I’ve massively messed up

[Walker111]

Split with husband a year ago due to his numerous affairs and controlling abuse, moved out of the family home about 4 months ago. Not an amicable split by any means but I’m moving on, sorted childcare arrangements, just bought a new home for me and DD (9) which is currently going through.

Even started seeing a lovely new man when my daughter was with her dad. Just dating now and again and amazing sex, no plans to introduce him to my DD.

Then I messed up. I’m pregnant. I know this is my own careless and stupid fault and I’m so angry and disappointed in myself. His fault too as it was always me insisting on using condoms…and one time, about two weeks ago, we didn’t.

I’m 38, always longed for a second child but my husband didn’t want one (looking back now I see that it wouldn’t fit in well with him having affairs).

But how can I now?

I’m not even divorced, don’t live with the dad, only been seeing him a few months so I can’t even say that I know him well. I don’t know how he’ll react or even if I should tell him if I decide not something I have the baby.

If I’m honest all of the above wouldn’t matter. Because it only harms me and id deal with that in order to have the baby.

But my overwhelming worry is my daughter. Every time I look at her my heart breaks. She just gone through the separation of her parents, which she is dealing with surprisingly well. But still, I’m not daft enough to think that she hasn’t been affected.

But how can I bring a new child into her life when she hasn’t even met my new boyfriend? How can I explain to her that she’ll have a baby brother or sister but the daddy is not her daddy?

I don’t want to terminate this baby. That will be devastating for me. But I can’t do this to her. Just land a whole new situation on her way which she’ll struggle to comprehend.

Please, any advice gratefully received.

OP it sounds like you want the baby. I couldn't deal with the regret if I actually wanted the baby.

It's fine to raise it as a single mother if you're happy with that. No shame in it at all.

Your daughter would get used to it, you've got a good couple of months to tell her anyway.

In the fullness of time I suspect you would regret having a termination.

It's no-one else's business, don't worry about your friends and family, they would come round.

Was there part of you that wanted to fall pregnant and so didn't take the morning after pill? As a PP said, understanding why you didn't do that might help you unpack what you really want.

That isn't me having a go at you, it just seems an out of character lack of responsibility from what sounds like a very switched on and sensible woman.

I actually fell pregnant within 6 months of splitting with my ex h. It was fine. Not with the dad but still have my lovely DD.

You've just said you don't want to get rid of the baby so their is your answer.
God gives us things in many different ways when it's least expected but you'll be very supprised !
The baby could be something fun for her to a sibling to share things with and do things with (probably do their make up when she's experimenting haha) , helping mummy pick the baby's pram, getting the baby clothes and baby shopping to help you and helping out in general! Be exiting for you both to have a new addition to the family after a shit time x

The only people I dread finding about about my termination are my DCs. It was absolutely the right thing to do, but I’m sure they would be hurt to think I terminated their half-sibling when they were still small.

I felt the complete opposite to you, the only positive I could have found in the situation was their potential relationship.

You want the baby and you’re financially secure enough to have the baby on your own. You sound concerned about your daughter enough to do everything in your power to make sure she is ok through this. I think you should have the baby.

M ex H had a baby with his partner. My now 16 year old (he was 10 when baby was born and his father and I separated 3 years before and it was very painful because it was an affair). He said to me the other day he doesn’t like little children. This is because instead of doing things with his dad he has spent EOW playing with a baby.

You are in such a difficult position I am so sorry. I believe that you can do this. I have always regretted my termination, so I would say if you have any doubt don't do it.

As an only child I would have loved a sibling.

Thank you for all of the replies. Gosh- that’s really mixed!

So, I spoke to the baby’s father last night. He was incredibly supportive, and said he would support me either way, but that his choice would be for us to have the baby. He wants us to buy a house together, get married, be a family. Before the baby is born.

My head is spinning.

To answer a few questions- he’s 38 too, he has an 11 year old daughter who he coparents really well. He genuinely is a good guy and I know they either with or without him as my partner, he will be supportive in bringing a baby up.

