I’ve massively messed up

[Walker111]

Split with husband a year ago due to his numerous affairs and controlling abuse, moved out of the family home about 4 months ago. Not an amicable split by any means but I’m moving on, sorted childcare arrangements, just bought a new home for me and DD (9) which is currently going through.

Even started seeing a lovely new man when my daughter was with her dad. Just dating now and again and amazing sex, no plans to introduce him to my DD.

Then I messed up. I’m pregnant. I know this is my own careless and stupid fault and I’m so angry and disappointed in myself. His fault too as it was always me insisting on using condoms…and one time, about two weeks ago, we didn’t.

I’m 38, always longed for a second child but my husband didn’t want one (looking back now I see that it wouldn’t fit in well with him having affairs).

But how can I now?

I’m not even divorced, don’t live with the dad, only been seeing him a few months so I can’t even say that I know him well. I don’t know how he’ll react or even if I should tell him if I decide not something I have the baby.

If I’m honest all of the above wouldn’t matter. Because it only harms me and id deal with that in order to have the baby.

But my overwhelming worry is my daughter. Every time I look at her my heart breaks. She just gone through the separation of her parents, which she is dealing with surprisingly well. But still, I’m not daft enough to think that she hasn’t been affected.

But how can I bring a new child into her life when she hasn’t even met my new boyfriend? How can I explain to her that she’ll have a baby brother or sister but the daddy is not her daddy?

I don’t want to terminate this baby. That will be devastating for me. But I can’t do this to her. Just land a whole new situation on her way which she’ll struggle to comprehend.

Please, any advice gratefully received.

I think you should speak to the guy to see what he thinks tbh, you don’t know what his reaction will be and he might tell you to have an abortion, not saying his opinion on that is what you should do but at least you will know what he’s feelings are on it.

Also no not all kids want siblings.

Hi op. Speak to your boyfriend. Discuss this with him. Your dd will be fine..she has a loving mum. Plus she will be very different in another year or 2. As they end their primary school and start secondary school they tend to become very independent, only interested in hanging out with their friends.

So do what is right for you firstly. If you want this baby, have this baby.

You are pregnant from not using a condom two weeks ago but isn't it too early at that stage to get a positive result?
If you wasn’t on birth control and he didn’t use a condom then you did plan this baby.

@Walker111
First of all, don't panic. You say you always wanted another child, maybe not in these circumstances, but life is like that. You also say you are embarrassed to tell family, friends etc you're pregnant, if they are good people they won't judge you for the circumstances, you are human and you are not the first person this has happened to. Could you make a list of the pros and cons, and in the cold light of day, look at the list again? I know things won't be easy, in particular regarding your ex, but if you decide to keep your baby, you don't have to tell him straight away.Sending hugs

I'm as pro choice as they come, but I would strongly consider keeping it in this situation.

Absolutely don't worry about what friends and family might think. You are 38 with a kid in a relationship, people are aware you have had sex, and that sometimes accidents happen. Your situation would hardly be worth mentioning, let alone gossiping about, even in the most traditional town.

But that's not to say that it's the right choice for you, I can see why you are worried. Good luck with whatever you decide.

I think if your ex is going to be very difficult over the coming months, you need to think very carefully about whether you can get your ongoing relationship with him on a better footing with the additional
Dynamic of new man’s baby thrown into the mix. For the sake of the daughter you already have, you need your relationship with your ex to be as good as it can be in the circumstances, even though he is horrible, because otherwise your daughter will surely suffer. The last thing you need while heavily pregnant is a custody battle, with the possibility of him saying ‘mummy doesn’t love you anymore, she has a new baby’. Even though it is clearly not true, if it was a constant drip drip of negativity, she might well be influenced.

People really need to stop spouting bollocks about how every child wants a sibling and how if the OP wants a baby the DD will fall in love with it.

My DS absolutely never wanted a sibling. When he was younger i.e. toddler/early years he would probably have adapted but when his dad had a baby with his new partner after just 18 months he had barely had enough time to get used to the split plus new partner and step sibling being introduced into the mix and suddenly they were having a baby together. Said sibling is now 6, and DS has hardly any relationship with him. He sees him in passing occasionally, but says he doesn’t even consider him to be a sibling.

And you only have to look at the relationships boards to see how many adults have no relationship or very strained ones with their siblings.

Yes children do need to adapt to a certain extent, but we spend far too much time putting all the pressure on the children to adapt while we as adults merrily go ahead and do as we please because it’s what we want.

Fact is that when we have children it can no longer be just about what we want.

Only the OP can decide what to do, and personally I would advise her to get some counselling from BPAS or whoever it is offers this kind of service rather than listening to conflicted opinions on the internet. We can all only advise from our personal feelings, which actually helps no-one.

