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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Embarrassed to go outside with DP

372 replies

Embarrassedandfedup · 27/06/2021 13:24

I've been with DP for 5 years and we have a 8 week old DC. I've become too embarrassed to go outside with him. He is so rude and confrontational to people for no reason when we are out and makes a big drama out of things and it's embarrassing and I just want the ground to swallow me up when I'm there but now we have our DC and I'm worried about them seeing this behaviour. Some examples:

We went out for breakfast on my birthday, the waitress offered us a seat at a long shared table full of children and parents and I asked if we could have a more private area so I could feed DC, she said that was fine but id need to move the pram to the side. As soon as we sat down DP went on a big rant about how it's obvious she hates children, hates the fact the pram is in her way and then said aggressively "if she says anything I'll be speaking to her manager" and everytime she walked past he would glare at her then shouted "thanks for nothing" when we left later on.

Yesterday in a cafe, a mum and daughter walk infront of me as I'm pushing the pram, they obviously didn't see me and I stop so I don't hit them. DP then snaps "you could say thank you" to them, the daughter looked really uncomfortable when we ended up at the table next to them. Similar things happen if someone walks in front of us or doesn't say thank you when we let them past (usually not on purpose, they've just not noticed) he'll start getting all sarcastic or shout down the street after them, even if they are with their children. He regularly snaps "what are you looking at?" or "Can I help you?" Because he says someone gave him a "dirty look" in the street. He then says it must be because he's overweight and they hate fat people
There's always some farfetched scenario about why that person must hate him.

A group of young girls walked past us the other day and he shouted " what are you looking at you fat ugly gremlins" because he claims they looked me up and down. It's absolutely humiliating and when I ask what the hell he is playing at he says I need to stand up for myself and I'm not assertive enough and acts as if I'm the crazy one for not screaming at people in the street. I keep asking him to please not do this infront of me and DC. He even shouted at someone in the hospital corridor that their shoes were too loud!

We are going out for lunch today with my Dad who he's only met twice and I'm so worried he's going to behave like this infront of him.

Sorry for the long rant I'm just not sure what to do

OP posts:
FAQs · 27/06/2021 14:20

If his parents also don’t recognise his behaviour, it’s def worth getting his Health checked, as a previous poster said it could be related to a brain injury, even diabetes. If his Health is fine and he won’t recognise his behaviour, seek help or medication for his depression you’ve tried your best and for yours and yours daughter sake you really should leave, imagine how awful it’ll be for your daughter.

Tubbs99 · 27/06/2021 14:20

@YippeeKiYay155

OP. Does he speak like this to men as well or is it just women?
Just about to ask this. He seems to be targetting women
ViciousJackdaw · 27/06/2021 14:20

May I ask, was the pregnancy planned? It's just with you saying that this started six months ago, perhaps there is a link?

Ladylokidoki · 27/06/2021 14:23

If his parents also don’t recognise his behaviour, it’s def worth getting his Health checked, as a previous poster said it could be related to a brain injury, even diabetes

He targets women, old men or men out with kids. All groups who are more unlikely to punch him. Never someone who as the ability to fight back.

I am guessing it's not Brain injury or tumour. Or he wouldn't only be doing it to people who are more likely to not fight back.

FAQs · 27/06/2021 14:23

She said he targets women and and men, although the men seem to be older or have children with them so less likely to punch his lights out or challenge him, which the OPs partner seems obviously aware of.

ohsuzannah · 27/06/2021 14:24

I left my ex for this. I was afraid about the effect it was having on my dd Sad

User135644 · 27/06/2021 14:24

Sounds like he's suffering from some form of psychosis (if it's relatively recent thing). He needs urgent professional help.

Tubbs99 · 27/06/2021 14:24

Just seen your update. So mainly women and “weaker”men. He needs to seek help for his anger issues. Maybe you could move in with your mum as mentioned, while he does this. You deserve better

ButterflyTonight · 27/06/2021 14:25

A close family member had a diagnosed, serious mental health problem, then eventually dementia. They often lacked a filter and would confront people (especially after they had dementia).

