I am fast approaching the end of my tether.

[Treasurechestnerd]

Apologies as I’ve posted before about DH and how he doesn’t do anything in the house or with the dc. The advice was to talk to him, which I have, and NOTHING has changed. I have had enough. I was a sahm for three years. Did everything. Then I got a job that was 20 hours a week. Did everything. Now my job is 28 hours a week but is often more like 30 hours and I’m still doing everything. He works 40 hours a week. My hours are over four days but on my day off I realistically have 9.30-2.30 around fetching dc2 and spend most or all of that doing errands / housework. Dc1 is 12 but with some SEND and dc2 is 5. DH works from home 100% of the time, I do a mix of about 50/50.

My day is this -

6am - get up, shower, dressed.
6.30am - get dc1 up, breakfasted, sorted for school.
7am - get dc2 up, dressed, breakfast, ready for school.
7.30am - drop dc1 to his friend’s house so they can walk to school and be there for 8.15am. I leave dc2 in front of a screen for ten minutes as her father is still in bed.
7.45 - go back and brush dc2’s teeth and hair.
8am - take dc2 to breakfast club.
8.30am - start work.
4pm - go and pick dc2 up from after school club, dc1 walks unless he has a club which he does twice a week, in which case I go and fetch him after I’ve got dc2.
4.30pm - get home, sort the dc out with snacks etc
5pm - start dinner
5.30/6pm dinner - I clear up as much as I can whilst everyone else eats. The plates are stacked on the side when they’ve finished eating.
6pm - I try and spend an hour or so with the dc, either in garden, or listening to dc2 read, helping with dc1’s homework etc
7.30pm bathtime for dc2.
8pm - I do stories with dc2 and she’s usually in bed for 8.30pm
Then I go downstairs and wash up the plates from dinner, empty washing machine, get washing in off line if out, sort out lunches for the following day.
9.30pm - dc1 goes to bed and I read to him too, because he likes it.
I’m normally back downstairs by 10pm, some evenings I then sit down, but I often have ironing to do, sometimes some bits of work to finish.

DH’s day:

Gets up 8.15
Starts work 8.30
Finishes 5.00
Comes downstairs.
Puts on tv to whatever he wants to watch - usually sport.
Eats dinner
Goes back to lying on sofa.

At the weekend he golfs all day on Saturdays and plays two or three evenings a week as well.
I have wept with exhaustion when I’ve been unwell and awake most of the night but he has done nothing. Absolutely nothing. I’ve told him I’m exhausted. Nothing.
Is this just life?

Grow some balls OP!!!! God i know it's bloody hard but tell the lazy twat you earn huge ammounts..pay for a cleaner, get your act together or we're all off. He's got everyone running around after him and you're daft enough to do it. Get a grip with your parent's you're an adult it's your situation. Be blunt and tell them how difficult it all is, maybe you could initially take your kids there? You don't necessarily have to have their approval just your back no matter what. GET BLUNT with your lazy twat of a husband.

dd in particular is set on a nuclear family

Don't make your dd responsible for your choice to stay

If your DH won't leave you would be able to apply for interim maintenance to rent somewhere. My DP's ex wife took out a loan to cover costs for their divorce while it was going through and the costs for the divorce came out of the final settlement. You don't have to rely on your parents for accommodation. You are not as stuck as you think you are.

The dc love DH though, dd in particular is set on a nuclear family.
I’m also going to need my parents to help me because if DH won’t leave I’d need to go there

Why do you think this?
Your DS told you he wish you'd never met his Dad, you DD wrote a father's day card to her grandad- ? What does that say to you? How did you hear that?

You also do not need your parents support. You need support in finding your own strength.

On one level ALL DC want the media projected nuclear family.

The conflicting messages your DC are giving out reflect your own message.

It is incredibly difficult for DC do express a dislike for a parent and even when they do they still love that parent. DC severely abused by a parent still love them.

The situation you live in is far worse than you realise.

Do not make your DC feelings the reason for staying. They don't understand what is normal/abuse/wrong.

They love him because they have to. It doesn't mean they're happy and not suffering. And don't forget that your daughter doesn't even think he deserves a father's day card.

Regarding children and these types of 'fathers', my daughter who is now in her twenties sunter3d into the kitchen this morning and said 'did I know it's father's day today?'. I said said no and said what did you send him. We both looked at each other and laughed. Because it is a joke. He's no father to her.

But when we split up he did the whole Disney dad thing for other people's benefit. Also convinced our DD that I was the evil one for leaving poor him.

Fast forward 18 months and he moved his GF in (I now believe he was seeing her before the marriage ended). GF took dislike to our DD. DD was therefore toast to DF and he's had no contact for last 7 years, tried to pull her out of her school to try to force me to stop spousal maintenance, not paid a penny towards university costs. All the people around me claiming what a nice guy he was and therefore intimating that I wasn't, can now go f**k themselves.

They reinforced and enabled the stepford wife set up, probably because they're in it themselves.

Not surprisingly you are in this situation if your parents are so selfish.

After 6 weeks at 20, they encouraged you to marry him, and now they don't like him, but say you have to stay with this abusive pig for 10 years?

Christ, what a shit show.

What age are you OP that you are so dictated to by your awful parents?

The dc love DH though, dd in particular is set on a nuclear family.

They wish their dad was different and that they had a happy family - they've told you this - but they don't have a happy family and they are very unhappy.

You are not giving them what they want, by staying. You are giving them more of what they don't want.

