OH no longer wants children

[Lostat30]

Hi

Ive been with my partner 12 years, he initially wanted children "in the future". In the future is now here and he no longer wants them.

Im in my thirties and i feel like my ship has sailed. I am so heartbroken over the future i will never have. I currently feel like i wont get over him and maybe i should just stay and forget children...

Has anyone started over again (sucessfully) in their 30s when they still loved their OH?

31 is early enough if you leave now.

Definitely leave. You were open about what you wanted. He wasn't.

How have you not fallen out of love with him like the Hindenburg exploding, knowing he’s lied to you and probably stolen your chances of having a family to benefit himself?

Thank goodness you didn't marry him

@Anordinarymum

OP why don't you tell him you want to start a family now and if he doesn't then you don't see a future with him. See how he reacts to this.

When I wanted to start a family I knew it was right and if I couldn't have had children i would have regretted it for ever.

Do this, but also tell him he needs to be 100%, because otherwise there is a chance he will check out of doing all the baby stuff, nappy changes, getting up through the night because he “never wanted this baby in the first place”

Run. You’re only 31. Plenty of time to turn this around.

He's a cock.
Bin him immediately.
You still have plenty of time, don't worry.

Oh, and I wouldn't worry about not getting over him. You'll get over him quite easily when you meet someone and have children. What I found when I had children was that my priorities completely changed and having someone who would do their share without moaning or needing to be asked was much more important to me. In your place, I would be wary of having children with him because there is nothing less attractive than a lazy partner who doesn't pull their weight for whatever reason (including "well, it was you who wanted kids, not me").

31?! You're fine! You've still got time.

I met me exh at 31. Married at 33. First kid'33, second 35. Divorced 37. Met 2nd DH at 41 married at 44. Very happy now.

I thought you were going to say you were 37 or 38...! 31 is young enough to have children in a new relationship.

Children are a big deal and wanting/not wanting children is a dealbreaker for many people. People are allowed to change their minds - if he really did want children and no longer does then that is unfortunate but just how life is. I would say you would have to weigh your desire for motherhood against your relationship, and if motherhood wins that means leaving. If on the other hand he never wanted kids and was stringing you along, that is despicable. I would be ending the relationship no matter what. I appreciate that you may not know which scenario it is.

At the end of the day, you want children and he doesn't. You can't compromise on that.

At 31 you can definitely have a new relationship and have children. You are not even tied to him through marriage - you can 100% walk away.

Ok, going to go slightly against the grain here.

While it is not unreasonable to leave a relationship at this stage in order to have children, I would definitely have the conversation with him first, and make it very clear that you want children now so delaying is no longer an option.

TBH I’m not of the opinion that this was future faking, these people got together when they were 19 and barely children themselves, it’s highly likely that they have just grown into a childless relationship and after so long together he no longer sees how children could be part of that deal.

That doesn’t mean he’s right, but it does mean that OP should have a conversation with him before just heading for the hills.

31 is about the time many couples decide to start having children, the difference here is that they were together so much longer before that.

Walk away and he'll either decide or he won't. I did this and we have the kids, he said I was right to force a decision. However he loves the DC, but is not a very involved parent, so it's worth considering he may just not really be that bothered.

At 31 time is definitely still on your side. I didn't meet my husband until I was 34, we had our first baby when I was 38, our second at 40 and our third when I was 42. If you want children and he doesn't, don't leave it too late to part company with him.

@Lostat30 31 is still plenty of time to meet someone and have children. I'm not saying there won't be heartache, worry or internal pressure, but it's definitely possible. I have three friends who all broke up with their long term boyfriends around 30-33. All three are now 37-39 and having their second babies.

You need to decide if children are a must for you and if so, the sooner you leave, the better. I also second what others have said - he has kept you dangling for all these years. It feels very unfair for me and I'm not sure I could have move led past that and remained happy in the relationship.

@Aquamarine1029

Fucking hell, op, you're only 31. The time to be running for the hills is NOW. You have many years left to have the family you want, so don't waste another day. Your partner has been bullshitting and future faking you for 12 years. It's time to go, right now.

This is so true.

I found myself divorcing at 29yo.

I'd remarried and had 2 children before I turned 34.

You have lots and LOTS of time OP. It's terribly sad if you think he's the love of your life, but you don't have to settle for a future without children if you don't want to.

At 31 I would also leave to be honest! As hard as it is!

I left a 9 year relationship at 30, met DH at 31, had DD at 35 and due DS next month at 37 (almost 38). It’s definitely doable but don’t wait, especially if you want more than 1.

At 31, your ship has in no way sailed. You have a good decade left in your fertility window.

If you want children, leave him. You still have time on your side. Don't let him rob you of your chances by dithering.

You have plenty of time! My sister finished all her travelling and adventures at 30 and decided she wanted to settle down. She hit the dating sites and had 5-10 dates a week until she found the right guy. Engaged within a year and pregnant at her wedding and now two perfect beautiful children. And he is a million times better than anyone she was ever with before including an ex she was engaged to mid 20s.

Go for it!!!

Oh and if you tell him you're leaving and he suddenly changes his mind about kids don't let that make you stay. Last thing you want is the father to not be 100% on board with the children and make you do everything and screw them up mentally for the rest of their lives. Just leave now.

Also , you must be devastated that he pulled the rug out like this.

Don't pick a man over having children.

Neither of you is wrong, but you do have different, and irreconcilable, life goals.
He lied to her for 12 years, he is very much in the wrong.

I didn’t even meet my DH till 1 was 34! You’ve got plenty time. Had my first at 38 and second at 40. Many of my friends in similar boat.
Get rid!

My thirties started by dumping a crappy boyfriend, leading to meeting my future DH, getting married, having two kids and still got three more years to go! It's not too late at all! In fact, is probably the perfect timing. Also, you don't want kids with someone who isn't 100% committed to having kids too cause they are likely to not pull their weight. Don't let your dp take up anymore of your time

You're only 31 - you have time, but not with him.

It sounds from your posts as though you feel he's been stringing you along and basically lying to you - honestly that means this isn't the relationship you thought it was anyway. You say partner not husband - is he the same about marriage or is not being married a mutual decision?

Honestly if I've read it right that you feel he's been stringing you along rather than had a genuine change of heart then you need to leave him anyway, not only because of children but because he isn't genuinely a "partner" in any meaningful sense if he lies to you to manipulate you and doesn't care whether you're happy.

You hear all the time about men like this leaving their long term partner at 40 and suddenly being married to a 30 year old with a baby on the way a year later, while at 40 the woman they strung along for twenty years has a far slimmer chance of conceiving. Don't let that be you!

Of course if you genuinely believe that he's been completely honest all the way through your relationship and really has had an honest change of heart its a bit different, and a harder decision about staying or leaving. Nothing is guaranteed but at 31 you do have time to meet someone new and have children if you leave now - if you want the children within an established long term relationship you do need to leave ASAP if you're going to!