Oh god, night away.

[Dinosaurrescueteam]

I have posted about my DH before and his reluctance to allow me to have a night away ever (once in 13 years, since I had dc1).
DH is away with his friends this weekend. My parents have grudgingly agreed to have my dc for the night so I can go away for a night with a friend. We have some outdoor theatre and a meal the one night and then the hotel is a spa so we plan to have a relaxing day afterwards before travelling back.
DH won’t have the dc overnight on his own so it has to be a time when my parents can have them instead.
I’ve just told Dh. I had to really garner quite a lot of courage.
You’re doing what? Where are you staying? Show me the booking, is it twin beds? Why are you doing that? What about the dc, they’ll be upset. It’s not like you to have a night away. My spidey senses are tingling. What are you doing in the evening? Why don’t you go home afterwards? You know if I catch him what’ll happen? I’ll be going to prison.

It could have been worse, although I suspect it isn’t over. He’s up close and wagging his finger at me when he’s saying it. He’s saying it in a way to be jokey but he’s not joking. He said what’s good for the gander isn’t good for the goose.
I’m pretty close to not going.

Unacceptable behaviour, but you sound like you realise that? Enjoy what sounds like a lovely evening out and then start to consider what you do next. Ask yourself the question, could you do 50 more years of this?

I could cry for you reading this. He is the most pathetic creature! Don't you deserve better? And for your children to not think this is normal way to treat a woman?

Who wants to bet this loser will suddenly want 50/50 custody if OP leaves but not actually go through with the 50/50 custody and disappear out of the kids lives because it'll be too much trouble to be an actual parent?

I'm betting OP that as you "only work part time" (I'm imagining this shit coming out of your DH's toxic mouth) that you do all the housework/cooking/washing/child rearing and he doesn't really pitch in

It's bad enough if someone is ultra needy and doesn't want to spend time apart, but to actively imply it's for ulterior motives? To add the threats? and for it to be ok for him?

Sod that.

Can the other woman's partner (if she has one) talk sense to him (and in the process make him feel like the paranoid arse he is)?

Oh OP you poor thing. This has been going on for so long that it has become the norm for you. The threatening language, not 'letting' you do things, checking up on you. I can understand how it must be hard to stand up to this but from the outside this definitely is not a normal relationship. Speaking to Women's Aid does sound like a good place to start.

@Dinosaurrescueteam

Have you even spoken to a lawyer? I'm pretty sure you'd get half of everything, plus child support, possibly alimony, and he would be picking up your legal costs if need be.

@Dinosaurrescueteam, not RTFT, only your OP.

The wagging finger would be enough for me.

@Dinosaurrescueteam

And make sure you scrupulously delete your internet history EVERY TIME and don't save your password to MN!!!

Please dude this weekend as a chance to think about what you want. Don't let your friend tell you that things 'aren't that bad' - they sound awful. If I went away for a weekend I wouldn't have to ask 'permission' and my DH would want me to have a lovely time. Same as I would if he went. Because I love him, I don't own him, and I'm glad he has good friends. Please consider carefully how much more time you want to spend with a man who seems to think he owns you. It's not right. Wishing you courage.

Why the fuck can’t your grown-ass husband have his own children overnight on his own? Absolutely pathetic and I wouldn’t have allowed this to go on for so long. If you cancel this night away then you’re allowing this behaviour. Grow a back-bone for god’s sake, I couldn’t live my life like this.

He's an ass - but he's clearly isn't grown (up).

He sounds dangerous, to be honest. A controlling nightmare. Keep safe and plan carefully, I hope you escape him 💚

@BeeDavis

Why the fuck can’t your grown-ass husband have his own children overnight on his own? Absolutely pathetic and I wouldn’t have allowed this to go on for so long. If you cancel this night away then you’re allowing this behaviour. Grow a back-bone for god’s sake, I couldn’t live my life like this.

It’s called emotional abuse - she’s not “letting him” behave a certain way, she’s been conditioned to think this is normal by tiny increments over many years. Stop victim blaming - yes OP needs to hear some home truths but those thinking they’d never put up with anything like this have clearly never had their self esteem eroded by an abusive bully to the point they can’t see what’s going on in their own home. If you don’t get it, think yourself lucky, not superior.

Please don’t let fear about money and access put you off escaping this very dangerous situation. This situation is dangerous: threats escalate, and we really don’t want you to be harmed more by this man.

I’d suggest calling Women’s Aid, and then going to the police to log the threats he has made, explain you are going to leave and may need help to do so - no further action at this time. Start planning to leave: paperwork, copies of all earning records for both of you, finding a house (unless you own yours, in which case seek legal advice such that he can be removed regardless of who earns more).

Maintenance does not equal access. He would have to pay via CMS even if restricted from seeing them (which given the threats of violence, the control within the home, and your relationship with the children is likely).

@MarkRuffaloCrumble I agree 100%

This is a dangerous man and op needs help from outside to leave him safely.

He doesn't see you as his equal, he see's you as his property, how do women stay with men he view them in this way, i don't get it at all

I read your other thread too. Leave him. Not just for this but because he won’t look after his own kids overnight.
This isn’t normal

You are setting your standards for a relationship painfully low. Your children are watching all this and learning what a relationship is like. They are learning that double standards, misogyny, violent threats veiled as humour and bullying are how a man should treat a woman he loves. That is what they will take into their own relationships unless you draw a line in the sand, tell them and your DH that it is unacceptable and leave this abusive man.

Talk to your friends this weekend. Don’t gloss over it, let it all out. That body bag comment is awful. Sunlight is the best disinfectant - talk about what is going on to people who love you

Chances are that he has cheated, to have this attitude of distrust. He is judging you by his own poor standards.

Please contact woman's aid for some advice. You need to get out. You need to be safe. You need to do this for your children

He’s just come downstairs and said ‘my princess. MINE.’

Please contact women's aid. He sounds very possessive and potentially dangerous.

@Dinosaurrescueteam

He’s just come downstairs and said ‘my princess. MINE.’

This makes me feel a bit sick tbh, that's really creepy and controlling!

Go, and plot your escape. He's very controlling, that's abuse