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Original poster

I’ve massively messed up

232 replies

Walker111 · 27/06/2021 16:50

Split with husband a year ago due to his numerous affairs and controlling abuse, moved out of the family home about 4 months ago. Not an amicable split by any means but I’m moving on, sorted childcare arrangements, just bought a new home for me and DD (9) which is currently going through.

Even started seeing a lovely new man when my daughter was with her dad. Just dating now and again and amazing sex, no plans to introduce him to my DD.

Then I messed up. I’m pregnant. I know this is my own careless and stupid fault and I’m so angry and disappointed in myself. His fault too as it was always me insisting on using condoms…and one time, about two weeks ago, we didn’t.

I’m 38, always longed for a second child but my husband didn’t want one (looking back now I see that it wouldn’t fit in well with him having affairs).

But how can I now?

I’m not even divorced, don’t live with the dad, only been seeing him a few months so I can’t even say that I know him well. I don’t know how he’ll react or even if I should tell him if I decide not something I have the baby.

If I’m honest all of the above wouldn’t matter. Because it only harms me and id deal with that in order to have the baby.

But my overwhelming worry is my daughter. Every time I look at her my heart breaks. She just gone through the separation of her parents, which she is dealing with surprisingly well. But still, I’m not daft enough to think that she hasn’t been affected.

But how can I bring a new child into her life when she hasn’t even met my new boyfriend? How can I explain to her that she’ll have a baby brother or sister but the daddy is not her daddy?

I don’t want to terminate this baby. That will be devastating for me. But I can’t do this to her. Just land a whole new situation on her way which she’ll struggle to comprehend.

Please, any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:
ILoveShula · 27/06/2021 16:59

It's your baby not your daughter's. She might like the idea of a sibling.

gobbynorthernbird · 27/06/2021 17:03

I understand that this must be awful for you, OP, and that your gut feeling is to keep the baby.

However, I would terminate. I'd worry that it was the final straw for DD. I'd also worry about the practical and financial aspects.

MarshmallowAra · 27/06/2021 17:04

Children adjust.

You've longer for a second child.

Your DD will probably/hopefully benefit from having a sibling.

I hope that the father turns out to be decent but even if he doesn't presumably you can cope (?)

66babe · 27/06/2021 17:04

Forget all of that
You know what it is like to be a single parent .. do you want another baby ? That's all that matters
Your new partner may or may not be part of that but you and your DD are a unit , would you like to expand that to another ... that's all that matters
The finances , the practicalities, the morals ... it's all feasible if it's what you want

MarshmallowAra · 27/06/2021 17:05

You've got nine months to introduce a d get your DD used to the idea of a new baby sibling.

Maggiesfarm · 27/06/2021 17:07

@gobbynorthernbird

I understand that this must be awful for you, OP, and that your gut feeling is to keep the baby.

However, I would terminate. I'd worry that it was the final straw for DD. I'd also worry about the practical and financial aspects.

I agree.

Op, you haven't been on your own very long and your relationship with the new guy, nice though he may be, is a new one.

I think having a child now would be very difficult for many reasons.

Please do at least try to learn to enjoy yourself as a single person. It is possible, many achieve it and have a good life.

You have your daughter, let her be enough.

Original poster
Walker111 · 27/06/2021 17:09

But how can I even begin to sort this out? I’ve been dating this man, I like him a lot, I’ve mentioned him causally to family and friends but also said that it’s nothing serious. Now do I just come out and say ‘oh I’m having a baby with him now’……I’m so embarrassed 😞

When my daughters dad finds out he’s going to go ballistic, he may even try and get custody of our DD. He’s incredibly nasty.

I don’t really want to be a single mum to another child, especially not right now when I’ve barely survived my separation. If I had the baby I’d want to try and make it work with the father. But I’m nowhere near ready having him meet my daughter.

And XH would be dead against this. He’d cause all sorts of problems. I’ve basically got 8 months to work a miracle 😞

And I haven’t told my new partner yet (only found out this morning). I have no idea how he’ll react.

I’m in shock and know that this is literally the worst thing that could happen. I’d never put anything before the happiness of my DD, but a little piece of me is already in love with this baby.

OP posts:
CharlotteRose90 · 27/06/2021 17:15

I don’t think you should terminate sorry. This baby has nothing to do with the ex only you, your new fella and dd. Most children want a sibling and while it may upset her that it’s not her daddy’s child it’s still her brother or sister and she will get over it. Plenty of people have half sisters or brothers I have 2. You need to speak to this guy and find out his views and take it from there.

You’ve already said you wanted a second child this is your chance and I think you’d massively regret it if you terminated and don’t get another chance.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 27/06/2021 17:21

OK. So your first reaction has set in, your heart is speaking.

Sleep on it and think it over. When your head has mulled it over you may come to a decision you can live with. What you need to do is be logical. Don't allow yourself to swoon into being a new mum.

[Hard shake : wet kipper to the face : WAKE UP]

And best of luck working your way through this.

Nocutenamesleft · 27/06/2021 17:22

What does your gut tel you?

Regardless of the situation. Do you want another baby?

Original poster
Walker111 · 27/06/2021 17:43

I’d love another baby. My dream would have been to meet the love of my life, my daughter to be settled and also be comfortable with him…and then if a miracle happened another baby…which at already 38 was pushing it, thinking id be early 40’s by then.

But as someone said, I need to think of the reality of this situation. Not get caught up in the idea of what I want it to be.

It’s not an ideal situation. In fact I fail to see how it could be worse.

