I am fast approaching the end of my tether.

[Treasurechestnerd]

Apologies as I’ve posted before about DH and how he doesn’t do anything in the house or with the dc. The advice was to talk to him, which I have, and NOTHING has changed. I have had enough. I was a sahm for three years. Did everything. Then I got a job that was 20 hours a week. Did everything. Now my job is 28 hours a week but is often more like 30 hours and I’m still doing everything. He works 40 hours a week. My hours are over four days but on my day off I realistically have 9.30-2.30 around fetching dc2 and spend most or all of that doing errands / housework. Dc1 is 12 but with some SEND and dc2 is 5. DH works from home 100% of the time, I do a mix of about 50/50.

My day is this -

6am - get up, shower, dressed.
6.30am - get dc1 up, breakfasted, sorted for school.
7am - get dc2 up, dressed, breakfast, ready for school.
7.30am - drop dc1 to his friend’s house so they can walk to school and be there for 8.15am. I leave dc2 in front of a screen for ten minutes as her father is still in bed.
7.45 - go back and brush dc2’s teeth and hair.
8am - take dc2 to breakfast club.
8.30am - start work.
4pm - go and pick dc2 up from after school club, dc1 walks unless he has a club which he does twice a week, in which case I go and fetch him after I’ve got dc2.
4.30pm - get home, sort the dc out with snacks etc
5pm - start dinner
5.30/6pm dinner - I clear up as much as I can whilst everyone else eats. The plates are stacked on the side when they’ve finished eating.
6pm - I try and spend an hour or so with the dc, either in garden, or listening to dc2 read, helping with dc1’s homework etc
7.30pm bathtime for dc2.
8pm - I do stories with dc2 and she’s usually in bed for 8.30pm
Then I go downstairs and wash up the plates from dinner, empty washing machine, get washing in off line if out, sort out lunches for the following day.
9.30pm - dc1 goes to bed and I read to him too, because he likes it.
I’m normally back downstairs by 10pm, some evenings I then sit down, but I often have ironing to do, sometimes some bits of work to finish.

DH’s day:

Gets up 8.15
Starts work 8.30
Finishes 5.00
Comes downstairs.
Puts on tv to whatever he wants to watch - usually sport.
Eats dinner
Goes back to lying on sofa.

At the weekend he golfs all day on Saturdays and plays two or three evenings a week as well.
I have wept with exhaustion when I’ve been unwell and awake most of the night but he has done nothing. Absolutely nothing. I’ve told him I’m exhausted. Nothing.
Is this just life?

Can you pay for the ironing and cleaning to be done? This man is obviously used to women waiting on him. Don't do it any more. Eat dinner with the kids. The situation is not sustainable. I would consider LTB.

Why does your husband behave like this? because he can. because you apart from the odd moan from you he just carries on behaving like this and from his point of view he has it all. great social life, children that are looked after by someone else, food on the table and a clean house. of course he doesnt want it to change, he is living his best life. so just stop. stop enabling him to do this. arrange things to do every other saturday which means he has to have the children and cant go to golf. dont cook tea. dont do the ironing. dont make his appointments for him just make the decision to stop. I 100% guarantee you he is NEVER going to change of his own free will. his view is why get a dog and bark yourself. so stop or this situation is never going to change.

Well op you are absolutely enabling him. You are on your knees and you know he won't change but choose to stay. You need to do something to save yourself from a burnout. The only thing is to leave him.

You are his housekeeper and child carer, not his wife .
Is he ever nice to you ?

He sends his laundry to his mother? When he works 40hrs a week and does fuck all else?

There is NO hope for this man. You cannot still love someone who treats you like this? He can't love you if he is content to watch you struggle and do fuck all.

You either need to accept this is your life forever, insist he outsources his share by paying for help or divorce.

You know that you have enabled this behaviour but I'm not here to bash you as I'm all about solutions! So you have two options, you either work to get him to change his ways or don't even bother and divorce him. Option 2 is tempting as you've already spelt out how lazy, selfish and heartless he is and he's ignored you. But if you want to still give him a final chance, you stop cooking for him, washing up after him, washing his clothes and only look after you and the kid. He'll soon learn that 'mummy' has had enough of his entitled behaviour and enough is enough.

What I would do is 100% go on strike with attitude and if that doesn't work LTB.

What is the point of him? What does he bring to the relationship? And why have you put up with this for so long?!

He won't change. There's no point asking. He doesn't give a Dann about you or how you feel.

I'd stop doing anything for him, see a solicitor, and start divorce proceedings.

He is totally in the wrong but somehow you have allowed this to happen. I don't know how you have put up with it for so long.

I get fed up with my DH not putting things away but he fully steps up in other ways - cooking, childcare, shopping, house maintenance, appointments etc. I realise how lucky I am from reading threads like this.

Take control of your own life.

@Treasurechestnerd

I cannot make him. I have stood, crying because I’m so tired (sorry, I know it’s pathetic) in the kitchen whilst ironing and he’s come in to get himself a drink and then just gone back into the other room. I have told him I can’t keep on like this. When he stuck his head in the kitchen this evening and asked me to phone the dentist to make an appointment for him when I ‘get a minute’ tomorrow I could have throttled him.

