My husband took my credit card

[Sophiewoods]

Hey, my husband and I agreed together on a budget and that I was supposed to stick to this budget. However last week I was about £20 over this budget. My hubby got really annoyed with me for this, especially as he has managed to stick to his side of the agreement. He has now taken away my credit card to our joint account and has given me cash for my budget this week and says he will give me money every week. As much as I realise what I did was bad and he has a right to be annoyed, I think him taking away my credit card is an over reaction and a bit controlling. I think he should trust me more. It is a massive pain having to pay in cash and also I can't buy things online and use Amazon. I'm 34, my husband in 37. We have 2 kids, 4 and 6. I work part time. Everything else in our relationship is great. Do you think I am right to think he is being a bit controlling? I know he is trying to help me stick to this budget but it seems a bit of an over the top reaction to me

[bigbaggyeyes]

I don't ever think it's ok to take a debit card off anyone, you're both adults.

But, and it's a big but, if you're overspending each week and having to borrow money something is very wrong. You overspent on birthday presents, not food or utility bills. This could have been avoided and if he's been going without to stick to his budget, then so should you. Birthday presents can be bought very cheaply with some forward planning or careful spending. £20 is quite an overspend in this case IMO on 2 presents. So I can image your dh is a bit fed up of this has been happening on a regular basis

[Neolara]

How much money do you owe your parents / in laws?

[Longestfewdaysupcoming]

If you’ve been, for example, £20 over per week for 6 months that’s almost £500

[Shodan]

Some PPs are saying he's controlling, and perhaps they're right- but isn't it equally as controlling to know you're in debt, agree a plan to repay it, and then deliberately flout that agreement by going over the budget every week?

My XH would do this- overspend, then claim it was 'necessary' spending (it never was). It felt like he was happy for us all to remain in debt just so he could maintain the lifestyle he wanted. And he knew that I would always try to compensate for him because I felt guilty about owing people money. That's a kind of control too, in my eyes.

[Dozycuntlaters]

When you say 'we've spent too much in the past' do you mean YOU have spent too much or was it both of you?

On one hand I think it's a bit much that he's taken your debit card but on the other you do seem quite blasé about it and seem like you're not that bothered about paying the money back as your parents are not asking for it. He must find that quite frustrating.

Are we getting the full picture here, and how much is quite a lot. If you're a regular over spender maybe he feels that this is the only way you can both stay on budget. I couldn't be with someone who got us into debt then wouldn't help get us out of it.

[BarbaraofSeville]

The OP hasn't given enough information about whether this was an acceptable last resort of a man at a loss as to what to do about his spendthrift wife or a controlling bully trying to stop his wife having access to money, or anywhere in between.

Are all joint costs adequately covered from the household budget, or is the OP expected to pay for some of these.

Are the parents not asking for the money back because they're far more comfortable than the OPs family and just see it as a gift/early inheritence or are they struggling themselves on a low income but have a misguided 'we always need to help our DC no matter how irresponsible they are' mindset.

Are the personal allowances they've allocated themselves reasonable and the OP just has high expectations about personal spending, or is it very tight and doesn't even cover essential clothing/basic phone contract/odd coffee with friend sort of expenditure.

Is the OP constantly shopping and buying things she/DC don't need because they are already drowning in stuff, or does she have holes in her shoes/underwear etc?

Unless the OP gives some more detail, no-one can say who's being unreasonable here.

[speakout]

I took my OHs cards from him- with his agreement.
I can see a situation where things end up in such a situation.

[DifficultBloodyWoman]

@pallisers

I'm getting the feeling that there are a lot of women out there with no notion of what it means to be an adult female with automony.

I’m getting the feeling that there are a lot of men and women out there with no notion of what it means to be adult with autonomy and fiscal responsibility.

[Fluffycloudland77]

Your parents shouldn’t have to ask for the money back. It’s their money you spent. They worked for that.

[CambsAlways]

While I don’t think a husband or wife should suddenly take the card away, it seems very controlling! But there’s obviously a back story to this, if he’s sticking to a budget and she’s always going over it then the budget is clearly not working is it , how much debt are you in ?

[SoupDragon]

You agreed a budget which he has stuck to every week and you have failed to stick to every week. I'm not surprised he doesn't trust you with the card.

[flippertygibbit]

I would have taken the card off you too! You both owe your parents money and the fact they're not asking for it back is just an excuse for you to spend more. You're clearly irresponsible and need to grow up and take responsibility for your actions. Your husband certainly is - have some pride in yourself!