But they would confront anyone - men as well as women, people half their age etc. It didn't matter who they were.

Your partner sounds to have a serious problem but sufficient self control to pick only on those he believes won't fight back. I find that very worrying. I don't think I've ever posted LTB, but in your case I believe it's the right thing to do. Go to your Mum's until he sorts himself out (if a medical problem is the cause).

For your safety, and your baby's.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/06/2021 14:26

FAQ

In one of her earlier posts the OP wrote this:-

"He has previously been on medication for depression and anxiety, stopped it last year and bas been in counselling for the past 8 months but has just quit it as he says it's pointless and the counsellor is useless".

OP
We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents and you've subconciously learnt a lot of damaging lessons about relationships from your parents. You basically went onto choose someone here like your dad.

CatalinaCasesolver · 27/06/2021 14:27

My god he sounds absolutely horrible. He's a bully and by the sounds of it he's abusive to you too. Please leave him.

quizqueen · 27/06/2021 14:27

Your child will grow up to think this behaviour is normal and either cower away from him or copy him. His comment to the old man was downright cruel and I would have walked away that day but, to be honest, I'm sensible enough not to get involved with someone like this from the start. So many blame mental health issues on bad behaviour, it 's not acceptable and often just an excuse for people having nasty character traits in the first place. See if you can end your tenancy earlier and go to your mum's.

fluffiphlox · 27/06/2021 14:28

What attracted you to him in the first place? He must surely have some redeeming features otherwise why are you with him? Does he take any medication? Perhaps he should do.

CaMePlaitPas · 27/06/2021 14:28

Talk about short dick energy, what a pathetic excuse for a "man". Leave OP, you deserve better and so does your child.

Just one more thing, I was diagnosed with depression at 13, I'm now 31 with (still) pretty bad mental health but I have never thought that it was OK to abuse other women or the elderly in the street. And I'm not the only one, I'm sure there are even posters on this board who are the same. This isn't his depression OP, this is him. Perhaps he's fine at home, until he's not and once he lashes out, because his pattern of behaviour has shown that he can and does allow himself to do this, you'll regret that you didn't leave sooner.

FAQs · 27/06/2021 14:29

@AttilaTheMeerkat yes I know I did read that. Doesn’t stop him going back on it .... hence me saying is he doesn’t seek help she should leave.

Original poster
Embarrassedandfedup · 27/06/2021 14:29

Thank you so much for all the replies.

I know I need to leave. I feel really sad as my DD is so small but I know it's better to do it when she is small than for her to be old enough to remember.

Our life together is all I have really known and it's very scary to know it's all going to change. I'd have to rehome our cats too which makes me so sad but my DD is the most important thing in the world to me and having her has really put everything into perspective.

OP posts:
70isaLimitNotaTarget · 27/06/2021 14:29

I'm also expecting that one day he will do this to the wrong person and will get smacked

Aye Hope Springs Eternal !

ZooKeeper19 · 27/06/2021 14:29

@Embarrassedandfedup I am so sorry :( it's hard when it hits you, and writing this down makes it even more real.

I think you are doing great. Best thing you can do right now, is leave. Pack up and go to your mum, even if only for a week. See how you feel then. You were so brave telling his parents, please do tell your mum. She sounds like she will support you.

He told me I was being hormonal and it's not been spoken about since but I have had an increase of him asking me if I still love him -> this is him realising he overstepped and he is now afraid you can see through him. Asking if you still love him is him guilt-tripping you into staying. He knows his time is up.

Please don't fall for any of it, you deserve a happy balanced life, full of laughter and noises and crying and laughing - all the things that belong with having a baby! It's all mess and spilled broken things but you need to be able to take it lightly, with humour and just keep going.

