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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I’ve massively messed up

232 replies

Walker111 · 27/06/2021 16:50

Split with husband a year ago due to his numerous affairs and controlling abuse, moved out of the family home about 4 months ago. Not an amicable split by any means but I’m moving on, sorted childcare arrangements, just bought a new home for me and DD (9) which is currently going through.

Even started seeing a lovely new man when my daughter was with her dad. Just dating now and again and amazing sex, no plans to introduce him to my DD.

Then I messed up. I’m pregnant. I know this is my own careless and stupid fault and I’m so angry and disappointed in myself. His fault too as it was always me insisting on using condoms…and one time, about two weeks ago, we didn’t.

I’m 38, always longed for a second child but my husband didn’t want one (looking back now I see that it wouldn’t fit in well with him having affairs).

But how can I now?

I’m not even divorced, don’t live with the dad, only been seeing him a few months so I can’t even say that I know him well. I don’t know how he’ll react or even if I should tell him if I decide not something I have the baby.

If I’m honest all of the above wouldn’t matter. Because it only harms me and id deal with that in order to have the baby.

But my overwhelming worry is my daughter. Every time I look at her my heart breaks. She just gone through the separation of her parents, which she is dealing with surprisingly well. But still, I’m not daft enough to think that she hasn’t been affected.

But how can I bring a new child into her life when she hasn’t even met my new boyfriend? How can I explain to her that she’ll have a baby brother or sister but the daddy is not her daddy?

I don’t want to terminate this baby. That will be devastating for me. But I can’t do this to her. Just land a whole new situation on her way which she’ll struggle to comprehend.

Please, any advice gratefully received.

OP posts:
category12 · 30/06/2021 13:31

It's not just concern that the dd will be "upset". It's about lots of big life changes for her dd in a very short time and some people just brushing it off with "kids are resilient". They shouldn't have to be, if we can help it.

It's also about her mum coming out of an abusive relationship recently and the potential fast-forwarding of a new relationship. Too much too soon is a classic red flag and it's an unfortunate fact that it's common for someone who has just come out of an abusive relationship to end up falling into further abusive relationships.

Obviously if op wants the baby, she should have it, but it doesn't come without its problems and it's not realistic to just say ah your dd will be fine.

Bibidy · 30/06/2021 13:44

@category12

It's not just concern that the dd will be "upset". It's about lots of big life changes for her dd in a very short time and some people just brushing it off with "kids are resilient". They shouldn't have to be, if we can help it.

It's also about her mum coming out of an abusive relationship recently and the potential fast-forwarding of a new relationship. Too much too soon is a classic red flag and it's an unfortunate fact that it's common for someone who has just come out of an abusive relationship to end up falling into further abusive relationships.

Obviously if op wants the baby, she should have it, but it doesn't come without its problems and it's not realistic to just say ah your dd will be fine.

I do agree that it's some big changes and as I said, if OP had come on here beforehand and posted that she was thinking of having a baby with this new man I'd have 100% said it would be a bad idea.

But I also think that the pregnancy is here now and OP clearly doesn't want to have a termination, and there are ways to make this work for both her and her DD, as long as she is sensitive and takes things slowly with the DP. Not to say her DD won't potentially struggle but if her mum supports her through it she can be OK.

I also agree that OP shouldn't be moving forward super quickly with the new DP and it would be a mistake to move in and marry just purely due to this pregnancy.

PerveenMistry · 01/07/2021 01:11

@category12

It's not just concern that the dd will be "upset". It's about lots of big life changes for her dd in a very short time and some people just brushing it off with "kids are resilient". They shouldn't have to be, if we can help it.

It's also about her mum coming out of an abusive relationship recently and the potential fast-forwarding of a new relationship. Too much too soon is a classic red flag and it's an unfortunate fact that it's common for someone who has just come out of an abusive relationship to end up falling into further abusive relationships.

Obviously if op wants the baby, she should have it, but it doesn't come without its problems and it's not realistic to just say ah your dd will be fine.

Agree. So tired of the platitudes.

If kids are so resilient, why are there so many fucked up adults coming out of their parents' crappy relationship choices and priorities??