I also have a great family. Yes I’m embarrassed about my situation but they wouldn’t judge. I always have their support.

My daughter has asked for a sibling, she has for years.

On to the negative. I’m still worried how this might affect her mental health. As people have suggested- separated parents, moving homes, then I bring a new boyfriend in…then a new baby.

Every time I think of my DD I feel like crying as I can’t bear the thought of making her feel like her life has changed too much.

And I’m really scared of my ex- he was mentally abusive and controlling throughout our marriage. I walked on eggshells round him and I don’t seem to have been able to shake that feeling.

I’m going to book a consultation with BPAS whilst I think about things- that way I won’t be waiting if I decide to have the termination.

So, I spoke to the baby’s father last night. He was incredibly supportive, and said he would support me either way, but that his choice would be for us to have the baby. He wants us to buy a house together, get married, be a family. Before the baby is born.

You do know you can't really do that, don't you.

You are unlikely to be divorced. Moving your dd, again, marrying someone else all in under 18 months.

This suggests this man isn't thinking this out at all.

And I’m really scared of my ex- he was mentally abusive and controlling throughout our marriage. I walked on eggshells round him and I don’t seem to have been able to shake that feeling.

I get that. Unfortunately, unless he decides to have nothing to do with your child, that won't go away quickly.

Because you will always be connected through your dd. Its shit, you just have to learn how to manage it.

Completely different query but will the house you've just bought be seen as a marital asset as you are still married? Might this cause problems during a divorce especially as your STBXH is a bit nasty?

Congratulations on your pregnancy -That's good news that your new DP is being supportive.

You need to think long and hard about this decision. There’s no going back either way once it’s made. I think your emotions are running high , you say you found out a couple of hours ago but you are already a bit in love with the baby. Making a decision that will affect the lives of you and the people you love, needs a level head not one overwhelmed with emotions.
You will need to discuss this with someone you trust. Don’t be embarrassed, shit happens you just need to find your way forward. You will also need to gauge how much emotional support you will receive going forward from your friends and family . This isn’t something you should have to cope with on your own

OP, it sounds like the potential impact to your own MH and happiness if you terminate this pregnancy might be far worse than what you're worrying might be the case for your daughter.

It may be she totally surprises you and is happy at the thought of a new little sibling - if she's always been asking then this honestly could very well be the case. And your ex can't take her from you because you are moving on with your life.

Obviously it's not ideal timing at all with the split being so recent, but these things happen, and by the time the baby comes I doubt it will feel recent at all, especially to your daughter. At 9, a few months is a lifetime ago.

I think in your shoes I'd focus on casually introducing your new partner to your DD (and his daughter too I guess), you don't need to tell her about the pregnancy for a while yet so you could have a good few months of letting them get to know each other before telling her.

OP - You didn’t use condoms two weeks ago, for a positive you need to wait at least 3 weeks from conception, to get a positive result. How did you get the result so soon?

Sounds like a great outcome op.

And if your daughter has always wanted a sibling then it sounds great. I have quite a lot of friends on second marriages and with a fairly big age gap between the kids from their first marriage to them and they have all loved their baby sibling - like a real life toy! But they have been very loved by all so no jealousy.

@Walker111

But how can I even begin to sort this out? I’ve been dating this man, I like him a lot, I’ve mentioned him causally to family and friends but also said that it’s nothing serious. Now do I just come out and say ‘oh I’m having a baby with him now’……I’m so embarrassed 😞

When my daughters dad finds out he’s going to go ballistic, he may even try and get custody of our DD. He’s incredibly nasty.

I don’t really want to be a single mum to another child, especially not right now when I’ve barely survived my separation. If I had the baby I’d want to try and make it work with the father. But I’m nowhere near ready having him meet my daughter.

And XH would be dead against this. He’d cause all sorts of problems. I’ve basically got 8 months to work a miracle 😞

And I haven’t told my new partner yet (only found out this morning). I have no idea how he’ll react.

