My husband took my credit card

[Sophiewoods]

Hey, my husband and I agreed together on a budget and that I was supposed to stick to this budget. However last week I was about £20 over this budget. My hubby got really annoyed with me for this, especially as he has managed to stick to his side of the agreement. He has now taken away my credit card to our joint account and has given me cash for my budget this week and says he will give me money every week. As much as I realise what I did was bad and he has a right to be annoyed, I think him taking away my credit card is an over reaction and a bit controlling. I think he should trust me more. It is a massive pain having to pay in cash and also I can't buy things online and use Amazon. I'm 34, my husband in 37. We have 2 kids, 4 and 6. I work part time. Everything else in our relationship is great. Do you think I am right to think he is being a bit controlling? I know he is trying to help me stick to this budget but it seems a bit of an over the top reaction to me

@Sophiewoods

yeah I do almost all the shopping and buy almost everything for the kids. Its not like he never buys any food for all of us or buys anything for the kids but I would say I do at least 90% of this

Out of your budget or out of the joint budget?

I find the advice to sit her husband down and make a case that she should be treated like a grown up baffling and very worrying. Nobody has the right to take away someone's access to money in a joint account, some of which was deposited there by the person now deprived of access to it. It's not the husband's money to take away and dole out. He is using money to domineer.

Well we don't have any other problems really other than this one. Idk I should have probably put that but I thought like we had thought this through a bit in that he had realised I needed more than him and like ig i didn't think and was thinking since i had more money and he'd worked this out it was probably reasonable and like I'd kinda accepted I was bad going over idk its just I thought his reaction was bad. And also I was worried if I said I was doing all the shopping people would think this was a problem but this is me being stupid ig. Idk my head is so confused by this and idk what is right here anymore really

It's clear to me from this that @Sophiewoods is being financially abused by her husband. I would bet the farm that the impression the OP is giving of someone confused and acting silly is the result of a domineering partner engaging in criticism and brow beating. I agree that you sound like someone who has been 'broken' as @chickenyhead said.

Just buy enough food for you and the children from your 'allowance', @Sophiewoods. See how he likes that. It's all you can reasonably afford on the pittance he is giving you.

I am really upset by this, whenever we talk about it he is not very respectful, whenever I raise concerns about the budget he always talks over me and says he is doing fine with his. And he also keeps reminding me I've agreed to it now and he keeps reminding me that it is my fault. I know it largely is my fault but like it has really upset me. I know he has good intentions but I am questioning whether I really want to be married to him, but I feel really awful thinking this

Yes, this is abuse.
Telling you the family financial situation is all your fault?
Fuck that.

He is grinding you down and treating you like shit.

What does he spend money on?

OP, if you had mentioned the full story from the start, you would have got different responses, but you made it sound like you had agreed a budget and had so much a week to spend for yourself and you had exceeded it.

This is a link to the budget planner that I mentioned earlier. You need to sit down with your husband and go through it and work out a budget that covers ALL household expenses between you. Include all income , including wages, WTC, UC, CB if applicable, and all expenditure for the entire year. You can then work out an amount that you are each left with for yourself each week, and see if you can save/repay your parents.

Have a joint pot for all the necessary spending and transfer excess to savings/your own account. Neither of you are allowed to spend out of the budget account or there wont be enough to cover bills when they arise, and what you each do with your own bit of money is up to you.

www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/budget-planning/

yeah, i stand by what i said earlier.

groceries and essentials for the children should be coming out of your joint account.

you weekly personal budget should be disposable income only.

If you feel that maybe the amount you have to spend is too tight, write down every single thing you spend the money on. This will be an eye opener for either you or your DH, as it will prove that either you are frittering it away, or that the budget is too small for the things you need to pay for - note need, not want.

I think you may both be surprised at the result, with him maybe underestimating necessary costs, and you underestimating the amount you spend on non essentials.

We're still not getting clear answers, is the weekly shopping etc coming out of OP's budget or not?!

@SuperstoreFan

We're still not getting clear answers, is the weekly shopping etc coming out of OP's budget or not?!

Yeah shes said that a few times I think.

