OH no longer wants children

[Lostat30]

Hi

Ive been with my partner 12 years, he initially wanted children "in the future". In the future is now here and he no longer wants them.

Im in my thirties and i feel like my ship has sailed. I am so heartbroken over the future i will never have. I currently feel like i wont get over him and maybe i should just stay and forget children...

Has anyone started over again (sucessfully) in their 30s when they still loved their OH?

Another vote for “run away now”. Don’t waste any more of your time on this man. You do have time, but you don’t have forever. Don’t waste any more time on someone who has shown you he doesn’t want the same things as you do.

You can do this Op. and to be honest if he was a decent guy he would be making the decision for you and ending it. Decent partners don’t expect their partner to forego their life long dream. They recognise they are incompatible and separate with a minimum of fuss.

Please leave. At least then you have the chance of kids.

It's a really sad situation, OP. I think my observation would be, people don't typically get upset discussing the possibility of future children they actually want to have. I think it's pretty clear that he doesn't want children. And the potentially relationship-ending consequences of that are upsetting, so I'm not surprised those conversations have been difficult. But I think your next step needs to be having that conversation again and not stepping back when it starts to get an emotional response. It's an emotional topic, so go into it knowing that's how he'll react - but do go into it again. You can't put your future on hold forever.

And an ultimatum is the worst idea ever. It’s another human being’s life you’re talking about here. If he doesn’t want a child don’t try persuade him into one. Having a baby is one of the most challenging and difficult things you can face as a couple, doing it with a reluctant parent who wasn’t actively keen on it is a recipe for disaster in so many ways.

@PassionfruitOrangeGuava

And an ultimatum is the worst idea ever. It’s another human being’s life you’re talking about here. If he doesn’t want a child don’t try persuade him into one. Having a baby is one of the most challenging and difficult things you can face as a couple, doing it with a reluctant parent who wasn’t actively keen on it is a recipe for disaster in so many ways.

Yeah agreed

I wish people would stop telling you that you have plenty of time because for some of us our fertility decreases in our thirties. I had my first baby in my twenties then struggled to conceive in my thirties, whilst I know this isn’t common I wouldn’t want anyone to go through the devastation I did. Pack a bag and leave today - he is being unbelievably cruel doing this to you. Wanting and being unable to have a child is the most devastating thing that can happen to you.

Got rid of a toxic ex at 33. Met my DF at 34, pregnant at 37, now due our first in a few months at 38.

It can happen but you have to find the strength to leave as others say and you are still young.

I’m sorry you are in this position OP. I always knew I wanted children and made it clear when I met my DH when I was 32. After a couple of years of going out together I gave him an ultimatum and said he either committed to me and a future involving marriage/babies etc or I would have to leave. Luckily he committed but if he hadn’t I’d definitely have walked away because even though I loved him, I just couldn’t have given up on the idea of having children. If you feel that maternal urge then don’t ignore it or you might live to regret it. You still have plenty of time but act now.

Yes. I left a man I adored aged 36 as he was so ambivalent. Now TTC with a man who wants the same thing and it feels great. I can be done!

@Rainbowqueeen

You can do this Op. and to be honest if he was a decent guy he would be making the decision for you and ending it. Decent partners don’t expect their partner to forego their life long dream. They recognise they are incompatible and separate with a minimum of fuss. Please leave. At least then you have the chance of kids.

This was what happened with my ex at 28.

He actually was the one to end it as he recognise we just didn’t want the same things and I’d resent him forever.

I was still trying to convince myself I’d be fine without kids for another few years, that he would come around, that if it came to it I’d rather be with him. It was just fear of the unknown and of losing him and having to move and be single again and all that.

Within two days, no exaggeration, I was relieved he’d been the one to pull the trigger and so thankful it was over and looking forward to the future. If he hadn’t done it then I would have done it soon after. The pain of watching friends get pregnant and have babies was just too great. It used to make me feel sick seeing friends whose partners wanted kids or who were so proud of their babies, just left me distraught wondering what was wrong with him for not wanting this family I knew would be so amazing. I was just so inside my own head.

