I am fast approaching the end of my tether.

[Treasurechestnerd]

Apologies as I’ve posted before about DH and how he doesn’t do anything in the house or with the dc. The advice was to talk to him, which I have, and NOTHING has changed. I have had enough. I was a sahm for three years. Did everything. Then I got a job that was 20 hours a week. Did everything. Now my job is 28 hours a week but is often more like 30 hours and I’m still doing everything. He works 40 hours a week. My hours are over four days but on my day off I realistically have 9.30-2.30 around fetching dc2 and spend most or all of that doing errands / housework. Dc1 is 12 but with some SEND and dc2 is 5. DH works from home 100% of the time, I do a mix of about 50/50.

My day is this -

6am - get up, shower, dressed.
6.30am - get dc1 up, breakfasted, sorted for school.
7am - get dc2 up, dressed, breakfast, ready for school.
7.30am - drop dc1 to his friend’s house so they can walk to school and be there for 8.15am. I leave dc2 in front of a screen for ten minutes as her father is still in bed.
7.45 - go back and brush dc2’s teeth and hair.
8am - take dc2 to breakfast club.
8.30am - start work.
4pm - go and pick dc2 up from after school club, dc1 walks unless he has a club which he does twice a week, in which case I go and fetch him after I’ve got dc2.
4.30pm - get home, sort the dc out with snacks etc
5pm - start dinner
5.30/6pm dinner - I clear up as much as I can whilst everyone else eats. The plates are stacked on the side when they’ve finished eating.
6pm - I try and spend an hour or so with the dc, either in garden, or listening to dc2 read, helping with dc1’s homework etc
7.30pm bathtime for dc2.
8pm - I do stories with dc2 and she’s usually in bed for 8.30pm
Then I go downstairs and wash up the plates from dinner, empty washing machine, get washing in off line if out, sort out lunches for the following day.
9.30pm - dc1 goes to bed and I read to him too, because he likes it.
I’m normally back downstairs by 10pm, some evenings I then sit down, but I often have ironing to do, sometimes some bits of work to finish.

DH’s day:

Gets up 8.15
Starts work 8.30
Finishes 5.00
Comes downstairs.
Puts on tv to whatever he wants to watch - usually sport.
Eats dinner
Goes back to lying on sofa.

At the weekend he golfs all day on Saturdays and plays two or three evenings a week as well.
I have wept with exhaustion when I’ve been unwell and awake most of the night but he has done nothing. Absolutely nothing. I’ve told him I’m exhausted. Nothing.
Is this just life?

Wow. People live like this?

You must be freaking dead on your feet OP. Your husband is an awful man. I wouldn’t treat my worst enemy the way he treats you.

Leave him, and tell him to fuck off back to where he came from (presumably the 1950’s).

rough guess, Mum must have been in her early 50's when you married?

how absolutley ridiculous.

Your Mum sounds pretty awful herself.

I’ve disappointed my mum my entire life

And there you have it, in a nutshell. This is at the bottom of everything that stops you from doing what you have to do.

As parents, one of our most important responsibilities is to raise children who are confident, have healthy self-esteem, trust their own judgement and know what boundaries they need to put in place to protect themselves. Your mother failed in this.

And now, I'm sorry to say, you are in danger of failing your own children. This entire thread is so sad. Please, if you do nothing else just yet, at least read THE SIX PILLARS OF SELF ESTEEM by Nathaniel Barden, or some other book about boundaries and self-esteem

My mum is a good mum but I do think possibly my relationship with her means that I feel less competent than other people.
She’s never got much positive to say about...well... anything that’s to do with me. She often tells me how disappointed she is with her life and I feel hugely responsible.

How does that make her a good mum!?

OP. Have you seen loads of us saying how damaging it is to grow up in a household with the relationship you and your husband have? You don't seem to have acknowledged that by staying you're actively contributing to your children, your daughter, being more likely to be in abusive, controlling and unhappy relationships in future. Do you not see that?

That's what makes her NOT "a good Mum".

She has been emotionally toxic to you for your entire life.

You have so much to unpick with a therapist.

I'm sorry,but is this actually real?

