OH no longer wants children

[Lostat30]

Hi

Ive been with my partner 12 years, he initially wanted children "in the future". In the future is now here and he no longer wants them.

Im in my thirties and i feel like my ship has sailed. I am so heartbroken over the future i will never have. I currently feel like i wont get over him and maybe i should just stay and forget children...

Has anyone started over again (sucessfully) in their 30s when they still loved their OH?

Having been with him since 19, I guess leaving feels very daunting. But it will be ok! You do have time to meet someone new and have children with them. Even if it never happens because of infertility/ bad luck, you'll feel better that you gave it a shot.

In my group of long term friends we nearly all met our DHs late twenties to 30s and only two had babies in their (late) twenties - this was around 25 years ago.

Find your anger OP. He has mucked you about for years. Thank goodness you're only 31, but you must leave him NOW if you want kids.

31 is still really young. No one in my nct group is under 35 (we are in London where people do things a little later). I met DH at 34. If you don’t want the same things you need to leave. You deserve someone who cherishes you and wants the things you want.

Unfortunately I have lots of friends who had long term boyfriend who kept them hanging on. These men ultimately left and most found new women they did want to marry and have children with. You need to get out while time is on your side.

I left my partner for this reason, in my mid 30s. I tried to convince myself I could happy with a child free life, because I loved him and didn’t think I’d ever meet anyone else I loved as much. We had a great life together.
The tipping point came one Sunday. It was a lovely day, he’d been out for a bike ride, and was pottering in the garden. He was so happy, and I knew that this was all he wanted, and that he would be content with this life for ever. But for me there was a gaping hole, and I knew that in time I would resent him, and then hate him - and then we wouldn’t have a relationship anyway.
It was very hard but I left. I now have kids and a partner. He met and married someone who didn’t want children either, and as far as I know they’re happy together.
No regrets.

You're plenty young enough to leave, meet someone else and have everything you want.

My BIL strung a lovely woman along until they were both in their late thirties. He met someone else and had two children in quick succession. Happens all the time. Don't let that happen to you

To go against the grain of the 'you've got plenty of time' sentiment. I thought that at 31 and here I am, still single at 39. I've had a few dalliances but I haven't met anyone I've really wanted to settle down and marry. In hindsight I maybe would've put more effort in and not just assumed it would happen but hindsight is a fabulous thing.

Luckily I don't want children anymore but don't think it's a given that you'll meet someone a year later like some PP's.

So on that note yes leave him. Time is of the essence.

That wasn't your piss on your parade btw! More don't waste another second on this man.

Well, at least you know now how the position is. It will be hard to leave someone after a long time together, but if you don't give yourself that chance to meet someone else who does want a family, you'll end up simmering with resentment forever more.

My nephew and his wife split up a year or so after their wedding, as they realised that one did still want children but the other spouse had a change of mind/heart and no longer did. It's sad but at least there was honesty and integrity there, separating meant that the spouse who did want children is free to find another partner who also does. These things do happen. And that's a lot better than stringing someone along with "I do want them but I'm not ready just yet" for years when they know perfectly well they don't want children.

It'll be hard to walk, but this guy is not right for you any more, nothing will change that. Time to move on!

Agree with pps, you’ve got time and staying with this man could end up with you being understandably resentful and it not working out. I’ve also seen the man who didn’t want kids having a baby with a new partner within a year - numerous times. I think it might happen partly because the new relationship is in the romantic stage and he’s more likely to do whatever she wants. But it’s so painful for the woman who’s been strung along.

My ex was similar and would have strung me along, but he agreed when I said it was a dealbreaker for me. In other words, I kind of pressured him into it, although he was saying he did want it, he would have happily put it off forever. The problem with that is then he could just say “well you wanted kids” if I wanted him to do his share. He became more passive aggressive and lazy and we ended up separating anyway. I’m a lot happier without him but being a single parent is a hard slog and I feel bad about putting my kids through all that.

You are in a good position being 31 - take your time and give it some thought

Go now. You still have time. Do not hesitate; your children are waiting for you.

@tillytown or he changed his mind. That's allowed. The OP was 19 when they got together, how old was he? OP is now 31, plenty of time to find someone who wants kids.

Time to leave, the resentment will build up. You have every chance of achieving your dream if you leave now but it sounds like no chance if you stay.

Don’t live your life in a way you don’t want to just to keep a man. There are other men out there. You won’t get another life. He can’t really care much about your feelings to string you along with lies all this time. Dump and move on.