But the overriding guilt comes from my worry about my DD’s mental health. She’s just gone through the separation of her parents. Moving house. How on Earth can I land this on her now?

I want this baby, I know I do. But neither my feelings or even this baby can come before her.

I’m in absolute turmoil.

OP posts:
Original poster
Walker111 · 27/06/2021 17:47

Financially I’d be fine. I earn well myself, have just bought a house which is more than big enough and the father of the child is also wealthy and I’ve no doubt he’d support the child.

I believe the obstacle (my daughter and how she’d deal with it) is bigger than financial worries.

OP posts:
Umberellatheweatha · 27/06/2021 17:52

OP you might not want to hear this but if your new man was not insisting on condoms whilst you were nit on birth control then- he is not a nice man.

He has essentially shown you exactly who he is early on. So dobt be surprised if he turns out to be nasty just like your ex in the long run.

If it were just a case of birth control failing then things might be different but... this guy...nah. Sorry op but dont have a baby with him.

Any man who thinks sole responsibility of pregnancy lies with the woman (which he dies or he would have wrapped it every time) anddoesnt take any responsibility in preventing it, is not decent. At best he is extremely irresponsible and at worst, a nasty piece of work.

And especially considering women escaping nasty men often attract more of the same if they dont take time to learn from it before dating again...mr nice guy should remain a fling, not a baby daddy.

FoxgloveSummers · 27/06/2021 17:56

Just to say has your daughter ever spoken about wanting a baby brother or sister? I know I always wanted one and would have been happy if my mum had told me she was having a baby (after the initial shock!). I wasn’t an only child but I do think a lot of my friends who are only children have often wished for a sibling especially as they’ve got older and it’s just them and their one parent, it’s a small and quite intense world.

Lifeispassingby · 27/06/2021 17:57

Why not talk to the father and see what response you get? Even if you decided to terminate it is up to you not him. Why don’t you see what he says about things and both of you lay your cards on the table about how this might/could work?

Nocutenamesleft · 27/06/2021 17:58

@Walker111

I’d love another baby. My dream would have been to meet the love of my life, my daughter to be settled and also be comfortable with him…and then if a miracle happened another baby…which at already 38 was pushing it, thinking id be early 40’s by then.

But as someone said, I need to think of the reality of this situation. Not get caught up in the idea of what I want it to be.

It’s not an ideal situation. In fact I fail to see how it could be worse.

But the overriding guilt comes from my worry about my DD’s mental health. She’s just gone through the separation of her parents. Moving house. How on Earth can I land this on her now?

I want this baby, I know I do. But neither my feelings or even this baby can come before her.

I’m in absolute turmoil.

The thing is

If you really want a baby. You’ll find it so hard to get over a termination.

If you don’t. You’ll forever regret the baby

That’s why I asked. You need to really think this through. I’m so sorry x

Nocutenamesleft · 27/06/2021 18:00

@FoxgloveSummers

Just to say has your daughter ever spoken about wanting a baby brother or sister? I know I always wanted one and would have been happy if my mum had told me she was having a baby (after the initial shock!). I wasn’t an only child but I do think a lot of my friends who are only children have often wished for a sibling especially as they’ve got older and it’s just them and their one parent, it’s a small and quite intense world.
Same! I would of LOVED to hear of my mum having another baby. Regardless of my age. Regardless of the situation. I was desperate for a sibling.
JustineTimee · 27/06/2021 18:01

What if you're also catastrophising a bit though, OP? Your DD might be totally happy with it..? You might feel more ready to introduce her to your new partner in 3-4 months time, and they might get on well? Or can you not see this happen at all?
Especially if you have always wanted another baby, I definitely wouldn't terminate. Still it must be such a shock Flowers

DENNYCRANE · 27/06/2021 18:01

I don’t really want to be a single mum to another child, especially not right now when I’ve barely survived my separation.

I think that's your answer.

JustineTimee · 27/06/2021 18:02

I don’t want to terminate this baby.

Whereas I think this is your answer

PumpkinKlNG · 27/06/2021 18:03

I think you need to go into this with the expectation that you will be a single mum, the relationship with this new guy sounds very casual. Maybe I’m wrong and he will stand by you etc but I think prepare for the worst case which usually is that you will end up as a single mum, he might even do a runner like my ex!

category12 · 27/06/2021 18:07

I think you're right to put your dd first. Flowers

AngelDelightUk · 27/06/2021 18:07

It’s nothing to do with your ex. Do not tell him, do not even mention it until you’re divorced.

There’s also no reason to tell your daughter right now. Speak to your DP and see what his reaction is. There’s nothing stopping you introducing him to your DD in 3/4 months, then telling her after that she’s going to have a brother/sister. 9 year olds have no concept of time, it won’t be until she’s older that she may pick up on you didn’t tell her straight away. But by then you’ll be able to explain things to her

QuentinBunbury · 27/06/2021 18:08

DD will adapt. Tbh I think you'd have more problems if you got pregnant in a couple of years as she was hitting her teens/secondary school. I think she will do better than you think.

I think the plan to sleep on it is a good one. There's no immediate rush to decide.

Maybe consider speaking to the man involved? Or have you got friends/family irl to talk to?

HollowTalk · 27/06/2021 18:08

Your new boyfriend is not a teenager who got carried away. He's someone who decided not to wear a condom, knowing what the consequences could be.

He's not a good guy and I wouldn't be having his baby.

There has to be a difference between a termination later on and one that just involves a visit to the local pharmacy. Don't see it as an abortion that you'll never get over. Put yourself and your daughter first.