Embarrassed to go outside with DP

[Embarrassedandfedup]

I've been with DP for 5 years and we have a 8 week old DC. I've become too embarrassed to go outside with him. He is so rude and confrontational to people for no reason when we are out and makes a big drama out of things and it's embarrassing and I just want the ground to swallow me up when I'm there but now we have our DC and I'm worried about them seeing this behaviour. Some examples:

We went out for breakfast on my birthday, the waitress offered us a seat at a long shared table full of children and parents and I asked if we could have a more private area so I could feed DC, she said that was fine but id need to move the pram to the side. As soon as we sat down DP went on a big rant about how it's obvious she hates children, hates the fact the pram is in her way and then said aggressively "if she says anything I'll be speaking to her manager" and everytime she walked past he would glare at her then shouted "thanks for nothing" when we left later on.

Yesterday in a cafe, a mum and daughter walk infront of me as I'm pushing the pram, they obviously didn't see me and I stop so I don't hit them. DP then snaps "you could say thank you" to them, the daughter looked really uncomfortable when we ended up at the table next to them. Similar things happen if someone walks in front of us or doesn't say thank you when we let them past (usually not on purpose, they've just not noticed) he'll start getting all sarcastic or shout down the street after them, even if they are with their children. He regularly snaps "what are you looking at?" or "Can I help you?" Because he says someone gave him a "dirty look" in the street. He then says it must be because he's overweight and they hate fat people
There's always some farfetched scenario about why that person must hate him.

A group of young girls walked past us the other day and he shouted " what are you looking at you fat ugly gremlins" because he claims they looked me up and down. It's absolutely humiliating and when I ask what the hell he is playing at he says I need to stand up for myself and I'm not assertive enough and acts as if I'm the crazy one for not screaming at people in the street. I keep asking him to please not do this infront of me and DC. He even shouted at someone in the hospital corridor that their shoes were too loud!

We are going out for lunch today with my Dad who he's only met twice and I'm so worried he's going to behave like this infront of him.

Sorry for the long rant I'm just not sure what to do

It sounds as though he's trying to convince you it's you and him against the world.
Acting as though he is your saviour, but he's not, he is not protecting you, he is abusing you and making it look like others are the problem.

This is quite sinister, a mind fuck, he is isolating you to act in whatever way he pleases at home and not have outside interference.

Go to your moms, contact Women's Aid and if he becomes unreasonable contact the police.
I doubt he will let you go quietly.

IMO you are minimizing his behavior toward you.

He sounds like a creep.

He sounds horrible.

My sympathies to you as you work out how to improve your life. You are not obliged to stay with him.

Leaving is the main advice best for her and baby, but how do you know he won't end up with half custody of the kid and end up doing more damage to the kid when mums not there to protect or change pattern.
Not trying to be negative but just can't see how packing bags and leaving as fast as possible is guaranteed to work. How do you avoid this?

I agree with the poster who said the social worker will have you on her radar... Leave before SS take action.

My depression showed in a very similar way to your DP. I was getting cross for nothing, over reacted a lot, to the point my DH said he wasn’t happy to go out in public with me until I had seen the GP.

I got some anti depressants and had some counselling.

I’m safe out in public now

If it really has come on in the last 6 months I'd be concerned that there's something seriously wrong , especially as his parents seem to feel there's something not right too.

It doesn't sound like he's going to get himself any help though so you should take your mum up on the offer of staying with her. It's not your job to fix him.

I've worked with plenty of people with MH problems and even when quite unwell some have been very good at picking who they kick off at. Especially when there's PD involved. It's very rare any of them were aggressive to make staff members

My father was like this, he ended up being physically violent towards me & my mum (never dbro). He ruined my childhood & caused me to have lifelong issues with self esteem.

Please don't put yourself or your daughter at risk of escalating behaviour.

What a vile specimen.
Can you imagine how he would speak to your daughter as she gets older? There is no salvaging this.

