I’ve massively messed up

[Walker111]

Split with husband a year ago due to his numerous affairs and controlling abuse, moved out of the family home about 4 months ago. Not an amicable split by any means but I’m moving on, sorted childcare arrangements, just bought a new home for me and DD (9) which is currently going through.

Even started seeing a lovely new man when my daughter was with her dad. Just dating now and again and amazing sex, no plans to introduce him to my DD.

Then I messed up. I’m pregnant. I know this is my own careless and stupid fault and I’m so angry and disappointed in myself. His fault too as it was always me insisting on using condoms…and one time, about two weeks ago, we didn’t.

I’m 38, always longed for a second child but my husband didn’t want one (looking back now I see that it wouldn’t fit in well with him having affairs).

But how can I now?

I’m not even divorced, don’t live with the dad, only been seeing him a few months so I can’t even say that I know him well. I don’t know how he’ll react or even if I should tell him if I decide not something I have the baby.

If I’m honest all of the above wouldn’t matter. Because it only harms me and id deal with that in order to have the baby.

But my overwhelming worry is my daughter. Every time I look at her my heart breaks. She just gone through the separation of her parents, which she is dealing with surprisingly well. But still, I’m not daft enough to think that she hasn’t been affected.

But how can I bring a new child into her life when she hasn’t even met my new boyfriend? How can I explain to her that she’ll have a baby brother or sister but the daddy is not her daddy?

I don’t want to terminate this baby. That will be devastating for me. But I can’t do this to her. Just land a whole new situation on her way which she’ll struggle to comprehend.

Please, any advice gratefully received.

I have a 9 year old who would be overjoyed if l told her l was pregnant....kids adapt easily and she is young enough to accept this and old enough to be involved

Being blunt - this isnt a good time for you to bring another child into your circumstances. The good news is that you got pregnant fairly easily at 38, so once things settle - divorce finalised, DD at new school (?) , more time with DP - then perhaps you can try properly after discussing it with him.

I am a single parent to one child. He used to ask at about age 7-10 for a sibling - I simply explained that was not possible. The emotional blackmail on this thread about how DD will love a sibling etc is just rubbish. The age gap alone (10 years plus) will mean each of them is effectively an only child. Yes I was broody for a while, but now they are older I wouldnt inflict that on my child. Embrace the teenage years - they are glorious.

I don’t really want to be a single mum to another child, especially not right now when I’ve barely survived my separation. If I had the baby I’d want to try and make it work with the father. But I’m nowhere near ready having him meet my daughter.

In the nicest way I think it is quite unlikely that this man will want a child with someone who he’s not been with for very long. So you need to think that you will be a single parent and if you can cope with that.
It is amazing you are putting your DD first and it shows what a great mum you are but I think you need to figure out if you can be a single parent and cope alone before you think about what is best for her.
I have been a single parent since my DD was born and honestly I love her so much but it is very difficult. You will have two to try and juggle with work, you won’t have a relationship for years, you won’t be able to socialise etc. If you think you can cope with all of it then go ahead and your DD will probably love a sibling.

I have a 9 year old who would be overjoyed if l told her l was pregnant....kids adapt easily and she is young enough to accept this and old enough to be involved

Yes, but would she be overjoyed in the long run, with the demands of a baby sibling, divided attention and the limits having a little sibling brings to family life? All very well to like the idea of it, the reality is quite different. Sometimes a sibling relationship works well, sometimes it doesn't and there's no way of predicting it really. Sometimes a big age gap means the children have nothing in common and never become close.

@HollowTalk

Your new boyfriend is not a teenager who got carried away. He's someone who decided not to wear a condom, knowing what the consequences could be.

He's not a good guy and I wouldn't be having his baby.

There has to be a difference between a termination later on and one that just involves a visit to the local pharmacy. Don't see it as an abortion that you'll never get over. Put yourself and your daughter first.

Hang on, how does getting carried away and not wearing a condom make him “not a good guy”? OP also got carried away and didn’t use a condom. Irresponsible, yes, but that’s on them both.

OP, you can get counselling on this issue from a lot of family planning clinics. It’s a big decision and you need to weigh it up carefully.

Just to add, don’t consider your ex in this scenario at all. It’s none of his business and he’d have no reasonable grounds to try to get “custody” of your daughter.

Did this man you're dating possibly want to get you pregnant?

Pro-choice here. Also have a big age-gap between DC1 and DC2 and sibling rivalry between DC2 and DC3.
Still feel some guilt that DC1 felt bereft after birth of siblings as was used to being an only child (despite wanting a sibling before) but although I am pro-choice for others, I personally could not have aborted.
DC1 adapted as did I. I don't regret the decisions I have made, I do regret the circumstances in which they were made. Bringing up children on your own and in your 40s also no picnic.
All that aside, you did want a second child and I would hate you to regret decisions made on behalf of others - it has to be for you. It is early days in any case although I know the clock is ticking in all senses.
Wishing you well, whatever you decide.

