I’ve massively messed up

[Walker111]

Split with husband a year ago due to his numerous affairs and controlling abuse, moved out of the family home about 4 months ago. Not an amicable split by any means but I’m moving on, sorted childcare arrangements, just bought a new home for me and DD (9) which is currently going through.

Even started seeing a lovely new man when my daughter was with her dad. Just dating now and again and amazing sex, no plans to introduce him to my DD.

Then I messed up. I’m pregnant. I know this is my own careless and stupid fault and I’m so angry and disappointed in myself. His fault too as it was always me insisting on using condoms…and one time, about two weeks ago, we didn’t.

I’m 38, always longed for a second child but my husband didn’t want one (looking back now I see that it wouldn’t fit in well with him having affairs).

But how can I now?

I’m not even divorced, don’t live with the dad, only been seeing him a few months so I can’t even say that I know him well. I don’t know how he’ll react or even if I should tell him if I decide not something I have the baby.

If I’m honest all of the above wouldn’t matter. Because it only harms me and id deal with that in order to have the baby.

But my overwhelming worry is my daughter. Every time I look at her my heart breaks. She just gone through the separation of her parents, which she is dealing with surprisingly well. But still, I’m not daft enough to think that she hasn’t been affected.

But how can I bring a new child into her life when she hasn’t even met my new boyfriend? How can I explain to her that she’ll have a baby brother or sister but the daddy is not her daddy?

I don’t want to terminate this baby. That will be devastating for me. But I can’t do this to her. Just land a whole new situation on her way which she’ll struggle to comprehend.

Please, any advice gratefully received.

This happened to me and I terminated the pregnancy my DD was 4 at the time. I had a 2 year dry spell after cheating ExH first guy I dated and slept with I wasn't careful enough.

I wouldn't have chosen to have a baby with the man so I decided not to continue with pregnancy.

I also thought loads about DD.

There is no right/ wrong decision. It is obviously going to be complicated but I think you could handle it if you want the baby. I do not look back and regret my decision. It was the right one for me. I fear you will regret it. If you can manage alone and manage your ex (communicate with him through an intermediary only) do what you need to do.

Sending love

What if your DD loves having a sibling? What about all the positives it may bring, such as another family member as part of her support system when she is older? Someone else to love and who loves her (and will likely look up to her). And morbid I know, someone to share the burden if you become unwell and to be there when you are gone. There are many possible benefits to a sibling.

The only reason I say manage your ex is so DD isn't a pawn to him if he's a nasty piece of work.

Any decent ex would have to take the high road for the DD sake and it's out of his control although it affects his DD

No reason it can't be positive eventually for your DD but it will affect her life. Life isn't always planned out and resilience and pulling together is a good lesson.

Crikey most single DCs would LOVE to have a sibling!!
This could all be such a lovely new beginning for both of you to focus on.
Stop looking for problems and look at this as a lovely miracle.
Good luck

My only child DD does not want a baby sibling (heard this a few times from Mumsnet!)

She may get step-siblings soon 🤞from my long term relationship. But that wall be a gradual thing and not full time shared parenting.

Only children often get the best of both worlds IMHO

In your situation I would keep it. This might be your last chance to be a mum again. It's not like you are deciding whether to get pregnant, you already are. Sometimes the best things start in the worst situations and sometimes things start off great but end up worse over time. You will need to not rely on this new relationship though and just go into it all with an open mind of who knows what the future may hold, stick to no pressure.

Your daughter may actually love having a sibling. So many children are completely besotted with their new baby siblings.

As for your ex. Don't let him control your life or decisions anymore through fear. He may not like it at first but he will get used to the idea. It may even end up making him be more inclined to leave you alone as he might see it like the absolute ending between you and him no going back.

Only read OP.

You can't have a termination because you think your dd will struggle with a new baby. That is too much to lay on her as even if you don't tell her, as I assume you wouldn't, you will know she's the reason you told yourself.

If you want the baby, have her/him.

Talk to the father once you are over the shock but don't wait too long.

Don't take any notice if anything your ex says if it is negative. You don't even have to tell him.

Take some folic acid.

@HollowTalk

Your new boyfriend is not a teenager who got carried away. He's someone who decided not to wear a condom, knowing what the consequences could be.

He's not a good guy and I wouldn't be having his baby.

There has to be a difference between a termination later on and one that just involves a visit to the local pharmacy. Don't see it as an abortion that you'll never get over. Put yourself and your daughter first.

THIS

Your head is right on this one, listen to it.

It's 2021, we women have a choice (as our foremothers wished for), make the right one for your DD

I was an only child and would have unwaveringly hated having a sibling at any age, I'm not sure it's necessarily helpful to reassure OP that her daughter will automatically and easily love another baby, especially in the middle of other huge life changes they have both been going through. I'm sorry to hear of your situation though OP as it must be an almost impossibly difficult choice.

But also OP, I'd be wondering how your reaction to a termination would affect your DD. If you'd struggle, wouldn't DD pick up on that? I would imagine that knowing that a parent is unhappy would be difficult.

See how you feel when you wake up tomorrow - your first reaction when you wake and remember will be instructive.