[category12]

One of the examples I cited in my divorce for unreasonable behaviour was that the ex and I had paid off a credit card and agreed not to use it, and then he just spent on it anyway.

If you're paying lip service to agreements with your partner but just breaking them and doing what you want anyway, it's not really about the amounts involved, it's about the breach of trust.

Unless there's a backstory of other behaviours from him, while I don't think he should take her card off her, I'm not sure what his way forward actually is, if she's just blatantly not going to stick to what they agree.

Maybe he should separate finances from her entirely and pay back his own parents.

[singlehun]

I think (sweeping statement on its way!) that men don't realise that women have higher spending needs than they do. You said it was presents for 2 close friends that took you over your budget... what man buys gifts for friend's birthdays?

Do you buy more for the kids too? If you work part time and are with them more as a result then you may find the odd snack at the park, coffee on a play date etc. Adds up.

Maybe you need to sit down together and rehash the budget?

[SoupDragon]

that men don't realise that women have higher spending needs than they do. You said it was presents for 2 close friends that took you over your budget... what man buys gifts for friend's birthdays?

That would be a spending "want" not a "need".

[category12]

I think (sweeping statement on its way!) that men don't realise that women have higher spending needs than they do. You said it was presents for 2 close friends that took you over your budget... what man buys gifts for friend's birthdays?

Bollocks. My ex spent loads more than me.

And buying presents for adults is not a need. You just give them a card or a token present if you're skint.

[Longestfewdaysupcoming]

My ex spends way more than me.

If you’re on a budget, adult friends’ birthday presents is definitely not a priority.

[Bagelsandbrie]

If you’re on a budget and need to pay back debt you don’t buy presents for friends you can’t afford.

[LadyCatStark]

YABU to not worry about paying g your parents back until they nag you but it’s never reasonable to take someone’s debit card off them. You’re not a child, he doesn’t have the right to give you pocket money.

I do wonder though if this is one of those very common cases where everything the children need comes out of the woman’s money and his money is all for himself, making it easier to comfortably stick to the budget.

[singlehun]

Practically speaking, can you not pay your parents back at the start of each month so the money isn't there to spend?

Or, open a new account and have only the agreed amount put in to that account? Assuming the budget is fair.

I've never ever been able to keep to a budget unless the money isn't physically there (which it's not in my current situation)

[Heronsnest]

Are your budgets the same? How did you work them out? If you are going over your budget every week maybe this is what you need to discuss. Presumably if you’re working part time you are with the DC more. Is your overspend because of cash you’re spending on the children?
I think taking your card away is out of order, but if you are really committed to getting out of debt another discussion is needed with realistic targets. (Buying expensive presents when you’re skint isn’t the best idea to be honest.)

[looptheloopinahulahoop]

I think you're both at fault. It's not ok for him take your card away - it is very controlling, especially for the sake of £20.

But you are a grown woman in your 30s, why on earth can't you create a budget and stick to it? Or, if you need to go over it, talk to your husband about it first? Presents for friends are discretionary spending and could be reduced in value - you can explain you are reducing debt if you think they will think you are mean.

[Killahangilion]

@Sophiewoods

Our account is a joint account and both our wages are paid in there. We have both spent too much in the past and have had to borrow quite a bit of money from both of our parents. He is very keen to pay this money back, but none of our parents are really nagging us about it. We agreed this budget a few months ago, he has stuck to it fairly comfortably every week. I have been pushing it and gone very slightly over every week. Last week I bought birthday presents for 2 close friends which pushed me over.

Your attitude towards your debts to BOTH SETS of parents stinks!

You are prioritising the wrong things and your DH is trying hard to help you sort yourself out, but you’re not paying attention.

How old are you? When are you going to grow up and take responsibility for managing your money sensibly? Were you very spoilt as a child?

If you don’t get a grip and prioritise repaying your parents back, you might end up losing a lot more than just your debit card.

[looptheloopinahulahoop]

Is your overspend because of cash you’re spending on the children

I also meant to say this - this is key. It may well be easier for him to stick to his budget if he isn't buying ad hoc things for the kids.

[AnotherDayAnotherCake]

When do you get the card back? If you stick to the budget for a week? A month? 6 months?

If you are consistently busting the budget I have some sympathy for your DH but taking the card away has to be a temporary measure surely? A chance to reign it in and then return to normal.

I’m on your DH’s side about repaying the debt btw. I also think it should be a priority regardless of whether or not they are ‘nagging’ you for it back.