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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My husband took my credit card

442 replies

Sophiewoods · 30/06/2021 22:50

Hey, my husband and I agreed together on a budget and that I was supposed to stick to this budget. However last week I was about £20 over this budget. My hubby got really annoyed with me for this, especially as he has managed to stick to his side of the agreement. He has now taken away my credit card to our joint account and has given me cash for my budget this week and says he will give me money every week. As much as I realise what I did was bad and he has a right to be annoyed, I think him taking away my credit card is an over reaction and a bit controlling. I think he should trust me more. It is a massive pain having to pay in cash and also I can't buy things online and use Amazon. I'm 34, my husband in 37. We have 2 kids, 4 and 6. I work part time. Everything else in our relationship is great. Do you think I am right to think he is being a bit controlling? I know he is trying to help me stick to this budget but it seems a bit of an over the top reaction to me

OP posts:
category12 · 01/07/2021 06:29

But if your partner persistently breaks your agreement and clearly doesn't take it seriously, I can see why someone might get frustrated enough to want to take their card off them.

They shouldn't do it, but I don't think it's necessarily an abusive move.

KatherineJaneway · 01/07/2021 06:31

Yes we borrowed money from both our parents but they are not really asking for it back

So what? You still owe them the money.

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 01/07/2021 06:33

More contact is needed.

Is the budget a joint budget that covers everything? Is it a separate amount each for personal spends?

Is one partner paying more from their part of the budget? How skint are you?

I’ve been in the position of robbing Peter to pay Paul and that £20 might as well have been £2000 quid coz I could not afford at all to go over budget anywhere. And there’s only me.

Having said that. Why are you repeatedly going over budget on stupid shit like birthday presents for friends? That’s irresponsible. How much total have you gone over budget by and why don’t you want to be a responsible adult and pay your debts?

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 01/07/2021 06:33

*context

Kokosrieksts · 01/07/2021 06:35

After reading your further answers OP, get your shit together. He shouldn’t have taken your card, but your attitude towards the loan from both of your parents is awful. Repaying should be your first priority. But of course you can wait till the parents have had enough patience and then come on Mumsnet complaining how rude they have been for asking THEIR money back.

MaMaD1990 · 01/07/2021 06:36

I can understand why he's done it however I wouldn't be comfortable not having access to my own salary...just use the joint account for bills and have your own accounts for your spending cash.

Longestfewdaysupcoming · 01/07/2021 06:40

But the op doesn’t see the debt to the parents (of how much?) as a bill that has to be paid and if she keeps overspending on silly shit then they’ll be back borrowing money again at some point.

I couldn’t live with someone like that.

PaperHalo · 01/07/2021 06:42

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Usually I would say he is being very unreasonable, but the fact you are calling a debit card a credit card repeatedly, and you've went over the agreed budget every week, and the fact that no one is nagging you to pay the debt back means you're not really in any hurry to do so, makes me think you're a bit irresponsible and shit with money. Who decided what the limit would be? How much debt are you in and what is your budget for the week?
This!! You don’t appear to have a grip of basic things when it comes to finances. You’ve been consistently over budget for a number of weeks - how else are you going to learn to rein it in?

To all those saying it’s abusive and giving off that a woman wouldn’t be able to do this to a man… OP has said that he is otherwise a great guy. Surely it’s no bad thing that he wants to repay family and live within the family means?

OverTheRubicon · 01/07/2021 06:49

@GreenLeafTurnip

I cannot believe that some people think this is in any way justifiable!

OP has her own wages paid into their joint account and husband is giving her an allowance?! This is financial abuse clear and simple. If he doesn't think she can help clear the debts then he needs to speak to her about it and consider leaving. What he's done is not ok in anyway!

Did you read her major drip feed followup? They overspent, borrowed money from both sets of parents and every week she's been over her budget and doesn't see the urgent need to pay them back. Going over by £20 when you're buying birthday presents for 2 friends in a week, and you've been over every week does suggest that she's not taking this seriously.

OP maybe you should talk together to a debt group so you can get some outside advice and to check that the split is right. Btw, their advice might well be to cancel or remove the credit card.

CassandraTrotter · 01/07/2021 06:49

Yeah sorry its a debit card. Yes we borrowed money from both our parents but they are not really asking for it back
I think this is the issue. Getting mixed up between debit and credit card shows a lack of financial literacy, and also OP isn't even interested in paying this money back and her husband knows this.

