My husband took my credit card

[Sophiewoods]

Hey, my husband and I agreed together on a budget and that I was supposed to stick to this budget. However last week I was about £20 over this budget. My hubby got really annoyed with me for this, especially as he has managed to stick to his side of the agreement. He has now taken away my credit card to our joint account and has given me cash for my budget this week and says he will give me money every week. As much as I realise what I did was bad and he has a right to be annoyed, I think him taking away my credit card is an over reaction and a bit controlling. I think he should trust me more. It is a massive pain having to pay in cash and also I can't buy things online and use Amazon. I'm 34, my husband in 37. We have 2 kids, 4 and 6. I work part time. Everything else in our relationship is great. Do you think I am right to think he is being a bit controlling? I know he is trying to help me stick to this budget but it seems a bit of an over the top reaction to me

[YeokensYegg]

The whole point of a budget is to live within your means, pay bills on time, not run up debt, and have some savings.

You don't buy the gifts when you don't have the money for it. A lovely card and some baked goods would have been good gifts and not gone over your budget.
Work within your budget and delay instant gratification spending.

[ChargingBuck]

Our account is a joint account and both our wages are paid in there. We have both spent too much in the past and have had to borrow quite a bit of money from both of our parents. He is very keen to pay this money back, but none of our parents are really nagging us about it. We agreed this budget a few months ago, he has stuck to it fairly comfortably every week. I have been pushing it and gone very slightly over every week. Last week I bought birthday presents for 2 close friends which pushed me over.

Ok so you jointly accrued the debt, but did you also reach a genuinely mutual agreement about setting repayment amounts, & were they realistic? Or was it imposed upon you in the same autocratic way your credit card was stolen 'confiscated'? Because you clearly don't agree with that, so I have to wonder how much agreement, let alone participation you had in the budgeting.

I see now you have gone over by a few quid every week though.
Of course DH is right to want to prioritise debt.
But how sustainable is his plan if you've been unable rather than unwilling to stick to it?
Is he able to stick to his budget "fairly comfortably" because it's larger than yours, or has fewer demands on it?
Is the figure he wants to repay each month viable long term, or is it too high to allow for mistakes, wriggle room, & unexpected expenses?
Is it usually things like b/day presents which push you over, or household stuff too?
Do b/day presents & household extras get ever get bought on HIS card, or is that all down to you? So the blame falls to you, even though the overspend was for both of you?
Whose card pays for e.g. DC's activities, shoes, toys etc?

Either way, something is going awry. If you have a genuinely fair deal with DH, & are still over budget, clearly you need to cut back.

If not, you need to reassess & devise a new budget which sustains family needs while maintaining a sensible loan repayment schedule. Most people would be happier to be repaid a steady, regular, affordable sum that allows the debt to reduce within a defined timescale, than be promised a larger sum that isn't reliable.

Either way, taking your card off you like he's your Prefect, & doling out cash like a Dickensian paymaster, on his unilateral say so is outrageous. Good budgeting between couples comes from honest discussion, mutual agreement, & realistic outgoings (including debt repayment) - not autocratic diktats.

So give yourself some radical honesty, mull over all those questions in your own mind, & decide whether DH reacted like an arse as a one-off, or whether it's part of a deeper pattern of imposing decisons on you & acting unfairly/obliviously about what your budget needs to be.
And it it's the latter, taking your card away would be as sinister as it felt when you described in in your OP.

Hope it's not, & you & DH can work this out more sensibly.

[1forAll74]

This might well help to curb your spending a bit, as in presents for people, and buying stuff off Amazon , things that are not really necessary when on a budget.. You have got your very own Money saving expert now.!!

[HarebrightCedarmoon]

So at what point is it ok for one member of the team to actually put their foot down? £100? £1000?

Member of the team? He's not her bloody manager.

[HarebrightCedarmoon]

God, I couldn't live like that. We have a joint account for bills and our own separate accounts that salaries go into. We'd never have to account to one another for £20 spent on friends.

[me4real]

So when you say he took the card, what happened?

The only way it can be acceptable is if the card-taking was a result of an equal discussion between the two of you, and you were part of the decision, with no duress/manipulation.

It doesn't sound like that's what happened.

[me4real]

A friend helps/has helped me budget and looked after some of my money so I couldn't access it to spend it. But I asked him to.

[ChargingBuck]

@itsaccrualworld, your post made so many good points, but I really have to take issue with

Stick to your budget for a few weeks and then I'm sure your OH will be more amenable to giving you the card back.

WTF?
Whether he is "amenable" or not is beside the point.
It's theft. Married or not, he has no rights to anybody else's bank card. The bank wouldn't be amused either, surely most folk know how banks frown upon even "borrowing relative's card", let alone "nicked it 'cos I was cross about £20 & decided to be Victorian Dad out of Viz".

[StoppinBy]

I'm kind of torn on this one.

I imagine that you really have no regard for actually paying the money back that you owe. I also suspect that you are very wasteful still with money given your attitude to overspending other people's money (yes, the money you have spare belongs to your parents until your debt is paid).

On the other hand for him to take your card is somewhat crossing the line but without knowing the whole story (and I suspect that you are not being fully honest on how far over you gave been every week or your attitude towards being over budget every week) it's hard to judge how far over the line he has crossed.

At the end of the day, you both agreed the budget. If for reasonable reasons it's not working out, reassess it together. If you are simply wasting money then get your act together and start doing better. Only the two of you know the whole story though.

[ivfgottwins]

We agreed this budget a few months ago, he has stuck to it fairly comfortably every week I have been pushing it and gone very slightly over every week.

