Oh god, night away.

[Dinosaurrescueteam]

I have posted about my DH before and his reluctance to allow me to have a night away ever (once in 13 years, since I had dc1).
DH is away with his friends this weekend. My parents have grudgingly agreed to have my dc for the night so I can go away for a night with a friend. We have some outdoor theatre and a meal the one night and then the hotel is a spa so we plan to have a relaxing day afterwards before travelling back.
DH won’t have the dc overnight on his own so it has to be a time when my parents can have them instead.
I’ve just told Dh. I had to really garner quite a lot of courage.
You’re doing what? Where are you staying? Show me the booking, is it twin beds? Why are you doing that? What about the dc, they’ll be upset. It’s not like you to have a night away. My spidey senses are tingling. What are you doing in the evening? Why don’t you go home afterwards? You know if I catch him what’ll happen? I’ll be going to prison.

It could have been worse, although I suspect it isn’t over. He’s up close and wagging his finger at me when he’s saying it. He’s saying it in a way to be jokey but he’s not joking. He said what’s good for the gander isn’t good for the goose.
I’m pretty close to not going.

Least you know what’s going on when he goes away!

How dare he talk to you like that? It sounds like you’re so familiar with this behaviour you’re not seeing it fully

That’s really odd, I wonder what your DH is up to on his weekends away? Ask him the same questions OP.

Enjoy your weekend away, you totally deserve it.

@Aposterhasnoname

Dont you dare not go. And while you’re there plan to leave.

Oh, and you know he’s projecting right? He knows fine well what he gets up to on nights away so assumes everyone does the same.

Exactly this!! His reaction to you having a night away tells you all you need to know about what happens on his!

Tbh I wouldn't have coped with this for 23 years. If he refused to look after the DC for me to have a night away, the same would apply to him.

What a control freak!

He sounds awful. Go, but this is no way to live.

His brother will be there when he goes away, I don’t think he’s necessarily projecting.
He just tells me he’s going and I say, no worries, fine. Normally I don’t hear from him when he’s away but I have a feeling I might do this weekend.

Go away and stay away
Seriously. Leave him

He can’t look after his own children overnight?

What’s wrong with him?

Why did you tell him your plans, OP?

Because he’d have found out at some point I’d gone and that WOULD be weird.

And he doesn’t look after his own DC because?

I assume he has some redeeming features.

Go, and have a wonderful time with your friend. It sounds like you have a really lovely weekend planned.

I am going away on my own for a night just now - I am actually on the train. My DH researched a nice restaurant for me to eat at this evening and made the booking for me....

Tell him if he's so worried about the dc he can stay home with them.
I would seriously warn your parents that your dh may cancel them sitting behind your back.

Go and only answer any calls from your parents.

Wow he's done a proper job on you OP. Please leave him NOW. This is not a normal relationship - read what we are all saying.

This was my exh. I missed so many things, best friends quiet & artsy hen day/night in Bath, work opportunities, networking overnight things etc.
I divorced him in end.
Now five yrs on I still don't understand what happened to me.
Like yours, he rarely said No, just made my life soooo difficult I said no for him. So cross with myself!
Final straw was when I joined a choir, one night was leaving for practice and he sat with the children, made them cry, said Yes, look, mummy's leaving with out you, she doesn't care you're even crying etc etc.
Twat.

Please think hard about your position, and maybe book a counsellor to talk through your feelings.

Summary - it doesn't sound like it's you, here.

@Orgasmagorical

Why did you tell him your plans, OP?

Why should she have to hide them?

So how else dies he control you op ?
Financial?
Clothes?
Work?
Are you afraid of him?
Is he violent , does he use threatening behaviour?

I think you know that none of this is ok or normal.

Is he controlling in all aspects of your life? How does he justify him going away but not you? What does he say if you challenge his one rule for him and another for you?

:*46HUCKMUCK

I think you know that none of this is ok or normal.

Is he controlling in all aspects of your life? How does he justify him going away but not you? What does he say if you challenge his one rule for him and another for you?*

Do you feel it's safe to challenge him op ?

You don't have to live like this OP. You only get one life. When the DC are grown up, how would you feel if their relationships modelled this? How will you feel when you're just stuck with him and they've left home?

It's time to do something for yourself. Starting with this weekend. Then as others have said, consider your next steps. You deserve to be happy.

Tell him to grow up. You're just as entitled to a night away with friends as anybody else. Though honestly op do you want to spend the rest of your life with this man questioning you, and making you cancel and change plans? I'd be reevaluating this marriage.

This is so shocking to read.

Do you feel like equals in this marriage - two people who respect and care for each other equally? I suspect not.

One person cannot dictate what the other does. That would be bad enough if he never went on nights out. But the fact that he does, but thinks you shouldn't, is absolutely crazy. He can't have a single logical reason for that.

The fact he can't look after his own children is frankly pathetic.

The fact he doesn't trust you is wrong, and very worrying. Like others, my first thought was - if he thinks it's so obvious you'll get up to no good, then that must be what he does (or at least has done) when he stays away.

Finally, his controlling (and it is extremely controlling) behaviour is affectign your ability to have fun / see friends / enjoy life. This is the person who is meant to make your life better. He's actively stopping you enjoying yourself, and punishing you for wanting to.

On so many levels, this is wrong, and you deserve better. So do your children who will be seeing a very unhealthy dynamic and are likely to copy it when they grow up. Would you wish this on your DC?

I agree with PP, you cannot live like this. Do you want your children growing up thinking that men in a relationship can do what they like but the women can't?

Why can't he look after his own children?

This controlling loser is limiting your life

No man is worth that

Your children are learning some damaging lessons here

Oh Lord. Just leave the bastard and enjoy your life without him.