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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My husband took my credit card

442 replies

Sophiewoods · 30/06/2021 22:50

Hey, my husband and I agreed together on a budget and that I was supposed to stick to this budget. However last week I was about £20 over this budget. My hubby got really annoyed with me for this, especially as he has managed to stick to his side of the agreement. He has now taken away my credit card to our joint account and has given me cash for my budget this week and says he will give me money every week. As much as I realise what I did was bad and he has a right to be annoyed, I think him taking away my credit card is an over reaction and a bit controlling. I think he should trust me more. It is a massive pain having to pay in cash and also I can't buy things online and use Amazon. I'm 34, my husband in 37. We have 2 kids, 4 and 6. I work part time. Everything else in our relationship is great. Do you think I am right to think he is being a bit controlling? I know he is trying to help me stick to this budget but it seems a bit of an over the top reaction to me

OP posts:

justasking111 · 01/07/2021 21:32

@Sophiewoods

I am really upset by this, whenever we talk about it he is not very respectful, whenever I raise concerns about the budget he always talks over me and says he is doing fine with his. And he also keeps reminding me I've agreed to it now and he keeps reminding me that it is my fault. I know it largely is my fault but like it has really upset me. I know he has good intentions but I am questioning whether I really want to be married to him, but I feel really awful thinking this

You want to walk away and leave him with all the debts??

justasking111 · 01/07/2021 21:35

They say money problems destroy relationships I believe it

justasking111 · 01/07/2021 21:36

You're both so lucky parents stepped in rather than debt collectors believe me

Millionsofpeachez · 01/07/2021 21:39

So what does he spend his £40 on? Does he spend all his on the kids and household food? If not then the budget is not split fairly.

Sugarntailsnluvlyspicysnails · 01/07/2021 21:46

@justasking111 where has she said that if she left him she'd leave him with all the debts? You seem to be here to dig the boot into a woman who is in a really tough situation. Why are you doing it?

He is controlling the money. People who are controlled are often ashamed because they feel they have gotten themselves into that situation. They are in debt, but the OP says that her H is changing the narrative about it being a joint debt, and alongside the removal of her card and allowing her a set budget, it sounds overly controlled/abusive to me.

People who complain about drip feeds seem to view this as an entertainment rather than a support site.

Original poster

Sophiewoods · 01/07/2021 21:46

He probably spends about £10 a week roughly on kids and food, the rest just stuff for him

OP posts:

Bluntness100 · 01/07/2021 21:49

If your budget is 80 quid how much is his? And who buys your food and his!

chickenyhead · 01/07/2021 21:55

OP, I'm so sorry for the aggression that you have received on here. You must be so confused.

What is happening to you is not fair. Could you talk to your parents? Friends?

You aren't being heard. You sound broken. A bunch of bitches on the Internet convinced you to take back gifts for your friends. He wasn't even grateful for the attempt.

I'm sorry, and I couldn't care less what anyone on this thread says, you are being financially abused. I don't know what other ways he controls you, but this isn't healthy.

Could you speak to family/friends? Women's aide?

You might benefit from looking in to the Freedom Programme. There are so many red flags here. Your children don't need to grow up seeing you treated this way.

category12 · 01/07/2021 22:00

People who complain about drip feeds seem to view this as an entertainment rather than a support site.

Not really - OP starts off saying everything's great in their relationship apart from this, that she's routinely overspending when they've agreed a budget, and talks about spending online on Amazon and buying presents.

Finding out later on that he decided the budget and she didn't have much input, and the household shopping/children's stuff comes out of her money changes the complexion of it entirely.

EmpressSuiko · 01/07/2021 22:10

OP do you spend £30 on yourself from your £80 budget for food/kids etc?
Why does he get to have spending money and you don’t?

singlehun · 01/07/2021 22:11

@chickenyhead

OP, I'm so sorry for the aggression that you have received on here. You must be so confused.

