I am fast approaching the end of my tether.

[Treasurechestnerd]

Apologies as I’ve posted before about DH and how he doesn’t do anything in the house or with the dc. The advice was to talk to him, which I have, and NOTHING has changed. I have had enough. I was a sahm for three years. Did everything. Then I got a job that was 20 hours a week. Did everything. Now my job is 28 hours a week but is often more like 30 hours and I’m still doing everything. He works 40 hours a week. My hours are over four days but on my day off I realistically have 9.30-2.30 around fetching dc2 and spend most or all of that doing errands / housework. Dc1 is 12 but with some SEND and dc2 is 5. DH works from home 100% of the time, I do a mix of about 50/50.

My day is this -

6am - get up, shower, dressed.
6.30am - get dc1 up, breakfasted, sorted for school.
7am - get dc2 up, dressed, breakfast, ready for school.
7.30am - drop dc1 to his friend’s house so they can walk to school and be there for 8.15am. I leave dc2 in front of a screen for ten minutes as her father is still in bed.
7.45 - go back and brush dc2’s teeth and hair.
8am - take dc2 to breakfast club.
8.30am - start work.
4pm - go and pick dc2 up from after school club, dc1 walks unless he has a club which he does twice a week, in which case I go and fetch him after I’ve got dc2.
4.30pm - get home, sort the dc out with snacks etc
5pm - start dinner
5.30/6pm dinner - I clear up as much as I can whilst everyone else eats. The plates are stacked on the side when they’ve finished eating.
6pm - I try and spend an hour or so with the dc, either in garden, or listening to dc2 read, helping with dc1’s homework etc
7.30pm bathtime for dc2.
8pm - I do stories with dc2 and she’s usually in bed for 8.30pm
Then I go downstairs and wash up the plates from dinner, empty washing machine, get washing in off line if out, sort out lunches for the following day.
9.30pm - dc1 goes to bed and I read to him too, because he likes it.
I’m normally back downstairs by 10pm, some evenings I then sit down, but I often have ironing to do, sometimes some bits of work to finish.

DH’s day:

Gets up 8.15
Starts work 8.30
Finishes 5.00
Comes downstairs.
Puts on tv to whatever he wants to watch - usually sport.
Eats dinner
Goes back to lying on sofa.

At the weekend he golfs all day on Saturdays and plays two or three evenings a week as well.
I have wept with exhaustion when I’ve been unwell and awake most of the night but he has done nothing. Absolutely nothing. I’ve told him I’m exhausted. Nothing.
Is this just life?

He's horrrible @Treasurechestnerd He doesn't care about you. A husband should. A friend or even a stranger would.

If you’re so tired you are crying, why are you ironing? Ironing doesn’t absolutely have to be done. Maybe decide how much work is fair for you to do, tell him, and stop doing the rest.

Or just divorce him. You don’t need to be a martyr.

Write your daily itinerary down, like you did in your post here, and then his short one, by comparison. Maybe if he reads it in black and white he’ll see the difference more clearly? Hoping...if not, then I’d get out.

A possible added benefit yo you from leaving him could be that he may have the children sometimes, even if it is only because he doesn't want any of his friends or family who still speak to this dispicable man, to think he is shirking his "duties as a father". Just think you may have a few hours off occassionally, and he might eventually have them for a whole weekend - sorry OP, I got a bit carried away with myself there, in the sad likelihood that the lazy b***d never has the children, at least you won't have him to contend with as well.

@sleepfortheweek

Does he bring anything positive to your life at all? Do you still love him?

If the answer is no - I would say leave. And I don't say that lightly but you sound exhausted and miserable.

If you split, he will likely have them every other weekend and maybe even during the week which means he'll come to realise just how much you've been doing and you'll have the added benefit of an occasional break and time for yourself

It doesn’t matter if he brings any positive, nothing could outweigh this level of dead fucking weight.

No guarantee at all he would have kids every other weekend. It might interfere with golf. The important thing is op lets everyone know ‘I’d love him to have dc occasionally but golf and himself are his only actual loves, so he flat out refuses as it would interfere with spending time on both of those things.’

He can stick his dentist appt where the sun doesn’t shine. I can’t believe you’ve done it for him in the past, it’s never crossed my mind to book dh a dentist appt. he’s an adult.

He sounds horrific OP. Any person who cracks on with doing nothing while watching their partner cry with exhaustion is a cunt. End of.

What did you say when he asked you to sort his dentist appointment? I hope you said no. Either leave him now, without further discussion, or sit him down and tell him that if things don’t change you will divorce him. Be clear on your expectations and that they are non-negotiable. And then stick to it. Leave him if he doesn’t step up.

I genuinely couldn’t live with somebody who so clearly did not give a shit about me.