I’m in shock and know that this is literally the worst thing that could happen. I’d never put anything before the happiness of my DD, but a little piece of me is already in love with this baby.

It’s your body and your choice and only you know whether you could cope with a termination but in your shoes that’s what I would do

Children are more resilient than we give them credit for. This could be a real positive for her. You are looking at it through an adults perspective. It’s very different through a child’s eyes, yes it’s a lot of change, but honestly I would be considering this as an opportunity for her life to be enriched.

@CrunchyKnot

Children are more resilient than we give them credit for. This could be a real positive for her. You are looking at it through an adults perspective. It’s very different through a child’s eyes, yes it’s a lot of change, but honestly I would be considering this as an opportunity for her life to be enriched.

No they are not. They just don’t have any choice but to be resilient.

I really hate the 'children are resilient'.

They are people. Some are, plenty aren't. Especially, when it's their whole life that's changing.

Some are just really good at pretending all is OK, because they know what the adults want to hear.

Ops child, has grown up in an abusive household. So already a stressful environment.

Divorce is hard on adults. For kids, everything is changing and they have no say in it. Their whole world is changing.

And here we have woman, no one split from an abusive marriage, a man comes along who is amazing and wants to marry her and provide her the perfect life, who didn't use protection who seems to have thought on how this will impact ops dd.

Women, when they leave abusive relationships, generally tend to be very vulnerable to other abusers who love bomb them. Give them what they are missing then turn into dicks.

The new boyfriend might be amazing. There's also a good chance he isn't what op thinks he is.

I haven't read the whole thread but OP, judging by your posts I think you will find terminating almost impossible. I had a termination, I didn't want a baby, cried from the moment I found out (I already had 2 DDs) I booked the appointment, on the way had a huge panic attack and came home - then cried some more as I realised I couldn't bare the thought of being pregnant, I felt suicidal. I rebooked and went through with it, but instantly wanted my 'baby' as soon as it was over. Of course now I know it was for the best and I don't even think about it, what's done is done and I know it was the right decision.

However, I knew 100% I didn't want another baby and found it to be one of the hardest experiences of my life (at that time - I've since survived teenage daughters so the termination pales into insignificance compared to that 🙈) if you're wavering at all I think you'll find it really difficult to cope with.

It's not an ideal situation but it is what it is, there's no need to feel embarrassed, you're not the first, nor the last - and whilst your daughter's feelings are important, yours are too. She might actually like having a baby sibling (my youngest half brother was born when I was in my early teens and I adored him -he's in his 30s now!)

@Ladylokidoki

I really hate the 'children are resilient'.

They are people. Some are, plenty aren't. Especially, when it's their whole life that's changing.

Some are just really good at pretending all is OK, because they know what the adults want to hear.

Ops child, has grown up in an abusive household. So already a stressful environment.

Divorce is hard on adults. For kids, everything is changing and they have no say in it. Their whole world is changing.

And here we have woman, no one split from an abusive marriage, a man comes along who is amazing and wants to marry her and provide her the perfect life, who didn't use protection who seems to have thought on how this will impact ops dd.

Women, when they leave abusive relationships, generally tend to be very vulnerable to other abusers who love bomb them. Give them what they are missing then turn into dicks.

The new boyfriend might be amazing. There's also a good chance he isn't what op thinks he is.

Yes this is true The new man might be amazing but it’s too soon to tell and he has suggested marriage etc because you are pg rather than because it’s the next natural step As above unfortunately women coming out of an abusive relationship are very vulnerable to more abuse in a relationship. New man could be “the one” and it will all be great but you could be tying yourself to another dickhead for life if not.

Taking the emotions out of it, you do not know this new man well enough to be rushing into a baby. marriage and a new home. Your DD may have wanted a sibling but in the current circumstances I would be prioritising recovering from an abusive marriage and getting settled into a new home. Then spend some time getting to know this man your dating a bit better