OH no longer wants children

[Lostat30]

Hi

Ive been with my partner 12 years, he initially wanted children "in the future". In the future is now here and he no longer wants them.

Im in my thirties and i feel like my ship has sailed. I am so heartbroken over the future i will never have. I currently feel like i wont get over him and maybe i should just stay and forget children...

Has anyone started over again (sucessfully) in their 30s when they still loved their OH?

[quote youvegottenminuteslynn]@lynsey91

I think you meant most marriages don't end in divorce. Instead, you said "Most relationships do NOT end."

Based on the average number of relationships most people have before either staying with someone for the long haul or marrying them, that is simply not true. Quite odd to believe or suggest otherwise. Especially using statistics that aren't relevant to your confident statement that "most relationships do NOT end."[/quote]
I meant marriages really although so many couples don't bother marrying now so should include supposedly long term relationships. It is known though that unmarried couples with children are far more likely to split up than married couples.

I don't know many people that had lots of relationships before marrying or staying with someone. Not sure what the average number is supposed to be.

I guess some people had quite a few boyfriends but that is not really a relationship is it? If someone has quite a few actual serious relationships then I would query just how serious they were.

As I said, I don't see how you walk away from a serious relationship and then low and behold find someone else that you enter a serious relationship with.

You can't keep finding people that you honestly love deeply enough to want to spend the rest of your life with. Some people though just don't seem fussy or not know what true love is. Like my neighbours, both of whom are on their 4th marriage

@NewlyGranny

OP has been with her partner lovingly and loyally for 12 years and calls him her best friend, so all this shaming about only wanting a man to provide children definitely does not apply.

So lovingly and loyally that she is thinking about leaving him and imagines she will magically meet someone else she loves!

@Clymene

It doesn't really matter what your imaginary friends say about children *@lynsey91*, because the OP wants children.

She may of course hate them and realise that she would rather have stayed with her ex but given that he's a future faking bastard, I suspect not.

No not imaginary friends but real life woman (and men) who fell for the rubbish that having children is wonderful and then found out the truth.

The percentage is far higher than 7% despite what a poster says. A quick google tells me it is around 30%. I honestly think it could be higher as many woman would not admit it.

I would say around 50% maybe slightly higher of woman I have met over the years say they would not have any if they could go back. Not just friends but woman I have met over 50 years of living in many different places

I would say around 50% maybe slightly higher of woman I have met over the years say they would not have any if they could go back. Not just friends but woman I have met over 50 years of living in many different places

What a bizarre post.

So you spend your time asking people if they regret having kids when meeting them. Weird & massively intrusive

I bet your fun at parties. I think I'd tell you whatever you want to hear to get rid of you too

I would say around 50% maybe slightly higher of woman I have met over the years say they would not have any if they could go back. Not just friends but woman I have met over 50 years of living in many different places
Oh shush - do you not mean 50% of people who have actually told you. Which I imagine is somewhere around 2. It's not exactly casual small talk material. I feel like someone is pushing their own opinions here a little

lovingly and loyally that she is thinking about leaving him and imagines she will magically meet someone else she loves!^ @lynsey91

In reply to your comment which is rude and unthoughtful, as I do love him and he is my best friend. I don't think if I leave him I will magically meet someone else. I'm struggling to picture myself with anyone else but him, laughing or being as connected with anyone else but him. However I really want a child in my future and this isn't a surprise conversation for him. He's consistently said yes he wants a child, until I said I was ready then it was he wants one but not yet. However he can't explain what not yet means and can't articulate whats stopping him wanting one now. I know its really a no but he's too scared to say it. Its easy to say get up and walk away but its so hard being in this situation. There isn't any other issues, we don't argue - even over my fertility, we don't raise our voices, call each other names. We are a supportive unit but the thought of not having a child breaks my heart just as much.

