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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Feeling so sad about DB and SIL

245 replies

porkincider · 30/06/2021 22:58

I have 2dc who, until Covid hit last year used to see my brother and his wife at least once a month. They live just over an hour away, are absolutely brilliant with DC and DC just love them to pieces. I really enjoy their company too and we’d always have lovely days together when we saw each other. Throughout the pandemic he’s been sending them presents and daft letters and comics that he’s made for them but he never wanted to speak to them on Zoom or anything.

They’ve been trying for dc for a while and at the beginning of last year found out that sadly it’s unlikely to happen even with IVF, although they’re still going to give IVF a go as they’re entitled to one round and want to do it before SIL is over the age limit. Since finding this out they’ve been understandably heartbroken but said that they’ve actually quite benefited from lockdown as they’ve been able to spend lots of time together just the two of them.

Since restrictions have relaxed I’ve been contacting them to see when they’d like to meet up but they’ve kept putting me off. Eventually at the weekend brother tells me that he’s sorry but he’s love to see me but he can’t face seeing my dc at the moment as children upset SIL too much. I asked if I could meet up with just him (single parent, one child with ASD and absolutely no one I could leave them with) but he said that he’d find it too upsetting too.

I asked if he thinks he’ll be happy to see them in future and he said that while him and his wife have hope of a child, no matter how faint he can’t see a point where he’d be comfortable around my dc. He said he’d love to maintain the relationship with my dc, that he loves them and misses them and just loves making the comics for them that he does but he just can’t bring himself to see them. I asked him if he just found them too much like hard work or if they annoyed him or something and he burst into tears telling me I was just being cruel and hung up on me.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do. Just wait until DC stop asking about him and let them enjoy the comics he sends them and nothing else? Wait for a decade until they’ve given up hope of having a child and then the relationship will continue?

I’d love for them to have a baby more than anything but I don’t know how to deal with it. It certainly means, for the foreseeable future at least, that I just can’t see my brother anymore as I have no one to have my kids.

Any advice? Just wait it out and wish them the best? It’s all just so sad.

OP posts:
GoodbyePorpoiseSpit · 30/06/2021 22:59

Give them some time

iwantavuvezela · 30/06/2021 23:05

Your brother has expressed openly his heartbreak (not having children) and what he needs right now. (So,e time away from your young children while they / he deals with this. Give him time and space and respect his position. Perhaps find other ways to support and love him

Jesskir89 · 30/06/2021 23:06

Wow! They're being very unreasonable. I was trying for my ds for over 2.5 years, went through all sorts of tests, surgery and fertility treatment. I wouldn't dream of not seeing nieces and nephews.... in my opinion op they're being over the top. I'm sorry to hear this. It is heartbreaking what they're going through, but no reason your dc should suffer and you!

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/06/2021 23:13

You have to respect his wishes, there’s no other option. It’s hard for you both you can’t imagine how they’re feeling. You have what they most want and it’s good they’re being honest about what they need while they’re facing ivf and grieving the easy ride to parenting most people enjoy without even realising.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/06/2021 23:15

@Jesskir89

Wow! They're being very unreasonable. I was trying for my ds for over 2.5 years, went through all sorts of tests, surgery and fertility treatment. I wouldn't dream of not seeing nieces and nephews.... in my opinion op they're being over the top. I'm sorry to hear this. It is heartbreaking what they're going through, but no reason your dc should suffer and you!
No they’re not. It wasn’t what you did but it’s what they need. Just because you didn’t feel the same doesn’t make them wrong.

We had a terrible time including 5 miscarriages and didn’t stop seeing anyone, I have step children so no choice anyway, but everyone deals with these things differently and OP can’t force her brother or SIL to see her DC, how or why would she?

DismantledKing · 30/06/2021 23:17

People experience and express grief in different ways.

PurpleDaisies · 30/06/2021 23:20

I agree, just give them time while it’s still raw.

I asked if he thinks he’ll be happy to see them in future and he said that while him and his wife have hope of a child, no matter how faint he can’t see a point where he’d be comfortable around my dc. He said he’d love to maintain the relationship with my dc, that he loves them and misses them and just loves making the comics for them that he does but he just can’t bring himself to see them
I asked him if he just found them too much like hard work or if they annoyed him or something and he burst into tears telling me I was just being cruel and hung up on me.

I would send a message apologising for saying this. He’d literally just been telling you how upset they were about not having been able to have children and how hard it was seeing yours. To suggest it was because yours were too much work or annoying must have felt like you weren’t listening or hadn’t understood what he was saying at all.

