your head though you've got to remember you're not making a decision to leave based on you and your life. Your dcs are also victims of this abusive relationship, your dh is abusing them too. This will follow them through life. I'm mid 40s and I still need therapy to reconfigure my brain to stop thinking I'm 10 and defenceless against a man abusing my mum. It's more far reaching than that and also impacts on my children and my marriage. My dad is long dead yet his legacy lives on in our house each and every day. The greatest gift you can give your children is to leave him. The gift of minimising the impact on them as they grow up and start to model their own relationships on what they've seen at home. In addition they'll have a happier mum. It's win win and then more wins. Ps my mum did leave my dad when I was mid teens and I'll never meet a person in my life who I admire more than her. Be that woman for your dcs Thanks

FayeFayeFayeFayeFaye · 04/07/2021 08:00

Oh for goodness sake @omgthepain it’s perfectly possible to have a loving bond with well adjusted children and still be able to spend some time away from them.

Lots of people need time away from their children occasionally as it makes them a better parent. You are not a better parent because you don’t.

We’re all still people with wants and needs outside of our children and they don’t cease to exist, our children need to know that life is not going to fall apart just because mum might not be there. That’s not healthy. Emergencies happen, friends happen, you might get ill. You’re going to struggle massively when your kids grow up and develop their own lives.

And as a pp said, the OP is in abusive relationship, your comments are unhelpful and unnecessary batshit.

AhNowTed · 04/07/2021 08:03

[quote Vanishun]@omgthepain the OP is clearly in an abusive relationship and yet you thought it was appropriate to come here with your batshit ramblings about whether families can spend a night apart or not? What the utter hell is wrong with you? Seriously?[/quote]

Absolutely. Ridiculous woman.

LavenderBee · 04/07/2021 08:05

Op, it’s so hard, I know, when your husbands voice is in your head... his ‘jokes’.... the fear that he’ll have 50 per cent of the care. But, as so many people have said, he won’t want that! That’s just your fear speaking. As is so often quoted, wisely... when someone tells you who they are, listen.
I was with a very controlling and indirectly threatening man. Eventually I got away and he barely sees the dc (his choice).
With your situation, on to of UC you would have maintenance that he would have to pay through cms.
Could you approach your dad on his own, too lovely with about your relationship... would he be more supportive? Do you discuss it with your friends? So there’s that support there too.
Good luck... I do wish you and your dc a much happier life, without the modelling of his controlling ways.
And...@omgthepain .... your extremely odd perspective is ridiculously unhelpful, and unhealthy. Hmm

BarkingUpTheWrongRoseBush · 04/07/2021 08:07

[quote omgthepain]@ineedaholidaynow

No I never leave my children - that's not what we had children for

Nor do they go on sleepovers or residential - they haven't occurred yet they're only little but I certainly won't be encouraging sleepovers at all - school residentials is a different ball game that is for them and it's educational

People choose to parent their children in different ways I don't choose to leave mine to go off - that's not my role as a mother [/quote]
Your kids need to be independent and deal without you…otherwise they’ll be weird. They need to know it’s ok for you to have an independent life too.

Also very odd comment to put on this thread.

FayeFayeFayeFayeFaye · 04/07/2021 08:12

@omgthepain sounds like one of those parents who are professionally offended if their kids don’t get invited to everything.

IceLace100 · 04/07/2021 08:41

@Dinosaurrescueteam

I have posted about my DH before and his reluctance to allow me to have a night away ever (once in 13 years, since I had dc1). DH is away with his friends this weekend. My parents have grudgingly agreed to have my dc for the night so I can go away for a night with a friend. We have some outdoor theatre and a meal the one night and then the hotel is a spa so we plan to have a relaxing day afterwards before travelling back. DH won’t have the dc overnight on his own so it has to be a time when my parents can have them instead. I’ve just told Dh. I had to really garner quite a lot of courage. You’re doing what? Where are you staying? Show me the booking, is it twin beds? Why are you doing that? What about the dc, they’ll be upset. It’s not like you to have a night away. My spidey senses are tingling. What are you doing in the evening? Why don’t you go home afterwards? You know if I catch him what’ll happen? I’ll be going to prison.

It could have been worse, although I suspect it isn’t over. He’s up close and wagging his finger at me when he’s saying it. He’s saying it in a way to be jokey but he’s not joking. He said what’s good for the gander isn’t good for the goose.
I’m pretty close to not going.

This is horrendous! I'd leave a man like this. Insecure and pathetic!

therearenogoodusernamesleft · 04/07/2021 10:40

@omgthepain your role as mum is to prepare them for the wider world. It's not to make them dependent on you. It's a very selfish way of parenting - they should get to have all of these experiences.

Blossomtoes · 04/07/2021 10:43

[quote therearenogoodusernamesleft]@omgthepain your role as mum is to prepare them for the wider world. It's not to make them dependent on you. It's a very selfish way of parenting - they should get to have all of these experiences. [/quote]
You don’t need a crystal ball to see who’s going to be the nightmare MiL from hell in a couple of decades, do you?