What is happening to you is not fair. Could you talk to your parents? Friends?

You aren't being heard. You sound broken. A bunch of bitches on the Internet convinced you to take back gifts for your friends. He wasn't even grateful for the attempt.

I'm sorry, and I couldn't care less what anyone on this thread says, you are being financially abused. I don't know what other ways he controls you, but this isn't healthy.

Could you speak to family/friends? Women's aide?

You might benefit from looking in to the Freedom Programme. There are so many red flags here. Your children don't need to grow up seeing you treated this way.

👏🏻 agree

singlehun · 01/07/2021 22:15

You shouldn't have to spell this stuff out to him. But if you can get him to be reasonable, perhaps you could go through your bank statements together? Then he can see where you are both spending your allotted amounts and surely he'll see the disparity?

However, if this is rooted in financial abuse then nothing will make him see. And yes I'm afraid you'll have to start taking steps to freedom. The freedom plan (as the name suggest!) would be a good place to start xx

Minezatea · 01/07/2021 22:21

It doesn't include bills but mainly for food and things for the kids

Are you saying you buy all the grocery shopping out of the £80? Or do you mean you buy lunches at work? Are the things for the kids essential or treats you want them to have? You both need the same amount of extra money each. If you're buying essentials that's not OK. He gets £40. You can't buy week's groceries and kids clothes out of £40 a week. This is very different info than in your OP and the OP might have been why people were suggesting that YABU. Not blaming you here as sometimes when you come to accept things which should not be happening, you find it hard to even put into words what is happening.

Original poster

Sophiewoods · 01/07/2021 22:21

@chickenyhead

OP, I'm so sorry for the aggression that you have received on here. You must be so confused.

What is happening to you is not fair. Could you talk to your parents? Friends?

You aren't being heard. You sound broken. A bunch of bitches on the Internet convinced you to take back gifts for your friends. He wasn't even grateful for the attempt.

I'm sorry, and I couldn't care less what anyone on this thread says, you are being financially abused. I don't know what other ways he controls you, but this isn't healthy.

Could you speak to family/friends? Women's aide?

You might benefit from looking in to the Freedom Programme. There are so many red flags here. Your children don't need to grow up seeing you treated this way.

Thanks, yeah I am very confused and idk what I want or what is right anymore. I feel like he has good intentions and he is trying to help us but the way this is making me feel is just horrible and I just don't want to have to feel like this and that is what is making me doubt everything. Like i am worried even if we resolve this I'll be worried if we have another major problem he'll deal with it in the same way and I'll feel just as bad. I feel a little emarrassed talking to people about this tbh and also he wants me to keep financial issues between us but maybe it has got to the point where I have to as I feel so awful. I don't think he is abusing me though he is just trying to help but in completely the wrong way and he seems to think I am clueless at this which again upsets me

OP posts:

LadyDanburysCane · 01/07/2021 22:26

I am supposed to only spend £80 a week, him £40.

So you were 25% over your budget. Twenty. Five. Percent.

Quartz2208 · 01/07/2021 22:27

You need to talk to him and tell him that you want to stick to budget but you need to probably budget for everything including food shopping and he needs to that some of that on. That you feel this has happened and gotten into debt because he doesnt get how expensive shopping is etc

But you are not a child and cannot be treated in this way

grapewine · 01/07/2021 22:42

So your relationship isn't great apart from this one thing, is it? And why not put in the OP thst you're buying food etc? Don't get that.

This isn't entertainment, but people advise/react to the info given initially.

H8theW8 · 01/07/2021 23:07

Our food shop alone costs more than £80 a week and we are a family of 3. I think you need to speak to him about reassessing the budget. It sounds like you do need to have one but it needs to be realistic.