Jesskir89 · 30/06/2021 23:20

@AnneLovesGilbert I'm not telling her yo try and force them but its been over a year. Ops poor kids don't know whats going on, they shouldn't suffer. Weve obviously got different opinions but mine is that they're being unreasonable

justasking111 · 30/06/2021 23:22

DIL had the hardest time with my pregnancies when I accidentally got pregnant with a third she just vanished from our lives for a couple of years. Leave them be they're in a sad place

PurpleDaisies · 30/06/2021 23:22

I'm not telling her yo try and force them but its been over a year

They’re still right in the middle of their infertility situation. It’s not time limited.

LawnFever · 30/06/2021 23:23

@Jesskir89

Wow! They're being very unreasonable. I was trying for my ds for over 2.5 years, went through all sorts of tests, surgery and fertility treatment. I wouldn't dream of not seeing nieces and nephews.... in my opinion op they're being over the top. I'm sorry to hear this. It is heartbreaking what they're going through, but no reason your dc should suffer and you!
They’re really not, they’re facing the possibility they may never ever have children, the fact you now have your ds, and just because you never felt that way doesn’t invalidate their feelings whatsoever.
MyCatDribbles · 30/06/2021 23:24

Just give them time OP. You cannot know the anguish they’re in.

AlternativePerspective · 30/06/2021 23:26

They’re being incredibly unreasonable.

Yes not being able to have children is very unfortunate, and they will no doubt be sad about that, but to cut other family children off forever because of it Is unreasonable. What are they going to do? Live like recluses for the rest of their lives in case they happen to see another child while out and about?

Sorry but as harsh as it is sometimes people just can’t have children, but life goes on.

The children haven’t done anything to deserve to be treated this way.

PurpleDaisies · 30/06/2021 23:27

Who says they’re not seeing children forever? It’s just for now. It sounds like they’ve worked really hard to have a relationship in other ways.

LawnFever · 30/06/2021 23:28

I asked him if he just found them too much like hard work or if they annoyed him or something and he burst into tears telling me I was just being cruel and hung up on me

Please take a step back from this, put yourself in his shoes and think about why he burst into tears at this comment.

They would love nothing more in the world to have a baby, it may never, ever happen and you’re suggesting yours might be too much/annoying? He would give anything for a child of his own to be here at all, it’s the complete opposite of finding them annoying, it’s the heartbreak of trying to come to terms with the fact it may never happen for them.

Notonthestairs · 30/06/2021 23:28

I don't understand this :- . "I asked him if he just found them too much like hard work or if they annoyed him or something and he burst into tears telling me I was just being cruel and hung up on me."

He'd just explained how hard they were finding things and you pushed him further. It's like you hadn't listened to what he'd just said.

Give him space and time. Don't ask again to visit and let them process bloody awful news. And don't make it about you and your children.

TopBlogger · 30/06/2021 23:28

You asked him if he would like to meet up with DCs - No
You asked him if he'd like to meet up without SiL - No
You asked if if there would be a future time when he would - He didnt know
Three times he told you! But you didnt take the hint

THEN

I asked him if he just found them too much like hard work or if they annoyed him or something and he burst into tears telling me I was just being cruel and hung up on me

Poor bloke, I am not surprised he hung up on you !!! You must have the hide of a rhinoceros Shock

He is in pain, grieving for potentially a lost future with children, he tried to tell you clearly and rather than listen to him you are pushing seeing yours on him

Show some compassion for him fgs

Henio · 30/06/2021 23:29

Each to their own I guess but I loved seeing my niece and nephew the whole 7 years it took me to try for a baby

Notonthestairs · 30/06/2021 23:30

Everyone is different. They don't have to react exactly as others do.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 30/06/2021 23:32

Give him time.

AlternativePerspective · 30/06/2021 23:32

And the children? They’ve been rejected by close family members who say they may never want to see them again. Or does not being able to have a baby trump everything else?

LawnFever · 30/06/2021 23:32

Those saying they’re being unreasonable, do you now have children, or are you in their shoes?

Because I’m in the situation they are and I can completely understand how they feel, and how difficult it is for other people to comprehend.

MyCatDribbles · 30/06/2021 23:32

I had a stillbirth last year and a miscarriage in January and I struggled seeing my niece and nephews throughout this time

Sally872 · 30/06/2021 23:32

That's really upsetting for you and children to lose contact. I would be really sad about that. However what DB and SIL are going through is much worse. Give them time, hopefully won't be too long until you can see them again but has to be their pace.

Apologise for upsetting brother, tell him you understand, comics are appreciated.

I would try and keep up your relationship with them by texting/calling now and again.

Pantsomime · 30/06/2021 23:33

Put yourself in their shoes- sounds too me like they’ve had recent bad news - miscarriage or something. Empathise with them and understand - you come over as sounding like you think yea I hear you but I want you to do this and are completely oblivious to their feelings