I’ve massively messed up

[Walker111]

Split with husband a year ago due to his numerous affairs and controlling abuse, moved out of the family home about 4 months ago. Not an amicable split by any means but I’m moving on, sorted childcare arrangements, just bought a new home for me and DD (9) which is currently going through.

Even started seeing a lovely new man when my daughter was with her dad. Just dating now and again and amazing sex, no plans to introduce him to my DD.

Then I messed up. I’m pregnant. I know this is my own careless and stupid fault and I’m so angry and disappointed in myself. His fault too as it was always me insisting on using condoms…and one time, about two weeks ago, we didn’t.

I’m 38, always longed for a second child but my husband didn’t want one (looking back now I see that it wouldn’t fit in well with him having affairs).

But how can I now?

I’m not even divorced, don’t live with the dad, only been seeing him a few months so I can’t even say that I know him well. I don’t know how he’ll react or even if I should tell him if I decide not something I have the baby.

If I’m honest all of the above wouldn’t matter. Because it only harms me and id deal with that in order to have the baby.

But my overwhelming worry is my daughter. Every time I look at her my heart breaks. She just gone through the separation of her parents, which she is dealing with surprisingly well. But still, I’m not daft enough to think that she hasn’t been affected.

But how can I bring a new child into her life when she hasn’t even met my new boyfriend? How can I explain to her that she’ll have a baby brother or sister but the daddy is not her daddy?

I don’t want to terminate this baby. That will be devastating for me. But I can’t do this to her. Just land a whole new situation on her way which she’ll struggle to comprehend.

Please, any advice gratefully received.

In your shoes, I'd ask three questions -

• Do you want another baby?
• Can you afford it (without significantly reducing your DD's standard of living)?
• Can you handle being a single mother to two children?

If the answer to all of these questions is yes, then I'd seriously consider having the baby.

The truth is that there is no perfect solution, including for your DD. On the one hand, termination might be best for her in the short-term as you can concentrate your resources (including emotional) on her. On the other hand, many children are happy to have a sibling and go on to have very positive life-long relationships that enrich their lives. As adults, having a sibling might give your DD someone to lean on and support. It might be difficult emotionally later on for her if she ever finds out that actually you were pregnant and she could have had a sibling. The flipside of this is that close sibling relationships cannot be guaranteed.

One thing I wouldn't do in your shoes is go too fast with your relationship with the baby's father. Accept that, if you decide to have the baby, you're going to have to parent as a single mum to start with (but hopefully with his help and support) and that moving in together is a while in the future. Don't force your DD to deal with too many changes at once.

Perhaps I'm one of those wanting to highlight the harsh realities.

Maybe it will balance out your hopes and dreams and I really wish the best for you.

One of the posters who said your abusive ex is not going to go away you just need to learn to manage it, is right.

Your divorce is not yet done. children's matters. Financial matters.

It can be stressful. with abusive ex more so.

In the first instance I can't see the need to tell ex about new partner or pregnancy.

Take it slow. Very slow. I would not think about moving house until divorce is done.

This is the reassurance I would give to your DD. That you are there for her regardless, and will not be going away anytime soon and she is old enough for you to say, it would be nice if it worked out with new partner but it is early days yet and I am taking it slow.

I would not even introduce new partner yet. Can't see why you should. Would you have done that without the pregnancy? It's too early after eveyrthing DD has experienced. Keep your boundaries.

If you prepare yourself for having the baby without your new partner, if he turns out to be brilliant in nine months time and your divorce is behind you, then fine.

Don't be swept away.

Plus point. You have money. New partner has money. So fifty per cent of worries are gone immediately. Believe me. I'm still fighting for my divorce settlement eight odd years after it happened.

And abusive ex still does whatever he can to put the boot in to any plans I make.

So build your boundaries. Makes sure though they are not a prison. You deserve another shot at happiness. That's for sure.

Slow down. Don't move ANYWHERE YET. Don't be swept away by teh hormones. And don't get married (yet) you've only known this person a couple of months. Yes, DD needs to come first.

