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Original poster

OH no longer wants children

410 replies

Lostat30 · 22/06/2021 01:11

Hi

Ive been with my partner 12 years, he initially wanted children "in the future". In the future is now here and he no longer wants them.

Im in my thirties and i feel like my ship has sailed. I am so heartbroken over the future i will never have. I currently feel like i wont get over him and maybe i should just stay and forget children...

Has anyone started over again (sucessfully) in their 30s when they still loved their OH?

OP posts:
justanotherneighinparadise · 22/06/2021 06:19

Go. He’ll keep you dangling for another 10 years then leave and have children with the first woman he meets. Happens ALL THE TIME.

MargosKaftan · 22/06/2021 06:19

Leave.

You've spent most of your adult life with him and he has not been truthful about thr life he wanted with you.

Spend some time getting over this and look to date again.

He also needs some time to think about what he wants from life so he doesn't do this to another woman.

SD1978 · 22/06/2021 06:22

You're 31, most definitely haven't had that ship sail as it were, but yes, a decision does need to be made, do you accept no with another maybe dangled at you, or you leave and hope to find someone else. Kids can never be a compromise, there is no semi having one. If he's a hard no and you're a hard yes, then the next step is 100% yours.

PiersPlowman · 22/06/2021 06:26

@tillytown

Neither of you is wrong, but you do have different, and irreconcilable, life goals. He lied to her for 12 years, he is very much in the wrong.
@tillytown

You are being unreasonable. At nineteen it is very difficult for most of us to make a firm commitmen to starting a family, and I might add, that a man is entitled to change his mind.

The OP could have dealt with this better by setting a timeline, something like "I would like to have a child before I am thirty. If, later, you are not committed to starting a family by then, we need to reconsider our relationship." However, all is not lost. It sounds like she is finally grasping the nettle.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/06/2021 06:27

Leave him and move on. I know it's easy to say and less easy to do, but if you really want kids and he really doesn't, then you are no longer compatible and you can't waste your life and your fertile years on him any longer.

I didn't meet DH til I was 36 - had DC1 at 40 and DC2 at 45. Not ideal but that was the timing! (Had MCs between DC1 and 2)

I have a friend who was with a woman for 3 years - he knew he was never going to marry or have kids with her, but she was less aware - she gave him an ultimatum in the run up to her 30th birthday, but at least he was honest with her. They split and she went on to find someone else.

You are 31 - that's still young, you know - but I really wouldn't waste any more time on this one. I do like the term "future faker" - it does completely encompass the whole feel of these men who string you along until it's potentially too late.

Best of luck - and yeah sure, you still love him, but in another 10 years when it genuinely IS too late, will you still love him then? Probably not, if you bitterly resent him stealing your fertile years.

Divebar2021 · 22/06/2021 06:28

I don’t think he’s lied to her for 12 years. I think he probably assumed like lots of people that he would want kids down the road which is what he said. At some point he started to feel comfortable child free and began questioning whether children were actually for him or not… this is the point he should have been honest with the OP. My DH and I didn’t meet til 35 and neither of us were sure we wanted children… I certainly didn’t know. It was when I saw him playing with a friends child that I realised he was a natural - and so it has turned out to be. Lots of people conceive later in their 30s or early 40s nowadays.
My friend left a very beloved partner because he was adamant he didn’t want more children. She knew she did so had to break up. I think there’s a good chance the OP will need to leave too but I don’t think she should be surprised if he goes on to have children elsewhere.

Whatshouldicallme · 22/06/2021 06:32

You are right to be thinking about the future now if you know you want children, but your ship has definitely not sailed at 31. I am in mid-30s and I have plenty of friends who did not meet their partners/get married until early or mid-30s. You still have a few years to find a new partner and then try for children in mid-30s which is perfectly fine. I wouldn't settle at 31 for a partner whose life goals are vastly different to yours. If this has become apparent, leave and start again with someone who wants the same.

CallItLoneliness · 22/06/2021 06:33

I wouldn't actually offer him another chance. You don't want a father who isn't all in, and him having kids to keep you is likely to be a shit outcome for everyone.

whiteroseredrose · 22/06/2021 06:34

You are not too old but this is ultimatum time. You want to try for DC now. If he keeps messing about he's not the man for you and you will find someone else. And mean it.

For me it was marriage that was non negotiable.I met my now DH at 30. By 34 I was married with 1 DC; DD was born when I was 37. Best decision I ever made.

Clickbait · 22/06/2021 06:42

OP, if you leave now you have every chance of having a baby in the future. That ship has definitely not sailed - I hardly know anyone who had a baby in their 20s!

However, every year you stay with him, it becomes less and less likely.

For me personally, this wouldn't be about deception or future faking. He's behaved badly here but, for me, that wouldn't be the main issue. The crux of the matter would simply be that I want to be a mother. Of course it's possible that may never happen for you. But the way to maximise your chances of having one is to leave him now.

Chocolatefreak · 22/06/2021 06:43

You have plenty of time, OP. it also sounds like you aren't married to your partner, which makes things much easier. You have time to spend on your own before embarking on another relationship.

I met my future husband at 34 and had my son at 37. Men will waste your time - I spent five years with someone who was ambivalent about marriage and children and I felt I couldn't handle that lack of enthusiasm. If children are an important life choice for you then find someone who shares your views.

MegsSmeg · 22/06/2021 06:45

I barely know anyone who had met their partner by 31, let alone started having children! Maybe it depends on where you live/your friendship group, but it would be unusual to have settled down and have had kids where I am. You honestly have loads of time. But don't waste any more time staying where you don't want to be. It's hard decision time.