@Spacecadet58

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. As an ex mental health professional I do have serious concerns about his mental health, and without intervention is it unlikely to get better. Could you, with maybe some of his family sit down and explain calmly your concerns about his behaviour and ask that he gets help fast with your support. Some MNs on here are so harsh and unkind, but I presume you do, or did, love this man and given that he was ok until 6 months ago at least support him and get him help. Only after this should you consider leaving. However, if you feel unsafe get out now and get help from afar. Good luck x

I'm sorry but just no. Please don't use your mental health professional credentials to give such terrible advice. She is not responsible for this man. He is an adult and has already rejected support for his mental health, probably because the counsellor started challenging his behaviour.

The best line in this thread is that "women are not rehab centres for emotionally incompetent men."

So he only bullies people he perceives to be weaker than him.
That shows he can control his behaviour then, as he's able to keep his thoughts to himself around most men.
You need to stand up for yourself and your daughter and LTB asap.

Please leave this absolute bully op. You sound so sensible and level headed. Plus pps are right about your love for your daughter being so clear through your posts. Leaving him is going to give her such a better start in life. What's he going to be like when she's a toddler?
The relief you feel when you leave a 'man' like this really is wonderful op. You're only 23! Please don't let this be your (and her) future.
You can do it. It's scary to get out and to make the leap, but it's so so worth it.

Hi op is it just women he has a go at or does he have a go at men too ?

Thanks for all the replies will read them now. This morning I got up with DD, watched the news and DP came in and sat with me then started complaining aboit or insulting everyone who was on the screen. "Look at her stupid coat" "Why would you go on TV with your eyebrows like that" "She looks like a crow". I just ignored and he mockingly said "Oh boo, DP is being mean" then I said I was going back to bed and he said "go back to bed so I can bitch in peace Saint X" (he used my name). It's like a switch has turned on in me after reading this thread and he really is just so bitter and full of hatred for everything. He's so negative and critical of everyone It's exhausting to be around.

Then I see him pulling silly faces at DD and making her laugh and feel awful but actually she needs more than that.

What would happen with custody? She's breastfed and attached to me constantly, she really hates being away from me and I don't want to be away from her yet

@Eileen101

Please leave this absolute bully op. You sound so sensible and level headed. Plus pps are right about your love for your daughter being so clear through your posts. Leaving him is going to give her such a better start in life. What's he going to be like when she's a toddler? The relief you feel when you leave a 'man' like this really is wonderful op. You're only 23! Please don't let this be your (and her) future. You can do it. It's scary to get out and to make the leap, but it's so so worth it.

You are right, as others have said I dread to think what he will be like when she's a toddler and running around being noisy and creating mess and having tantrums etc, he will not handle it well.

You sound very strong and I'm so pleased you're making plans to leave.

Please don't panic about custody. People like him will likely make a lot of fuss about his 'rights' etc but actually won't be willing to actively parent at all.

I suggest perhaps making a confidential call to your health visitor if you can (or ask to meet in a cafe, without him?) and tell her your plans to leave - as PP has said, it's likely she'll have noted his behaviour.

I also suggest not telling him you've left until you've actually gone, he could turn nasty.

My initial thoughts were he sounds like the kind of man who flies into a rage and shakes a baby when they won't stop crying instantly, often with tragic consequences.

Keep that fire in your belly to get away from him - I hope you do it soon. There will be ups and downs but honestly, your life will be a million times better and your baby will be safe. Hugs to you. x

I really feel for you. None of this is your fault.

He sounds EXACTLY like my ex.
He too was charming when I first met him.
The final straw for me was when I was 7 months pregnant with our child.
We were in a busy car park, when I slipped and fell. Thankfully baby was fine (I was terrified) but I really hurt my elbow.
He sneered at me and walked off.
He later said the reason he did this was because I had embarrassed him by falling in public.

You deserve so much better than this man.
You sound like a lovely person and an amazing Mum.

I have read your thread in horror. Having had a difficult childhood, I totally understand the attacking thing. It went away after I had therapy. For me, I didn’t attack people, but I was expecting to be attacked at any moment and played out in my head how I would respond. Angrily. Maybe he’s doing the same. But male privilege dictates he can be the attacker. However, his behaviour is off the scale. I never had these feelings towards my child or strangers on screen.