I spoke to the baby’s father last night. He was incredibly supportive, and said he would support me either way, but that his choice would be for us to have the baby. He wants us to buy a house together, get married, be a family. Before the baby is born.

Sorry but this would be a massive negative for me. It shows he's totally unrealistic and would move things at way too fast a pace with no consideration for your daughter who has been through a difficult time already and is not emotionally equipped to deal with so many changes so quickly.

He sounds absolutely batshit.

I would go ahead.
Obviously it’s not picture perfect ideal situation, but you have the finance, the baby is wanted by you, the father and your daughter would have a sibling, which is just such a gift in my opinion!!
Children are adaptable! Her mother having a baby is not going to damage her mental health. Also - as her mother you have so much sway over how she takes this and how she reacts! Make sure she’s involved, included, excited. And then carry on as normal, basically. I wouldn’t terminate a wanted baby due to the remote chance of my 11 year old developing ‘mental health problems’ as a result of a perfectly normal life event!!
I do understand btw - telling my similarly aged child I was expecting was the biggest fear I’ve ever had. She immediately started a list of names and is planning to sort it baby clothes for me this eve. 🙂

He genuinely is a good guy and I know they either with or without him as my partner, he will be supportive in bringing a baby up.

You don't know that though OP because you don't know him well enough to know that.

His suggestion of buying a house together and getting married before the baby is born shows absolutely zero consideration for your daughter which to be frank should be a red flag to you. Especially important you realise this as you've been in an abusive relationship before and your DD has already had one one unhealthy male figure in her little life.

Do you think his suggestion is a positive and shows he would be a sensible and considerate step father?!

I think given your update I would go ahead too. Obviously you can't change the situation but he couldn't have given a more positive answer about the baby.
Only thing is, I don't think I'd want to be moving in with him before baby is born. You run the risk of jumping straight into another bad situation. Take your time before you move in,/combine assets etc

It’s so hard. At this point, to make a decision on whether, in the future not now, there is any chance of you all becoming a happy family you’d need to have seen your daughter with him and his daughter few times and had an idea how they got on. Deciding now, as things stand, is like pinning the tail on the donkey blindfolded.

He sounds like he’s massively rushing. Isn’t he worried about his own daughter and how she’ll react?

Your daughter might have always wanted a sibling, but she’ll be ten and on the verge of becoming a teen when this baby arrives. Their needs will be at very different stages. She’s more likely to do the sibling experience with his daughter if they get on.

It all sounds very iffy - there’s a small chance it could work out and be lovely, but a large chance it could end up a big mess.

Oh, and dont forget, the instant you are living with someone else, or married to them, your financial circumstances change, maintenance for existing DD changes if you get it and your new partner automatically becomes embroiled in those, so it is stress for the new relationship too potentially.

As long as you are a single person living in your own household you have complete control over your finances, keep it simple is my advice.

And then when divorce wrapped up you can take the next step (if you want to)

I wouldn’t move in with him that’s completely bonkers, for what it’s worth I got pregnant early on and I mean very early with a guy I was seeing, but different situation because I was not divorced and I had no children. I decided to keep the baby and he told me to move in with him but I refused as I barely knew the guy there was no way I was moving in with someone I barely knew so I don’t think it’s right for you to do that when you have a child to consider, he also turned out to be violent and a complete psychopath because everyone’s lovely when you first meet them!

Definitely don't move in together until your divorce is finalised and your DD has had time to get to know your new partner... and that's probably months at least, maybe years. If you do have the baby, your DD will feel much more secure if the baby's father pops round occasionally to take the baby out or spend an hour or so with the baby then if she has to share her home with a strange adult.

Another factor to take into account is that this may be your only chance to have a second child/for your DD to have a sibling.

It’s a lot and not the ideal but everything happens for a reason, you wanted another baby, your daughter wants a sibling. This might be your only chance and I can’t imagine in a couple years you’ll look back and regret it.