Original poster
Walker111 · 01/07/2021 18:43

Thank you for all the messages and advice, it was good to have different perspectives.

So, I’ve decided that I’m keeping the baby. I’ve weighed everything up and I think ultimately I’ll regret having a termination.

If a baby is brought into mine and DD’s life I don’t think it will have a huge negative impact. I have a really supportive family who all live in the same village, I have a house big enough, I’m financially stable, yes it’s yet another change for my DD but ultimately I think a sibling will be something she’d like- she’s young enough to just be glad that a baby is in the house…without really questioning where it has come from. And finally, I want the baby, terminating the pregnancy will have a lasting impact on me. I can’t do that on the assumption that my DD will be unhappy, as she may not be. And what I can do is do everything in my power to make sure this is a positive change for her.

As for my new relationship, most definitely that is going to be taken slowly. He seems amazing, he’s supportive and I really like him. But as people have said, I don’t know him enough yet. I hope things work out for us, but equally can I see myself as a single mum if I need to be? Yes, I’m emotionally strong, always have been, and everything else is already in place.

Again, thank you to everyone who gave me such helpful advice.

OP posts:
QuentinBunbury · 01/07/2021 18:44

Congratulations op Flowers

usernameXYZ · 01/07/2021 18:47

So happy for you OP! Hope it all works out for you and you have an amazing pregnancy and enjoy the girly days baby shopping with DD ❤️

Jellybabiesforbreakfast · 01/07/2021 18:51

Congratulations and good luck!

TodClarty · 01/07/2021 18:51

Congratulations! Flowers

Modestandatinybitsexy · 01/07/2021 19:19

Congratulations OP! Wishing you, your dd and dp all the best with the new little one!

66babe · 01/07/2021 20:05

Congratulations 🎉 good for you for taking time to think , considering your emotions your finances and your DD ... how exciting

SomethingOnce · 01/07/2021 20:48

This is one thread I’d really love an update on in a few months time Smile

May everything go amazingly for you all Flowers

peboh · 01/07/2021 21:13

Congratulations and good luck with it all op! Daffodil

goneroguetoday · 01/07/2021 21:19

I think you need to talk to the boyfriend. His opinion may help to sway you. Of course it is still your choice, but be as informed as possible. You may wish to move in together, you may wish to co parent as friends, he may wish to terminate, you may keep the baby and have nothing to do with him. Lots to explore

ZombiePara · 01/07/2021 21:24

@goneroguetoday RTFT - OP has already updated to say she has discussed it with the boyfriend..

Jesskir89 · 01/07/2021 22:08

Lovely update congratulations op and good luck Flowers

QueenBee52 · 02/07/2021 00:39

Fantastic happy news thread.. 🥳

Congratulations to you @Walker111 🌸💕

JustineTimee · 02/07/2021 03:02

This is so, so lovely to read! What a great update. All the best OP Smile

Sakurami · 02/07/2021 10:33

Congratulations 😃

userrnamemn · 02/07/2021 11:33

Congratulations! This is what I was hoping you’d decide. Please update us down the track. You’ve got lots of support here Smile

Original poster
Walker111 · 02/07/2021 12:34

Just read these last messages on a break at work….oh my I’m nearly in tears. It’s the first time I’ve had a proper ‘congratulations’ (as it’s not public in my real life yet).

Thank you so much everyone. I will absolutely update in a few months time xx

OP posts:
OliveToboogie · 02/07/2021 13:02

Congratulations. I think your making the right decision. If you are not 100% sure then I think an abortion would have been wrong for you. X

herewegoagain202106 · 02/07/2021 13:27

Congratulations 🎉 I think you have done the right thing. I Wish you well as you go forward. Please update us with how it's going 🎊🎉🥳

Bibidy · 02/07/2021 13:47

Congratulations OP, I think you have 100% made the right choice :) Bet your DD will be chuffed to be a big sister x

AngelDelightUk · 02/07/2021 17:23

Congratulations @Walker111 some things are just meant to be.

I seriously wish you all the best with your new DP and looking forward to hearing updates!

Mynextname · 03/07/2021 19:40

Congratulations!!!

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