I’ve also been shouted at including to be beaten up by angry men. It was very scary. The worst one was when a man came over and made me apologise for touching his car. He drove in front of me on whilst I was in the road on a zebra crossing. It was a shock reaction - I jumped back and put my hands out as though I was trying to push the car out of the way.

I’m no expert on the custody issue. My understanding from the many threads on here is that a tiny baby, especially a breastfed one will never be given an entire day let alone overnights. The advice would be to try to plan to feed for as long as possible and not give up the feeds at bedtime, morning etc.

As for the rental agreement, someone said about a break clause. As you’ve renewed, this is unlikely but worth checking. The ll is unlikely to allow you to sign the lease over to him unless his income is high enough. The best bet is to appeal to them and get them to help you and your partner to terminate the contract early.

Just wanted to say good luck OP.

You can escape this life and make a better, happier, more peaceful one for you and DD. Your partner is absolutely awful. He sounds so full of anger and negativity it's ruining his life and those around him.

Lean on your mum for a bit and make a fresh start.

Does he show any signs of being a narcissist? This is how they behave. One I know talks down to women in shops, starts arguments with people. He got thrown out of Tesco for calling the security guard a cnut. He was just doing his job

@Colouringaddict

My depression showed in a very similar way to your DP. I was getting cross for nothing, over reacted a lot, to the point my DH said he wasn’t happy to go out in public with me until I had seen the GP.

I got some anti depressants and had some counselling.

I’m safe out in public now

I just wanted to give you a little cheer for getting help and feeling better! 🙌

My worry would be. If you move to your mums , will he come after you ? Will he go absolutely mental ? Break the door down ? How do you think he will react ?

Even if you don’t tell him you’ve gone to your mum, I bet he will guess where you are.

My ex behaved exactly the opposite to what I expected when I left.

@thecatsarecrazy

Does he show any signs of being a narcissist? This is how they behave. One I know talks down to women in shops, starts arguments with people. He got thrown out of Tesco for calling the security guard a cnut. He was just doing his job

I don't know much about narcissism but from a quick read online, yes and no.

Definitely yes to extremely sensitive and react badly to even the slightest criticisms, disagreements, or perceived slights, which they view as personal attacks and yes to lacking empathy. He never understands that stuff he is saying is extremely rude and he can't put himself in someone else's shoes, never gets upset at sad things on TV etc, comes across as quite heartless.

But he doesn't think he's better than anyone or think he's superior, he has real issues with self confidence and his appearance, hates the way he looks. Everytime we leave the house he'll spend the first 5-10 mins talking about how stupid he looks or how much he hates his outfit.

He has gained a lot of weight, a family member who he was really close to died a few months ago, he doesn't work, we have very little money, he has no friends at all (neither do I) and he is bored all the time and there's a lot for him to be angry and upset about and I get that but it needs to be dealt with. He won't fix it, will just rant about it.

@Classicbrunette

My worry would be. If you move to your mums , will he come after you ? Will he go absolutely mental ? Break the door down ? How do you think he will react ?

Even if you don’t tell him you’ve gone to your mum, I bet he will guess where you are.

My ex behaved exactly the opposite to what I expected when I left.

I couldn't say 100% but I highly doubt it. When he is rude to me it's more like a stroppy sulky teenager, he doesn't lose his temper/get uncontrollably with me and I've never seen him be violent. But then I've never done anything to upset him so who knows.

He doesn't drive and my mum lives either 2 buses away or a train and a bus and it would take about an hour to get to hers and I don't think he would be bothered to do that and I don't think he even knows her address

Well either he's always been a nasty piece of work or he has/is suffering a massive mental breakdown.

People don't go from being charming and polite (as the OP described his past self as being) to snapping "what are you looking at?" at strangers and threatening elderly passersby.

As a side note, one of the cats is poorly with a heart problem that means fluid is filling her lungs and she's on daily medication but seems to have gotten worse, she's wheezing a lot and has lost weight. I asked him to take her to her appointment this morning and I said I really hope she's okay, hopefully they can try a new medicine as I don't want her to be ill and all he had to say was "well she's old what do you expect". Heartless.