Share with him the list you showed us here and his and ask him what tasks he is now going to take on, so x number of days making meals, washing etc etc. If he doesn’t do anything then simply tell him you are prepared to look after the kids but not him and stop doing anything for him, he cooks his own meal, he does his own washing and ironing, he shops for his own food he makes his own appointments

I dint often say it but I'd LTB ..... at least that way you'd get some child free time

The wisest thing I ever learned was that you can’t change someone else, you can only change yourself. He won’t change. You have to. At the moment you are allowing him to get away with this. Stop cooking for him. Stop washing his clothes. Stop doing his life admin. Insist he gets off his arse and does something.

Or leave him.

He won't change

Why do you put up with it?

Please get some therapy

So when he says to ring when you get a min to make him the appointment what was the answer? Surely it's a matter of saying "no, I don't have time. You'll have to do it yourself". Were you ironing his clothes? If so, stop that - tell him you see no reason why you should iron his clothes whilst he lies on the sofa and from now on you won't have the time. Sit down to eat - stop giving the message that you're the person who cleans up whilst everyone else eats. As a previous poster said - it's not a good message for your children.

Basically - start placing a value on yourself.

@Chloemol

Share with him the list you showed us here and his and ask him what tasks he is now going to take on, so x number of days making meals, washing etc etc. If he doesn’t do anything then simply tell him you are prepared to look after the kids but not him and stop doing anything for him, he cooks his own meal, he does his own washing and ironing, he shops for his own food he makes his own appointments

This. Stop doing stuff for him specifically. I'd also cancel the sports TV subscription if there is one.

Is the house in joint names? Because the above is a short term solution. You'll be less overworked even as a fully single parent without this dead weight.

You know what op, you won't be thanked for this gargantuan effort in years to come.

He will look back and remember it as both of you contributed 50/50.
They always do.

You have to let go of the reins, all law and order will have to break down before he understands he is not putting any effort into this demanding time of life.

Pp's are correct in stating it would be easier without him.
Just think of the workload lessening if he wasn't taking up air space.

Either tell him to step up or feck off.

Don’t do anything for him at all.

Sort yourself and your dc out.

Speak to a divorce solicitor.

Fuck this lazy twonk - you may as well be on your own.

LTB

What would happen if you didn’t cook for him? Or wash his clothes and make his appointments?
Stop doing anything directly for him immediately.

Don't make lists for him or beg him. Divorce him. Even if he did change (he wont) how could you ever love someone who stood and watched you cry with exhaustion and did nothing. He's a fucking bastard.

Divorce.

Totally agree about the ironing! I iron a few things about twice a year. The creases come out of most things these days as soon as you put them on - including kids school uniforms. Only pure cotton or linen items may need an iron, but polycotton shirts etc are fine. Sheets and pillowcases will flatten out when you use them. Seriously - stop ironing immediately!

Other than that, please LTB. He is a selfish pig who doesn't care about anything but himself. Good luck.

@Treasurechestnerd

So him your question and this thread

Op you need to get a backbone and start saying no. Why cry about the dentist? Just laugh at him and tell him to do it himself?
Stop ironing
Stop making his meals

I'd just leave the plates etc there till he washed them. I'd do the absolute bare minimum, and I mean the bare minimum. Then I'd see what state the house is in after 2 weeks. Then take photos. Then tell him you're divorcing.

He sounds horrible. I'd definitely stop ironing his clothes, stop putting his laundry away, stop clearing up after him.

Does he really do NOTHING? What about household maintenance and bills , does he even help with that?

I don't think you can should stop washing up or doing laundry, you may as well chuck his stuff in. But if you have a full load, make sure it is his clothes that are left out and not washed. Also stop buying food and drive that he specifically likes, just buy food aimed at you and the kids.

Do you still have a sex life with him? If yes then I'd be "too exhausted for sex" from now on. Also I would be waking him up at 6am, open the curtains and windows, tell the kids when they want something to go and ask daddy for it even if he is asleep.

"When he stuck his head in the kitchen this evening and asked me to phone the dentist to make an appointment for him when I ‘get a minute’ tomorrow I could have throttled him."

But what was your response to this? You can't really complain if you're not setting boundaries and pushing back. I be telling him to go call the F-ing dentist himself.

Why would he change. He has a great life! Food, clean clothes, a clean house, no children to look after etc. Sounds perfect to me.

You, however, can make your life a bit easier by reducing the number of people you cook, clean and run around after.

I hope you didn't book that appointment for him. If you did then tbh you only have yourself to blame at this point.

He won’t change. There is no incentive for him to change.

By not supporting you in a fair share of the domestic family duties he is treating you like a lowly unpaid domestic servant. There is no love, respect, kindness or goodwill in any of that.

You have given him a million opportunities to step up. I am sure you have asked for help kindly, upset, angry, with resentment and still no support.

He has no incentive to change if it means it will impact on his rest and recreation time.

I have been in your shoes and it was a dispiriting and devastating experience. I would seek out support for an exit strategy. You know you can’t continue as is, and frankly once separated, you will have one less person to carry (him) and when he sees your children there will at least be some time out for yourself. I am sorry you are going through this