I am fast approaching the end of my tether.

[Treasurechestnerd]

Apologies as I’ve posted before about DH and how he doesn’t do anything in the house or with the dc. The advice was to talk to him, which I have, and NOTHING has changed. I have had enough. I was a sahm for three years. Did everything. Then I got a job that was 20 hours a week. Did everything. Now my job is 28 hours a week but is often more like 30 hours and I’m still doing everything. He works 40 hours a week. My hours are over four days but on my day off I realistically have 9.30-2.30 around fetching dc2 and spend most or all of that doing errands / housework. Dc1 is 12 but with some SEND and dc2 is 5. DH works from home 100% of the time, I do a mix of about 50/50.

My day is this -

6am - get up, shower, dressed.
6.30am - get dc1 up, breakfasted, sorted for school.
7am - get dc2 up, dressed, breakfast, ready for school.
7.30am - drop dc1 to his friend’s house so they can walk to school and be there for 8.15am. I leave dc2 in front of a screen for ten minutes as her father is still in bed.
7.45 - go back and brush dc2’s teeth and hair.
8am - take dc2 to breakfast club.
8.30am - start work.
4pm - go and pick dc2 up from after school club, dc1 walks unless he has a club which he does twice a week, in which case I go and fetch him after I’ve got dc2.
4.30pm - get home, sort the dc out with snacks etc
5pm - start dinner
5.30/6pm dinner - I clear up as much as I can whilst everyone else eats. The plates are stacked on the side when they’ve finished eating.
6pm - I try and spend an hour or so with the dc, either in garden, or listening to dc2 read, helping with dc1’s homework etc
7.30pm bathtime for dc2.
8pm - I do stories with dc2 and she’s usually in bed for 8.30pm
Then I go downstairs and wash up the plates from dinner, empty washing machine, get washing in off line if out, sort out lunches for the following day.
9.30pm - dc1 goes to bed and I read to him too, because he likes it.
I’m normally back downstairs by 10pm, some evenings I then sit down, but I often have ironing to do, sometimes some bits of work to finish.

DH’s day:

Gets up 8.15
Starts work 8.30
Finishes 5.00
Comes downstairs.
Puts on tv to whatever he wants to watch - usually sport.
Eats dinner
Goes back to lying on sofa.

At the weekend he golfs all day on Saturdays and plays two or three evenings a week as well.
I have wept with exhaustion when I’ve been unwell and awake most of the night but he has done nothing. Absolutely nothing. I’ve told him I’m exhausted. Nothing.
Is this just life?

No, you are doing way too much! But you know this - why have you not addressed this before, it’s crazy.

You’re not superwoman and he’s a parent too. It’s no wonder you’re exhausted.

Make him do his fair share - you are meant to be a team.

Good luck.

Don’t justify your week! Why bother.

Write a list of job ps that need doing and he decides which of those he does.

One cooks other washes up
One does the laundry other outs it away and sort socks

Of he refuses then he does everything for himself - cooking shopping cleaning laundry - YOU need to put your foot down and mean it.

I cannot make him.
I have stood, crying because I’m so tired (sorry, I know it’s pathetic) in the kitchen whilst ironing and he’s come in to get himself a drink and then just gone back into the other room.
I have told him I can’t keep on like this.
When he stuck his head in the kitchen this evening and asked me to phone the dentist to make an appointment for him when I ‘get a minute’ tomorrow I could have throttled him.

There's really only one thing I can say:

What a good-for-nothing lazy fucking bastard.

Then divorce him.

Seriously he has zero respect for you.

You’ve dug your own hole here. Now get out of it! Who needs a man like that?? Nobody. Nobody else would let him get away with such behaviour!

Divorce 🌸

What value is he bringing to yours or your children's lives? Can you let us know why you haven't divorced him years ago?

He is treating you terribly ! What is wrong with him ? Do you love him ? Because I would find it hard to have respect for a man who behaved like this.

Op I remember your last post well

You sound even more drained than before and you had little energy then

This is never going to end. He's never going to change and your life will be miserable forever

Find that strength to go it alone. Let's face it, you're already doing everything but it'll be easier with one less manchild

Leave, you can do it and you'll be so much happier

@Treasurechestnerd

I cannot make him. I have stood, crying because I’m so tired (sorry, I know it’s pathetic) in the kitchen whilst ironing and he’s come in to get himself a drink and then just gone back into the other room. I have told him I can’t keep on like this. When he stuck his head in the kitchen this evening and asked me to phone the dentist to make an appointment for him when I ‘get a minute’ tomorrow I could have throttled him.