Of course I was wrong and stupid and looking back I am so so glad that we split up. Nothing worse than being in a relationship watching your fertile years ebb away... other than the worst case scenario of a baby arriving to a parent who doesn’t actually want them :(

Last thing I’ll say OP, is that the most important gift you can give your future child is who you choose to be their father (in opposite sex relationships, not talking about solo parents by choice). That really stuck with me and it’s so true. It affects almost everything in their lives. Look at the emotional problems people experience with absent or uninterested fathers. The comparative lack of resources and support. Don’t saddle your babies with a man who doesn’t want them. He might come around and be a decent father but it’s a hell of a gamble to take with someone else’s life.

I was in an 11 year old relationship with somebody which broke down after I discovered he had been cheating. I was 33 at the time. I then met my DH at the age of 37, got married at 39 and had our DD at the age of 41.

I left my EXH at 32. He was also a 'future faker' although not with children. There were just certain things I wanted out of life that he would always tell me he wanted and we would do some day, but that day never came. Eventually it became obvious he didn't really want all that stuff, but I needed it and my life wasn't what I wanted and needed it to be. It was hard because there was still a lot of love there, but it was absolutely the right thing as I was starting to really resent him for it and blaming him for me being miserable and my life not being what I wanted it to be. But really we just wanted different things.
We were 32 when I split. I met someone 6 months after we split and at 34 I'm now 6 months pregnant.

Don't get into the sunken fallacy trap if thinking because you've been together so long that you need to stay together. That's how you whittle away years of your life.

@PassionfruitOrangeGuava

And an ultimatum is the worst idea ever. It’s another human being’s life you’re talking about here. If he doesn’t want a child don’t try persuade him into one. Having a baby is one of the most challenging and difficult things you can face as a couple, doing it with a reluctant parent who wasn’t actively keen on it is a recipe for disaster in so many ways.

It was an ultimatum for an answer as I informed him I need him to be 100 % in, so if he knows he does not want children, I need to know so we can pull the plaster off. However he would say he does but he's not ready yet, even told me he was ready at one point!

I know I need to leave him, its just such a hard step to take 😪

@user1471462428

I wish people would stop telling you that you have plenty of time because for some of us our fertility decreases in our thirties. I had my first baby in my twenties then struggled to conceive in my thirties, whilst I know this isn’t common I wouldn’t want anyone to go through the devastation I did. Pack a bag and leave today - he is being unbelievably cruel doing this to you. Wanting and being unable to have a child is the most devastating thing that can happen to you.

I think people are trying to be kind and let OP see she has time to try still... rather than be hopeless and think it’s too late so she might as well stay with him.

But you’re right of course. At 31, knowing it takes time to meet someone, date, see how it goes, try, carry a pregnancy, given that it takes time for all of the above... it doesn’t leave much margin for error, or time to resolve issues if you end up with fertility problems. That should galvanise OP into action. She doesn’t have forever and should be aggressively protective over these fertile years.

Children are wonderful, but they represent lots of time, money and emotion. There’s so much love, but it requires a great deal of sacrifice too.

At 31 you have lots time to find a partner or decide to go solo and have children on your own. Don’t drag a reluctant partner on the journey with you. It sounds disastrous.

I currently feel like i wont get over him and maybe i should just stay and forget children...

That's too big a compromise to make. You'll resent it forever and it will probably break you up eventually, by which time it may well be too late to have a family with someone else.

It's also possible that his recent reluctance to confirm that he does want children in the next 2-3 years max may well mean that he is no longer a committed to the relationship as he once was. If he is having any niggling doubts then obviously that's the last thing he wants to discuss and doesn't want to give you false hope. Perhaps he's already gradually checking out of the relationship.

I'm 31, I've discussed this numerous times with him and his answer tends to the the same that he "might" want them in the future, it used to be that he "does" want them but it changed when i decided i was ready. That's not a good enough answer anymore for me.

Then you need to leave and the sooner the better. While 31 is not exactly 'nothing' in reproductive terms, it is still young. You have plenty of time but every year you drag this out is another year that a man who might want children with you is settling down and having them with someone else. Eventually all the good ones with no baggage and no fear of commitment are gone.

I understand.

Anything less than a ‘Yes, I want kids, and I’m ready’ is the wrong answer in that case.

He’s already pushed it back once and at 31 he can’t say when he wants to try.

Anyway, you know you have to leave. I just hope emotionally you become able and ready to before too much more time passes. These years are really, really important if you’re sure you want children. Don’t throw another month and another egg away on a relationship with an expiration date.

Run now.

He doesn't want children with you.

