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Original poster

OH no longer wants children

410 replies

Lostat30 · 22/06/2021 01:11

Hi

Ive been with my partner 12 years, he initially wanted children "in the future". In the future is now here and he no longer wants them.

Im in my thirties and i feel like my ship has sailed. I am so heartbroken over the future i will never have. I currently feel like i wont get over him and maybe i should just stay and forget children...

Has anyone started over again (sucessfully) in their 30s when they still loved their OH?

OP posts:
whatcangowrong · 22/06/2021 08:10

I didn’t even meet my husband until I was 33 and I have a child and trying for another. Quicker the pull the plaster off the better your chances of getting what you want.

PraiseBee · 22/06/2021 08:12

If he had your best interests at heart and knows how much you want children he should be leaving you and letting you find someone to have children with. However, I personally would want to be in charge of my own destiny.

KitKatLife101 · 22/06/2021 08:12

I agree with you and was going to say exactly that! She’ll finish their relationship and he’ll end up married with kids not long after !!!

PassionfruitOrangeGuava · 22/06/2021 08:12

I don’t buy though that he genuinely passionately wanted children that whole time. He will have had some doubts and kept them to himself as he didn’t want to lose you. You don’t go from sending nursery ideas and telling your partner they’ll be a great mum to a sudden realisation you don’t want kids overnight. So he might not be a total twat, but he’s been dishonest. He’s withheld valuable information from you that you needed to plan your life.

Having said that, the knowing he doesn’t want a child doesn’t make him a twat, nor does changing his mind. This is the best possible outcome given the situation. You know now and you’re young enough to move on easily.

I will say that even if you still love him, I always knew personally that as much as I loved my ex I would love my future child more. I just knew no guy would be worth giving up on the chance to have that moment where my baby was placed on my chest: you don’t have to hate him to leave him. You just need to want a child more.

Peachee · 22/06/2021 08:13

Aww yeh definitely a deal breaker. I’m so sorry you are having to go through this and have had to put up with it.
Will take lots of courage but you need to do it for yourself xxxx

Sjdmcfeet · 22/06/2021 08:14

31 is nothing OP
I had my DD at 34 , I'm 36 now so won't Likely have another one
I think now you know you want different things and children are so important to you the relationship needs to end ASAP to allow you the best opportunity to meet somebody else whom wants the same as you

1starwars2 · 22/06/2021 08:20

He doesn't think you will leave though OP.
It's only an ultimatum if you mean it.
He is taking away your chance to have children and has lied to you. He is a twat.

bunnypenny · 22/06/2021 08:21

you have plenty of time at 31! but don't waste your 30s (or anymore of your life) with someone who you are incompatible with on a fundamental level as the resentment will grow.

i spent my 30s making horribly unsuitable dating choices, and didn't ever see myself having kids. Then once i sorted myself out, i met my husband at 38, married at 39, had my son at 40, daughter at 42 and am now pregnant (unplanned, but not unwanted!) with number 3 at 43. i never foresaw that i would have 3 under 3 at 43 but here we are.

Swebby · 22/06/2021 08:21

@OldChinaJug

He might well have believed he wanted children in the future. We are all sold the ideal of getting married and having children. Many people who don't actually want them convince themselves/believe they might at some point in the future.

The problem is that sometimes they don't want them at all and don't realise it believing that their current reticence is because they're just not ready yet.

Maybe he believed that, as many women are often told will happen, they will hit a point when they do want them and that point just hasn't arrived.

People who don't want or are ambivalent about having children often just don't think about it so it only comes up for them when it's mentioned by someone else at which point they haven't given it much consideration since the last time it was mentioned.

The OP clearly went along with the idea of "in the future" without having a proper discussion about timelines but now its definitely time to have that conversation.

Plus a lot of men don't consider the implications of changes in fertility for women or fully understand it. At 31, you're still young. Fears of declining fertility aren't even on their radar.

It isn't too late but the conversation needs to be had now.

This makes so much more sense to me than thinking that someone could deliberately and willfully string along a person they want to spend the rest of their lives with for 12 YEARS, about something that person has been very clear on.
Its90minutestonight · 22/06/2021 08:21

He sent you photos of baby things?! Future faking shit.

Veterinari · 22/06/2021 08:22

Ultimatums are useless if you don't follow through. He's comfortable. He knows he's changed the goalposts and you're still there. So he has no incentive to prioritise your needs.

He's been dishonest and manipulative. That is not the action of a nice man

secondspringing · 22/06/2021 08:23

He's behaving like a twat. Doesn't mean he is a twat in all areas of his marriage. But this is a major area to be a twat in. And now he knows your boundaries aren't your boundaries. He has no reason to start ttc as he knows you won't leave anyway. He knows he can put himself before you. Keep you hanging on as long as he likes, without really caring what its doing to you. And he is. All he needs to do is cry and make a scene to put you back in the box of putting him first. That's what he is doing.

If you want kids leave. He's not your best friend. If a woman dicked you about in such an intimate area of your life you would stop being their friend.