I'm asking for space as there hasn't been a single day in over 12 years that we haven't spoken. I've asked him to use the time to ask himself the questions of what he wants in his future and the reasons why. Hopefully the conversation following that helps give us some closure

You can't keep finding people that you honestly love deeply enough to want to spend the rest of your life with. Some people though just don't seem fussy or not know what true love is.

Don't know what "true love" is? How patronising a d dismissive.

Real life isn't Disney - people are perfectly capable of loving deeply but still having dealbreakers such as the desire to become a parent.

In fact, having strong boundaries is important for both individual mental health and healthy relationships.

I find it highly unlikely you've polled enough people about regretting becoming parents for your anecdata to have any real meaning and bloody hell what a weird thing to discuss with "not just friends but woman I have met over 50 years of living in many different places".

As someone else said, if I was asked such personal and intense things by someone I would say whatever was likely to get them to move on!

I don't know many people that had lots of relationships before marrying or staying with someone.

Bizarre comment. Define 'lots of'. If most people have two previous serious relationships before a permanent one, your statement that "most relationships do NOT end" isn't true.

For someone who proclaims to be in tune with their loving side, your posts are needlessly judgmental and dismissive of other people. A really odd and snarky tone!

@youvegottenminuteslynn

You can't keep finding people that you honestly love deeply enough to want to spend the rest of your life with. Some people though just don't seem fussy or not know what true love is.

Don't know what "true love" is? How patronising a d dismissive.

Real life isn't Disney - people are perfectly capable of loving deeply but still having dealbreakers such as the desire to become a parent.

In fact, having strong boundaries is important for both individual mental health and healthy relationships.

I find it highly unlikely you've polled enough people about regretting becoming parents for your anecdata to have any real meaning and bloody hell what a weird thing to discuss with "not just friends but woman I have met over 50 years of living in many different places".

As someone else said, if I was asked such personal and intense things by someone I would say whatever was likely to get them to move on!

I don't know many people that had lots of relationships before marrying or staying with someone.

Bizarre comment. Define 'lots of'. If most people have two previous serious relationships before a permanent one, your statement that "most relationships do NOT end" isn't true.

For someone who proclaims to be in tune with their loving side, your posts are needlessly judgmental and dismissive of other people. A really odd and snarky tone!

This was to @lynsey91 - sorry forgot to tag.

Hi OP. This must be so difficult for you. When you say 'I have asked for space' - has he moved out?

@Lostat30

“ He's consistently said yes he wants a child, until I said I was ready then it was he wants one but not yet. However he can't explain what not yet means and can't articulate whats stopping him wanting one now.”

OP - these are mind games. You can’t live your life like a dog at the table hoping for scraps - it will drive you nuts! Take charge.

@lynsey91

Your posts are really weird and you seem to have some twisted version of relationships, life and love. It makes me think you're projecting something but I can't quite work out what. I just can't imagine someone thinking in such a bizarre way (and with a really weird bitter attitude towards women who want children) without there being more to it.

[quote Honeycombskl]**@lynsey91

Your posts are really weird and you seem to have some twisted version of relationships, life and love. It makes me think you're projecting something but I can't quite work out what. I just can't imagine someone thinking in such a bizarre way (and with a really weird bitter attitude towards women who want children) without there being more to it.[/quote]
@lynsey91 is like this in every thread, unfortunately. She clearly has some very fixed and strong ideas about relationships that she's desperate to share. Thankfully she's a lone voice of one on this thread with her odd take on this.

I agree with @Honeycombskl, sorry. I also think it’s highly inappropriate, on a forum which is supposed to support parents, to denigrate the desire of many women to have children.

The desire to have children isn’t something that we choose to feel in any case. My life would have been a good deal easier for me if I hadn’t had that desire, as I wouldn’t have gone through infertility, IVF and the adoption process or had the hard job of raising two adopted DDs (now 12 and 9), one of whom has SEN and behavioural issues.