I personally find your attitude towards paying your parents back very poor. Repaying debt should be a priority, regardless of who the debt is owed to. You say you feel that your DH is being disrespectful towards you but that's exactly how you are being towards your parents and in-laws.

justasking111 · 01/07/2021 23:23

Open an account just for paying back parents set up a standing order each and stick to it. The rest of your income is then easier to manage

timeisnotaline · 01/07/2021 23:36

If your 80 is for food and the kids and his 40 si just for him, that’s a completely different scenario. Cancel your card and order a new one. Ideally you’d tell him all food shopping is on him and he can have an extra 40 or whatever you usually spend. If he just doesn’t listen to you though then you need to take bigger steps. Don’t let him take money or your card off you again.
But, once you’ve sorted through this (& possibly left him) you will still need to budget.

Original poster

Sophiewoods · 01/07/2021 23:37

@grapewine

So your relationship isn't great apart from this one thing, is it? And why not put in the OP thst you're buying food etc? Don't get that.

This isn't entertainment, but people advise/react to the info given initially.

Well we don't have any other problems really other than this one. Idk I should have probably put that but I thought like we had thought this through a bit in that he had realised I needed more than him and like ig i didn't think and was thinking since i had more money and he'd worked this out it was probably reasonable and like I'd kinda accepted I was bad going over idk its just I thought his reaction was bad. And also I was worried if I said I was doing all the shopping people would think this was a problem but this is me being stupid ig. Idk my head is so confused by this and idk what is right here anymore really

OP posts:

BertramLacey · 01/07/2021 23:50

A bunch of bitches on the Internet convinced you to take back gifts for your friends.

Abusing other women by using misogynist language is hardly helpful either. And the OP made her decision to take the presents back.

The worry with drip feeding is that you do get a very different picture as things go on. If the OP had started this thread with the information that's given in subsequent posts she would have got very different feedback. Sure she can't say everything all at once, but some detail about trying to feed a family of 4 on £80 would have been helpful.

redastherose · 02/07/2021 00:17

OP this is just wrong. He is treating you unfairly. There are lots of helpful people on the money pages who could look at your budget and help you work out properly what is fair and reasonable which would allow you to present this information to him in a clear and concise way and give you confidence to stand up to him about this issue. Regardless of what happened previously you can sort things out but only by pulling together and not by him blaming you exclusively for all the financial problems.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 02/07/2021 01:05

All I'm getting from your post is that you "didn't think any of this through" yourself - you just accepted his reasoning. You don't think about the money, you don't think about paying your parents back, you don't think about the budget or what you're spending it on, you just let someone else take the responsibility of it.

Having seen the quantities, it does appear that you may not have enough - but is that really true? Or are you just blowing it on things you don't really need, whether for you or the kids.

If you want your husband to take you seriously again in terms of financial responsibility, then sit down yourself and work out what you ACTUALLY need (And I mean need, not want) and tell him that you need to review your budget because of this, this and this. Take charge of your own spending, show him that you've done this, and if he's a reasonable person then he will accept that you're paying attention and should return your card.

If he still doesn't accept that, then yeah, maybe you have a bigger problem.

BarbaraofSeville · 02/07/2021 03:49

Hang on, is that £40 extra your entire grocery budget or is it just incidentals like lunch and ice creams on a day out?

You seem to be saying it's your entire grocery budget, which is very very tight for a family of 4, under half the national average. If that's all you have for food shopping, you need to forget about paying your parents back for now or at least reduce the amount, cut back on personal spending money, eg £10-20 per week each, check if you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to, see if you can cut any of your other bills, eg broadband, TV packages, utilities and up the extra amount for groceries and a bit for kids incidentals like the occasional ice cream considerably, eg to £80-100 PW if you can manage it because a proper grocery budget is a basic essential.

Sorry OP, your first post gave the impression that you were frittering lots on rubbish and that you owed your parents a much larger amount, but your updates suggest that your finances are really tight.

£40 pw groceries is nowhere near enough so your mistake was to agree an unrealistic figure with a man who obviously has no clue how much food shopping costs. If he thinks you can buy groceries for a family for £40 a week, let him try for a few weeks.

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