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Original poster

OH no longer wants children

410 replies

Lostat30 · 22/06/2021 01:11

Hi

Ive been with my partner 12 years, he initially wanted children "in the future". In the future is now here and he no longer wants them.

Im in my thirties and i feel like my ship has sailed. I am so heartbroken over the future i will never have. I currently feel like i wont get over him and maybe i should just stay and forget children...

Has anyone started over again (sucessfully) in their 30s when they still loved their OH?

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 22/06/2021 01:15

In you 30s could be 31 or 39 which are VERY different.

I met, married and had a baby in my 30s. But it does depend on how much you want it and whether you will grow to resent and hate your partner if you don't.

Also, may be nothing but 'partner'. Whose choice is no marriage?

Anordinarymum · 22/06/2021 01:17

Have you told him how you feel OP

Breastfeedingworries · 22/06/2021 01:18

Sounds like he was future faking and waiting until it wasn’t possible for you. Not sure if I could forgive that betrayal. 12 years is a life sentence for murder, if you’ve been waiting all this time, I know I’d be so fed up in this situation. If he’s been lying to you.

ivfgottwins · 22/06/2021 01:22

Agree with previous poster that being 31 is not the same as being 39 when it comes to having children and fertility

But if it was me......I'd never forgive him, resentment would kill whatever love I felt for him. Sorry but I think your relationship is over x

Original poster
Lostat30 · 22/06/2021 01:22

I'm 31, I've discussed this numerous times with him and his answer tends to the the same that he "might" want them in the future, it used to be that he "does" want them but it changed when i decided i was ready. That's not a good enough answer anymore for me :(

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 22/06/2021 01:23

Future-Faker. 12 years..! He's kept you dangling on a promise all that time.

He's devious. I'd dump him. Never love a man more than you love yourself. You can and will get over him, you'll be devastated at first but if you're afraid to go through the heartbreak stages then in later years with this man you've only sorrow and regret to come.

Marty13 · 22/06/2021 01:25

I chose to have children as a single parent. If having kids matters a lot to you, you could do that. If you don't want to be a single parent, then you can try and meet someone before it's too late (my boss had her third child naturally at 43 so, while not the norm, it does happen).

Either way I'm not sure I could stay with your current partner and not resent them forever.

It's not that they strung you along - maybe they were honest about wanting kids in the future and only later realized it wasn't for them. But I'd still resent them for changing their mind so late in the game and potentially costing me the children I wanted.

So yeah, bottom line, if it was me I'd leave your current partner and either look into sperm banks or dating sites, depending on what you want and how late in your thirties you are.

Starlia · 22/06/2021 01:25

Deal breaker for me. Especially if you've been open and honest about it and he has been stringing you along.
31 is still young. You do have time. And yeah, even if I loved him, I would leave and start again.

Marty13 · 22/06/2021 01:26

Just saw your update. Dear lord, 31, you have loads of time ! Dump his ass and look for someone who wants the same things as you.

QueenOfPain · 22/06/2021 01:27

Move on OP, now while you’ve still got time.

Ignore the sunk costs fallacy.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/06/2021 01:29

31 I'd leave.

Sorry it's really shit. Flowers

And there's every chance he'll find a 25 yo and have two kids you know. Happens all the time.

Usernameisgone · 22/06/2021 01:30

Honestly leave.
I had a ex very similar. Every year was we will try next year its not right now. 12 years I waited. In the end I left!
Aged 33 met a new lovely partner and now we are TTC.
Its not to late. But you have to give him a ultimatum and stick with it....

Anordinarymum · 22/06/2021 01:34

OP why don't you tell him you want to start a family now and if he doesn't then you don't see a future with him. See how he reacts to this.

When I wanted to start a family I knew it was right and if I couldn't have had children i would have regretted it for ever.

Susannahmoody · 22/06/2021 01:37

The script. He'll be wed with kids to someone else soon. Not sure why op, I don't know why, but that's what often happen. Men are odd. It's not you.

Cut your losses and leave.

TorchesTorches · 22/06/2021 01:39

At 31 you still have lots of time... with another partner. I met my DH at 35 and have 2 kids.

I think he really doesn't want kids and was able to fob you off before, but no longer. This happened to a friend of mine, after 10 years of fob offs and postponement, she was 40 and made it clear she was ready to have a baby. He turned round and said he didn't want a baby as they ruin a relationship. Hadn't been sharing that thought in the last 10 years! She had very limited options at that stage. Chose to stay and is childless.