You know, when your partner ignores your pain like that - the relationship is done. It's not a question of 'respect' (whatever that means in the context people talk about it here) - it's just plain and simple empathy and care.

I wish I had of seen that, many years before my ex and I eventually split. It didn't end with the lying and the affairs (both) it ended years before, when he stonewalled my distress at our deadening relationship. When someone shows you they don't care about you, believe them and save yourself.

It's not an abstract 'idea' you can change if you just find a way to make him 'see' - it's now a concrete fact - he doesn't care about you.

He has a six figure salary but I’m not sure exactly where it all goes

@Treasurechesrnerd .... You need to find out, as a matter of urgency.

Because this isn't going to get any better.

You know the score. Stop this craziness and start focusing on your own needs.

See a SHL and prepare to leave this thoroughly obnoxious person.

Anything else would just end up as you rearranging the deckchairs on the Titanic.

But I expect you've been told this before but chose not to act on it. What's stopping you, other than sheer exhaustion?

You need to divorce that lazy bastard.

@Treasurechestnerd It's amazing how your own life situation doesn't hit home until you see someone else write down their own experience, and it exactly matches yours. When I saw your post i thought it would be a horrific list of things worse than the regime in my house, but it's identical, for your day and for his day, and it has really made me think. It's unacceptable. And yes, years of this has made me lose all feeling for dh. I used to think it was my problem that I feel this way, but when you see it in black and white, it's no wonder I've become resentful. It's not as if I can withhold bedroom services as a solution, seeing as we haven't had sex for 10 years, but that's another story!! It is not fair, DP. And sometimes there's no convincing them of that.

Have you actually told him what you need him to do to help? Or are you just crying and hoping he will notice how upset you are? Yes, sure he is a cunt for ignoring you crying, but as it is, you cry and he doesn't help, and nothing changes and that is what tomorrow will be like and the day after and....

You tell him you are exhausted, but do you actually tell him - demand - that he needs to do the ironing or to clean the bathrooms or take the children for the whole day at the weekends? There needs to be a discussion and a splitting up of all the jobs. Why can you not tell him this? Why do you carry on doing everything? What are you getting from it?

All your energy is going on your building resentment of him for not noticing. You need that energy to think clearly about exactly what it is that you want to happen that would make life better for you, and exactly what steps you both need to take to get there.

You would definitely be better off without him OP. Honestly. I truly think it’s fine for you to walk.

Down tools or leave him. This is no life for you. I can’t see the point of having such a selfish oaf around.

Jesus fucking Christ.

I don't know you from Adam, but there's no way I would treat you like your husband, the man who supposedly loves you, the man who has made vows to share his life with you, has done. Hell, if I hated you I still wouldn't leave you standing vomiting at the side of the football pitch, or crying in the kitchen. I'd tell you to go to bed and I'd take your kids home, even if we barely knew each other.

You are just a domestic appliance to him, one that occasionally makes annoying noises about being tired and unappreciated. You don't need his money or time off, why would you? You're just a washing machine/nannybot. It's a miracle he doesn't just kick you when you're malfunctioning by having feelings.

He doesn't do anything, he doesn't share finances, he doesn't support you emotionally, he doesn't believe you are a human being. There is literally nothing to salvage and no disadvantage whatever of divorcing his useless arse. You get a fixed amount of money off him, maybe even weekends off, and you no longer have to look at his piece of shit face lounging on the furniture while you cry and work yourself into the ground.

You have to go.

@BuffySummersReportingforSanity well said 👏

Is he financially abusive as well?

Why don't you know where the money is?

Er, what do you mean he'd say no? You don't need his permission, just leave a note. You care too much about what he thinks, let him think what he likes.

Definitely go on strike. Or make him a list and simply say these are the things that I am going to do and no more, and these are the things that will not be done unless you step up and do them.

Well if your DH went away for a weekend suddenly on their own, when it was very out of character you’d probably think it a bit odd?
Dh has had plenty of weekends away with his friends but never on his own.
I’ve had one night away since my oldest dc was born.
I don’t have access to the joint finances.

Well if your DH went away for a weekend suddenly on their own, when it was very out of character you’d probably think it a bit odd?
But it's not out of character, is it? You've never had the fucking chance. And you're exhausted. It's perfectly straightforward.

Incidentally, I've had several weekends away on my own since I had DC. So I could have a break. DH tends to prefer going away with friends, but if he said he wanted a weekend on his own to decompress and have a break, me "letting" him wouldn't come into it, or vice versa.

@Treasurechestnerd

Well if your DH went away for a weekend suddenly on their own, when it was very out of character you’d probably think it a bit odd? Dh has had plenty of weekends away with his friends but never on his own. I’ve had one night away since my oldest dc was born. I don’t have access to the joint finances.

I'm really confused...why don't you have access to the 'joint' finances?

So he is financially abusive too?

You need a lawyer.

Help yourself OP and get as many copies of your financial paperwork together.

Divorce him and make him pay.

Life would be better and probably not harder without this financially abusive waster.