You can't make him no, but as your posts stand, no one will be able to understand why you haven't divorced him. Assuming there is an, as yet unknown, reason; you could stop doing anything for him - no laundry, no ironing, no cooking - that's all in your control.

He doesn't want to see you as anything other than a SAHM/WAHM, I'm afraid.

Literally don't do a single thing more for him from this moment on. You look after you and your kids, that's still more than your fair share. He can fend for himself the ungrateful arsehole

Yes, leave him. Don't live your life putting up with this and showing your dc this relationship model.

I read something on MN that stayed with me, wish I'd saved it - that partners not pulling their weight is a form of abuse as they're using YOUR resources for their share of the work. They're using up more than YOUR fair share of time and energy. This is time and energy that you could use to pursue your own hobbies, meet friends, build up your career, exercise... whatever you wished to do with it. I haven't explained that too well, hope you get the gist.

Sending you strength to leave this selfish man child.

Yup, just life - for a woman in a bygone, downtrodden age. But this is 2021 and it is absolutely not just life.

He is a selfish twat and doesn’t give a toss about you. Divorce him before your children start thinking this is normal.

Why on earth would he need you to make him an appointment? Am i missing something?

This man has no respect for you. You are nothing but a skivvy to him. Please, please divorce him, because you will be so much happier without him.

Also. Please eat dinner with your children rather than doing chores while they eat. What they are learning is that mums are slaves and dads are kings. Please don't do this.

You seem to have a bit of a martyr complex and it is suiting your husband and children very nicely.

Your 12 Yo is old enough to do dishes and sort washing.

Your husband? Well I don't understand why you are with him but nothing will change unless you change it.

Does he bring anything positive to your life at all? Do you still love him?

If the answer is no - I would say leave. And I don't say that lightly but you sound exhausted and miserable.

If you split, he will likely have them every other weekend and maybe even during the week which means he'll come to realise just how much you've been doing and you'll have the added benefit of an occasional break and time for yourself

It's easy to suggest not doing another thing for him i.e washing, cleaning, cooking etc but op has to live in this house too. I'd find it really hard not to do the housework/washing up and having to live in it I would give up fast I think

I say LTB and be happy

What does he say when you say ‘things need to change’ or ‘you need to do more’?

It's easy to suggest not doing another thing for him i.e washing, cleaning, cooking etc but op has to live in this house too. I'd find it really hard not to do the housework/washing up and having to live in it I would give up fast I think

Nope! It’s much easier not to do so things. It’s easier ignoring the housework in favor of time reading with the kids, it easier to ignore the ironing and have a lie down.

Short term pain for long term gain.

Well no it’s not life.

It’s your life because it is what you are choosing / allowing.

End the relationship. He’s not going to change.

Why would you think he will ever be any different? When he’s showing you day after day after day for YEARS that he doesn’t care.

So whilst he is the lazy no good piece of shit - you are the unreasonable one here.

You’re unreasonable because you’re wasting your time and effort on someone who gives zero fucks about your emotional well-being, your health, your happiness or your relationship.

Stop being a martyr and choose to end this pointless relationship.

He is not a partner.

Why are you staying with him? There must be something that makes you stay, because from the outside there seems no logical explanation.

Maybe you can't stop feeding the children, but you can stop doing the ironing. Iron your own clothes if you must ( most people I know don't even do that these days, what with homeworking and stretch fabrics) but the children won't care if their clothes are not ironed, and he can do his own.
I'm sure DC1 can get themselves dressed and ready for school, you don't need to do this, and even DC2 can probably do more independently.
Don't run and deal with DH's admin tasks, especially if they don't impact you.
You tell him that you can't carry on like this, but then you do carry on - he doesn't take you seriously.
You don't need to have confrontations over these things, just don't so them, same as he doesn't. Do what works for you and your children.
He does seem a dead weight though, I wonder what you get out of staying with him. Do you need financial support? It might be worth checking what your financial position would be if you were to leave him, CMS entitlement etc, and plan towards working more hours so that you are not dependent on him.