Embarrassed to go outside with DP

[Embarrassedandfedup]

I've been with DP for 5 years and we have a 8 week old DC. I've become too embarrassed to go outside with him. He is so rude and confrontational to people for no reason when we are out and makes a big drama out of things and it's embarrassing and I just want the ground to swallow me up when I'm there but now we have our DC and I'm worried about them seeing this behaviour. Some examples:

We went out for breakfast on my birthday, the waitress offered us a seat at a long shared table full of children and parents and I asked if we could have a more private area so I could feed DC, she said that was fine but id need to move the pram to the side. As soon as we sat down DP went on a big rant about how it's obvious she hates children, hates the fact the pram is in her way and then said aggressively "if she says anything I'll be speaking to her manager" and everytime she walked past he would glare at her then shouted "thanks for nothing" when we left later on.

Yesterday in a cafe, a mum and daughter walk infront of me as I'm pushing the pram, they obviously didn't see me and I stop so I don't hit them. DP then snaps "you could say thank you" to them, the daughter looked really uncomfortable when we ended up at the table next to them. Similar things happen if someone walks in front of us or doesn't say thank you when we let them past (usually not on purpose, they've just not noticed) he'll start getting all sarcastic or shout down the street after them, even if they are with their children. He regularly snaps "what are you looking at?" or "Can I help you?" Because he says someone gave him a "dirty look" in the street. He then says it must be because he's overweight and they hate fat people
There's always some farfetched scenario about why that person must hate him.

A group of young girls walked past us the other day and he shouted " what are you looking at you fat ugly gremlins" because he claims they looked me up and down. It's absolutely humiliating and when I ask what the hell he is playing at he says I need to stand up for myself and I'm not assertive enough and acts as if I'm the crazy one for not screaming at people in the street. I keep asking him to please not do this infront of me and DC. He even shouted at someone in the hospital corridor that their shoes were too loud!

We are going out for lunch today with my Dad who he's only met twice and I'm so worried he's going to behave like this infront of him.

Sorry for the long rant I'm just not sure what to do

He has previously been on medication for depression and anxiety, stopped it last year and bas been in counselling for the past 8 months but has just quit it as he says it's pointless and the counsellor is useless.

He stopped this last year because he is really not depressed and anxious. That medication was never going to work because he is at heart abusive; he is angry because he is abusive and not because he is angry.

I would think the counsellor attempted to work with him but counselling was never going to work here because he was never engaged with it. This whole idea of, "its always someone else's fault other than their own" is too deeply ingrained within him and his pysche.

This is really who he is OP and you have to pull your big girl pants here and start properly thinking about how the hell you arrived at this point in your life. You will need therapy going forward in order to recover from his abuses of you; he is certainly further crapping all over your already weakened boundaries.

You really need to leave this guy before he ruins your baby's childhood.

It's not normal for him to just leave the room or swear at a baby when she cries - a normal dad would try to comfort her and share her care with you.

He is also treating you very poorly with snapping at you and telling you to shut etc.

You need to get your child out of this environment.

It's not funny at all

I think he's always been a nasty cunt.

Only now you have a baby, he thinks you're trap so he doesnt need to bother his arse to keep up the facade.

OP is your husband shorter than the average man by any chance?

He is awful OP. Given the way he spoke to the teen girls I presume you understand he is either ok with other people calling his own daughter a "fat ugly gremlin" or will he cut to the chase and do it himself?

He's lovely apart from when he's saying ffs to/about an infant, telling his partner to shut up, being generally aggressive and being a bully to children, women and the elderly .

That's like saying he's lovely except for when he punches me.

There is no lovely apart from...

There's lovely.

And there's arsehole.

Also, your poor DD will end up bullied with no friends, if your P shouts and swears at parents at school.

He'll ruin the poor child's life because he's an over aggressive knobhead.

He's being aggressive to women and girls. He is abusive and vile. Please believe me when I say this is not normal behaviour. Leave him.

I haven't RTFT, and it's completely possible that he indeed just a complete twat, but big shifts in personality, especially ones where a person is now more aggressive or quick to snap etc can be a sign of a brain tumour.

Your mum says you can go live with her and she‘ll help you find somewhere.

Please please do this OP. You and your DD deserve so much more. Depression and anxiety don’t excuse vile, abusive behaviour and bullying. Interesting he doesn’t ever seem to target 6´4 beefy blokes just defenceless women, children and the elderly. He won’t change unless he seriously wants to. Stopping counselling doesn’t suggest this is a priority.