I'd take the credit card off you too

Why should he trust you? You've shown you can't be trusted by not sticking to the agreement every week

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

As the child of a spendthrift, I don't see that your DH did so very wrong.
You clearly have trouble curbing your spending, or sticking to a budget - he needs the budget to be adhered to and you're not bothered because "hey, parents aren't asking for the money we owe them back at the moment"

The way to get out of debt and STAY out of debt is to stop spending. You haven't managed this, so your DH is managing it for you. If you HAD managed it, and it had been a sudden emergency spend, I doubt he would have done this. But it wasn't, was it.

In all honesty you sound quite petulant about it - your spending on Amazon has been curbed, it's harder to pay in cash - well good! Might help you stick to the budget a bit more!

Money is one of the biggest bones of contention in most relationships, and when one is more of a spender than the other, it can become huge. You need to learn to manage your money better so that you DON'T go into debt any more.

[Coyoacan]

Yes we borrowed money from both our parents but they are not really asking for it back

The problem is that you are not convinced that you need to pay your parents back.

Personally when I lend money to someone I don't ask for it back but I expect it back and probably need it back at some point. I may never lend them money again if they don't pay back the first loan.

If you wanted money gifted to you, you should have asked for a gift.

[mathanxiety]

Agree 100% with @pallisers.

The husband has in effect turned the relationship into one where the OP answers to him, where he has taken a position of authority over her.

He now dishes cash out to her as if she were a child.


@Sophiewoods, it's time you set up your own bank account, and your H can set up his own too. The joint account can be used for bills and food. The individual accounts are for discretionary spending.

This system guarantees that each party to the marriage gets to live like a grown adult.

[choli]

@HarebrightCedarmoon

God, I couldn't live like that. We have a joint account for bills and our own separate accounts that salaries go into. We'd never have to account to one another for £20 spent on friends.

Would you be able to account to each other for money borrowed that you never intend to repay?

[JeansShirtJeansJacket]

If my DH and owed family money and were generally struggling financially due to long term overspending, and then we agreed a budget and repayments, and my partner repeatedly blew the budget so that we couldn't make the repayments we agreed to or couldn't pay bills, then I would be absolutely furious.

I have been in a relationship with someone who was irresponsible with money and he financially ruined me. It took me 7 years to get back into the black.

So I think it's reasonable for your partner to say enough is enough. However, I think him removing your bank card is wrong. There were other ways of dealing with this that should have been tried first, and then if they didn't work, you could have set up joint accounts for spending money. That way nobody is taking away anybody's bank card. That seems wrong to me. It could be the start of financial abuse.

[JeansShirtJeansJacket]

*set up separate accounts for spending money, that should say.

[GAHgamel]

He's being a bit controlling, but you're taking the piss. If you're blowing the budget every single week, you need to be looking at what's causing that and making changes in what you spend and how you spend so that you can keep your spending down, not handwaving it as not an issue because the people you've borrowed money off are not clamouring for it back right this minute. It's all very well saying you think he should trust you more, but you're currently demonstrating week after week that he can't. If you knew you had a couple of friends with birthdays coming up, you should've negotiated a bit of extra headroom that week, or worked out how to take a bit off the top of your budget in the surrounding weeks to cover it, rather than effectively going "whoops, my bad."

[category12]

Yes we borrowed money from both our parents but they are not really asking for it back

Don't you feel guilty or uncomfortable about owing your parents money?

It seems like you're not fussed and that's really where the problem is. You have very different attitudes to money. You don't care that you owe them for whatever reason, (you think they can afford it, or you think you're entitled to it, or whatever) - and your partner is bothered.

Should he take your card off you? No.

He can't make you bothered about the debt.

But if you agree to a budget with a partner, you really should try to stick to it. Did you have equal input in working it out? If not, maybe you should revisit it together and make it more workable.

[rwalker]

Wow your in debt continually over spend and in no rush to pay parents back .
He's right your taking the piss

[Bagelsandbrie]

Just because your parents aren’t asking for the money back don’t think they don’t want the money back. You need to pay it back ASAP.

[Kokosrieksts]

A bit controlling??

[londonscalling]

A lot depends on how much you earn and what your budget is. If you are on a very high salary and you go over budget by just £20 then I'd tell him to sod off.
If your budget is low and isn't enough to include food etc, then again he's being unreasonable. HOWEVER, if you keep getting into debt because you waste money each week then that's a different matter as it sounds like he's trying to help you both get back on track!

[strawberrydonuts]

A BIT controlling? I would be out the door before you could blink if someone tried to do that to me.

[strawberrydonuts]

@londonscalling

A lot depends on how much you earn and what your budget is. If you are on a very high salary and you go over budget by just £20 then I'd tell him to sod off.
If your budget is low and isn't enough to include food etc, then again he's being unreasonable. HOWEVER, if you keep getting into debt because you waste money each week then that's a different matter as it sounds like he's trying to help you both get back on track!

It doesn't depend on anything.

OP asked if her husband is being controlling and the answer is categorically yes, he is.

The particular situations around why OP is struggling with money and how she could/ should help herself with that aren't really relevant. His behaviour is unacceptable regardless.

He doesn't get to decide and control her like this.

[GreenLeafTurnip]

I cannot believe that some people think this is in any way justifiable!

OP has her own wages paid into their joint account and husband is giving her an allowance?! This is financial abuse clear and simple. If he doesn't think she can help clear the debts then he needs to speak to her about it and consider leaving. What he's done is not ok in anyway!