Honestly OP this is not working for you.

You and your DH need to sit down, work out all essential spends, which includes stuff for the kids and food shopping, budget for that and split equally what's left, if anything, for personal spends.

My ex was financially controlling, and it's hard to spot at first. It creeps up on you, feeds on secrecy and leaves you feeling broken and guilty. It also detroys your social life, friendships and credit rating if it goes on long enough. Because eg you can't afford presents, days out, and are too embarassed to admit that so you avoid people.

I have to say OP your DH sounds very like my ex, everything is your fault and you can never win

@category12

People who complain about drip feeds seem to view this as an entertainment rather than a support site.

Not really - OP starts off saying everything's great in their relationship apart from this, that she's routinely overspending when they've agreed a budget, and talks about spending online on Amazon and buying presents.

Finding out later on that he decided the budget and she didn't have much input, and the household shopping/children's stuff comes out of her money changes the complexion of it entirely.

This.

And he also keeps reminding me I've agreed to it now

OP you have the right to change your mind about anything, at any time.

Thanks, yeah I am very confused and idk what I want or what is right anymore. I feel like he has good intentions and he is trying to help us but the way this is making me feel is just horrible and I just don't want to have to feel like this and that is what is making me doubt everything. Like i am worried even if we resolve this I'll be worried if we have another major problem he'll deal with it in the same way and I'll feel just as bad. I feel a little emarrassed talking to people about this tbh and also he wants me to keep financial issues between us but maybe it has got to the point where I have to as I feel so awful. I don't think he is abusing me though he is just trying to help but in completely the wrong way and he seems to think I am clueless at this which again upsets me

As an adult, you have the right to make your own decisions, even if they're bad ones. As I mentioned in my first post, if your DH thinks you're always making bad decisions he has the right to choose to leave you. You also have the right to choose to leave him, for whatever reason. The reason doesn't have to be "reasonable", so it's not necessarily a question of working out if you're being unreasonable. As an adult, you have a right to be unreasonable (just don't expect others to like it!). So if you want to leave DH over his behaviour, that's fine and you don't have to justify it.

There's a certain type of abuser out there where everything is "for your own good" so it's quite hard to spot the controlling behaviour because its portrayed as "concern" for you and necessary for your wellbeing.

"Confused about right and wrong" is how abuse makes you feel, so I see your confusion as a red flag.

The fact you "feel horrible" about the situation but can't put your finger on why is also a red flag. You don't feel this way for no reason. Your gut instinct is trying to tell you something isn't right, but "not right" is normal for you so you can't see what's "not right". A person might feel horrible if they've done wrong and feeling guilty for their behaviour, but I don't think it's that because you mentioned the future and a fear of him behaving this way again. You called it "worry" but I think "fear" is an equally accurate word. I think if it was guilt about your own behaviour you wouldn't have this fear, because your own behaviour is within your control so this situation wouldn't occur in the future. So it sounds like you're afraid of him/his behaviour in dealing with problems in general.

With "keeping financial issues between you" there's a difference between telling your private business to all and sundry, eg your friends and acquaintances, and telling people anonymously on an internet forum. We don't know who you are, so it doesn't really count as telling people. You can't get advice without telling people the problem and details. Imagine going to the doctor about an STI but not telling them the problem was with your genitals or happened after sex, because those things are private. Sometimes it's necessary to tell certain things to certain people. It's also true that abusers don't want anyone to know about their abuse, so they'd much prefer you don't tell anyone! They have a habit of inventing reasons excuses for why you shouldn't tell anyone ever about what's going on.

Thinking you are "clueless" is putting you down and to repeatedly state it would knock your confidence, even if it's true. Imagine if someone is fat. That can be said as a statement of fact in a non-negative helpful way eg have I put on weight? Yes you are looking a little fat, shall we go for more walks at the weekend? Or it can be an abusive term eg FFS you fat cow why don't you eat less?! The latter is not ok. Of course, it might also be that the person isn't fat anyway, even if they're getting abuse for it. If you are clueless, you can educate yourself or find ways round the things you struggle with, but it should never be used as a way to put you down even if it's true.

