I am fast approaching the end of my tether.

[Treasurechestnerd]

Apologies as I’ve posted before about DH and how he doesn’t do anything in the house or with the dc. The advice was to talk to him, which I have, and NOTHING has changed. I have had enough. I was a sahm for three years. Did everything. Then I got a job that was 20 hours a week. Did everything. Now my job is 28 hours a week but is often more like 30 hours and I’m still doing everything. He works 40 hours a week. My hours are over four days but on my day off I realistically have 9.30-2.30 around fetching dc2 and spend most or all of that doing errands / housework. Dc1 is 12 but with some SEND and dc2 is 5. DH works from home 100% of the time, I do a mix of about 50/50.

My day is this -

6am - get up, shower, dressed.
6.30am - get dc1 up, breakfasted, sorted for school.
7am - get dc2 up, dressed, breakfast, ready for school.
7.30am - drop dc1 to his friend’s house so they can walk to school and be there for 8.15am. I leave dc2 in front of a screen for ten minutes as her father is still in bed.
7.45 - go back and brush dc2’s teeth and hair.
8am - take dc2 to breakfast club.
8.30am - start work.
4pm - go and pick dc2 up from after school club, dc1 walks unless he has a club which he does twice a week, in which case I go and fetch him after I’ve got dc2.
4.30pm - get home, sort the dc out with snacks etc
5pm - start dinner
5.30/6pm dinner - I clear up as much as I can whilst everyone else eats. The plates are stacked on the side when they’ve finished eating.
6pm - I try and spend an hour or so with the dc, either in garden, or listening to dc2 read, helping with dc1’s homework etc
7.30pm bathtime for dc2.
8pm - I do stories with dc2 and she’s usually in bed for 8.30pm
Then I go downstairs and wash up the plates from dinner, empty washing machine, get washing in off line if out, sort out lunches for the following day.
9.30pm - dc1 goes to bed and I read to him too, because he likes it.
I’m normally back downstairs by 10pm, some evenings I then sit down, but I often have ironing to do, sometimes some bits of work to finish.

DH’s day:

Gets up 8.15
Starts work 8.30
Finishes 5.00
Comes downstairs.
Puts on tv to whatever he wants to watch - usually sport.
Eats dinner
Goes back to lying on sofa.

At the weekend he golfs all day on Saturdays and plays two or three evenings a week as well.
I have wept with exhaustion when I’ve been unwell and awake most of the night but he has done nothing. Absolutely nothing. I’ve told him I’m exhausted. Nothing.
Is this just life?

OP, he's not going to change. Ever.

Don't bother with trying to change him, 'make him responsible for XYZ', or with going away for the weekend or whatever. All that is just pissing in the wind.

He's a lazy, disrespectful, arrogant arsehole who clearly sees you as his skivvy and has no intention of changing that view. So your options are - suck it up, or divorce him.

Divorce might seem overwhelming at the moment, but I promise you, your life will improve x1000 when you get rid of this deadweight deadbeat dragging you (and your kids) down.

He has zero respect for you, get rid of him.

Well as you say you can’t make him turn into super dad.

Option 2 is get help. You said he has a 6 figure salary but you don’t know where it goes - do you have a joint bank account? If he is the main earner you should have access to it.

Anyway it sounds like you need a cleaner for a good few hours a week and can afford it. So do that.

Get takeaways or ready meals for half the week. Stop ironing (what are you ironing??) stop washing up (get a dishwasher if you don’t have one). Great that you have stopped all secretarial work for him - keep that up.

If you are just long term tired is it possible to drop down to 20 hours at work while you get your self together for 6 months? If not, then the idea to make him responsible for one kid as above is a great one.

Then perhaps book a half day off at the weekends simply by announcing that Sat pm is daddy time!

But please do get yourself fair access to money.

Option 3 is separate.

Keep quiet about this. Try option 2, but if it turns out you don’t want to be married to this man (and who could blame you) then quietly gather all financial info, and go see a solicitor.

Again you need access to all the family money

I would personally leave him. He has no respect for you. He needs to want to change and it really sounds like he doesn’t care enough to do his share. He’d rather you drown and burn out.