Please get some counselling for yourself.

PLEASE I am literally begging you, please take an hour and research BACP registered therapists in your area.
Read what they say, contact a few, trust your gut and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD book an appointment.

You do not seem to have much sense of self. It is not for your parents or your husband to run your life....or for your 5 year old to say she doesn't want to send a card or a 12 year old to say he wishes you had never met his Dad.

You are a person, a whole thing on your own. Please try to discover that somehow.

a 5 year old is set on a nuclear family????? What?

5 year olds think they can change into magical horses.

Please , please be an adult.

@Treasurechestnerd

It is a constant back and forth, that’s exactly how it is. I think I can’t stand it and then I think my parents are saying I’ve got to wait so I’ll have to wait. The dc love DH though, dd in particular is set on a nuclear family. I’m also going to need my parents to help me because if DH won’t leave I’d need to go there.

Well the longer she sees this dynamic modelled and normalised, the more likely she will replicate it by having a nuclear family with a controlling, nasty, abusive arsehole too. And stay despite the abuse if he's nice 'sometimes' because that's what she's been taught is healthy. It isn't.

He is both lazy and abusive and your DC are beginning to notice this. Get out before it gets worse. You may not have much money but at least you will have your pride. You are married so are entitled to half the assets.

Your relationship with your parents sounds unhealthy and is probably why you are having trouble leaving your unhealthy relationship with DH.

Counselling would really help you to see what the problems are with your relationships OP and help you develop the skills for how to address these.

It's time to break the cycle. Your parents sound dysfunctional and crap, and now Your own kids are having a crap childhood - be the one to break the cycle OP.

Your attitude financially makes no sense. You'd get 50% of everything he has. Pension, house, everything. You'd buy a smaller house with as little maintenance required as possible. Sort it now before the kids are any older.

Your solicitor is their to fight for you to have more than 50/50. Presumably if you kept a diary of his childcare contributions vs yours it would show he does nothing. Therefore he wouldn't get 50/50.

Stop listening to your parents. They're talking utter bollocks.

To me it sounds like you are putting to much importance on what other people think. Remember you? You have needs. What about what you want? What will make you happy?

It’s your life not your parents, they don’t get to decide the future of your relationship it’s not their decision to make. Also children may like the idea of a nuclear family but obviously don’t have the maturity to understand the reality of being in a relationship that isn’t working. Please don’t feel guilty for thinking about what you need for a change and your happiness.

Smh. The DC aren't set on the idea of a nuclear family, you are OP.. at any cost.

I'm fairly certain you are touching on dependant personality disorder and that needs to be addressed if you're ever going to stand on your own two feet. Thats also why he chose you, he knew you were impressionable and vunerable.

I suspect you have minimized to everyone around you as you have done with us and that's why no-one has encouraged you to leave.

If you want your life to be better you are going to have to stop playing the downtrodden matyr/little girl lost and take some responsibility for the direction of your life.

He is abusive OP and deep down you know this as well as we do.... The pregnancy pocket money, no access to finances, the laziness, members of your family having to clothe your children because you are afraid to ask, your own children wishing he wasn't around. None of this is remotely normal.

You're in a very strong position financially because you will receive an excellent settlement, and as far as 50/50 access goes think logically. Why would he want that amount of access when he can't even be arsed to get them ready for school on a single morning or clean up the mess when your ds has made a mess in the toilet???

Is your husband in some sort of 'revered'position.....medical?psychiatrist?

How can you trust your parents' point of view when they encouraged you to marry him at the tender age of 20 after knowing him 6 weeks? Was it because they saw him as a good bet financially? Because it can't have been because they realised he was a perfect fit for you. No one would know that after a mere 6 weeks. I have a dd of 20. I'd be horrified if she was considering getting married.

To add to my last sentence... especially after only 6 weeks.

@Treasurechestnerd

It is a constant back and forth, that’s exactly how it is. I think I can’t stand it and then I think my parents are saying I’ve got to wait so I’ll have to wait. The dc love DH though, dd in particular is set on a nuclear family. I’m also going to need my parents to help me because if DH won’t leave I’d need to go there.

DD doesn't understand though , adult relationships are complex.

I don’t know why it was. They said I was an adult and it was up to me. My previous boyfriend of two years was Asian and my mum hated that so I think she was just glad he was white. I remember her saying he’d got a good job and I’d be crazy to say no.
I’ve disappointed my mum my entire life. However by the time we got married she didn’t like DH and now she positively loathes him.

" just glad he was white"
" a good job"
"disappointed my mum my entire life"

What is the good job please?

I am seriously beginning to wonder if this is the UK in the 21st century.

@Treasurechestnerd

I don’t know why it was. They said I was an adult and it was up to me. My previous boyfriend of two years was Asian and my mum hated that so I think she was just glad he was white. I remember her saying he’d got a good job and I’d be crazy to say no. I’ve disappointed my mum my entire life. However by the time we got married she didn’t like DH and now she positively loathes him.

Positively loathes him yet wants her own daughter and grandchildren to live with him for another decade?

Yeah, I wouldn't be taking too much of her relationship 'advice' on board tbh.

Have you seen loads of us saying how damaging it is to grow up in a household with the relationship you and your husband have? You don't seem to have acknowledged that by staying you're actively contributing to your children, your daughter, being more likely to be in abusive, controlling and unhappy relationships in future. Do you not see that?

I’ve disappointed my mum my entire life

Hopefully the feeling is entirely mutual.