It is an overreaction to take your debit card. Especially at the moment when paying by cash is really not welcome. But a conversation about your attitude towards this debt was necessary.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 01/07/2021 06:55

I've just asked the cat to do the same to me - I don't have a husband.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 01/07/2021 07:03

If we owed money I’d work more than part time to pay it back. Your husband is right to prioritise debt especially over adult birthday gifts,

kindaclassy · 01/07/2021 07:03

The poor guy must be at loss about what to do. Debts, a partner who refused to stick to a budget, overspends and keep them in debts, and he is the main earner with 2 kids to care for.

Not an ideal reaction, but what else is he supposed to do?

strawberrydonuts · 01/07/2021 07:08

I can't believe the comments saying that this is ever an OK thing to do.

Whatever the behaviour or attitude towards money (and yes OP obviously struggles with this), it is NEVER alright for a man to take his wife's finances away.

We are talking about an adult here who actually contributes to this account and another adult stepping in and taking away her access to that money.

It's obviously not OK.

Yes they need to sort out this situation and OP's atttitude to money is questionable and needs addressing... but this move from husband is not on. In ANY situation.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 01/07/2021 07:11

We are talking about an adult here who actually contributes to this account and another adult stepping in and taking away her access to that money.

Hes not taking the money away though, he's just taking away the ability to overspend. OP will still have the agreed amount of money.

kindaclassy · 01/07/2021 07:13

It is NEVER alright for a partner to waste the family money, keep them in debts, especially when they have kids and the spender is letting the other one work full time.

Things like birthday presents for random people is really unreasonable.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 01/07/2021 07:13

You went £20 over this week OP, how much have you went over budget on the other weeks?

Xoxoxoxoxoxox · 01/07/2021 07:14

A BIT controlling? I would be out the door before you could blink if someone tried to do that to me

This

GrandDuchessRomanov · 01/07/2021 07:20

For all of those saying "it's only £20" the problem is that the OP really hasn't changed their mindset regarding keeping within a budget.

If the DP can do it as agreed, she should too.

OverTheRubicon · 01/07/2021 07:20

@Xoxoxoxoxoxox

A BIT controlling? I would be out the door before you could blink if someone tried to do that to me

This

She'd be in trouble as a single parent if she can't stick to a tight budget. Taking the debit card isn't the right way, but I can see how you'd be at the end of your tether - if you and your partner got into debt, your parents bailed you out, then they continued to overspend every single week on things like birthday presents for 2 adult friends, there's not an easy answer.
Remoulade · 01/07/2021 07:24

If this was reversed, there would be at most a couple of people coming to the guys defense. It would be all "how dare he spend money on his mates when that 20 quid is needed for the family pot to feed the poor children?!" "Take his card, change the locks and shame him on facebook for what he's done, everyone should know what he is really like!"

By the way, 20 quid can be a lot for some people. While you might think it's okay for the partner to put their foot down when you are 200 quid over budget, percentage wise, it could well be equal to OP's 20 quid spent on her friends.

kindaclassy · 01/07/2021 07:25

You are in debts. He is stopping you from spending money that is not yours.

If my DH had no respect for family money, and was spending my kids money on a friends present, I would go absolutely ballistic.

It's not even as simple as opening separate accounts and making sure they have no access to more family money than they should, the partner can still go into debts on theirs and bring the family down even more.

Living with someone who spends recklessly is a nightmare.

KatherineJaneway · 01/07/2021 07:26

We are talking about an adult here who actually contributes to this account and another adult stepping in and taking away her access to that money.

Or you could see it as one adult trying to make the other adult live up to their agreed obligations.

frumpety · 01/07/2021 07:28

So you have both accrued the debt and your DH wants to pay it back, you aren't as on board with the idea, because it doesn't feel like you are being chased for it, so in your mind it isn't a priority at the moment.

Taking the debit card off you is not the way forward in a healthy relationship. If you haven't been able to stick to the plan at all, is it because it isn't achievable or is it because you aren't happy with the budget, but have gone along with the idea of it for a quiet life ?

How long will it take to repay the debt owed to your parents by budgeting in this way ?

Bananalanacake · 01/07/2021 07:29

Does he stop you going out and seeing friends or is it only with money.