Is this just life?
It is if you accept it. Let’s face it, you’re a single parent as it is, except living with an extra lump of worthless flesh that causes you more issues than helps you. Creates more work for you, and when you do try an get him to participate in this partnership he offloads jobs into his mummy or completely ignores you. As a PP said, LTB shouldn’t be the first port of call but what is he actually adding to you or your children’s life? He seems like a shit partner and a shit dad. Why keep him around when all he is doing is making you resent him and being a bad role model for his children. I wouldn’t want my kids growing up thinking that a woman’s place is to do everything while the man rots away on the sofa. You’ll be so much happier away from him.

Sometimes it seems impossible to see yourself out of situations like this. Your already exhausted, adding a divorce, planning, move, taking back control just seems overwhelming so you see that 'if he just changed' things would be easier, better...

He's keeping you hanging on to a hope that keeps him comfortable and in control. Even when you told him to make his own dental appointment he made you Google the number? He won that one again.

Look to his mum- you wouldn't do his washing so he took it to hers?? And she did it? How did that conversation go? 'Mum, she won't do my washing, you do it' - that's so demeaning, but also shows his belief in what he thinks of women.

How does he speak to his mum? More importantly how does she speak to him? Is he in control of that situation too? Are you now his mum?

You will never change him. You'll burn out if this carries on, put that oxygen mask on yourself before you drop and change this situation by ending it.

Is he in complete control of the finances also?

What is stopping you from divorcing him? That's what you need to work through, not whether you should.

Is this just life? Well, it’s certainly your life if you choose to accept it. On and on, grinding you down.. Unless YOU make changes. Why should he change? His life is pretty great - he’s got you doing all the work. Please op - you said it yourself, you have two choices - stay or go. Make the right one, please.

I’m exhausted just reading that. You are actually a single parent with a lodger. Time to stop facilitating and being a martyr. You deserve so much better than he’s willing to give.

Please don’t make the mistake of thinking this is just life, or it’s normal. It’s not. This is no kind of relationship, no kind of tag team, no kind of partnership. Your life doesn’t have to be this way but only you can change it. He’s made it clear that he’s not willing to change. And even if he pulled his socks up for a period, it wouldn’t remain that way. He’s not a team player.

If you haven't reached the end of your tether yet, I'm wondering what else he'd have to do (or not do) before you do reach it.

I can see you no longer wash his clothes and you've spoken to him about it. I'm not sure what else you can do.

You could pay people to help, such as cleaners, take aways, ironing etc but that won't stop your resentment of him doing nothing around the house or with the dc.

Your relationship with your dh is the blueprint your dc will use on what a loving relationship should be. Do you really want them thinking that this is normal and the way things should be.

I’ve read the OPs posts but not the whole thread. If DH is on a 6 figure salary, and IF (a mistake, but your choice, OP) you aren’t going to kick him out (as an aside I repeat what others have asked, what would you miss if he went? The opportunity to look after a entitled man child?), at least use some of that money to make life easier. A cleaner. A person who irons. A house manager…..

He sounds like a right bastard. You need to try and get access to all the finances. I'd divorce him

Some good advice here. Definitely get a cleaner who irons. We hardly iron anything here. Dh does the odd work shirt. I will iron a dress on occasion. That's it.

I would have likely staved his head in with that bloody iron now.

The dentist thing makes it sound as though in his mind you're still a SAHM handling all the home admin. Hadn't he noticed you now work 30 hours per week AND all you do at home.

LTB.

Or if you're not ready for that you have to get very specific with him on what you need him to do. Not a negotiation, just handing him a list.

I told my DH when I felt particular fucked off at his inability/not arsed-ness to do anything, that if we split up, I'd have more time. He'd have the kids all to himself for X days per week and I'd be free! He could fuck off back to his parents if all he wanted was food & clean clothes.
That did the trick and he is far more of a partner now.

I do hope a similarly laid out argument might be the switch needed to kick your 'd' h up the arse

If you're not concerned about his ability to care for the children, then a split could be better for you, and your MH.

Ok, this is crazy and you know it. He has a 6-figure salary. If he won't step up to help, he can pay someone else to? Get a cleaner, an ironing service, a gardener, a nanny? Someone who could get the kids to and from school and cook a meal for them.

Otherwise, I suggest you leave him and have one less person to look after. He sounds like a lazy bastard, no way could I spend my life with someone like that. What are you getting out of this relationship?

