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My husband took my credit card
442

Sophiewoods · 30/06/2021 22:50

Hey, my husband and I agreed together on a budget and that I was supposed to stick to this budget. However last week I was about £20 over this budget. My hubby got really annoyed with me for this, especially as he has managed to stick to his side of the agreement. He has now taken away my credit card to our joint account and has given me cash for my budget this week and says he will give me money every week. As much as I realise what I did was bad and he has a right to be annoyed, I think him taking away my credit card is an over reaction and a bit controlling. I think he should trust me more. It is a massive pain having to pay in cash and also I can't buy things online and use Amazon. I'm 34, my husband in 37. We have 2 kids, 4 and 6. I work part time. Everything else in our relationship is great. Do you think I am right to think he is being a bit controlling? I know he is trying to help me stick to this budget but it seems a bit of an over the top reaction to me

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RestingPandaFace · 30/06/2021 22:52

Cancel the credit card and order a replacement. He has absolutely no right to treat you like a child, it’s financially abusive.

Is he a controlling prick in other ways too?

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MyCatDribbles · 30/06/2021 22:58

What was the background behind agreeing on a budget? Are you in debt? What did you spend the extra £20 on?

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Fiddliestofsticks · 30/06/2021 22:58

If you're in the financial situation where you both need to strictly stick to a budget, and you arent sticking to it, then what choice does he have?

If one member of a partnership is financially irresponsible, the usual advice on mumsnet is for the other to take control and keep on top of everything. That's what he is doing.

You have access to money; access to the same amount he has, as agreed. If there is anytbing pressing that pops up, you can discuss it the way you would have to discuss it even if you had the card, as your finances are joint and you're living to a strict budget together. That's very difficult to do when one half of the team thinks they can spend more and screw the consequences.

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Bagelsandbrie · 30/06/2021 22:59

@MyCatDribbles

What was the background behind agreeing on a budget? Are you in debt? What did you spend the extra £20 on?

This is key.

What’s going on here beyond this?

He shouldn’t be so controlling but if you’re ££££ in debt and it’s down to you overspending I can see how he might feel pushed to the edge… Completely depends on the context.
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HotPenguin · 30/06/2021 23:00

I think it's disrespectful and you should have agreed a plan together to help you stick to the budget. But. Do you have a history of constantly overspending? Maybe he is at the end of his tether if he has already tried everything else.

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AnneLovesGilbert · 30/06/2021 23:02

Why don’t you have a bank account of your own? With a debit card?

What account are your wages paid into?

Do you have a spending problem?

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covidcloser · 30/06/2021 23:09

Yeah, backstory is needed?

This could have been me. It wasn't but I wish DH had taken away my cards. I got us into a lot of debt many years ago.

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LunaAndHer3Stars · 30/06/2021 23:10

@MyCatDribbles

What was the background behind agreeing on a budget? Are you in debt? What did you spend the extra £20 on?

I think this is key. On the face of it, it's controlling, but more details are needed to really say. If you're on a budget to save for something you both want, but don't need, that would be a very different situation to being on a strict budget because you can barely afford to keep a roof over your heads.
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Sophiewoods · 30/06/2021 23:25

Our account is a joint account and both our wages are paid in there. We have both spent too much in the past and have had to borrow quite a bit of money from both of our parents. He is very keen to pay this money back, but none of our parents are really nagging us about it. We agreed this budget a few months ago, he has stuck to it fairly comfortably every week. I have been pushing it and gone very slightly over every week. Last week I bought birthday presents for 2 close friends which pushed me over.

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justasking111 · 30/06/2021 23:25

Context is everything here

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forumdonkey · 30/06/2021 23:26

Your title says credit card. Was it a credit card or bank card?

Are you in debt?

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forumdonkey · 30/06/2021 23:27

What do you call 'quite a bit'?

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MyCatDribbles · 30/06/2021 23:30

Ok so you’ve agreed you both need to reign in your spending to pay your parents off. He can comfortably do it, but you struggle. If I was him I’d find it frustrating that you’re struggling to keep within budget every week. Why does he find it easy and you don’t?