Hi @Walker111 just looking at your latest update, I think you should keep this baby. You've said you've always longed for another child and that your DD has asked for a sibling. It sounds as if your biggest worry is her mental health. However, you have time on your side for her to get used to the idea of more change - 8 months (or thereabouts is a long time to a 9 year old.

I would be very cautious, though, when it comes to rushing into settliing down with your new man, however lovely he might seem. That's the big thing she might struggle with. Great that he's supportive but if he really cared, he'd be respectful of the fact that you need to keep your daughter front and centre in your decisions.

For now, this is your and your daughter's baby. Tell her gently, after 12 weeks, that the two of you will be welcoming a little baby. She's young enough (just) not to worry to much about who the dad is. You will be three. Take time to include her in the nesting.

Then, in time, you could consider how the dad will fit into your lives.

@LollyPops111

OP - You didn’t use condoms two weeks ago, for a positive you need to wait at least 3 weeks from conception, to get a positive result. How did you get the result so soon?

@LollyPops111 you're wrong. And unhelpful.

I’d have the baby. The upset and regret you’ll feel about terminating this pregnancy will stay with you for life, because you want this baby.

As long as DD is the focus of your decisions and you can afford/cope being a (worst case scenario) single mum of two kids, I say go for it.

I don’t want to terminate this baby. That will be devastating for me.

It’s not so certain that this possible new chapter in your lives will be a bad thing for your DD, that causing yourself devastation is clearly the better option.

And also, I think you owe it to yourself not to let your XH’s reaction feature in your decision. Really. He can fuck off with his reaction.

OP it sounds like what you want is for it to work with this guy but you really don't know him well enough. If you're going to keep this baby you need to do it on the basis that you'll be a lone parent

This guy sounds really really off. You’ve just gotten out of an abusive marriage and have taken on with someone who is love bombing you. I’m so worried for you OP. I would terminate, tell him you miscarried, and spend MUCH more time on yourself and therapy and slowly seeing what this man is like. Do NOT move him in or get married or commit to someone who is brand new. What he’s proposing is really nuts in the circumstances and he’s waving a red flag made up of lots of red flags. If you have condoms at home please check them with water - I have a feeling there’s a chance some have holes in them.

@Ladylokidoki

How have you bought a house when you are still married ?

Why wouldn't you be able to?

It would be considered marital property and your "to be ex " can claim against it .

@hullaballoo19 - Erm no I’m not, the nurse at the hospital told me I have to wait at least three weeks from conception for a positive test and even then it can take longer to show. OP said he didn’t use a condom 2 weeks ago.

You want this baby. You're already in love with this baby. You can afford the baby. You have a house big enough for the baby. Why on earth do you think your daughter wouldn't be delighted once she got used to the idea? Everyone else doesn't matter.

Different situation, but my best friend when I was 9 was also an only child, her mum was a single mother and she never knew her dad. Her mum had a new baby when we were 9/10, she got a stepfather, and she absolutely loved it. V different in lots of ways, but I think having a sibling would be great for your daughter, and not necessarily the massive upheaval you automatically think.

What could be a 'rupture' is her losing the feeing you're her protective parent, whose kept her safe from the negative side of your relationship with her dad or tried to .That its no longer her and you against the world. I think if you can keep it as you and her and the baby against the world, you'll do ok.

I would try not to say anything to your ex, and I would try and see if it is at all possible to get divorce done in next 9 months. Get settled into your new home with your dd. Be clear to her that it will be you and her and the baby, when you tell her, and be clear on that to the father. Continue to date him, agree with him that there's no way you'll move in together until x amount of time has passed. If you are still together, and comfortable with him, I'd consider introducing them in another six months so she has time to get to know him as realistically, he will be visiting the house when the baby is there.

There are ways to do this that minimise harm to her. Only you know your DD. But if you are able to continue to put her first, I think you can both find a way through this.

