I am fast approaching the end of my tether.

[Treasurechestnerd]

Apologies as I’ve posted before about DH and how he doesn’t do anything in the house or with the dc. The advice was to talk to him, which I have, and NOTHING has changed. I have had enough. I was a sahm for three years. Did everything. Then I got a job that was 20 hours a week. Did everything. Now my job is 28 hours a week but is often more like 30 hours and I’m still doing everything. He works 40 hours a week. My hours are over four days but on my day off I realistically have 9.30-2.30 around fetching dc2 and spend most or all of that doing errands / housework. Dc1 is 12 but with some SEND and dc2 is 5. DH works from home 100% of the time, I do a mix of about 50/50.

My day is this -

6am - get up, shower, dressed.
6.30am - get dc1 up, breakfasted, sorted for school.
7am - get dc2 up, dressed, breakfast, ready for school.
7.30am - drop dc1 to his friend’s house so they can walk to school and be there for 8.15am. I leave dc2 in front of a screen for ten minutes as her father is still in bed.
7.45 - go back and brush dc2’s teeth and hair.
8am - take dc2 to breakfast club.
8.30am - start work.
4pm - go and pick dc2 up from after school club, dc1 walks unless he has a club which he does twice a week, in which case I go and fetch him after I’ve got dc2.
4.30pm - get home, sort the dc out with snacks etc
5pm - start dinner
5.30/6pm dinner - I clear up as much as I can whilst everyone else eats. The plates are stacked on the side when they’ve finished eating.
6pm - I try and spend an hour or so with the dc, either in garden, or listening to dc2 read, helping with dc1’s homework etc
7.30pm bathtime for dc2.
8pm - I do stories with dc2 and she’s usually in bed for 8.30pm
Then I go downstairs and wash up the plates from dinner, empty washing machine, get washing in off line if out, sort out lunches for the following day.
9.30pm - dc1 goes to bed and I read to him too, because he likes it.
I’m normally back downstairs by 10pm, some evenings I then sit down, but I often have ironing to do, sometimes some bits of work to finish.

DH’s day:

Gets up 8.15
Starts work 8.30
Finishes 5.00
Comes downstairs.
Puts on tv to whatever he wants to watch - usually sport.
Eats dinner
Goes back to lying on sofa.

At the weekend he golfs all day on Saturdays and plays two or three evenings a week as well.
I have wept with exhaustion when I’ve been unwell and awake most of the night but he has done nothing. Absolutely nothing. I’ve told him I’m exhausted. Nothing.
Is this just life?

People are daft if they think showing him those lists will make him have an epiphany. He knows his wife is doing everything and it suits him just fine. Don't wash his clothes, don't iron them, don't shop for him, don't cook for him and other no circumstances make dental appointment for him. Can you buy in help - a cleaner - and out of joint money rather than you funding it yourself. When he has no clean clothes, underwear or socks, tartar on his teeth and is living on greasy takeaways, ask what he really bring to the relationship.

I wouldn't walk in on a stranger crying and just make myself a drink and fuck off, much less a partner.

He doesn't love you and based on that drink episode and his utter lack of care, holds you in contempt. There's no coming back from it.

He sees you as a functional part of his life. An extension of his day. You exist to deal with his children and the household. He doesn't care that you work, that you have feelings, that you're on your knees, exhausted. That you don't feel supported.

By staying with this man you're not only allowing your sense of identity and sense of self worth to be eroded, you are showing your children that it's a mum's job to do everything even if they're exhausted and sad and a dad's only job to go to work and opt out of family life. That women are for cooking, cleaning, childcare, mental load and working. But men are for working only. Is that really a legacy you want to pass on to them?

Do not waste your own future and risk your children's future happiness (the longer you stay the more likely theyll replicate this relationship dynamic as adults) by staying with this prick.

He doesn't care about you. He isn't on your side. He holds you in such contempt he saw you crying and simply got himself a drink. He literally prioritised his short term want (a drink) over your very serious need (support, a hug, words of kindness, anything).

Throw the tv in the rubbish bin.

Tell him to make his own fucking appointment . Stop doing his ironing , cooking ,washing , all secretary duties and just concentrate on yourself and the kids . Fuck him . As long as you are doing everything he will sit back and let you . What a loser .

I told him to ring the dentist himself and he said ‘you’ll have to give me the number then.’
I said - I will have to Google the number, which actually you could do.
He’s used to me making hair / dentist / dr appointments. His time is to important to be on hold to places. Apparently.
I stopped doing his laundry. Now he takes it all to his mother’s.
He doesn’t do any household maintenance. He does mow the lawn maybe every four weeks in the summer. In fairness, he deals with most of the bills, but we’ve direct debits set up etc so day to day there’s not a huge amount to manage.
Some mornings I’ve been up most of the night unwell (ongoing condition), he knows this, and just turns over and goes back to sleep.
He says I cope better than he does with being tired. Fortunate really as I’m tired ALL OF THE TIME.
Even when I was heavily pregnant and being sick constantly (for the entire nine months) I still had to take dc1 to football on Fridays and Sunday mornings. Standing on a field for two hours, being sick into a bag. Not my finest moments.

@blacksax

There's really only one thing I can say:

What a good-for-nothing lazy fucking bastard.

This.

I'd leave him.

Go on strike! Still take care of the kids and yourself, but do nothing for him! No more dinners and no more clean laundry! You ain't his mama!!!!

