My husband took my credit card

[Sophiewoods]

Hey, my husband and I agreed together on a budget and that I was supposed to stick to this budget. However last week I was about £20 over this budget. My hubby got really annoyed with me for this, especially as he has managed to stick to his side of the agreement. He has now taken away my credit card to our joint account and has given me cash for my budget this week and says he will give me money every week. As much as I realise what I did was bad and he has a right to be annoyed, I think him taking away my credit card is an over reaction and a bit controlling. I think he should trust me more. It is a massive pain having to pay in cash and also I can't buy things online and use Amazon. I'm 34, my husband in 37. We have 2 kids, 4 and 6. I work part time. Everything else in our relationship is great. Do you think I am right to think he is being a bit controlling? I know he is trying to help me stick to this budget but it seems a bit of an over the top reaction to me

[MunroBagger]

You should be prioritising paying back the people who have very kindly helped you out by lending you money. No wonder your husband is annoyed. I would also be extremely upset if my friend bought me a birthday.present they clearly couldn’t afford.

[pallisers]

@covidcloser why on earth would you think I was saying this was a feminist issue??? Never mentioned anything about feminism. I was talking about human beings and how they live together

OMG were YOU thinking my response was a feminist issue? how funny of you.

love the "calm down" (and I did!). but haven't they told you yet not to say that???

[LunaAndHer3Stars]

I don't think what OPs husband did was OK, but what she's doing isn't OK either. You don't wait till someone is jumping up and down to have money repaid while you overspend. And parents might need the money but not want to press. OPs DH is doing the right, adult thing, the sticking to a budget to pay off debt bit, not the card taken away bit. But I understand his frustration, OP really doesn't sound like she's committed to paying off the debt.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

[quote pallisers]@covidcloser why on earth would you think I was saying this was a feminist issue??? Never mentioned anything about feminism. I was talking about human beings and how they live together

OMG were YOU thinking my response was a feminist issue? how funny of you.

love the "calm down" (and I did!). but haven't they told you yet not to say that???[/quote]
Maybe I misunderstood you too as I thought you felt this was especially abusive due to you mentioning men doing this to women / women on the thread saying it's fair etc - it felt like you were making it into a gender thing when actually it's a respect thing IMO. And also a practicality thing in the short term as they literally can't cover their living costs.

I think a PP suggestion of agreeing to both use cash (wherever possible) is a good one.

Apologies if I misunderstood you on that.

[youvegottenminuteslynn]

@LunaAndHer3Stars

I don't think what OPs husband did was OK, but what she's doing isn't OK either. You don't wait till someone is jumping up and down to have money repaid while you overspend. And parents might need the money but not want to press. OPs DH is doing the right, adult thing, the sticking to a budget to pay off debt bit, not the card taken away bit. But I understand his frustration, OP really doesn't sound like she's committed to paying off the debt.

My sentiments exactly but put much more succinctly!

[honestlyhonest]

I can't understand why you prioritised buying TWO close friends birthday presents (knowing you'd overspend) than your relationship with your husband and his commitment

At what point does it end? You say you set the budget a few months ago and you've gone over every week - that could be 12 weeks of £20 or more but he can do it comfortably. It could have been £* towards repayment but instead it was £240 less.
At which point do you become responsible for paying money back that you both owe?
It is absolutely ridiculous that you are so entitled you have to wait to be 'nagged' by your parents/PiL. I'd be mortified in their company until it was paid off but you don't seem to give a toss. Then that makes it awkward for him around them because you're BOTH responsible. Assuming they don't know he's trying his best and you're out buying from Amazon for unnecessary presents.

[Giraffe11]

What is the point of agreeing a budget and then you overspending on it? Every week! I can see why your h is frustrated.

[covidcloser]

[quote pallisers]@covidcloser why on earth would you think I was saying this was a feminist issue??? Never mentioned anything about feminism. I was talking about human beings and how they live together

OMG were YOU thinking my response was a feminist issue? how funny of you.

love the "calm down" (and I did!). but haven't they told you yet not to say that???[/quote]

Yeah. Calm down.

[EKGEMS]

You went over budget and your husband went overboard and over the top here

[ferando81]

Shes a grown women” except she’s not acting like one .Wasting money on presents for friends when she owes money .The fact she keeps mentioning that the parents aren’t hounding them for the money suggests that she is quite happy to have an interest free loan for as long as the bank of mum and dad permits.Where’s your pride?

[Pinot4evs]

I don’t think your husband is being unreasonable tbh. You don’t sound all that concerned in paying your parents back, do you have a history of buying unnecessary items whilst in debt? Sounds like the husband is doing some damage control, yes she might have only gone £20 over budget but those £20s sharp add up!

[chickenyhead]

Do you split the bills equally from your budgets? I.e. food etc. What is this budget money intended to be used on and do you have the same amount and same expectations?

What I mean is, if you both get £200, but you are expected to buy xyz, what is he expected to buy?

I think it is completely unreasonable to treat another adult as a naughty little child over £20, especially when she has a reasonable explanation.

He is a bully.

