Embarrassed to go outside with DP

[Embarrassedandfedup]

I've been with DP for 5 years and we have a 8 week old DC. I've become too embarrassed to go outside with him. He is so rude and confrontational to people for no reason when we are out and makes a big drama out of things and it's embarrassing and I just want the ground to swallow me up when I'm there but now we have our DC and I'm worried about them seeing this behaviour. Some examples:

We went out for breakfast on my birthday, the waitress offered us a seat at a long shared table full of children and parents and I asked if we could have a more private area so I could feed DC, she said that was fine but id need to move the pram to the side. As soon as we sat down DP went on a big rant about how it's obvious she hates children, hates the fact the pram is in her way and then said aggressively "if she says anything I'll be speaking to her manager" and everytime she walked past he would glare at her then shouted "thanks for nothing" when we left later on.

Yesterday in a cafe, a mum and daughter walk infront of me as I'm pushing the pram, they obviously didn't see me and I stop so I don't hit them. DP then snaps "you could say thank you" to them, the daughter looked really uncomfortable when we ended up at the table next to them. Similar things happen if someone walks in front of us or doesn't say thank you when we let them past (usually not on purpose, they've just not noticed) he'll start getting all sarcastic or shout down the street after them, even if they are with their children. He regularly snaps "what are you looking at?" or "Can I help you?" Because he says someone gave him a "dirty look" in the street. He then says it must be because he's overweight and they hate fat people
There's always some farfetched scenario about why that person must hate him.

A group of young girls walked past us the other day and he shouted " what are you looking at you fat ugly gremlins" because he claims they looked me up and down. It's absolutely humiliating and when I ask what the hell he is playing at he says I need to stand up for myself and I'm not assertive enough and acts as if I'm the crazy one for not screaming at people in the street. I keep asking him to please not do this infront of me and DC. He even shouted at someone in the hospital corridor that their shoes were too loud!

We are going out for lunch today with my Dad who he's only met twice and I'm so worried he's going to behave like this infront of him.

Sorry for the long rant I'm just not sure what to do

He sounds horrible. He’s obviously a bully who goes mainly for women or old people or those with small children in tow. Bet he doesn’t lose his rag with big men who would knock him out. How pathetic. Only a matter of time before he turns on you and your child, too, in my experience of this type of angry, inadequate male.

Perfect time to exit this situation while your baby is still too young to be learning from this arsehole.

Not sure what is making you stay? What will you do when she accidentally spills something and he hits her? If she starts pulling on things and breaks something of his and he screams at her till she cries? Will you sit and watch, find excuses?

You know it's abuse, abuse to you and he will abuse your DD as well.

You only can stop this, so please leave. Save your DD a lifetime of hell.

@1forAll74

Generally ,people who are like this, are usually quite unhappy and uneasy about things in their lives, and when confronted with little things that are annoying them, they just let rip,and say unkind and critical comments to people, to ease their own inner issues and frustrations.

He is very unhappy, he has a lot of self-esteem issues, lots of issues with being bullied in the past etc. And I do recognise that he will get really angry over something minor and actually he is probably projecting but that's not OK, I have self esteem issues and I don't shout at people.

He has previously been on medication for depression and anxiety, stopped it last year and bas been in counselling for the past 8 months but has just quit it as he says it's pointless and the counsellor is useless.

I keep urging him to ring the GP back and find something else but he keeps putting it off and I have a newborn to look after so I won't be looking after him to by reminding him constantly.

Sounds like an absolutely miserable existence for you and your baby.
My first ever LTB.

You're in an awful situation especially only just having had a baby but I would rip the plaster off now and leave him.

Op he was nice once and he only does this to women, old people and kids. So he knows exactly what he is doing. Please don't leave your baby alone with him. Please don't get pregnant by him again and start to make plans to leave. He won't get any better.

Pinkmagnolias what is funny about abusing an old man in the street? It is absolutely disgusting.

If this is genuinely a new thing I'd be encouraging him to see a doctor, personality changes can be a symptom of something bigger.

If, however, he's always been a bit of an arse and you're just noticing it more then leave him.

This is exactly what I would have said.

Your daughter will also pick up on your emotional preoccupation re her dad and you will as a result not be fully emotionally available. She will learn from you also as to how relationships are conducted and will over time start to copy your behaviours. Surely you would not want her to be with someone like her dad as an adult.

Op, countless people with anxiety have to deal with an urge to snap at people for perceived slights. But we don't, because we all know that it's rude, aggressive and bullying to verbally attack people for something they didn't even realise they were doing. Nobody is a mind reader, and it's embarrassing and isolating to live with someone who always goes on the offensive.

I will add from personal experience that growing up with someone who obviously struggled with emotional regulation and would loudly swear at strangers was upsetting, and probably did a lot to hurt my self-esteem. It's awful to feel like you're walking on eggshells, that any mistep will cause a barrage of abuse and aggression.

