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Original poster

My husband took my credit card

442 replies

Sophiewoods · 30/06/2021 22:50

Hey, my husband and I agreed together on a budget and that I was supposed to stick to this budget. However last week I was about £20 over this budget. My hubby got really annoyed with me for this, especially as he has managed to stick to his side of the agreement. He has now taken away my credit card to our joint account and has given me cash for my budget this week and says he will give me money every week. As much as I realise what I did was bad and he has a right to be annoyed, I think him taking away my credit card is an over reaction and a bit controlling. I think he should trust me more. It is a massive pain having to pay in cash and also I can't buy things online and use Amazon. I'm 34, my husband in 37. We have 2 kids, 4 and 6. I work part time. Everything else in our relationship is great. Do you think I am right to think he is being a bit controlling? I know he is trying to help me stick to this budget but it seems a bit of an over the top reaction to me

OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 30/06/2021 23:48

Just get a replacement.

To be fair though, adults who are in debt shouldn't be purchasing birthday gifts for their friends.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 30/06/2021 23:49

Usually I would say he is being very unreasonable, but the fact you are calling a debit card a credit card repeatedly, and you've went over the agreed budget every week, and the fact that no one is nagging you to pay the debt back means you're not really in any hurry to do so, makes me think you're a bit irresponsible and shit with money.
Who decided what the limit would be? How much debt are you in and what is your budget for the week?

Fiddliestofsticks · 30/06/2021 23:50

@audweb

He did consult her. They made an agreement. She breaks that agreement every single week by spending her spending money and the dipping into the family money which is needed for Bill's and debt payments. That's abusive.

He sticks to the budget they booth agreed. She spends the family money which they both agreed was to be used on debt payments. She is abusing the family money, abusing his trust and that sort of behaviour destroys relationships.

LawnFever · 30/06/2021 23:50

So you mean a debit card not credit card?

It seems a little excessive over £20 but if you’re on a tight budget you’ve agreed to pay off debts and you’re spending money on birthday presents that aren’t essential I can see why he’s annoyed.

If this was reversed and someone’s husband had agreed a strict budget then kept going over it drinking down the pub people would be quick to agree he should be made to stick to the agreed budget & stop wasting money.

Shelddd · 30/06/2021 23:50

I don't agree with taking away credit or bank card from one party for going 20 over you guys should have equal access to funds... If he would have said something like "debit/credit card (whatever it is) isn't working... Let's switch to a cash budget, what do you think?" And you said okay and then you both switched to cash... That's how 2 reasonable adults would handle the situation.

It's like if one partner starts gaining too much weight... As a team you clean up your diet together and workout together rather than just punish that person.

grapewine · 30/06/2021 23:51

Stick to the budget that was agreed and don't buy gifts that push you over. I wouldn't have taken the card, that's a lot, but I would have been very annoyed if a budget had been agreed because there are debts to repay, and I stuck it while the other person went over every week.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/06/2021 23:52

If he would have said something like "debit/credit card (whatever it is) isn't working... Let's switch to a cash budget, what do you think?" And you said okay and then you both switched to cash... That's how 2 reasonable adults would handle the situation.

This is a great shout actually.

covidcloser · 30/06/2021 23:52

@pallisers

I nearly lost us our house

just so we remember the OP went 20 pounds over budget. No house-losing, no bankruptcy, no evictions, no children in the workhouse., This is a man imposing his financial control on his wife and his justification is she went 20 pounds over budger .... and loads of women are saying well in context that could be ok.

Jesus.

Just to be clear, before I said ^i nearly lost us out house' I also said You can't really say without context though. Which really was a key part of my post. Silly of you to omit it to try and gain the upper hand there.

BaronessBomburst · 30/06/2021 23:52

I get the feeling that the OP is minimising here.

Hawkins001 · 30/06/2021 23:52

I understand your perspectives op, although if you are attempting to budget, what are your expenditure levels that keep putting your budget over each month ?

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 30/06/2021 23:53

@pallisers

I nearly lost us our house

just so we remember the OP went 20 pounds over budget. No house-losing, no bankruptcy, no evictions, no children in the workhouse., This is a man imposing his financial control on his wife and his justification is she went 20 pounds over budger .... and loads of women are saying well in context that could be ok.

Jesus.

Well I mean if I wanted to pay my parents/pil back the debt I owed them, and had set a budget with my partner that allowed us to do that, and my partner repeatedly went over that budget buying things like birthday presents for their friends, I would be pretty annoyed. Money might be really tight. The £20 could make all the difference, you never know. I doubt I would try to take his card away, but he would definitely be told exactly what I thought.
pallisers · 30/06/2021 23:53

and he's given her weeks of chances but she overspend every single time.

She's a flyer isn't she - managed to get to 20 pounds over after a number of weeks. Honest to god, I think he should divorce her or put her in debtor's prison or something else equally absurd.

So many women here thinking a woman should be put on an allowance because she went 20 pounds over budget in one week when BOTH she and her husband incurred the debt.

Amazing. No wonder men get to fuck us over.

Fiddliestofsticks · 30/06/2021 23:53

@pallisers

So at what point is it ok for one member of the team to actually put their foot down? £100? £1000?