I still don't agree with your attitude towards paying your parents and in-laws back, about it not mattering because they're not chasing for repayment, but that's a totally separate issue to whether or not you're being financially abused (and it looks like you might be).

Sorry to read your updates OP. I made a flippant comment earlier and I apologise for that as I didn't realise how bad things are for you. The PP above has given you some good advice.

OP, just because you agreed to something, doesn't mean that it can't change if it's not viable. You aren't going back on your word, you are asking to assess the situation.

Please do the budget that I linked to above. It is the only way to see exactly what you spend in a year and how much money you need to put away each month to cover the whole year. Your DH can't argue with black and white. Both of you should only get spends once all the bills have been covered.

Do you think the combined 120 is enough per week?

I would suggest both parties debit cards get hidden away for a month, only deal with cash. If you need to buy anything online fine but that amount gets removed from the cash total. Take care with money over that month - give birthday presents a miss but don't stress if essentials tip you over the combined 120.
Keep a notebook with every purchase in it - make a note of it it was a house, kids, personal item and who bought it.

Once you get to the end of the month re-evaluate your budgets and who gets what and what budget you can give to the little extras like buying a friend a birthday present or going out for coffee

Family finances should deal with facts not "oh you agreed 6months ago that would be fine" without any reflection as whether or not

Also, during that month keep an eye on how your partner is treating you and whether his recent actions are a clumsy and misguided way of straightening your finances or something more unreasonable.

Final, thing and apologies if it's the curse of the written world with out the nuiance of spoken language. The way you phrased ”i keep pushing the limit"... Has it been a conscious decision to see what would happen if you repeatedly went over the budget? And what did you expect him to say? Maybe something to think about privately. I'm not after an answer just the phrasing used was interesting

£120 a week may not seem like much to some people but if that is all you can afford, there’s no much way around it. People learn to live with little if the circumstances require it.

Having said that, what is your DH’s timescale to pay the debt? I know that my ex managed to make our life miserable convinced he wanted a 15 years mortgage only ( we were in our twenties) until I snapped and extended the term.

We had a similar thing as you do, but the food was paid from the main account and what would go in our personal accounts was only for personal expenses (coffee with friends, hobbies, etc). We put this “scheme” in place after my ex spent £600 in a month in the new Costa at work.

I’m sure he says I am controlling but honestly, one thing here and another there we were always in red numbers. It was interesting to see how things panned out after divorce. I felt rich in a small salary and TC but then I managed to reduce my food and personal expenses to meet our £50 a week tops budget. My ex, on the other hand… presented himself in court after a year, with a new credit card debt of over £30k demanding for me to pay for half as we were, technically, still married. Looking in detail, £13k of them were spent in food and expensive wines, he was a foodie but fucking hell… I never knew £11 a kilo tomatoes existed until he presented me with the receipt

@Sophiewoods - I think your dh’s reaction sounds totally ott. However, your attitude that your parents have not asked for the money they lent you back absolutely sucks. You do actually come across as someone with a very poor understanding of budgeting and taking financial responsibility, so if I were your dh, I would find your attitude to your debts exasperating, selfish and irresponsible. As you have both had a poor attitude to budgeting in the past, though, and you obviously have an issue with compulsive purchasing of things you know you can’t afford, I think he should have made more effort to discuss and agree the budget with you before it was set, with both of you understanding why each of you had allocated what you had. Also, you need to seek advice on budgeting, as you have admitted you have overspent pretty much every week for weeks, the £20 overspend was not a one-off, so your behaviour is actually unchanged from the past. You still cannot be bothered to stick to any budget and have no sense of responsibility around money, because other people bail you out.

Walkaround how about reading the read before posting. The OP is being financially abused FFS

@wewereliars - I have read the thread. I think the OP has a very poor understanding of budgeting. Financial abuse is much easier to perpetrate on people like the OP. Hence thinking the dh’s behaviour is ott AND the OP is utterly irresponsible. As their children are 4 and 6 and they have joint accounts and this is the first time the dh has ever behaved like this, I would not say he has been financially abusive for very long!