Well done for going for it and getting through the other side of a divorce . Something I’m chickening out of right now but fear is coming my way.
Please don’t underestimate how much you already love and want this baby. I think if you terminate you will have a huge regret which will eat away at you - especially if you don’t get to have a chance at motherhood again. Maybe your daughter would like the idea as others say. But I’d keep it under wraps from the ex husband. You sound like a strong lady and I think you’d cope fine. You just have to decide , be positive and not waver . Do you still have the support of your parents ?

Just be careful OP. You could potentially end up with 2 difficult exes here, don’t underestimate the impact the situation might have on your DD.
You don’t really know the man you’re seeing.

If you keep the baby you will have to
introduce him to your DD pretty soon. How do you feel about that? There will be pressure on them both to ‘get along’ rather than it happening naturally.

I wouldn’t be carrying on with the pregnancy. I’d rather wait until my DD had settled into her new life before I even thought about another child.

I fell pregnant early in a new relationship, like you I was starting afresh, difficult ex and a DD settling into her new home. My reaction was I had to have this baby, I could go it alone if need be, it was pure emotion as I would love another baby.

My head told me the ex would make my life hell, he would use it against me with DD. I did not know what kind of father this man would be, a few weeks earlier had he asked to have a baby I would have said no. I was imagining the fantasy rather than reality. I had a termination and I cried.

But it was the right decision, I am still with the same DP, I have not forgotten the date of termination or when he would have been born. Yet I have no regrets, though I did mourn our loss.

I mean this gently OP- it sounds to me
like you’re projecting onto your daughter, because it’s easier to deal with that, (you can tell yourself you’re terminating “for her”) than simply accepting this is the wrong time for a new baby- financially, practically, socially- , and you need to terminate. Maybe your subconscious thinks this sounds better, or finds it easier to square off or rationalise?
I think you’re doing it unconsciously, but I also think it is what you’re doing.

I can absolutely 100000% understand why you would - but please don’t make this decision about her, to assuage your guilt. You run the risk of internalising the narrative, and over time, you may find that memory (an unreliable, fickle fucker) makes this “I terminated a wanted second baby to secure your mental health after me and your dad split up” - and that could breed resentment. Again unconsciously- I don’t think any of this would be a conscious train of thought.

I just think it’s a dangerous thing to do, to make your daughter the centre of this decision.

Perhaps some counselling would be a good idea?

If your only issue is your daughter then don't worry about it. It will cause her no more upheaval than is normal for a sibling.

I would not be continuing this pregnancy. Not a chance given your circumstances.

This pregnancy has nothing to do with your ex

For all you know, he could be creating a baby himself with someone

Take time for yourself

Sometimes when we have a choice to make we think there is a right and wrong decision and we have to figure out which is right.

I don't think it is true.

Both roads ahead of you will have their challenges for you to deal with, but they both have their positives too. Once you make the decision, you fully commit to that path and you make the best of it. You will be focused on the challenges and joys of that path (and future branches of it) and you will never know what the other path would have brought (challenges or joys) which is true of every decision minor or major in your life so you don't need to spend your life in regrets - you simply do not know if it would have been better/worse at any particular instant. It's a waste of imagination to spend your life torturing yourself over alternative presents you have made up.

The choice isn't between traumatising yourself or your daughter. Don't frame the decision like that as a bad thing. If you continue the pregnancy and she is upset and confused by her new sibling then you'll support her through those feelings. (But you don't have to assume she will be or that there won't be positives) If you go through with the abortion and struggle with the loss then you will be kind to yourself about taking a tough decision in a complex situation and you will give yourself other opportunities to TTC in future (perhaps with a donor if you are worried about finding the right relationship in time).

There are no guarantees - you might not conceive again - but that's true if you could decide to continue the pregnancy and sadly lose it.

Whatever you decide, be gentle with yourself, it is a tough decision and make a commitment to make the best of it and not spend long looking in the rear view mirror - it makes it harder to drive the road ahead.

Does your new man have kids too OP and if so how old?

Just thinking ahead to the notion of what else this would mean for your daughter in terms of siblings.

It is a big decision you are about to make, so you are right to think very carefully about your next steps.

Ignore the people telling you to terminate of you want the baby have the baby, your daughter will adapt.

I think its important to tell the new babies dad as well though.

Dammed if you don't, dammed if you do. If you do have baby it may mess DD up, if you don't have baby you could resent your daughter.

None of anyone else's business so focus on stuff like the future - how you will feel at 58 when it's turning 20 and your DD is 29? Etc etc might help

My situation was different as i was / still are with their father but my 9 / 11 year olds were overjoyed at the birth of their baby sibling , also my parents had our sibling when me and my brother were 10 / 12 we were the same ,very happy .
My point is although you may have obstacles your daughter probably won't think about any where near the amount of complications you are visualising.
She is more likely to fall in love with the baby as much as you will .

Don't worry about what other people think. My feeling is that your DD will be over the moon and not turn out to be even on your list of worries. It's complicated sure. But life is. Whatever you decide, I think you will have the strength to make it ok.

Maybe you should just try to find out from your dd how she would feel if another baby came along. Just present it as a theoretical query. Don't tell her what's happened but at least you could get some idea of how she'd react.