What you want in life is children. Put you life first and find someone who shares and supports what you want in life.

Allthingspeaches · 22/06/2021 08:23

My friend exH future faked with her until she was 40. She left him and adopted a beautiful little girl.

Your partner has finally been honest now you need to decide if he's worth keeping and never having children or get rid of him and find someone who wants the same things you do. You're not too old, you've got time to find the right guy. Or do it on your own if you prefer.

Nightbear · 22/06/2021 08:25

’It feels impossible to untangle myself right now as 12 years is such a long time, we haven't fell out of love and he is still my best friend’

You’re 31. If you leave now you have plenty of time to meet someone else and have children. The longer you wait, the harder that will be.

If he genuinely ‘isn’t a twat’ then he needs to stop stringing you along while your fertility window is closing. No more delays, no more ‘next year’. If he doesn’t want children he needs to let you go.

BeeBobny · 22/06/2021 08:25

I had two of my friends going through this in their early thirties. Both divorced, and both are now married with children in their early 40s. Wanting a family is something you can't compromise on. You will be fine if you leave now.

QueeniesCroft · 22/06/2021 08:26

Sending pictures of baby things and talking about names etc was cruel, unless he intended to start trying more-or-less immediately.

I don't think it matters if he's stringing you along on purpose, OP, and I'd love to see a happy ending here for the two of you. I just can't see how that is possible. It's really sad for you, of course, but I think you know that you can either have him or a baby.

secondspringing · 22/06/2021 08:26

This makes so much more sense to me than thinking that someone could deliberately and willfully string along a person they want to spend the rest of their lives with for 12 YEARS, about something that person has been very clear on

Its not so much that he has deliberately strung her along, just that he doesn't think about her enough to care about her or what she wants from her life. He cares about what she brings to HIS life sure. That's why he cries when she says she'll leave him. But he's not really thinking about what her life means to her. And that's no kind of man to be with.

speakout · 22/06/2021 08:27

I was in the same position OP.
My OH kept telling me that he would want children at some point, but he was just not ready. I waited until I was 35. Hewas the love of my life.
We were actually out with friends when the subject of children came up, OH announced " I never want children- ever".
I was heartbroken.
I did one of the hardest things I have ever had to do and left him.
I felt that he was my soulmate, but I so wanted to have kids. But I did not want him to go into parenthood reluctantly- I wished he could be enthusiastic, but it was not to be..
Shortly afterwards I did meet a new partner who did want a family and a few short years later we had two amazing children. I had my first at 38.
Interestingly my ex married soon after- and had a baby of his own.
I guess I wasn't the soulmate for that man after all.

ItsAboutTimeForANameChange · 22/06/2021 08:28

I met my husband when I was 33, now 38 and expecting DC2. 31 is not too late to start over

VettiyaIruken · 22/06/2021 08:29

Stop pretending you're giving him ultimatums for a start. You've already shown him that all he has to do is turn on the waterworks, tell you how great you are and show you a picture of a baby and you'll back down. Don't you see how manipulative he is?

He probably hasn't lied to you for 12 years. It's entirely possible he thought he would want kids later, most people assume that. But he has strung you along for at least a few years and you don't have unlimited fertile years!
You need to make a decision and follow through.

Can you be happily childless because you love him more than you want children? Will you resent him for all the things you'll never experience?

Thebookswereherfriends · 22/06/2021 08:30

I know someone who met, married and had had 3 kids between the age of 38 and 42! You have plenty of time, but you need to dump this man who has deceived and led you on with a false promise.

Booboobadoo · 22/06/2021 08:33

Hmmm, so you're not even allowed to talk about it as he finds it upsetting...

I let myself be strung along by a future faker. He split up with me and his new partner was pregnant within a year. I was older than you and did have DC in my late 30s. The outcome was okay and I'm very grateful for my DC, but I wish I had looked out for myself and got away from him sooner. Went through a lot of heartache wondering when he would decide the time was right. I gave him all my power.

VaguelyInteresting · 22/06/2021 08:33

This happened to my friend.
She stayed with him, and ended up childless and single in her late forties, and has been ever since.

Her ex basically ruined her life.

I know what she’d say to you.... and it’s not “give it time”.

Newmum110 · 22/06/2021 08:34

If you really want a child you will never forgive him for this. I met my husband at 33 & we are now expecting a baby. You still have plenty of time, years infact. I would be ending the relationship asap & getting on with your life.

Zeev · 22/06/2021 08:36

Leave now. You still have plenty of time to meet someone new and have a family, but if you stay you'll see that the years go by fast. Don't let the sunk cost fallacy to keep you in a relationship where you now know that you're not on the same page.

Only stay if you decide you no longer WANT children, at all. Because otherwise you will resent him, no matter how much you love him.

I have some friends this "not yet, not yet, not yet, not ever" has happened to. Lovely women who waited and waited and waited until they were in their late 30s or their early 40s and then it was too late. And in two cases the husband decided at 43-45 that he DOES want kids after all and traded the wife for a younger model.