If he has a six figure salary , you can afford to outsource some things. Get a cleaner in , enough days that includes ironing and maybe food prep.

I can’t believe what I’ve just read. Is this the 19 fucking 50s? At least then you wouldn’t have had to work at all. What’s his justification for being such an utter fucking lazy cunt? That he’s got a penis? OP you’d be better as a single parent than putting up with this twat any longer. I’m so angry that dinosaurs like this still exist.

OP, for your sake you need to get tougher. Strangers on the internet care more about what this is doing to you than your own husband does. If/when you divorce there will be times where he has the children on his own, and he is utterly clueless. He steps up now, or he learns the hard way. In a way, I think he's had more chances than he deserves, but I'm not in your marriage so only you can decide. But imagine having fewer meals to cook, on fewer days. Less laundry. No other adult badgering you to make appointments for them. It's hardly going to be worse than now, surely?

Even when I was heavily pregnant and being sick constantly (for the entire nine months) I still had to take dc1 to football on Fridays and Sunday mornings. Standing on a field for two hours, being sick into a bag. Not my finest moments.

What made you think that you had to take him, OP? The fact is, you didn't have to. You could have explained to DC1 that unfortunately you were not able to take him to football because you were unwell and that his dad would have to take him instead.

You do not "have to" do everything. Stop ironing for a start! If DH or DC1 want ironed clothes, they can do it themselves. DC2 won't care.

Don't do DH's laundry. He's quite capable of doing his own. Put DC1's clean (unironed!) laundry in a basket in his room and ask him to put it away himself.

I don't think I could live with a person as selfish and lazy as your DH, to be honest. But if you're intending to stay with him you need to make changes in order to make your life more manageable and tolerable.

You feel like it's so tough that you can't cope for much longer.

You want things to change.

Everyone in here agrees with you. But the only person who can make the change is you. It's just the same as doing with an alcoholic, drug addict etc, you cannot change him. All you can do is decide how you want your life to be and what you are prepared to do to achieve that. No amount of crying to strangers is going to improve your husband's attitude. No amount of anything is going to improve his attitude, in fact. He is the only one who can do that.

So what are you going to do?

I remember your original post and the advice you received. If I remember rightly he refuses to pay for a cleaner doesn't he? I'm usually the first to encourage couples to work through any problems but this is beyond all that. I think you know it won't get any better. Now is the time to start making plans to divorce. Don't forewarn him as he is likely to start hiding money from you (from what you said previously). I have no experience of divorce but I'm sure there are plenty of people to give you good advice on here. Good luck. I hope your life improves soon

I had one of those. I call it 'king of the castle syndrome' ie he earns the big money therefore you are his servant because all that parenting and household stuff isn't important to him and he knows you will do it regardless. You cannot change a selfish, self involved man into a good husband and father. You have to leave. It's inevitable.

Bear in mind though, that looking after his own children if you divorce may not happen. Mine did EOW and one evening a week until his girlfriend moved in, then it stopped altogether as she took a dislike to our daughter and was rude and abusive to her whilst he looked on. Also golf came first so that she was left home alone on his weekends, even though she was scared of being in the house alone. No change in his selfishness at all.

However, having my own house, a good divorce settlement, new partner and not having to put up with his nonsense anymore is priceless. You will find yourself, be calmer, more optimistic. Be the person you are meant to be.

Just noticed that he takes his laundry to his mother. Priceless! Another female servant for him to exploit.

@reader12

I don’t mean stop ironing until the ironing pile is a mountain, I mean cut ironing out of the laundry process completely. If clothes are clean, people can wear them. If they don’t like things looking wrinkled they can iron them themselves, but probably nobody cares. If your husband needs ironed shirts, he can do it himself once he runs out. You don’t have to be an ironing martyr, you’re choosing to do that.

But this doesn’t really solve anything. He’s horrible and you’re letting him treat you like a dormant. Find your anger and self respect and leave.

This with ironing. I stopped during lockdown and I struggled at first but creases do fall out very quick and now I only iron for certain occasions like school photos! Saves so much time and energy.

Do try and involve DSs in the housework. DS1 is 8 and he has a check list which his screen time is dependent on it being complete. Just getting ready in the morning, clearing up after meals. At the weekend I create a list of chores and everyone pitches in. This one is a bit more of a battle.