Embarrassed to go outside with DP

[Embarrassedandfedup]

I've been with DP for 5 years and we have a 8 week old DC. I've become too embarrassed to go outside with him. He is so rude and confrontational to people for no reason when we are out and makes a big drama out of things and it's embarrassing and I just want the ground to swallow me up when I'm there but now we have our DC and I'm worried about them seeing this behaviour. Some examples:

We went out for breakfast on my birthday, the waitress offered us a seat at a long shared table full of children and parents and I asked if we could have a more private area so I could feed DC, she said that was fine but id need to move the pram to the side. As soon as we sat down DP went on a big rant about how it's obvious she hates children, hates the fact the pram is in her way and then said aggressively "if she says anything I'll be speaking to her manager" and everytime she walked past he would glare at her then shouted "thanks for nothing" when we left later on.

Yesterday in a cafe, a mum and daughter walk infront of me as I'm pushing the pram, they obviously didn't see me and I stop so I don't hit them. DP then snaps "you could say thank you" to them, the daughter looked really uncomfortable when we ended up at the table next to them. Similar things happen if someone walks in front of us or doesn't say thank you when we let them past (usually not on purpose, they've just not noticed) he'll start getting all sarcastic or shout down the street after them, even if they are with their children. He regularly snaps "what are you looking at?" or "Can I help you?" Because he says someone gave him a "dirty look" in the street. He then says it must be because he's overweight and they hate fat people
There's always some farfetched scenario about why that person must hate him.

A group of young girls walked past us the other day and he shouted " what are you looking at you fat ugly gremlins" because he claims they looked me up and down. It's absolutely humiliating and when I ask what the hell he is playing at he says I need to stand up for myself and I'm not assertive enough and acts as if I'm the crazy one for not screaming at people in the street. I keep asking him to please not do this infront of me and DC. He even shouted at someone in the hospital corridor that their shoes were too loud!

We are going out for lunch today with my Dad who he's only met twice and I'm so worried he's going to behave like this infront of him.

Sorry for the long rant I'm just not sure what to do

@Cam77

Well either he's always been a nasty piece of work or he has/is suffering a massive mental breakdown.

People don't go from being charming and polite (as the OP described his past self as being) to snapping "what are you looking at?" at strangers and threatening elderly passersby.

I'm not sure. Things are slowly piling up on top of him and I could understand if it was a breakdown, he's come off his medication and got worse but won't go back on it.

But then it could just be that was all a front and this is just the real him.

Have you went to mums yet and I’m another don’t tell him just go.

As for the tenancy do take videos under the guise it’s for the landlord. Ask to be removed from the tenancy too if they’ll do that. Explain why too and don’t be ashamed or embarrassed, but do phone snd state you’ve left. Even put it all in writing too so it time stamped as I do think he’ll trash the flat sadly once he realises you’ve left.

As they say you’re at your most vulnerable snd dangerous time when leaving an abusive relationship and I think he’d totally escalate if he knew.

Plus log out of here ever time or use the privacy tag so it doesn’t keep a record of where you’ve been online

You can’t help him he has to help him. Do not listen to his excuses of I’ll change he has to show those changes first and even then you don’t have to go back. Ever.

OP my DP has never told me to shut up or move out of his way (I’ve also been in abusive relationships and am thankfully good at spotting red flags now). Your DPs behaviour is not normal. He sounds really aggressive and you sound like you are lacking in confidence. Do you think it might be worth speaking to women’s aid? Even take a look at their website for a list of signs you are in an abusive relationship.

There is a questionnaire to fill out here-
www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/am-i-in-an-abusive-relationship/

@Cam77

Well either he's always been a nasty piece of work or he has/is suffering a massive mental breakdown.

People don't go from being charming and polite (as the OP described his past self as being) to snapping "what are you looking at?" at strangers and threatening elderly passersby.

This is the real him he wore a mask before and yes it can look like they went from great to shit in 5 seconds when they really haven’t

it’s like the boiled frog story. Little things that escalate under your nose till you can see what a dick he is later on when he thinks your trapped.

Just wanted to pop up and wish you luck for today - hoping you can get away somehow x

I was with someone who constantly criticized other people. He used to make particularly nasty comments about other women's appearances, and it made me very uncomfortable about going outside with him; it wasn't like he kept his voice down. In cafes he would expect to be addressed as "sir" and there was a problem if he wasn't. I'd just sit there, mortified. I quickly learned that if I picked up on what he said there'd be a row.