I’ve been dating this man, I like him a lot, I’ve mentioned him causally to family and friends but also said that it’s nothing serious. Now do I just come out and say ‘oh I’m having a baby with him now’……I’m so embarrassed 😞

I got pregnant very early on with my now DH. I told him first and we decided to keep it. Then we introduced each other to friends and family. Then later down the line before I was really showing we told friends and family about my pregnancy. We’d then been together 6 months by that point. No one said anything negative or made me feel any shame. You’re a 38 year old adult. If you make a decision, your friends and family will trust it’s for the right decision and stand by you. If they don’t, they’re not worth your time. There’s absolutely nothing to be embarrassed about.

OP there are so many mixed opinions on here but you obviously want to keep your baby so keep it. Your daughter, even if not keen to start with, will come round and age-gap siblings can be the best kind, as similar-age-based-squabbles are avoided! And they can form a lovely bond.
You having another baby will not be grounds for your x to win custody of your daughter. It’s not a crime, blended families are the norm, whether this includes the father or not.
Congratulations x

If you want the baby keep the baby. If people aren't happy about it , tough, it is really none of their business.

Your daughter isn't guaranteed to be over the moon. A baby is a blessing for sure buy its also a huge hindrance with an age gap like that. Holidays would be different, a trip to a theme park is out if you can't join in due to looking after a little one. Could you facilitate your daughters social life if you can't leave the house because of a toddler?

If I were you I'd have the baby. If I was in your shoes I'd def have it. Who knows if you'd even get pregnant again?
I'd tell your new partner and if it doesn't work out it doesn't matter. Your daughter would adjust. She has 9 months to adjust.
You're right to consider her of course but it's your choice, your body, your baby

Agree with those who have said your new guy dosen't sound too nice if he leaves the contraceptives up to you. Not an easy call but this ties you for life to a guy you barely know when you're already reeling from leaving an abusive marriage.

I would definitely keep the baby as l think you'd regret it in the long run. You don't know how easy it might be to get pregnant again. I am sure that it'll work out and your daughter will enjoy having a sibling l am sure! X

Sounds like you've made your decision.

Time to stop focusing on the things you can't control e.g. People's reactions and judgements and start focusing on the things you can control e.g. How you can help your daughter adjust, how to navigate the relationship with your new partner. There's no magical fix so use the tools available to you to plan ahead where possible.

If you're a believer in the whole "everything happens for a reason" cliché, then take some comfort from that.

Hi OP. You sound v sensible but you’ve not had a lot of time to think about this so will be in shock. I know the timing isn’t great for you but like others have said do not even consider what your ex will think. It’s none of his business.

Can I ask about your new man. What’s his situation? Does he have kids? Ever mentioned them?

I think you should talk to him about this. And ignore the comments about him being a nasty man for not being keen on using condoms. That’s ridiculous. Most men I have known have preferred to not use a condom and it’s been me that’s insisted. Also it takes two to tango and you both decided not to on this occasion and didn’t get emergency contraceptive the next day either.

I’d have a chat with your new man. This may help you make your decision. Good Luck x

OP don’t know if you’re still reading but I just wanted to say that maybe your dd is more resilient than you’d know / think.

Lots of us here had rough childhoods - I’m not diminishing her experience or trying to say it’s no big deal but parents separating and moving house is a drop in the ocean to what many endured and come out perfectly fine, well rounded individuals.

Unless there is another back story where she has shown worrying behaviours or signs then perhaps she would be absolutely fine about it.
We had an explosion of babies in our blended families over a few years, really quite a weird time but my DP kids are totally fine with it all - similar ages to yours when it all happened. They went from having only one sibling each to having 3 siblings each with 3 years. Both mum and dad side.

Ultimately it is your body and your choice, you don’t have to decide anything this minute. Can you access some counselling if you reach out to pregnancy choice charities?

I'd probably ditch all the men and have the baby.

You might struggle to get over an abortion but your dad might struggle if you don't. This is a really complex situation I think you need to organise rapid possible termination counseling pronto, and find it what the attitude of guy involved is as it might be a factor in the decision.

Dd not dad

OP iv never been in your circumstances BUT iv had 3 DC and each one was planned and wanted and yet every time I found out my gut response was "this is going to turn the DC world upside down" I think its normal. Families come in all shapes and sizes. If you want your baby have your baby. Your daughter will be fine.

For some reason people always seem to think only children want a sibling, it simply isn't the case in many situations. OPs child has gone through her mother and father separating, switching between houses, now mummy has a new boyfriend and she's expecting a baby. You honestly expect a child to be so happy about that? I think that will be one confused child. Children go through a difficult time when their parents divorce, especially if it isn't amicable as they pick up on things.
OP your daughter needs to be put first in this situation. You may well potentially become a single mum of two, only you know how he and your child will react.

I'd have a termination without even thinking about it. Good luck with whatever you decide OP.

If your happy your daughter will be .. a nine year old will love a baby .. your ex is history this is about you , your daughter and baby .. if you think you could cope being a single mum to two ... do it !,