From my personal perspective I think that being pregnant now and having a baby is an awful idea. You’re with someone you barely know, he’s no more likely to want a baby than you are, and while people talk about maintenance etc, the fact that less than 50% of fathers pay maintenance despite the existence of CMS means that you may never see him or a penny of his money again. So you will be bringing up one child who has gone through a divorce, and another, much younger child who has no father at all, and you’ll be doing it all single-handed.

But if you feel that’s what you want then only you can decide that. But don’t go into it blind. Your DD may hate the idea, and she may hate you as a result, and if her dad manages to influence her she may decide that she wants to live with him.

Having a baby isn’t all hearts and roses. It’s hard work even if you have a partner, take a partner and add a reluctant DD and a spiteful ex into the mix and you could find yourself very alone.

@Walker111 I wouldn’t read any of these responses, some are dreadful. Work through what you want and what works best for you and your daughter. Do you have a supportive family?

You let this new partner have sex without a condom because
A) that's what he wanted and
B) because you really wanted a baby.
I think both are examples of you not being able to put yourself and your daughter first, and you aren't able to do that because you haven't fully processed coming out of an abusive relationship. I don't have any advice, except to focus on looking after yourself and your daughter and not be dependent on the new man for anything. I suspect he's not a good guy and that you are not going to be ok in a relationship with him.

Op, I can't tell you what you do. Because there's no right decisions here. I think if you go ahead, prefer to do it alone, because you really have no clue, what the father will be react like, what sort of father he will make etc. If you plan to go it alone but he does step up, great. But at least you have a plan on if he doesn't

I wanted to address this type of comment.

Just to add, don’t consider your ex in this scenario at all. It’s none of his business and he’d have no reasonable grounds to try to get “custody” of your daughter.

No, it's not grounds to get main custody of the child. But I don't think people really get how nasty some of these people are.

He isn't going to march into court demanding the child because op got pregnant. But if dd reacts badly at first, or when the baby is born, if he is a truly nasty person, he will slowly convince her that her mummy doesn't love her as much as the baby. Make her feel like the centre of the world when she is with him.

He will use this to manipulate a small child into wanting to be with him and her withdrawing from her mum. And before you know it the dd is asking to live with her dad.

Unfortunately, when you are married to a certain type of ex, you have to consider them in every situation. It doesn't matter what you are doing, you have to try and pre plan everything and guess their reaction. Because they will often use the kids to hurt us.

I have no idea, what the ops ex reaction will be. But to suggest, it's not a reason he can use for custody, shows a lack of understanding about this sort of man.

Its so much more insidious than that. They don't care about the damage done to their child, they care about winning. And they aren't above emotional abuse and manipulation of their children.

It is a very real concern and a very real risk, for people who have been married to these men.

For me it's too soon, your daughter will be fine because she has you. But you don't know where this relationship is going, I wouldn't want to terminate either, I know this is no help, have you told the boyfriend. I just don't think it's the right time for you, you have been through a lot too.

Aw , tough one . Keeping the baby, or not, because of how someone else would feel, even the most precious person in your life, might cause resentment one day. Especially when your lovely DD becomes a stroppy 13 year old and says hurtful things to you . Worse is thinking what you might say back to her about the baby who may or may not have been born. Worth imagining 5 years from now, then 10 years etc. Good luck with decision x

My parents split up when I was 9... I'm an only child & I was traumatised. My life was flipped upside down, chewed up & spat out.
That's without moving from the famly home.
IMHO it's selfish of you to have another child at this point. Your daughter will be needing you more than ever & you're considering a baby - which will result in you not giving her the support & stability she will need. Invariably your attention will be focused on pregnancy & a new baby.. you don't know what damage that will do to your daughter if she's needing support from the whole break up.
Personally I think it's selfish to go ahead with it.
I'd have been heartbroken if my mum got pregnant when she & my dad split up, as a kid the weirdest shit goes through your little head when your parents split up - even thinking you're to blame don't do it to her.
You could potentially just make her feel more insecure & alone, why risk it?
Tbh I'm just gutted for your kid.

So neither of you used contraception and now you are pregnant. To be honest you know very little about this man. How old is he? Does he have children?

When your DD 15 your baby will be 6. That age gap isn’t fun. My teens are great fun now. We can go out for meals, travel, theatre etc. Would be very different if we had a 6 year old.

You could be expecting twins.

It all sounds very hard work and lonely. You do no not if the new man will stay. He also might clear off

@gobbynorthernbird

I understand that this must be awful for you, OP, and that your gut feeling is to keep the baby.