If you know that you want a baby, you need to leave this guy. You don't want the same things and this won't change. Leaving now gives you time. He doesn't have to want a baby, but he does need to be clear, so that you can make your decision based on all the facts.

Rtmhwales · 22/06/2021 01:41

Yup, DH and I split at 30, I'm with someone new now trying for a baby at 33. It all worked out.

Choux · 22/06/2021 01:51

OP why don't you tell him you want to start a family now and if he doesn't then you don't see a future with him. See how he reacts to this.

Tell him this. Give him a chance to see what is going to happen now he's downgraded his 'does' want kids to 'might' want kids. He may have a rethink but if he still says he isn't sure about kids then at least you know.

At 31 you still have time to leave, deal with the grief, then throw yourself into single life and meet someone new. Someone who wants what you want at the pace you want it. Unfortunately your current partner doesn't seem at the same stage as you.

Harriedharriet · 22/06/2021 01:51

Run, don't walk.

My brother did this to a wonderful woman. She left him but too late. He is now doing it again. He moves the goal posts everytime she brings it up. Just a tiny bit. It keeps her hanging on, and it is heartbreaking.

Your man will not change.

Let go and grab your future.

UsedUpUsername · 22/06/2021 01:52

So much time if you leave him now. So many sad stories here of men who string long-term partners along for years but then dump them for marriage/children with someone else.

Don’t let that happen to you

Aquamarine1029 · 22/06/2021 01:52

Fucking hell, op, you're only 31. The time to be running for the hills is NOW. You have many years left to have the family you want, so don't waste another day. Your partner has been bullshitting and future faking you for 12 years. It's time to go, right now.

lakesummer · 22/06/2021 01:55

31 is enough time to leave, grieve and then find someone to have dc with.

You actually have plenty of time for this.

YouokHun · 22/06/2021 01:56

My SIL spent from age 28 with someone who said “yes I definitely want children” in fact she says he was the driving force on the subject. then when she was 32 he said “yes, but I just need a bit of time to get promoted, financially stable blah blah”. When she was 35 he was less willing to be drawn on the subject and when she gave him an ultimatum when she was pushing 37 he said he’d never wanted them. She dithered a bit, the Sunk Cost Fallacy as mentioned by a PP got in the way. At 38 she was single with no children.

He met and married someone within six months of their split who was already pregnant. He ended up with two children he said he never wanted, she missed the boat. She has a lovely DH and is happy but always says she should have seen the writing on the wall at 32, which would have left her plenty of time.

I didn’t even meet my DH until I was 32. I have teenage children now and at 54 I see the long term partner I had until 30 as a bullet dodged though at the time I was devastated. It’s really tough but listen to the voice telling you what you really want and make the changes you need to make. Don’t live your life doing what he wants.

Aquamarine1029 · 22/06/2021 01:57

I know you don't comprehend this, but you are so, so young. You'll realise how young 31 is in the years to come, trust me. Get out of this dead end relationship now or you will have nothing but regrets. Leave today if you can.

QueenBee52 · 22/06/2021 02:15

Leave NOW 🌸

Have your Children with someone who shares your Dreams. 💕

PiersPlowman · 22/06/2021 02:20

@Lostat30

OP, you have spent the last twelve years together childless. I think we can infer from your husband's past conduct the likely path this relatinship will take if left to continue. Furthermore, in the unlikely event you do have a child together, he will almost certainly be a disinterested father.

Neither of you is wrong, but you do have different, and irreconcilable, life goals. In your shoes, I would be seriously considering ending the relationship as amicably as possible.

I am also going to go against the other posters in one respect. Yes, you are only 31, but should you leave your husband you will most likely want some time to yourself to do a bit of soul searching (I would!). It will then take you time to find and settle in with someone who you care about and with whom you share similar goals. All this could take four, five years if you are doing due diligence, by which time you will be 35~36. Still young enough to have children, no doubt, but a) it becomes more difficult to conceive, and b) the risk of congenital birth defects - though small - rises considerably. You'll want to do NIPT testing which does not come cheap. And if your pregnancy isn't textbook a lot of clinics will want to pass you off on someone else.

I don't mean to sound too negative - I am sure you will have a healthy child in the future - just be aware you may have to jump through a few hoops to get there.