No, I don’t regret adopting them. But I can certainly imagine venting and saying so on a particularly difficult day. Because parenthood is tough. Doubtless there are women (and men) who say this when venting, who don’t really mean it. Obviously some do genuinely mean it, which is very sad.

If someone wants a child, it's a bit silly to say to them, "Look, you've already got a partner you love, that should be enough". The two relationships are entirely different and one is not a substitute for the other.

This is so hard. You need to follow your heart.

@Lostat30 I have been in your situation and I would say without a shadow of a doubt you must leave him if you want children. I went through relationship counselling with my ex, it was a perfect relationship BUT FOR this enormous issue where he wasnt "sure" if he wanted children and we could not resolve it. He tried hynotherapy and we both really tried to make it work as we loved each other so much. Sadly, love is just not enough to make situations like this work. And in fact love and a perfect relationship (barring this issue) STILL is not enough. If you have always wanted children you will without a doubt regret staying with him - particularly as you get older and all your friends and family start having children around you.

I am 34 now and am trying to freeze my eggs but have found out I have fertility issues. I first had the discussions with my ex about children when I was around 29 and I wish with hindight, I had left then.

You will always fall in love with someone again - I know it is so, SO hard to believe that now but it's honestly true and possible. It will be awful for months but just think where you want to be in a year - do you want to be 32 and in the same position as you are now and that bit older, that bit more involved etc? If you leave now, then in a year, you will be over this person and may well be in a relationship with someone else who wants the same things as you.

Your partner has his whole life to have children, sadly as women we do not have that luxury. Please don't make repeat my mistakes.

Ps - I know it is not as fully relevant but I do also think it's a bad sign that after 12 years he is not your husband unless it is a mutual decision. Seems like commitment issues perhaps..

OP I think getting some space from each other will help both of you clarify what you want. Just don't be muddying the water with calls or texts, etc. It needs to be quiet space for thinking in. ❤️

Ah this Lynsey has popped up again. That was predictable. She was all over the Pregnancy boards last year spouting the same stuff. Mainly to a bunch of scared women who had not chosen to be pregnant during a global pandemic. Definitely some projecting going on.

You're entitled to feel how you feel. I would leave. You'll resent him forever otherwise. I'm so sorry he's done this to you.

I think taking some space for yourself and also asking him consider his future is a wise decision. And I do hope things work out.

But just be aware that chances are he's going to come back with some version of his old 'wait a year' song and dance and you have to be prepared to 'change the tune' to one that works for you. And that may mean leaving the relationship.

Another thing to consider (if you haven't) is that if he does say 'yes' to having a child and his motivation is to keep you, you may be facing a future in which you are 100% responsible for the child whilst he continues to live a 'child free' lifestyle with you shouldering the parenting burden. I mention this because my DS1 was in childcare with a little girl whose mum was in this exact situation. Her 'd'H agreed to have the child she desperately wanted with the proviso that she would be responsible for ALL the child-related work. Of course she was of the 'once the baby is here he'll love it". But by God he was as good as his word! He did NOTHING, wouldn't even pick her up if she cried nor get up off the sofa to bring his wife a drink of water when BF. His attitude was "You wanted it, you got it, now deal with it". The marriage did NOT survive.

I lost track of her then as she moved away to be near her folks, but for the short time between the breakup and her moving she realized how much happier she was without the load of her resentment against him.

So do think things through and question him closely if he comes back with a 'yes'.

@lynsey91
Your posts are really weird and you seem to have some twisted version of relationships, life and love.

Why twisted and weird? Because she's daring to admit some women regret having children?

Although I agree that what Lynsey's saying probably isn't very helpful on this particular thread and could upset the OP, I think it's interesting that so many are desperate to shut her down/paint her as weird for daring to acknowledge that some women do indeed express regret at having children. The taboo's clearly still alive and kicking.

@bringincrazyback

Why twisted and weird? Because she's daring to admit some women regret having children?