I haven't RTFT

There's only 100 to read. It's not a long one!

You’ll have to leave. You can’t have kids who look at their dad waltzing around and acting like this, that’s wrong. Take your mum up on her offer of moving home and sorting life out from there.

I’m guessing he has enough restraint than to antagonise fit young men who are not looking after kids (and therefore act responsibly and don’t react), as he goes about his day being a dick so that tells you something. He’ll basically have a go at anyone guaranteed not to smack him one (women, girls, old men, men looking after their kids), what an absolute delight you have there.

"We are on a joint tenancy that ends early 2022. I'm on a very low income, so is he and he doesn't have any friends or family in the UK so he would be screwed".

Contact the landlord to terminate the tenancy earlier. So what is he has not family and friends in the UK - I can see why. So the hell what if he is screwed?. He does not care about you or his kid.

Why do you feel some degree of responsibility for him; are you codependent in relationships?. His needs here are not more important than yours and your boundaries, already perhaps skewed by previous poor experiences of men, are being further bashed by this individual now.

Its not your job either to be his rescuer, saviour and or rehab centre. You cannot fix him, you can only help your own self here.

"My mum has said I can go and live with her then and she will help me find somewhere".

You need to be with her ideally far earlier than in 2022.

Time to go.

I forgot to mention i had a bit of a breakdown 3 weeks PP and sat in the bedroom crying when I realised I didn't want to be with him anymore,

He'd started being nasty to his parents about them sharing photos of DD with their friends online, they were messaging me asking what on earth was up with him and I told them everything and it all suddenly hit me.

He later asked me why I was crying and I said I was unhappy and he was being so nasty lately. He told me I was being hormonal and it's not been spoken about since but I have had an increase of him asking me if I still love him

And what Literarydevice wrote earlier.

I mean he’s not ‘lovely at home’ though, is he? He tells you to shut up when you tell him he doesn’t need to swear at your baby. Unless your bar for lovely is literally on the floor. And he seems to only have uncontrollable aggression towards women, children and older men. Does he ever have these angry outbursts to big, imposing men? I would imagine not.

You’re not financially dependent, your mum says you can live with her- all good news! Tell him you are embarrassed by his swearing and aggression at people when out with him. You don’t want your child thinking this is the norm, and he can call you a doormat if he wants but that just tells you you are not compatible. And if he swears or shouts or is rude to anyone including your dad when you go out you are packing a bag and staying with your mum. (Perhaps pack stuff in the car beforehand)

OP, your mum is offering you a lifeline. Take it now. It won’t get better if you stay.

He is OK with me

He really isn’t and it isn’t “ok” around your child.

Both of you are setting a terrible example. Him because he is an inadequate prick who targets people he sees as more vulnerable than him. You because by tolerating it your child will think he/she has to.

My father has been like this all my life. I realised when I was a young child that not all parents are like this. I am now low contact with both of them because I cannot stand his company and my mother didn’t protect me from it

This is your future the way things stand right now. Mental health problems are no excuse, evidenced by the fact he can switch the behaviour on and off when he wants to. I don’t expect he picks on the stacked 30 yo bloke down at the pub.

He sounds utterly vile. How can he talk like that to an innocent old man…do you think he’s had some kind of breakdown to trigger this?

Oh I see your mum is happy for you to go to her. I’d do that personally. He’s a horrible angry bully who I don’t think will change. I have depression. I don’t act aggressively to those weaker than myself! Even if the depression is treated his nasty personality will still be there.

He overstepped with you and now he is furiously backtracking and being "nice". Again though he blamed your hormones for he acting like he did. Its always someone else's fault you see, never their own.

That is he now showing you the nice part of his nice/nasty cycle of abuse that he shows you. That is a continuous cycle.

You and your child will continue to be dragged down with him into his pit as long as you remain with him. How else can you be helped here into leaving your abuser and a man at that who sees nothing wrong with verbally abusing young girls, women and old men in public?.

My dad probably isn't the best person to speak to about it as he was very angry when I was younger and regularly got drunk and angry infront of me when I stayed at his house. He also had another DC with another woman when I was a teenager who ran away from him with the DC about 6 months after birth. I'm not sure he would recognise the unhealthy things my DP does when he has been similar himself in the past.

He's had a lot of therapy but not sure I would feel comfortable discussing it with him. My mum has seen first hand what my DP is like and says he is a lot like my dad