[quote LollyPops111]@hullaballoo19 - Erm no I’m not, the nurse at the hospital told me I have to wait at least three weeks from conception for a positive test and even then it can take longer to show. OP said he didn’t use a condom 2 weeks ago.[/quote]
That's not strictly true @LollyPops111- I tested positive 11 days after ovulation. If they had unprotected sex the day she ovulated, its entirely possible to get a test in that timeframe. On a 'typical' 28 day cycle women ovulate day 14, then are due a period day 28 (two weeks) so everyone who tests a couple of days after a missed period is doing it before 3 weeks are up. but the conception boards are full of people getting positives at 10, 11, 12 days post ovulation.

@Walker111

Thank you for all of the replies. Gosh- that’s really mixed!

So, I spoke to the baby’s father last night. He was incredibly supportive, and said he would support me either way, but that his choice would be for us to have the baby. He wants us to buy a house together, get married, be a family. Before the baby is born.

My head is spinning.

To answer a few questions- he’s 38 too, he has an 11 year old daughter who he coparents really well. He genuinely is a good guy and I know they either with or without him as my partner, he will be supportive in bringing a baby up.

I also have a great family. Yes I’m embarrassed about my situation but they wouldn’t judge. I always have their support.

My daughter has asked for a sibling, she has for years.

On to the negative. I’m still worried how this might affect her mental health. As people have suggested- separated parents, moving homes, then I bring a new boyfriend in…then a new baby.

Every time I think of my DD I feel like crying as I can’t bear the thought of making her feel like her life has changed too much.

And I’m really scared of my ex- he was mentally abusive and controlling throughout our marriage. I walked on eggshells round him and I don’t seem to have been able to shake that feeling.

I’m going to book a consultation with BPAS whilst I think about things- that way I won’t be waiting if I decide to have the termination.

So, I spoke to the baby’s father last night. He was incredibly supportive, and said he would support me either way, but that his choice would be for us to have the baby. He wants us to buy a house together, get married, be a family. Before the baby is born

with a husband who is

And I’m really scared of my ex- he was mentally abusive and controlling throughout our marriage. I walked on eggshells round him and I don’t seem to have been able to shake that feeling
this isn't going to happen . He will likely stall at every point and you need to think about what he will claim if you buy .

@floppybit

You want this baby. You're already in love with this baby. You can afford the baby. You have a house big enough for the baby. Why on earth do you think your daughter wouldn't be delighted once she got used to the idea? Everyone else doesn't matter.

But OP is only a year out of an abusive relationship (a huge life change for her DD) and is now pregnant with a man who she's known for only a few months and who thinks it's appropriate to suggest him moving in and getting married to her in the next few months before the baby arrives. Love bombing and potential to be abusive at worst, incredibly immature, unrealistic and not thinkings about OP's DD at best.

There are massive red flags here and the potential risks to DD's happiness and health shouldn't be dismissed or minimised due to the potential of it not hugely impacting her in an negative way.

Poor little thing has been through so much already.

Him suggesting all of that when he found out OP is pregnant is chilling.

People keep talking about ops daughter with 'she will be fine' or 'it's a normal life event' etc seem to be forgetting.

Up until 4 months ago this 9 year old lived in a house with an abuser. Even if she adored her dad and didn't know what was happening she still would have been aware.

She has now, moved home and her family has a very new routine and she is still adjusting to not seeing parents in the same house. This happened 16 weeks ago.

You can't compare it to a situation where the OP would have been single for ages and got pregnant to a new man. Or where the divorce was far behind them.

Neither op or her child have got through and dealt with the separation never mind divorce. No one is saying people with kids can never have more kids without damaging their kids, but this is a very complex situation where op getting pregnant quickly is the only worry.

And now this new man, who wants to upend her life again. Within the next 9 months. Also happens to be the sort of man that doesn't mind risking pregnancy with someone he has been dating a few weeks.

There's huge red flags here and while it could work out as a story of happily ever after. The new man, who is an unknown, has these huge red flags and op could end up with a miserable dd and tied two men via kids, that she really doesn't want to be tied to. At the minimum he has failed to recognise what a huge impact this will be on ops dd, in his plan.