@Treasurechestnerd

My mum is a good mum but I do think possibly my relationship with her means that I feel less competent than other people. She’s never got much positive to say about...well... anything that’s to do with me. She often tells me how disappointed she is with her life and I feel hugely responsible.

Er. She is not a good mum. She has completely failed you as a mum by running down your self esteem so much that you have none and are completely unable to make decisions. She is also not supporting you in leaving your husband who is abusive and whom she herself hates. She is a terrible mum. Honestly, by staying when even your children are asking you to leave (not directly but that is certainly what I am reading into their comments you have posted here), you are doing them a huge disservice. You need to take small steps with some personal counselling and discussions with a lawyer. Do you have any close friends that you can confide in?

The more you post about other unhealthy relationships the more strongly I think you need some independent counselling to be able to break the cycle. Staying until the DC are older makes absolutely no sense and I don't know this for sure but from a financial perspective the older they are the more likely you are expected to be financially independent but 'H' puts so many constraints on you so that is never going to be possible.

The DC love DH though, DD in particular is set on a nuclear family.

The first part is patently untrue since you said your DS told you he wished you had never met his father and I doubt your DD, who is five, has ever heard of a nuclear family, plus she made a Father's Day card for her DGF and not her father.

They are obviously unhappy and if you don't leave this man for your own benefit, if you love your children as much as you say you do, why you won't leave for them.

As for your parents, you're an adult now, and you do what is right for you and your children, not what your mother thinks. Any mother who knows how awful her Son in Law is but expects her DD to stay with him is showing zero love or concern. Why would you listen to someone who has contributed to your self esteem being worn away to nothing? I don't understand how you can describe her as a good mother. Relationships with parents can be complicated. You can still love her but don't be blind to what she has done.

She’s worried about the dc having to spend time with DH without me there and the affect on them.
That’s why she thinks I should just get hobbies and make my life better but stay. I feel so depressed at the moment that that doesn’t feel possible, in terms of making my life better in any particular way.
I’ve got everything anyone could want but I’m still not happy.

@Treasurechestnerd

She’s worried about the dc having to spend time with DH without me there and the affect on them. That’s why she thinks I should just get hobbies and make my life better but stay. I feel so depressed at the moment that that doesn’t feel possible, in terms of making my life better in any particular way. I’ve got everything anyone could want but I’m still not happy.

Clearly you haven't.

You have a selfish, lazy, financially abusive husband and I have no idea on what planet you or your mother reside on, that you think ANY woman wants that.

I would prefer an ordinary life any day to a wealthy lifestyle with a prick like your husband for a partner.

I doubt I am alone in that preference.

Your children will model their relationships on yours. This is why sticking it out for the children doesn't work, other posters are right, you have to break this cycle.

You would be far better off being a single parent by the sounds of things! He doesn't sound like he adds anything to your life.

I would not put any store by your mother's relationship advice; what she is telling you is utter crap. She does not have your interests at heart here. Staying for the sake of the children is not a good idea and in your particular case a terrible one. What will staying within this do to them; they're actively telling you they do not like their dad. You could well lose your own relationship with them as adults if they continue to see you as putting him before them.

What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up?.
Its of no great surprise you are with someone like this man at all if she taught you about relationships when you were growing up. He targeted you because of your poor boundaries and being vulnerable to such approaches (as someone who actually took an interest); your parents installed those buttons.

Money does not indeed buy happiness.

I doubt that your DH would want to spend much, if any time, with his children post separation given how selfish and self absorbed he is so her argument also does not hold water.

I doubt that your DH would want to spend much, if any time, with his children post separation given how selfish and self absorbed he is so her argument also does not hold water.

Exactly.
I totally get why it's difficult for you, treasure, but please look into how you could leave, what your financial rights will be, etc.
Then a decision will be clearer.

What is his profession?

Don't rely on your parents as they don't have your best interests at heart.
Don't involve them in YOUR decision to leave YOUR husband with YOUR children. Step up and be the responsible and capable parent that your dc need you to be. Don't simply swap living with an abusive DH for living with your abusive parents. The upbringing your parents gave you has led to this terrible marriage and they want you to stay in it. They are toxic OP. Stop speaking to them about it. Have more confidence in your own right to live a life free from emotional abuse and your own abilities to achieve this for yourself and your kids.