He's out of my life now and I feel like a huge weight has lifted from me. I am so glad to be rid of him.

I wonder if the vet might find someone to foster the cats until you’re more settled ?

I'm sorry to hear about your ill cat. Last year, one of the two cats I had with my ex husband had a heart attack and had to be put to sleep..she was 18 and had a very long and happy life with us from when she was 6 weeks old. When we separated we decided that both cats would stay with the ex - but I was able to see them on virtually a daily basis as I lived very near. My ex was (and still is) absolutely devastated when she died and still sheds a tear when we talk about her (which we do all the time).

You partner is a cunt. Please do your daughter and cats a massive favour and get them away from him as soon as you humanly can.

But then it could just be that was all a front and this is just the real him.

This is more common than you think. My BFF's ex was all charm and light to everyone. He treated her well when they were dating and in the first year of their marriage. Then suddenly it was like a light switch turned off when she got pregnant. It was unexpected as she had been told she'd never be able to have a baby. He already had two half grown DC that he pretty much ignored. He became surly, sullen, and verbally abusive.

Turns out that was who he was all along. He wanted marriage and the proverbial 'white picket fence' but he just couldn't 'hold the pose' any longer once the baby was on the way. He told my DH 'he never signed up for that'.

Pack up and leave.

Just wanted to say I'm thinking of you today OP, hope you're doing alright

He sounds just ... Awful.

So sorry you're in this situation, when you ought to be being cherished along with your baby.

Re the cats, could your dad look after them until you've got yourself sorted and found another place to live? I do understand that your mum will be protective of her own cat and not want ti upset by a sudden influx of 3 into its territory. We have 3 and we wouldn't want to have snother cat here upsetting them (we are being targetted by a neighbour's cat who wants to live here, our cats are spraying and behaving quite oddly because of it. It's getting sorted....) So maybe your dad can help, or maybe another relative?

OP I just want to say that you are very impressive for 23! Very switched on and perceptive. I wish I had your sense at 23. You sound like a fantastic mum, and the relationship you and your daughter have sounds brilliant.

This horrible angry man adds nothing to your life, and you and your daughter will have a much happier and easier time without him.

@trunumber

Can we please stop trying to diagnose this man. It's perfectly possible to be an angry arsehole without having mental health problems

He's aggressing against the vulnerable, not someone who might hit him. He knows what he is doing.

OP, you really do sound like a wonderful mum. Try to leave as soon as possible, you and your daughter deserve better

Amen! Depression does not cause a person to go around shouting and swearing at women and elderly people. The unfair association of violence and abusive behaviour with mental illness only adds to the unjustified stigma.

He only shouts and is rude to women?

He only shouts and is rude to women?

Nope. Also old men and men actively looking after kids that he knows will ignore him. He does not do this to anyone he thinks will have a go back. Hero.

You’ve got a catch there OP

He sounds absolutely awful. That's a disgusting way to behave. There is a difference between standing up for yourself and being aggressive and obnoxious. Some people go looking for confrontation, and they ruin other people's day. I bet he doesn't speak like that to big, angry men with broken noses. I really hope he picks on the wrong person one day, preferably a female boxer. Life is hard enough without **s like him yelling at you in the street. Imagine behaving like that to someone who's just lost a baby, or someone whose mum has just died of cancer. You have no idea what a random stranger is dealing with in their life.

I have known people like this, and they don't change. He might be ok to you now, but give it a few years. He'll grow naggy, petty and irritable. Nothing you do will ever be right. He'll start yelling at you to get out of the way, or get off the phone, etc, until you are walking on eggshells.

OP I am sorry to tell you but it is important to document everything you have told us here and from when it began. You are definitely not safe and you need to let your GP and HV know asap. Good luck.

Oh my god, this genuinely sounds like my ex & it was EXHAUSTING!
I was lucky enough not to fall pregnant with him but honestly it was just an awful relationship. It just gets worse from here in my opinion and if he's speaking to and about your LO like this he/she is only going to get louder.
Honestly I left FINALLY it took me soo long to finally get him to leave and I've honestly met the best person of my life and it has had such an impact on every aspect of my life especially my mental health (I didn't actually realise how miserable he made me until I was out of it).
I really hope you do whatever is right for you, I feel so so sad for you reading this post as this time with your baby is SO magical and he is ruining it for you. Good luck with everything x