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youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/06/2021 23:30

I have been pushing it and gone very slightly over every week. Last week I bought birthday presents for 2 close friends which pushed me over.

How much was the budget that you were £20. To be honest if we agreed a budget and to stick to it, then even a partner I had joint finances with (after that serious discussion) repeatedly overspent I might do the same short term and not think it was abusive.

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pallisers · 30/06/2021 23:33

what context makes it ok for a man to remove a credit card from a joint account -holder and TELL he he will be giving her money from now on???

If he thinks his wife is bad with money then he sets up his own account and stops the joint account - not unilaterally decide that he now controls all the money,

if the couple was on budget to save for something OR if the OP was on a strict budget to keep a roof over their heads what makes the OP's husband the one who controls finances?

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pallisers · 30/06/2021 23:35

How much was the budget that you were £20. To be honest if we agreed a budget and to stick to it, then even a partner I had joint finances with (after that serious discussion) repeatedly overspent I might do the same short term and not think it was abusive.

Seriously - you'd cut off a credit card from your adult partner over a 20 pound overshot and would tell them you will give them an allowance from now on??? And would expect them to still like you and have sex with you?

People are weird.

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audweb · 30/06/2021 23:36

Astonished people think it’s ok for someone to take a bank card off a grown woman. On what planet is that acceptable? He’s literally not in charge of her. That’s not how this works, this isn’t acceptable. He doesn’t get to make financial decisions without consulting her like this, or treating her like a child.

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CandyLeBonBon · 30/06/2021 23:39

I'm getting the feeling there's more to this

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AnneLovesGilbert · 30/06/2021 23:44

Start living within your means and pay back your debts. You don’t wait till people are jumping up and down demanding repayments. And you don’t spend money you can’t afford on presents for friends when you owe other people money. Just because your parents aren’t asking for what you owe them back yet doesn’t mean they’re not annoyed.

Why agree to a budget if you’re not prepared to stick to it?

Reverse?

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pallisers · 30/06/2021 23:44

I'm getting the feeling that there are a lot of women out there with no notion of what it means to be an adult female with automony.

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covidcloser · 30/06/2021 23:44

@audweb

Astonished people think it’s ok for someone to take a bank card off a grown woman. On what planet is that acceptable? He’s literally not in charge of her. That’s not how this works, this isn’t acceptable. He doesn’t get to make financial decisions without consulting her like this, or treating her like a child.



You can't really say without context though.

I nearly lost us our house, so would have completely understood if DH stepped in and took over all of the finances in order to have done level of control. As it happens he didn't but I had to seek professional help to stop me spending the way I was. I'm autistic and sometimes my level of dysfunction is so big that someone else needs to take control.
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pallisers · 30/06/2021 23:45

Reverse?

Like this would be ok if a woman did it to a man? Jesus what kind of relationships do people think are ok?

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AnneLovesGilbert · 30/06/2021 23:46

Of course it wouldn’t be okay. But since when is it okay to borrow money then splurge on gifts for friends instead of sticking to a budget you’ve agreed to in order to repay your debts?

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Fiddliestofsticks · 30/06/2021 23:47

@pallisers

Because the OP clearly cant be trusted.

They have joint finances. That's their marriage. They've borrowed from both sets if parents. They have agreed a budget to allow this to be paid back. He is sticking to what they jointly agreed. The OP has overspent every week. They cannot afford that. They're meant to be a team and she is throwing that under the bus for her own gratification. He is doing what he needs to do to keep the family finances on the right track. It iant abusive if they both have access to the same amount of spending money, and he's given her weeks of chances but she overspend every single time.

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pallisers · 30/06/2021 23:48

I nearly lost us our house

just so we remember the OP went 20 pounds over budget. No house-losing, no bankruptcy, no evictions, no children in the workhouse., This is a man imposing his financial control on his wife and his justification is she went 20 pounds over budger .... and loads of women are saying well in context that could be ok.

Jesus.

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