Oh god, night away.

[Dinosaurrescueteam]

I have posted about my DH before and his reluctance to allow me to have a night away ever (once in 13 years, since I had dc1).
DH is away with his friends this weekend. My parents have grudgingly agreed to have my dc for the night so I can go away for a night with a friend. We have some outdoor theatre and a meal the one night and then the hotel is a spa so we plan to have a relaxing day afterwards before travelling back.
DH won’t have the dc overnight on his own so it has to be a time when my parents can have them instead.
I’ve just told Dh. I had to really garner quite a lot of courage.
You’re doing what? Where are you staying? Show me the booking, is it twin beds? Why are you doing that? What about the dc, they’ll be upset. It’s not like you to have a night away. My spidey senses are tingling. What are you doing in the evening? Why don’t you go home afterwards? You know if I catch him what’ll happen? I’ll be going to prison.

It could have been worse, although I suspect it isn’t over. He’s up close and wagging his finger at me when he’s saying it. He’s saying it in a way to be jokey but he’s not joking. He said what’s good for the gander isn’t good for the goose.
I’m pretty close to not going.

He won't want 50:50 in reality, that's a nailed on certainty if he can't cope with his children for one night now. So don't let that worry you OP.

Hi Op, this sounds so horrible.

Do you know why he has never looked after his own Children on his own?

I can't imagine my husband being so controlling over what I do and I can't imagine him not being able to look after our DCs on his own (he's actually better at it then I am!)

You should absolutely go. No questions asked. Have a bloody wonderful time. Forget he exists for those few days. Don't worry about the DCs they will be fine with out you for one night.

Then, when you get back start thinking hard about what you really want to do.

If he’s on £150k there’s no way you’re going to be destitute and if he can’t even look after them for one night, he’s not going to want 50/50. It’s time to get your life back.

Why would he have them 50/50, he doesn't look after them now? He might threaten it, many controlling men do or indeed full time custody, but they don't usually mean it

WTAF? Have my very first LTB.

OP, he's threatening you. He's 'joking' but you know it isn't a joke. I know you don't want to think about it like that, but I fear it's the truth.

Please prioritise plans to get away from him with your children, and please don't tell him that is what you're planning. The most dangerous time for a woman and children living with an abuser is when the abuser senses a reduction of their control. Just get out and worry about the details later.

Oh and also.

He will NEVER have them 50/50.... Come on. He can't even do it for one night in 13 years. He won't do it 3/4 nights a week and school holidays on his own.
He may try and tell you he will. But the facts speak for themselves. He's a knobber.

He can have them 1/2 nights a week and pay you a good chunk of maintenance out of his 150k a year.

Urgh! What a total shit. I'm angry for you.

What a prick.

If he has never looked after your children alone for the night there's no way he'll want joint custody OP. You should ring a women's refuge, this behaviour is controlling and extremely abusive. Someone more qualified than me will be able to give you a website recommendation or phone number I'm sure.

@Dinosaurrescueteam

I think UC would top up to about 2k, I think. It might be manageable but it would be tight. He would have £150k to do whatever he liked with, but I wouldn’t be his problem anymore, he wouldn’t have to give me anything if he had the dc 50/50. I DO NOT want him to have them 50/50. Not because of the money but because I am the primary care giver by a long chalk, I’m not really sure how they’d cope if they suddenly had to spend half their time with him.

OP, go and speak to a solicitor. There is a lot that you need to look into and it would be best to make any decisions from a position of knowledge. You can ask about whether he would realistically be able to get 50/50 custody, what you are entitled to financially - ask everything.

You are entitled to a share of marital assets, regardless of whether he pays child maintenance.

He sounds deranged and dangerous. Please get out 💐💐

Please, as others have said, ring Women's Aid. If you ring them today you've time to think about the advice they give you, and you could pack and go while he's away this weekend.

.. and financially, yes I think you'd be fine. If he can't look after the kids for one night then no way would he do 50/50. You might even get spousal maintenance on top of child maintenance given the disparity in salaries.

Please ring Women's Aid and book to speak to a solicitor too if you can?

Agree with all of this - if you can safely ring Women's Aid and a solicitor, do so today. If you can get yourself in a position where you can leave this weekend when he's away, that would be perfect. See if you can stay with your parents for a while until you can sort out proper arrangements for yourself. From everything you've described, there's no way he'll be able to make a case for 50/50 even if he wants to, and you'd be entitled to a decent child maintenance payment.

So a man who won't have your kids overnight to let you go out and instead dumps them on your parents, will go for 50:50 custody?

Yeah right.

No fucking chance he will.

Go on your night away, also tell him his bags will be packed for when he returns from his weekend away. He sounds like a controlling b*stard. His response to you going away is due to what he gets up too when he’s away?

I have 2 kids and another adult to feed and u do it on £1100 a month so I'm sure you would be fine. Leave him, apply for CMS and finally be free.

Never let anyone control you like that, you arnt something that can be owned and I'm fed up of reading about these bastards.

The woman's Domestic Violence organisation where I live also offers one free session with a solicitor so you may want to see if yours offer this too. Some solicitor firms will also offer a free initial session/ half hour so worth looking into this too.

@covidcloser Why should she have to hide them?

She shouldn't, of course, but I was wondering if it was for damage limitation reasons, which we can see it was.

You've had lots of good advice, Dinosaur, I hope you can get away safely and will soon have a much happier life

why would you assume man who cant even spend a night with his own DC would suddenly want 50/50?

If he has threatened you with that I would ignore him as its just another attempt to control and instill fear. If i were you I would be gathering evidence to show that you have been the main carer.

He has threatened you. The comment about two body bags is a direct threat. This will only get worse. You might be poor when you leave but it is better than being physically hurt or worse.

If I were in this position I would be cancelling my overnight stay, but only so I could stay home to pack up mine and the childrens things while that scumbag is out of the way!

ALL OF THE ABOVE!
Good luck.

When he says these things to you, he is not joking.

Jokes are supposed to be funny. What on earth is funny about what he is threatening saying?

@Dinosaurrescueteam

It’s all said in a half jokey way, but I don’t think he’s joking. He will say he is though. It is not the first time he has made the body bag comment.

I'm sure he's 'joking' about actually murdering anybody (hopefully) but he's not joking about his general attitude to you having a night away. He sounds mega controlling and he shouldn't be treating you this way.