If you dump him you may do his future girlfriends a favour as he may sort his shit out. Otherwise he will be that guy in his 50s who finally has a child with a woman in her late 30s after screwing over one or two more woman.

Also with the next guys you date make it crystal clear you want children in the next year or two in the first 3 dates. If they don't answer that they positively want them then dump them and move on to the next guy.

I currently feel like i wont get over him and maybe i should just stay and forget children...

It’s tempting but I think you’ll find that as time goes by you will resent him and feel less and less in love with him, knowing he is essentially holding you back from kids. Even if you recognise that you’re actively choosing him over children.

Personally I felt like it was better to be single and available to meet someone than in that relationship as I at least had a chance of having a child. I just didn’t with him.

Every time I saw a friend announce a pregnancy or saw a baby bump out and about my heart sank. It was excruciating. I can’t tell you how worth it the pain of that relationship ending was. To finally be the person announcing my pregnancy, holding my bump, and holding my child. It’s worth more than any man or relationship on the planet.

Childless and not by choice here....difficult one.
If he was genuinely lying to keep you around then do not walk away, run away.
He may be ambivalent about kids, people can be. It doesn't make them bad people but if you can't agree on such a HUGE thing, then yes maybe he's not the partner for you.
Bottom line if he's not lying and manipulating you is do you want kids more than you want him?
When it became evident that childen were not going to happen for late DH and I, we discussed it. At the time, some 40 years ago, assisted methods were even more horrendous to get through than now and with not as good a success rate. For various reasons we ruled out adoption. I knew absolutely that I would choose DH over children every time no doubts and he was the same so we decided to not even go down the investigations route. It was the right decision for us and neither of us ever regretted it. I still don't.
So assuming he's not a lying manipulative sod, that's the question....which do you want more?
Oh and please please don't go out there focussed on getting a father for your kids. that's not a good basis for a loving and secure relationship unless you just want a sperm donor.
PS yes...ultimatum, dreadful idea.

@PassionfruitOrangeGuava

And an ultimatum is the worst idea ever. It’s another human being’s life you’re talking about here. If he doesn’t want a child don’t try persuade him into one. Having a baby is one of the most challenging and difficult things you can face as a couple, doing it with a reluctant parent who wasn’t actively keen on it is a recipe for disaster in so many ways.

An ultimatum doesn’t mean persuading him to have a baby against his wishes. If he is a responsible adult it will focus his mind and make him think seriously about whether he really wants to be a father, not just go along with the idea because he’s being pressured.

Obviously men don’t have the same sort of time limits on their fertility so don’t think about in the same way as women do with the biological clocks ticking loudly.

I've had the ultimatum conversation a couple times but he gets upset and then I shelve it. It feels impossible to untangle myself right now as 12 years is such a long time, we haven't fell out of love and he is still my best friend. He isn't a twat, i kinda wish he was so leaving him wouldn't feel so hard right now.

A former colleague of mine did this to his ex wife. He dangled her along, getting upset/not talking when she raised the subject for the "ultimate conversation" until they were late late 30s and he couldn't stall any longer at which point they split acrimoniously. I don't know what happened to her in later years but I do know that whilst he was telling his wife "at some point in the future" he was telling his friends "no kids".

You have a choice. Children with someone else whilst there is still time, or this man who strung you along and no children. Don't delude yourself otherwise.

Get your ducks in a row and get out. I would not waste time with any more ultimatum conversation, its pointless. You do not not not not want to be parenting with a reluctant dad. It's hard enough parenting with someone who wants the same things. Being a parent is not to be missed. You have plenty of time if you leave now. So do it.

You need to realise that he doesn't love you enough. He may well find the right person to get married and have children with. When you do the same you're going to realise he wasn't the right person for you.

Of course it's going to feel hard. Break ups are hard. I haven't said goodbye to any big relationship without breaking my heart. You need some perspective. 12 years seems a long time because you are very young. I've known people leave after 20 or 25 years and having had dc who make a life with someone better.

Think about all your friends who were in a relationship they thought was forever and then found someone else and they are perfect for each other. That will happen for you too.

I wouldn't waste another second on this guy let alone another day.At 31yrs old you are so young and yes you will meet someone and guess what? You will love them way more than the man you are with now.
I hope you gobon to have the children you want, staying where you are now will make you resent him in a few years.
Funny thing is the man you are with now will have children but not with you,I don't say that to hurt you in any way but just to help you see him in a clearer light.