Oh god, night away.

[Dinosaurrescueteam]

I have posted about my DH before and his reluctance to allow me to have a night away ever (once in 13 years, since I had dc1).
DH is away with his friends this weekend. My parents have grudgingly agreed to have my dc for the night so I can go away for a night with a friend. We have some outdoor theatre and a meal the one night and then the hotel is a spa so we plan to have a relaxing day afterwards before travelling back.
DH won’t have the dc overnight on his own so it has to be a time when my parents can have them instead.
I’ve just told Dh. I had to really garner quite a lot of courage.
You’re doing what? Where are you staying? Show me the booking, is it twin beds? Why are you doing that? What about the dc, they’ll be upset. It’s not like you to have a night away. My spidey senses are tingling. What are you doing in the evening? Why don’t you go home afterwards? You know if I catch him what’ll happen? I’ll be going to prison.

It could have been worse, although I suspect it isn’t over. He’s up close and wagging his finger at me when he’s saying it. He’s saying it in a way to be jokey but he’s not joking. He said what’s good for the gander isn’t good for the goose.
I’m pretty close to not going.

There won’t be a MIL because omgthepain will never let them leave.

I wonder if people that only ever spend time with their children are the couples in restaurants who have nothing to say to each other. 😉

I read your update and thought how sad - your H has taught your DC how to manipulate you.
You need to get them away from him or you will produce 2 more damaged people for the world.

At 5 and 12 your DC need to learn to do without you overnight. I wonder why they can't, anything to with your 'D'H? I changed jobs when mine were 4 and 6 and in my new job there were overnights away for work - they were absolutely fine.

@omgthepain

My first response to your comments was irritation at your lack of thought for the op's situation here (trying to make her feel worse when she has done nothing wrong) and also your general approach to the issue of parents going somewhere without their children.

My second, more reasoned, approach is one of genuine concern for your children, and for you. I say this with genuine concern - it is not healthy for children not to spend time away from their parents. That includes nights away / trips with friends and family. As they get older they actively need it in order to start learning to be independant. As someone said upthread, how awful for them if the first time they are apart is for a job interview or to go away to uni. An already stressful situation made 100 times worse. And having to say no to trips with friends, and always feeling left out. And feeling they can't cope without their DPs. The something happens that makes it unavoidable (illness, hospital stays, parent dies) and they are not equipped to cope.

That move towards independance starts in early childhood, when children need to learn that their parents have happy, interesting lives outside of the family home. And they can strive for that too. It may be small things early on - M&D have a night or weekend away to celebrate an anniversary - but it has to start somewhere. And the later it starts, the more confusing it is for the child.

In all honesty, the most balanced children are those who see parents with well balanced lives.

Goodness, if my DH spoke to me this way I would only ever be having nights away from him going forward.

I don't think it's healthy that your children react like that when you're away for ONE night (they'd be asleep for the majority of that time so it's not like they'd really feel your absence!) I mean, your DD singing sad songs about you not being there? Sorry, but that's really quite strange.

Your whole family (including DM) seem really manipulative. You're not Cinderella. You're not a slave. You are a person and you are allowed to have a life of your own (especially if it's just one night ffs)

Please leave this situation.

[quote omgthepain]@ineedaholidaynow

No I never leave my children - that's not what we had children for

Nor do they go on sleepovers or residential - they haven't occurred yet they're only little but I certainly won't be encouraging sleepovers at all - school residentials is a different ball game that is for them and it's educational

People choose to parent their children in different ways I don't choose to leave mine to go off - that's not my role as a mother [/quote]

this is your choice.. you are not being forced to stay with your kids 24/7 because your DH/Partner refuses to allow you to leave their side for a coffee with a friend..

think about that before you spout your utter drivel and think about OP's lack of freedom of choice ..

Your post is utterly inappropriate

[quote therearenogoodusernamesleft]@omgthepain your role as mum is to prepare them for the wider world. It's not to make them dependent on you. It's a very selfish way of parenting - they should get to have all of these experiences. [/quote]
This. It's really selfish and short sighted parenting which makes children unprepared for adult life so it's a huge shock to the system when they have to navigate going to uni / relationships etc. Also incredibly isolating for them when peers are having sleepovers etc and they can't enjoy those childhood experiences for no good reason. You say you didn't have children to leave them, but surely you had children wanting them to be happy and well adjusted?

You aren't putting your children's needs first. How selfish.

My post was to @omgthepain not OP, obviously!

@omgthepain sounds just like my mother - myself and my two brothers were not allowed to do anything excurricular, have sleepovers etc...not because my mother didn't want to be away from us, but because she didn't want us having a good time as children when she didn't. I'm now nearly 53 and she's still jealous and envious in quite a horrible spiteful way if I get to experience something good that she hasn't.

She can't understand why none of her children have given her grandchildren, and why two of us live many thousands of miles away and rarely see her, either.

You reap what you sow.

Hopefully we can bring this thread back to supporting OP over the next few days

Yes, overthethames.

Lots of women here happy to listen and support, OP. How are you doing?