[AmberIsACertainty]

@Sophiewoods

Our account is a joint account and both our wages are paid in there. We have both spent too much in the past and have had to borrow quite a bit of money from both of our parents. He is very keen to pay this money back, but none of our parents are really nagging us about it. We agreed this budget a few months ago, he has stuck to it fairly comfortably every week. I have been pushing it and gone very slightly over every week. Last week I bought birthday presents for 2 close friends which pushed me over.

YABU. Yes DH is being controlling but you've forced him into that role. His other option is to leave you because you're financially irresponsible and a CF. I can see why he risked pissing you off first by taking charge, before taking that drastic step.

You shouldn't wait for parents to nag you at all, never mind "seriously nagging"! It's taking the piss big time. You borrowed, so you pay back ASAP, that the only reasonable behaviour.

Buying friends birthday presents is what you do if you can afford it. You can't afford it. You shouldn't have done it. It's disrespectful to your parents and in-laws who lent you money and are waiting to be paid back, to prioritize buying a frivolity for someone else. No wonder your DH is angry. You made an agreement then reneged on it every time, which is disrespectful to DH.

[PerveenMistry]

Him taking the cc is not on, but perhaps you should learn the difference between wants and needs.

B-day gifts are not a need. If they aren't feasible within the budget, write a nice note.

[PerveenMistry]

@ferando81

Shes a grown women” except she’s not acting like one .Wasting money on presents for friends when she owes money .The fact she keeps mentioning that the parents aren’t hounding them for the money suggests that she is quite happy to have an interest free loan for as long as the bank of mum and dad permits.Where’s your pride?

Agree, it's disrespectful and immature.

Is this a reverse?

[Micemakingclothes]

We don’t have enough information.

Her budget might need to accommodate the entire household’s food and personal care item’s and be strained to the absolute limit while his budget only needs to cover the occasional cup of coffee. I’ve witnessed setups where women were constantly breaking the budget when in reality they were being financially abused and set up to fail because there was no way everything could the family needed could be acquired with the allotted funds.

[chickenyhead]

@Micemakingclothes

We don’t have enough information.

Her budget might need to accommodate the entire household’s food and personal care item’s and be strained to the absolute limit while his budget only needs to cover the occasional cup of coffee. I’ve witnessed setups where women were constantly breaking the budget when in reality they were being financially abused and set up to fail because there was no way everything could the family needed could be acquired with the allotted funds.

Exactly!

[timeisnotaline]

Yes you need to check the budget allocation plan is fair and the op doesn’t get the same amount as her dh but have to buy all the food and the kids clothes and activities with it, but this: Yes we borrowed money from both our parents but they are not really asking for it back is so very entitled. She says it a couple of times and if I were the dh I’d be furious at the disregard for my parents and her parents generosity.

[notapizzaeater]

What is your budget ? How much do you normally go over it by ? Tbh If you've both agreed an amount and you constantly went over it id be pissed off too.

[Sakurami]

How are your finances split? Do you put it all in a pot, pay the Bill's with this pot and split the remainder equally?

[HelenArlidge]

What is the budget? What is it meant to cover? Do you both have the same budget and obligations that the budget needs to cover?

[chickenyhead]

Not sure OP will be back after a 3 page pile on on the relationships thread.

[NumberTheory]

I agree that without knowing how reasonable your budget is for the responsibilities you have and the money that's coming in, it's hard to say who is abusing the situation (if anyone) but I think the way you talk about your budget and the money you owe your parents in this thread seems fairly atrocious on the face of it.

[ChargingBuck]

@Fiddliestofsticks

If you're in the financial situation where you both need to strictly stick to a budget, and you arent sticking to it, then what choice does he have?

If one member of a partnership is financially irresponsible, the usual advice on mumsnet is for the other to take control and keep on top of everything. That's what he is doing.

You have access to money; access to the same amount he has, as agreed. If there is anytbing pressing that pops up, you can discuss it the way you would have to discuss it even if you had the card, as your finances are joint and you're living to a strict budget together. That's very difficult to do when one half of the team thinks they can spend more and screw the consequences.

Jeeze.

If being "financially irresponsible" means going over budget, once, by £20 most of us are doomed.

& "taking control" by stealing somebody's credit card, whether you are married to them or not, whether you intend to use it yourself or not, whether you share a joint account or not, isn't "keeping on top of everything".

It's illegal, coercively controlling, & financial abusive.

[itsaccrualworld]

You agreed a plan together, which you broke, and don't seem particularly remorseful about. The thing that sticks out for me is that you blew money on birthday presents for close friends - the beauty of close friends is that if you are skint (which you are), they will understand if you can't spend as much and/or need to delay a present until a more financially healthy month. Friends understand, accept and forgive.

Was the plan reasonable? I mean, you agreed to it - but is the budget workable? If it is, and you just went over anyway, then sticking to cash and being unable to make impulse buys online for a while is not a bad thing. Stick to your budget for a few weeks and then I'm sure your OH will be more amenable to giving you the card back. You need to show him that you are in this with him, and you're not trying to sabotage his attempts to get you both back on track.

Just because your parents are family doesn't mean you don't need to prioritise repaying them. I'd be really angry too.