They've agreed a spending budget. They both have one, he sticks to it but she does not. She is spending family money which is needed for debt repayments, while he keeps within the budget. Why is she not abusive? She is financially abusing the family by taking their debt repayment money to spend on what she likes. And she does that every week. Leaving all the stress and worry about debts and budgets to him, so she can spend the family money as she likes. One of them is financially abusing the other, but it iant him.

pallisers · 30/06/2021 23:54

I doubt I would try to take his card away, but he would definitely be told exactly what I thought.

Exactly. How normal people behave.

Original poster
Sophiewoods · 30/06/2021 23:54

@forumdonkey

Your title says credit card. Was it a credit card or bank card?

Are you in debt?

Yeah sorry its a debit card Yes we borrowed money from both our parents but they are not really asking for it back
OP posts:
covidcloser · 30/06/2021 23:54

@pallisers

and he's given her weeks of chances but she overspend every single time.

She's a flyer isn't she - managed to get to 20 pounds over after a number of weeks. Honest to god, I think he should divorce her or put her in debtor's prison or something else equally absurd.

So many women here thinking a woman should be put on an allowance because she went 20 pounds over budget in one week when BOTH she and her husband incurred the debt.

Amazing. No wonder men get to fuck us over.

It's not a feminist issue. Calm down.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 30/06/2021 23:54

Also, the OP hasn't given us any context really, and it sounds like there may be quite a bit more of a protean they are letting on.

justasking111 · 30/06/2021 23:54

@Sophiewoods

Our account is a joint account and both our wages are paid in there. We have both spent too much in the past and have had to borrow quite a bit of money from both of our parents. He is very keen to pay this money back, but none of our parents are really nagging us about it. We agreed this budget a few months ago, he has stuck to it fairly comfortably every week. I have been pushing it and gone very slightly over every week. Last week I bought birthday presents for 2 close friends which pushed me over.
Parents not really nagging you say which means that they do expect it returned. Stop your Amazon account, shopping online, buying present for friends explaining you're skint. Pay parents back. Get a better paying job or work more hours
ahoyshipmates · 30/06/2021 23:54

What do you normally pay for out of your budget, and what does he pay for out of his?

Fiddliestofsticks · 30/06/2021 23:55

Exactly,. They both got into the debt. He is sticking to their agreement to get out of debt. She isnt. She admits to over spending every week...and that money is being removed from their account without discussing it with him. She is just taking money which is needed for debt repayment away from their family pot, so she can spend it.

audweb · 30/06/2021 23:55

[quote Fiddliestofsticks]@audweb

He did consult her. They made an agreement. She breaks that agreement every single week by spending her spending money and the dipping into the family money which is needed for Bill's and debt payments. That's abusive.

He sticks to the budget they booth agreed. She spends the family money which they both agreed was to be used on debt payments. She is abusing the family money, abusing his trust and that sort of behaviour destroys relationships.[/quote]
You talk about it. You come up with other strategies and plans. You don’t take a credit card off a grown adult and say they are only getting cash because you have decided alone that this is the case.

FYI I come from a family that dealt with a debt situation and it was modelled to me that in order to fix it you work together. You don’t make decisions that actually - you’re not really allowed to do for other grown adults. She went twenty quid over!

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 30/06/2021 23:56

Honestly though OP, you're lucky it's parents you owe the money to, because you really couldn't do that if it was debt collectors. Maybe he thinks you are taking the piss and being a bit disrespectful to both your parents.

messybun101 · 30/06/2021 23:59

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Usually I would say he is being very unreasonable, but the fact you are calling a debit card a credit card repeatedly, and you've went over the agreed budget every week, and the fact that no one is nagging you to pay the debt back means you're not really in any hurry to do so, makes me think you're a bit irresponsible and shit with money. Who decided what the limit would be? How much debt are you in and what is your budget for the week?
Tho ^
Fiddliestofsticks · 30/06/2021 23:59

She goes over every week. And look at her Oh, they arent really asking for it back so why should I pay them nonsense. Entitled as fuck.

She cant stick to a budget,.not even for one week. The family cannot afford her spending anymore. So she loses access to money set aside for bill payments and debts. Why would she need it? She cant spend it. They need that money.

youvegottenminuteslynn · 01/07/2021 00:00

@pallisers

and he's given her weeks of chances but she overspend every single time.

She's a flyer isn't she - managed to get to 20 pounds over after a number of weeks. Honest to god, I think he should divorce her or put her in debtor's prison or something else equally absurd.

So many women here thinking a woman should be put on an allowance because she went 20 pounds over budget in one week when BOTH she and her husband incurred the debt.

Amazing. No wonder men get to fuck us over.

I've been the partner who has had to stick to the budget and in fact spend well under the budget to counteract the fact I knew my partner would always overspend. I'm so happy I'm in a nice, normal, equal relationship now as I doubt my ex has changed. I'm a woman, he's a man. I don't think this a gender thing at all and I know a few women who have taken sole control of finances due to husbands having gambling habits for example (two of these, sadly) and their husband uses cash so he can't be tempted to gamble online. I think both relationships are incredibly unhealthy and the entire mental load is on the woman in those two. Perhaps OP's husband feels the same especially when she says things that imply because their parents aren't nagging so paying that isn't a priority after living costs are covered. It would make me think their attitude to money wasn't changing and panic for the future.

Which is why I couldn't be in a relationship like this. But in the short term, while getting my shit together to leave, I would want to find a way of removing the risk of overspending. A PP's suggestion of agreeing to both use cash is a good way of doing that I think.