He clearly has no respect and is treating you abysmally. That said, personally after a marriage of presumably over 12 years and 2 DC (with SEND) I wouldn't jump ship just yet. I would book myself into a nice hotel for the weekend and let him cope on his own with everything - why not? It's what he has effectively done all these years except you are the hotel service. Then when I got back and the kids were in bed I would carefully explain that it was the very last chance, that if things weren't equal (permanently!) you are going to leave. If he then doesn't pull his weight (or doesn't keep it up) I would walk out and never look back. You are entitled to a fair and happy life.

I remember your last thread op.

This man will not change. There is no point recounting lists of all his shitty behaviour. We already all know he's a shit. You know he's a shit.

The question is, what are you going to do about it?

You are allowing yourself to be walked all over. Why are you doing ironing when you're so exhausted you're in tears? Fuck that shit! You didn't 'have to take DC to football. You could have told them that unfortunately you were too ill to take them. You are not a slave. You are a human being who matters. Please don't let this be the rest of your life. Your husband will happily work you to death and then step over your corpse to get his beer out of the fridge.

If you want things to change, you have to give him an ultimatum, write down a fair list of chores, and make him stick to it.

He has to know you will leave if he doesn’t.

If his time is so important that he is earning a massive 6 figure salary, you should buy in help. A part time nanny and a cleaner would give you back a lot of time. If he is not earning that type of money, his time is not that important…

Is this just life?

No it isn't. He will not change and as soon as you accept that fact and stop waiting for him to wake up and acknowledge all you do, the better it will be for you. Mt advice would be divorce but only you can make that decision.

I'm sorry but fuck all this "take care of you and the kids and let him sort himself out". Fuck that all the way home. Kick him out.

Why are you not incandescent with rage? Why aren't you fuming about the offensive way he treats you? And how the hell do you stay married to, and presumably sleep with, this utter waste of skin? My flesh would be crawling every time he came near me.

Posts like yours make me so angry - and so very, very sad. Women are nowhere near equality with men and it's "men" like your husband (and, I'm sorry to say, women who accept this) who contribute to the yawning chasm between the sexes.

Enough of the feminist rant. Find your anger and kick this utter wanker out of the house and into next week.

@Treasurechestnerd

By staying with this man you're not only allowing your sense of identity and sense of self worth to be eroded, you are showing your children that it's a mum's job to do everything even if they're exhausted and sad and a dad's only job to go to work and opt out of family life.

Teaching them that women are for cooking, cleaning, childcare, mental load and working. But men are for working only.

Is that really a legacy you want to pass on to them? Can you live with that?

Why is leaving him not an option?

He won’t change, thete will be no moment where he goes “omg what a selfish arse I’ve been darling!! Please sit down while I clean the house”

That will never ever happen

Why on earth do you stay? And please don’t say he’s a good father because he’s patently not

He has a six figure salary but I’m not sure exactly where it all goes.

I have tended to overcompensate with the dc for the fact he doesn’t do much, so I didn’t want dc1 to miss his activity. I’ve never wanted it to affect them.
The ironing gets left, it ends up being last of my list of priorities and then suddenly it’s like a mountain.
There’s no way I could just leave for the weekend. I am also concerned going forwards, should I leave, that the dc are so much more mine than his. They are basically attached to me, even dc1, although this is partly his SEND. Wherever I am in the house, they are too. It does drive me mad at times but when I move somewhere they follow.

I’m going to say something again to DH. I don’t believe it’ll make any difference though and then I’m left with two options.

This man will never change. Time to send him to his mother's with his clothes. Get your children to help more around the house, get themselves up and dressed , get their own cereal toast etc etc. Your husband is a dead weight and your life would be easier without him.

For god’s sake phone a solicitor and start the process of getting him out.
Yes, you’ll still have it all to do but you won’t have the anger and resentment eating you up.
To use a well known phrase on here, get your ducks in a row and free yourself.

He is living the single life in the family home and you are letting him.
Time to get tough.

I’m going to say something again to DH

The only thing to tell him is that you have filed for divorce.

Go to a solicitor armed with as much information as you can, see where you stand house wise etc, get it valued, get your mortgage paperwork. Start from there. He is never going to change. Never. He has no respect for you so get the hell out of this "marriage".

Talking doesn't work. You need to accept that this is over. You could meet someone who loves and respects you, who brings you a cup of tea in bed and tells you how worthwhile you are. My friend found that post divorce from a pathetic, useless man. She had a 3 year old and an 18 month old and the most generous loving man walked into her life after she was sure no one would want her.

@Treasurechestnerd

I cannot make him. I have stood, crying because I’m so tired (sorry, I know it’s pathetic) in the kitchen whilst ironing and he’s come in to get himself a drink and then just gone back into the other room. I have told him I can’t keep on like this. When he stuck his head in the kitchen this evening and asked me to phone the dentist to make an appointment for him when I ‘get a minute’ tomorrow I could have throttled him.

He’s unbearable.

I wouldn’t carry on like this, it sounds pain and rage inducing.

What are you waiting for? It’s time to go.

Why couldn't you just leave for a weekend? I mean if you split up you'll be leaving the kids with him EOW probably anyway! He really does need to see what it's actually like and the kids won't be harmed (presumably) by you being away.

Oh op, I feel so sad for you, you must be absolutely exhausted and I imagine the thought of leaving him is exhausting too.

But seriously, you are worth more than this life that you've ended up with. Your husband has no respect or love for you whatsoever. Letting you take your son to football whilst pregnant and being sick? Wtaf?

I know that leaving him seems a massive step, but I would start planning for it if I were you. I would also do as a pp suggested and leave him to it for a while whilst I went away for a few days. You need some time and space to rest and clear your head.

Because having a weekend away on my own would be such a random thing to do in his eyes. He’d say no, or accuse me of going with someone else.
It’s hard enough even getting out for a half hour walk some days.

So he’s controlling you ?