She's not just saying that some women regret having children though, she's saying that the majority do and the extent to which she is adamant is weird. She must mix with some amount of women with issues if the majority of women she knows regret having their kids. Of course there will be some who do but I know very few who would ever give any hint of it, except maybe to say how difficult it is at times.

And trying to tell the OP to give up her dream of having children just to stay with a guy because, in her words, 'why pick a child over a man' is twisted. She's making out like she should be lucky to have ever fallen in love and that she'll never be able to meet someone else which is pish.

Yup, if DP isn't 100% in with night waking, nappies, etc, and TTC immediately then he needs to be counted as 100% out, because nothing other than 100% in is viable in this situation. It's a U-turn or nothing, because all those other side roads (the ones labelled not yet, wait a year, you'd have to do everything, I can't have my routine altered, my hobbies come first, etc) are dead ends.

[quote Honeycombskl]@bringincrazyback

Why twisted and weird? Because she's daring to admit some women regret having children?

She's not just saying that some women regret having children though, she's saying that the majority do and the extent to which she is adamant is weird. She must mix with some amount of women with issues if the majority of women she knows regret having their kids. Of course there will be some who do but I know very few who would ever give any hint of it, except maybe to say how difficult it is at times.

And trying to tell the OP to give up her dream of having children just to stay with a guy because, in her words, 'why pick a child over a man' is twisted. She's making out like she should be lucky to have ever fallen in love and that she'll never be able to meet someone else which is pish.[/quote]
I agree with a pp that it's not helpful on this thread but as a childfree person many, many parents tell me how much they regret their kids, tell me I'm right not to, men tell me when they're ttc and when their wife is pregnant how much they're dreading it etc and they always end with something like 'thanks for listening, you're the only one I can talk to'. They won't talk to other parents about it… I don't know why, I assume they think they're the only one who feels that way and will be judged. There are many anonymous platforms for people to get help for the regret (mumsnet, numerous reddit subs, a huge Facebook group) and many articles written about it but it seems to be kept hush hush in the real world.

However, even if 99% (I know it isn't!) of women regret their child(ren), the OP still wants one and seems to have been strung along and may be the 1% who doesn't regret it so she should leave and try and find her happiness.

As I've said I've been strung along and lied to and you feel a hot sickness inside and it's just awful. So it's not even like her relationship is some amazing fairytale (sorry op) because if it was, she wouldn't have been treated like that.

@Lostat30

lovingly and loyally that she is thinking about leaving him and imagines she will magically meet someone else she loves!^ *@lynsey91*

In reply to your comment which is rude and unthoughtful, as I do love him and he is my best friend. I don't think if I leave him I will magically meet someone else. I'm struggling to picture myself with anyone else but him, laughing or being as connected with anyone else but him. However I really want a child in my future and this isn't a surprise conversation for him. He's consistently said yes he wants a child, until I said I was ready then it was he wants one but not yet. However he can't explain what not yet means and can't articulate whats stopping him wanting one now. I know its really a no but he's too scared to say it. Its easy to say get up and walk away but its so hard being in this situation. There isn't any other issues, we don't argue - even over my fertility, we don't raise our voices, call each other names. We are a supportive unit but the thought of not having a child breaks my heart just as much.

I'm asking for space as there hasn't been a single day in over 12 years that we haven't spoken. I've asked him to use the time to ask himself the questions of what he wants in his future and the reasons why. Hopefully the conversation following that helps give us some closure

Have you pondered what life would be like for a child whose father only begrudgingly acquiesced to parenthood to avoid losing his longtime girlfriend?

Wouldn't it be preferable to keep him as a friend and find yourself a man who enthusiastically wants to be a dad?

OP if you are still reading... he has strung you along for 12 years which is a deceitful and cowardly thing to do. He's not the man you think/still hope he is.
If you want children, really want them then you need to end it with him before it is too late for you.
I feel sad for you, but then again, I have children and feel fulfilled.