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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Embarrassed to go outside with DP

372 replies

Embarrassedandfedup · 27/06/2021 13:24

I've been with DP for 5 years and we have a 8 week old DC. I've become too embarrassed to go outside with him. He is so rude and confrontational to people for no reason when we are out and makes a big drama out of things and it's embarrassing and I just want the ground to swallow me up when I'm there but now we have our DC and I'm worried about them seeing this behaviour. Some examples:

We went out for breakfast on my birthday, the waitress offered us a seat at a long shared table full of children and parents and I asked if we could have a more private area so I could feed DC, she said that was fine but id need to move the pram to the side. As soon as we sat down DP went on a big rant about how it's obvious she hates children, hates the fact the pram is in her way and then said aggressively "if she says anything I'll be speaking to her manager" and everytime she walked past he would glare at her then shouted "thanks for nothing" when we left later on.

Yesterday in a cafe, a mum and daughter walk infront of me as I'm pushing the pram, they obviously didn't see me and I stop so I don't hit them. DP then snaps "you could say thank you" to them, the daughter looked really uncomfortable when we ended up at the table next to them. Similar things happen if someone walks in front of us or doesn't say thank you when we let them past (usually not on purpose, they've just not noticed) he'll start getting all sarcastic or shout down the street after them, even if they are with their children. He regularly snaps "what are you looking at?" or "Can I help you?" Because he says someone gave him a "dirty look" in the street. He then says it must be because he's overweight and they hate fat people
There's always some farfetched scenario about why that person must hate him.

A group of young girls walked past us the other day and he shouted " what are you looking at you fat ugly gremlins" because he claims they looked me up and down. It's absolutely humiliating and when I ask what the hell he is playing at he says I need to stand up for myself and I'm not assertive enough and acts as if I'm the crazy one for not screaming at people in the street. I keep asking him to please not do this infront of me and DC. He even shouted at someone in the hospital corridor that their shoes were too loud!

We are going out for lunch today with my Dad who he's only met twice and I'm so worried he's going to behave like this infront of him.

Sorry for the long rant I'm just not sure what to do

OP posts:
Embarrassedandfedup · 27/06/2021 13:25

I'm also expecting that one day he will do this to the wrong person and will get smacked!

OP posts:
User5827372728 · 27/06/2021 13:26

How does he treat you and baby?

BumBurnerBum · 27/06/2021 13:26

He sounds really odd.

Is there something going on with him? It really sounds like he has anger issues.

Is he aggressive like this with you?

VanCleefArpels · 27/06/2021 13:27

And his redeeming features are…..

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/06/2021 13:27

Firm up plans to leave this individual and ASAP. Get therapy for yourself going forward to recover from being with such a man. It’s not your fault he is like this towards others (and likely you as well behind closed doors) but you’re being dragged down with him by association.

princesslarmadrama · 27/06/2021 13:27

I know exactly how you feel except it's my dad. I hate going out with him and whenever he comes to my house passes comments on the neighbours. I totally lost it with him and now he is a little better. I always pull him up on it if around my kids. I don't know how my mum puts up with it tbh.

Backhills · 27/06/2021 13:28

Has he always been like this? Is he well? Why has your Dad only met the father of your baby twice?

Toilenstripes · 27/06/2021 13:28

Obviously his behaviour is about his lack self-esteem. Has he always been this aggressive? He could benefit from a talk with his gp, but first you have to sit him down and tell him that you can’t live like this and shouldn’t have to.

YippeeKiYay155 · 27/06/2021 13:29

OP. Does he speak like this to men as well or is it just women?

UhtredRagnarson · 27/06/2021 13:29

Was this a sudden change of character?

MrMeSeeks · 27/06/2021 13:32

Why are you with him?? I could put up. With this or have this around the kids! You’re right he could get hurt, or worse he could get you hurt!

MrMeSeeks · 27/06/2021 13:32

Couldn’t put up*

Embarrassedandfedup · 27/06/2021 13:34

@User5827372728

How does he treat you and baby?
He has never shouted at me. He gets really irritated by her crying, will groan or sigh or snap "for fuck sake" if she's headbutting but when I say she's not doing it on purpose she's just a hungry baby he will tell me to shut up and he knows that. If she cries in the morning when he's still asleep he will just get out of bed and walk out the bedroom.

He is OK with me, might snap at me to move if I'm in his way sometimes or tell me to stop talking or be quiet but thats about it

I tend to just stay

OP posts:
Cazzovuoi · 27/06/2021 13:34

I’ve been verbally abused by men like your husband, on the street, for some perceived wrong I apparently committed. Mainly it’s just for being a woman as far as I can tell.

He sounds awful and I can’t imagine how mortifying and humiliating it is for you. I never normally say LTB but in this case I am saying it.

Imagine being able to go where you like and see whomever you like without the dread and fear of embarrassment. You don’t want your DC to think this is normal, acceptable behaviour.

FlowerArranger · 27/06/2021 13:34

I expect he has not turned out to be like this overnight, so why did you not only stay but choose to have a child with him?

I'm not sure what you are expecting from this thread. He is who he is. He will not change. Best to cut your losses now and leave.

TerribleCustomerCervix · 27/06/2021 13:34

How does he speak to other men?

Honestly OP, he sounds unhinged.

Ivymundane · 27/06/2021 13:34

That is such a strange way to be. It’s not what I would consider normal. Is he completely aware his doing it?

Embarrassedandfedup · 27/06/2021 13:35

@BumBurnerBum

He sounds really odd.

Is there something going on with him? It really sounds like he has anger issues.

Is he aggressive like this with you?

He has suffered with depression and anxiety for about 10 years and I believe he has anger issues too.
OP posts:
Cazzovuoi · 27/06/2021 13:36

I wish I read your reply before I posted.

He is OK with me, might snap at me to move if I'm in his way sometimes or tell me to stop talking or be quiet but thats about it

Sweetheart he’s NOT ok with you. He’s clearly worn you down so much that you think this treatment is ok. I am repeating LTB because you deserve so much better.

Ivymundane · 27/06/2021 13:36

Can’t be that anxious if his comfortable yelling at people in the street.

Embarrassedandfedup · 27/06/2021 13:36

@AttilaTheMeerkat

Firm up plans to leave this individual and ASAP. Get therapy for yourself going forward to recover from being with such a man. It’s not your fault he is like this towards others (and likely you as well behind closed doors) but you’re being dragged down with him by association.
Thank you for your reply, I appreciate it
OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 27/06/2021 13:37

He gets really irritated by her crying, will groan or sigh or snap "for fuck sake" if she's headbutting but when I say she's not doing it on purpose she's just a hungry baby he will tell me to shut up and he knows that. If she cries in the morning when he's still asleep he will just get out of bed and walk out the bedroom.
He is OK with me, might snap at me to move if I'm in his way sometimes or tell me to stop talking or be quiet but thats about it

OMG this just gets worse you have to leave and invest in some therapy to boost your self esteem.

CagneyNYPD · 27/06/2021 13:37

Yes, how does he speak to male waiters, barmen, men in the street?

Cazzovuoi · 27/06/2021 13:37

@FlowerArranger

I expect he has not turned out to be like this overnight, so why did you not only stay but choose to have a child with him?

I'm not sure what you are expecting from this thread. He is who he is. He will not change. Best to cut your losses now and leave.

Fuck off with the blaming ffs. I hate this response, it’s a cheap and lazy shot at a clearly vulnerable woman.

What happened to women looking out for each other?! Stop victim blaming.

nimbuscloud · 27/06/2021 13:38

Please say you’re not financially dependent on him.

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