Raindancer411 · 22/06/2021 06:45

I was the same with my ex, found someone new at 30 and had my first at 31 and my 2nd last year at 39...

PassionfruitOrangeGuava · 22/06/2021 06:49

I was in your shoes at 28, yes. He’d always said he wanted kids late twenties until the time came to try or set a date to try and he said he didn’t know when or if he wanted them but definitely not any time soon.

We split, I met DH two weeks later, told him on the first date why my last relationship had ended and that I was planning on children in 2-3yr either with the right person or single and that if that didn’t fit with his life plans then there was no point dating.

Had DS in our third year together, having bought a house, got engaged and got married first.

You HAVE to walk. You have a choice between staying in a relationship that will breed resentment and misery watching your friends all have babies while you feel held back by him, or taking a leap, healing, dating and being upfront about your life plans. Things can move quickly when you’re a bit older. You still have time but I wouldn’t be wasting a week of it more with this man.

Windmillwhirl · 22/06/2021 06:50

As sad as you feel, if you want children you leave this man. Now. Don't waste your time hoping he will come around. He has repeatedly shifted the goalposts.

Be thankful you know the truth now as he could have dragged this out much longer.

At 31 you have time.

Roselilly36 · 22/06/2021 06:53

It’s a total non negotiable OP. I have two DS’ who are grown up now, I have loved every minute of being their mum. You want children, I know for me once I decided I desperately wanted them. I really feel for you. But if this man doesn’t want children, he isn’t the man for you. Good luck, remember things always work out in the end however bleak you might think your situation is now.

thinkingaboutLangCleg · 22/06/2021 06:54

You love him now, OP, but if staying with him stops you having children your love will die away. Don’t condemn yourself to years of resentment before the inevitable split — when he may well go on to have children with someone else. Best to sort it out now, give him a short time to reconsider, then move on.

You get over the pain of a break-up, even after 12 years. Longing for a baby is a deeper pain, and longer lasting.

Forgothowmuchlhatehomeschoolin · 22/06/2021 06:55

I was with my ex for 11 years. Split up and met now dh, got pregnant at 34....
It can happen for you but if you stay with this guy, at some point in the future you will resent him and every time he annoys you, this will come up.
What an arse for doing that for 12 years.

heinztomatosoup · 22/06/2021 06:57

Same happened to me at 28, he announced he didn't want children after 7 years of marriage. Turns out it was a cowardly cover story to force me to end the marriage as he was having an affair. I could have forgiven a change of mind (maybe) but this was unforgivable. Happily my 2nd husband and I now need to go and make breakfast for my 3 childrenSmileSmileSmile onwards and upwards

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 22/06/2021 06:59

Oh, and don't for one second think that you can maybe get pg and he'll come around to the idea - he probably won't.

I used to work with a bloke who didn't want kids, but his wife did. I didn't know him well enough to know whether he gave in under pressure to her becoming pregnant, or she got pg "by accident" - but I do know that he left her shortly after the baby was born and went off with another woman at work, who already had 3 older children. He just didn't want to deal with the baby situation. I lost heaps of respect for him when he did that but I was only young then - now I know he's far from alone in that behaviour.

IWantT0BreakFree · 22/06/2021 07:00

I'd leave immediately. If kids are a deal-breaker, he's not the right one.

I'd also be willing to bet good money that if you put your dreams of children aside and stay, he will leave you in a few years (once it's definitely too late for you to start a family with someone else) and he will be married within 12 months to someone in their twenties and they'll have a baby on the way. Seen it so many times. I don't know why they do it but it's 100% "a thing".

OldChinaJug · 22/06/2021 07:01

He might well have believed he wanted children in the future. We are all sold the ideal of getting married and having children. Many people who don't actually want them convince themselves/believe they might at some point in the future.

The problem is that sometimes they don't want them at all and don't realise it believing that their current reticence is because they're just not ready yet.

Maybe he believed that, as many women are often told will happen, they will hit a point when they do want them and that point just hasn't arrived.

People who don't want or are ambivalent about having children often just don't think about it so it only comes up for them when it's mentioned by someone else at which point they haven't given it much consideration since the last time it was mentioned.

The OP clearly went along with the idea of "in the future" without having a proper discussion about timelines but now its definitely time to have that conversation.

Plus a lot of men don't consider the implications of changes in fertility for women or fully understand it. At 31, you're still young. Fears of declining fertility aren't even on their radar.

It isn't too late but the conversation needs to be had now.

AutoGroup · 22/06/2021 07:05

I think you have to go. Whether you get your children or not (and you very well could) how can you stay with someone who has lied over something so important for 12 years?

You potentially have another 60 years with someone who let you down so badly if you stay.

AutoGroup · 22/06/2021 07:08

@IWantT0BreakFree

I'd leave immediately. If kids are a deal-breaker, he's not the right one.

I'd also be willing to bet good money that if you put your dreams of children aside and stay, he will leave you in a few years (once it's definitely too late for you to start a family with someone else) and he will be married within 12 months to someone in their twenties and they'll have a baby on the way. Seen it so many times. I don't know why they do it but it's 100% "a thing".

Yes, this is surprisingly common in my experience too. Unfortunately what men often seem to mean is they don't want children with the current partner, not that they don't want them at all.
Standrewsschool · 22/06/2021 07:10

@Susannahmoody

The script. He'll be wed with kids to someone else soon. Not sure why op, I don't know why, but that's what often happen. Men are odd. It's not you.

Cut your losses and leave.

Why does that always happen?!

I agree, leave. You’ll resent him if you stay with him.

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