However, I would terminate. I'd worry that it was the final straw for DD. I'd also worry about the practical and financial aspects.

I agree.

Nature gave us the ability to terminate for a reason. The circumstances aren't right. In fact they are horrible.

It's really unfair to your DD to proceed with a pregnancy now. Focus on what's best for her, not on what your "wants" are.

OP your overriding worry seems to be how everyone else will react, and you assume it will be bad from everyone. Whilst you shouldn't dismiss these concerns completely, the bottom line is the practicalities. You want this baby and you can cope on your own financially.

Your ex will be difficult but it sounds like he always was and doesn't need prompting.
Your DD is 9. Thats a pretty good age in terms of understanding and adjusting, and before the teenage hormones kick in
Your boyfriend... you have no idea how he'll react. He made the choice not to wear a condom too and knew how you felt about it. Unfortunately the short term benefit for him in not wearing one has led to long term consequences, and he needs to be an adult and deal with that.
Your family and friends - why are you embarrassed? Are they often judgemental? You don't need to go into details, lie if you want to. Say you were using condoms and it must have broken? No contraception is 100% failsafe.

Don't worry about any of that stuff. If you had a termination of a baby that was wanted (albeit not in these circumstances) you may mourn the loss at 38 harder than you would in another situation and that could be detrimental to your DD.

You can't control how other people react, and ultimately you will be the one dealing with it all. Even if your boyfriend is happy and sticks around, its you that will carry the bulk of the physical and mental load of this.

I get the impression that if you read this you will be left with the feeling of 'i can handle this baby, I want this baby', and if that is your gut feeling then you should go ahead with the pregnancy.

@Whybot

Aw , tough one . Keeping the baby, or not, because of how someone else would feel, even the most precious person in your life, might cause resentment one day. Especially when your lovely DD becomes a stroppy 13 year old and says hurtful things to you . Worse is thinking what you might say back to her about the baby who may or may not have been born. Worth imagining 5 years from now, then 10 years etc. Good luck with decision x

It's not a baby.

It's a very early pregnancy in a casual relationship. Unintended and potentially very detrimental to the existing child.

Personally I would terminate. It’s too soon for all this for dd and you’ve only just begun to settle into your new life.

So sorry this has happened OP. If it were me, I would terminate.

The main reason would be the upheaval but also, if this relationship remains casual - you could potentially be sharing custody of this baby with, effectively, a stranger. How would that feel? You’ll be juggling double the childcare costs and your poor DD has been through a lot. I fear if your ex is that horrendous, theres a long long road ahead of you already. I would not enter a newborn into that mix.

Why not wait a year until certain stressors have changed?

I am incredibly pro choice, but the choice goes both ways. You have to make the decision based on how you feel about it, and your ability to cope with another baby, not your daughter’s reaction (she’ll adapt) or consequences from your ex.

People really need to stop spouting bollocks about how every child wants a sibling and how if the OP wants a baby the DD will fall in love with it.

Sadly this. The only experience I have of this in my wider circle, the DD10 completely rejected the new family and point blank refused to go for over a year. And the parent she "rejected" was the main carer.

I suspect there was a lot of ideas put into her head by the parent she ended up with... but that's what some parents do, isn't it? Is there any guarantee OP's ex isn't going to be whispering in the child's ear the moment he finds out?

They do see the "rejected" parent now, but only at the gran's house without the new partner and baby there and only on the DDs terms.

It's incredibly sad and none of us can understand the parent's choice to jump straight into a "happy family" situation when the existing DD was clearly not happy.

But equally, the daughter could be overjoyed at the prospect of a new sibling. You just don't know.

Which is why, regardless of all that, I think this is the most important part:

I don’t really want to be a single mum to another child

You might not want to, but if you knew for a fact you'd be raising this baby alone, what would you do?

Because I think you need to assume that will be the case. Plan for the worst and all that...

Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I would terminate.

You don't know this man well, you have no idea how difficult he could make your life in the next 18 years that you would be tied to him.

Yes, miracles happen, and it could work out well, but I would not risk my already wobbly DD's mental health. Sorry OP, it's a tough one, but that's my outlook.

I do hope you can talk this through calmly with a trusted person. I'm also wondering why you didn't get the morning after pill or emergency coil fitted knowing you had unprotected sex mid cycle? Perhaps unpicking this will help you decide what to do.

@Walker111

Financially I’d be fine. I earn well myself, have just bought a house which is more than big enough and the father of the child is also wealthy and I’ve no doubt he’d support the child.

I believe the obstacle (my daughter and how she’d deal with it) is bigger than financial worries.

How have you bought a house when you are still married ?

How have you bought a house when you are still married ?

Why wouldn't you be able to?