So please, focus on what's best for your baby. They deserve to grow up in a stable, happy environment with clear boundaries. And from what you've posted, from how you've described of your DP swearing at your baby for crying , they're not living in a suitable environment at all.

Inferiority complex. It's classic agressive/defensive behaviour.

Ask him why he does it?

Wait for the excuses. Tell him he’s being rude when telling you to move not even an excuse me
The other thing most fathers go to their kids if crying not leave the room he just stomps of to another room

Ask him what would he do if someone spoke to his daughter like that again wait for the excuses.

He’s showing you who he is believe him and leave

He has previously been on medication for depression and anxiety, stopped it last year and bas been in counselling for the past 8 months but has just quit it as he says it's pointless and the counsellor is useless

He has much bigger issues than you can manage.
Tbh I’d move back home if you can and enjoy your baby.

Yep he sounds abusive to me too. Only going to get worse IMO and you should be investigating how to get away from him.

Cazzovuoi Sun 27-Jun-21 13:37:58
FlowerArranger

I expect he has not turned out to be like this overnight, so why did you not only stay but choose to have a child with him?

I'm not sure what you are expecting from this thread. He is who he is. He will not change. Best to cut your losses now and leave.
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Fuck off with the blaming ffs. I hate this response, it’s a cheap and lazy shot at a clearly vulnerable woman.

What happened to women looking out for each other?! Stop victim blaming.
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I agree with you.

None of us know how we or our partners will be after having a baby, it does change people, sometimes just for a while. The op's partner has had difficulties for a few years which are now more pronounced. He needs help!

However it is unpleasant for the op to be embarrassed to go out with her partner. I think in her place I would avoid doing that. I would also tell him straight that I am not prepared to put up with it, he either behaves decently or they stop going out together.

He has to recognise that his behaviour is not acceptable, maybe they have a good friend or relative who can speak to him about it, and encourage him to get help.

(I've learned something new on this thread: I had no idea little babies 'head butted' :-))

@ZooKeeper19

Not sure what is making you stay? What will you do when she accidentally spills something and he hits her? If she starts pulling on things and breaks something of his and he screams at her till she cries? Will you sit and watch, find excuses?

You know it's abuse, abuse to you and he will abuse your DD as well.

You only can stop this, so please leave. Save your DD a lifetime of hell.

I'm not sure either. We are on a joint tenancy that ends early 2022. I'm on a very low income, so is he and he doesn't have any friends or family in the UK so he would be screwed.

My mum has said I can go and live with her then and she will help me find somewhere.

He is lovely at home usually but recently the stuff in public has become more frequent and is overshadowing the nice side of him and I think having DD has put things into perspective.

So he knows he is miserable bit won't keep up to anything to make it better.

I get we should see partners through illness. But you can't do that because you have your baby to think about.

Whatever, the reason behind this behaviour, if he keeps quitting his treatments, he won't get better. You can't make him better. All you can do is protect your child.

And leaving now, where he isn't going to get a lot of time with her (and probably lose interest) is the best time to go. To protect her more.

If you leave it a few years, he could get 50:50, just to try and bully you for leaving him. Not many courts will give him alot of access on his own, to a very tiny baby.

You also need to record these incidents. Just incase.

He is lovely at home usually but recently the stuff in public has become more frequent and is overshadowing the nice side of him and I think having DD has put things into perspective.

But he isn't lovely at home.

He sounds vile, bet he can control himself when faced with some 2 metre tall muscleman.

Take your mum up on her offer for you to go stay with her. You can’t fix this inadequate, bullying man. He doesn’t want to be fixed.

From what you’ve said it sounds like it’s only females he’ll have a go at?

My main question to you though, would be why are you still with him?

Typical abuser behavior, how long were you together before you got pg? Sorry if you said and I missed it. But don't you think it's telling that the nasty behavior ramped up just when you were pg and past termination point? He feels like he has a secure hold on you so he can let his true self show.

This isn't going to get better. Have a quiet word with your dad at lunch about the logistics of leaving.

OP take the optoin to live with your mum, he sounds a complete horror. The older your baby gets, the harder it will be to leave

Pinkmagnolias what is funny about abusing an old man in the street? It is absolutely disgusting.

It sounds so incredulous like an OTT sitcom with people being paid to say and receive this type of thing. Another example was Jim Royle saying similar to Nana in the Royle Family. Obviously it is not funny in real life.

I've given it about 20 seconds thoughts and yes, he's an utter cockwomble.

There is simply no need for people to be like that in life.

Hopefully someone will kick the fucking living shit out of him soon.

I know plenty of men who would challenge him if they saw him abusing a woman/girl and I know it wouldn't end well for him.

He's disgusting and I'd also be ashamed to be seen with him.

When are you leaving him? And what will you do to make sure he is kept away from your daughter?