Don’t be posting this same thing at 38. That feeling you have that is telling you that something is wrong, listen to it.

You are better off on the shelf than in the wrong cupboard.

All the best.

Thank you all for your replies

"The OP could have dealt with this better by setting a timeline, something like "I would like to have a child before I am thirty. If, later, you are not committed to starting a family by then, we need to reconsider our relationship." However, all is not lost. It sounds like she is finally grasping the nettle"

In reply to the comment above - I had this conversation with him and he kept informing me he wanted children but not yet and would get visibly upset informing me how much he loves me, how ill be an amazing mother etc. He would then send me photos of baby things etc, pictures of prams, baby names, nursery ideas etc.

I informed him my cut off was 30. He suggested trying when I turned 30 then backtracked again, well I'm now 31 and still here

I've had the ultimatum conversation a couple times but he gets upset and then I shelve it. It feels impossible to untangle myself right now as 12 years is such a long time, we haven't fell out of love and he is still my best friend. He isn't a twat, i kinda wish he was so leaving him wouldn't feel so hard right now.

Is your partner a similar age to you? I think it's perfectly normal to not be sure in your late teens/ twenties whether or not you will want children but might want them at some point in the future. This is nothing to do with lying but just to do with life stages.

At 19 I didn't want children. At 25 I would have said "sometime in the future, maybe, not sure". By 30 I did want actively want a child.

If I'd been with the same partner throughout and voiced my changing opinions this wouldn't be me lying or stringing them along, but simply reflecting the way that I had changed.

But agree that if OP wants a child now, and her partner isn't sure then she has to decide whether to move on without him or wait and see if his opinions change. Which they might or might not. Being together from 19-31 it's likely that you have simply grown to have different views about the way your future life should be.

I had my first child at 39. Loads of people do these days. I wasn't the oldest mum at the school gates - loads of mums were my contemporaries.

But I would leave him now over such a huge issue, heartbreaking as it is. Do NOT give up your longing for children over a man. Some men change their minds at fifty, ditch the woman who sacrificed her chance and shack up with a younger woman and have children.

If you have to ask the question, you already know the answer. If you really do want children and never get them you’ll resent him forever, which will probably end up dooming the relationship anyway - but you’ll be 10 or 15 years further down the line and your fertility window will be gone.

Firstly, speak to your partner and lay it down straight. Also speak to a trusted friend or family member that has their head screwed on. It’s all well and good asking strangers on the internet, but we don’t know you or your OH.

In terms of your age, I know so so many people who have split up with long term partners/husbands in their early thirties and gone on to start a family with someone new. Just be mindful that years can flash by in the blink of an eye, so I’d make your decision sooner rather than later.

@Lostat30

I'm 31, I've discussed this numerous times with him and his answer tends to the the same that he "might" want them in the future, it used to be that he "does" want them but it changed when i decided i was ready. That's not a good enough answer anymore for me :(

I only met my husband when I was your age and we didn't have DC until 6 years later! You have plenty of time to meet someone else. Even if you were 39 (and didn't have any fertility issues) you'd still be in with a decent chance to meet someone else and start a family. Don't sell yourself short, if you want children you are too young to give up on that idea.

You are young and you are very likely to meet someone else who will want children. This guy doesn't want children. Leave him to it, I wouldn't issue any ultimatums, just move on

If you want kids bail now while you’ve got time to meet someone and ttc.

Leave.

You’re 31 and have plenty of time. I met my DH (by accident I hasten to add) three weeks after I left my first H. Four years later, I’m remarried with a baby.

Do. Not. Waste. Another. Minute. On. This. Man.

Leave him. You don't want the same things - if you were single and just had your first date with him, this would be a deal-breaker. if you left him you might meet someone else and become a mother, if you stay with him you won't. I doubt that he's only just come to the conclusion that he never wants kids either, and if that's the case, he's deceitful too.

He's messed you about. On the most important thing in some women's lives. Some don't want to be mothers. Some don't mind. Some really do care, and that's your position.

So, now. Harden your heart against him, whatever tenderness is left. Do it now. Leave him. Start again, looking at men specifically for what you need.

Don't invest any more time in this man. If he'd had any intention of making you pregnant, you'd be a mother by now. I'd also be very wary if he discovers you're leaving and comes up with the spunk. Would you want to be tied to him, knowing he's actually unwilling?

31 is young but old enough to have worked out what matters to you. So you're at the perfect time of life to make sensible decisions for your future.

Run.

I left exh at 32 and had ds with now dh at nearly 34.