Giving birth is hard, being a mum even harder so you need support, not being anxious all the time worrying he comes home and you will have to do anything possible for your poor DD not to cry so he does not fly off the handle. Please. Leave.

mam0918 · 27/06/2021 14:31

@Embarrassedandfedup

I've been with DP for 5 years and we have a 8 week old DC. I've become too embarrassed to go outside with him. He is so rude and confrontational to people for no reason when we are out and makes a big drama out of things and it's embarrassing and I just want the ground to swallow me up when I'm there but now we have our DC and I'm worried about them seeing this behaviour. Some examples:

We went out for breakfast on my birthday, the waitress offered us a seat at a long shared table full of children and parents and I asked if we could have a more private area so I could feed DC, she said that was fine but id need to move the pram to the side. As soon as we sat down DP went on a big rant about how it's obvious she hates children, hates the fact the pram is in her way and then said aggressively "if she says anything I'll be speaking to her manager" and everytime she walked past he would glare at her then shouted "thanks for nothing" when we left later on.

Yesterday in a cafe, a mum and daughter walk infront of me as I'm pushing the pram, they obviously didn't see me and I stop so I don't hit them. DP then snaps "you could say thank you" to them, the daughter looked really uncomfortable when we ended up at the table next to them. Similar things happen if someone walks in front of us or doesn't say thank you when we let them past (usually not on purpose, they've just not noticed) he'll start getting all sarcastic or shout down the street after them, even if they are with their children. He regularly snaps "what are you looking at?" or "Can I help you?" Because he says someone gave him a "dirty look" in the street. He then says it must be because he's overweight and they hate fat people
There's always some farfetched scenario about why that person must hate him.

A group of young girls walked past us the other day and he shouted " what are you looking at you fat ugly gremlins" because he claims they looked me up and down. It's absolutely humiliating and when I ask what the hell he is playing at he says I need to stand up for myself and I'm not assertive enough and acts as if I'm the crazy one for not screaming at people in the street. I keep asking him to please not do this infront of me and DC. He even shouted at someone in the hospital corridor that their shoes were too loud!

We are going out for lunch today with my Dad who he's only met twice and I'm so worried he's going to behave like this infront of him.

Sorry for the long rant I'm just not sure what to do

Sounds like you have yourself an Alpha Male - aka. A bully.

Loud, obnoxious, highly prone to agressive outburst out of nowhere/over nothing ESPECIALLY toward woman and children, controlling and usually ending up being domestically violent.

I dont know why you chose to have a child with him but I would get out now before it gets worse.

VettiyaIruken · 27/06/2021 14:31

Sounds like that's where you learned about relationships.

That's why it's so important that you break the cycle now, both for your child and yourself.

toothpicklover · 27/06/2021 14:31

You’ve posted about him before and most of the advice was to leave him.
He’s not going to change.

Original poster
Embarrassedandfedup · 27/06/2021 14:32

@fluffiphlox

What attracted you to him in the first place? He must surely have some redeeming features otherwise why are you with him? Does he take any medication? Perhaps he should do.
He was really charming, attractive, he had a lot of ambition and a positive attitude to life and was very career focused.

Now he is rude, unemployed, doesn't see the point in anything, has no optimism, is negative about everything, anything positive I say is shut down. He's like a different person.

We moved to another city hours away from my home town that would've been a great place to advance his career, his job fell through and he's been going downhill since then. We are now back in my hometown though as I hated being away from my mum.

OP posts:
Confusedandshaken · 27/06/2021 14:33

He sounds terrifying.

Ladylokidoki · 27/06/2021 14:33

Our life together is all I have really known and it's very scary to know it's all going to change. I'd have to rehome our cats too which makes me so sad but my DD is the most important thing in the world to me and having her has really put everything into perspective

How old are you that your life with him is all you have ever known?

How old is he?

LynetteScavo · 27/06/2021 14:34

He sounds like a very unhappy person, but it's not your job to make him happy.

Your DM wouldn't be offering for you to stay with her if she didn't think it was for the best. I bet she's desperately hoping you take her up on the offer.