I am fast approaching the end of my tether.

[Treasurechestnerd]

Apologies as I’ve posted before about DH and how he doesn’t do anything in the house or with the dc. The advice was to talk to him, which I have, and NOTHING has changed. I have had enough. I was a sahm for three years. Did everything. Then I got a job that was 20 hours a week. Did everything. Now my job is 28 hours a week but is often more like 30 hours and I’m still doing everything. He works 40 hours a week. My hours are over four days but on my day off I realistically have 9.30-2.30 around fetching dc2 and spend most or all of that doing errands / housework. Dc1 is 12 but with some SEND and dc2 is 5. DH works from home 100% of the time, I do a mix of about 50/50.

My day is this -

6am - get up, shower, dressed.
6.30am - get dc1 up, breakfasted, sorted for school.
7am - get dc2 up, dressed, breakfast, ready for school.
7.30am - drop dc1 to his friend’s house so they can walk to school and be there for 8.15am. I leave dc2 in front of a screen for ten minutes as her father is still in bed.
7.45 - go back and brush dc2’s teeth and hair.
8am - take dc2 to breakfast club.
8.30am - start work.
4pm - go and pick dc2 up from after school club, dc1 walks unless he has a club which he does twice a week, in which case I go and fetch him after I’ve got dc2.
4.30pm - get home, sort the dc out with snacks etc
5pm - start dinner
5.30/6pm dinner - I clear up as much as I can whilst everyone else eats. The plates are stacked on the side when they’ve finished eating.
6pm - I try and spend an hour or so with the dc, either in garden, or listening to dc2 read, helping with dc1’s homework etc
7.30pm bathtime for dc2.
8pm - I do stories with dc2 and she’s usually in bed for 8.30pm
Then I go downstairs and wash up the plates from dinner, empty washing machine, get washing in off line if out, sort out lunches for the following day.
9.30pm - dc1 goes to bed and I read to him too, because he likes it.
I’m normally back downstairs by 10pm, some evenings I then sit down, but I often have ironing to do, sometimes some bits of work to finish.

DH’s day:

Gets up 8.15
Starts work 8.30
Finishes 5.00
Comes downstairs.
Puts on tv to whatever he wants to watch - usually sport.
Eats dinner
Goes back to lying on sofa.

At the weekend he golfs all day on Saturdays and plays two or three evenings a week as well.
I have wept with exhaustion when I’ve been unwell and awake most of the night but he has done nothing. Absolutely nothing. I’ve told him I’m exhausted. Nothing.
Is this just life?

Ok, well personally I'd tell him exactly why I was doing it and not particularly care if he thought it was random. I'd tell him about how the drink episode made you feel (although why a fully grown adult needs this explaining to them is beyond me). Otherwise he really won't stop and you're right, you'll have two options: accept it or leave.

But he doesn't get to say no. He's not your boss or your owner. You are being controlled by this man.

There is no point speaking to him again, other than to tell him you're filing for a divorce. He earns a huge wage. You'll see more of it in a divorce settlement than you do at the moment.

I personally wouldn't go away and leave my children with him either. He is a detached and uncaring father and I would not leave my DC with such a person either. My ex husband was the same with our twins. I did not leave him with them despite advice on here to do so. I knew they wouldn't be safe!

He’s not the boss of you even though he acts like he is and you feel like he is. I truly don’t think your relationship is a redeemable and though you’re absolutely dragged down right now and possibly can’t see a way out, there is and you can. Have a rest, today as much as you can and begin planning your future by getting hold of bits and bobs of paperwork. You would be ok on your own, you would.

I don’t mean stop ironing until the ironing pile is a mountain, I mean cut ironing out of the laundry process completely. If clothes are clean, people can wear them. If they don’t like things looking wrinkled they can iron them themselves, but probably nobody cares. If your husband needs ironed shirts, he can do it himself once he runs out. You don’t have to be an ironing martyr, you’re choosing to do that.

But this doesn’t really solve anything. He’s horrible and you’re letting him treat you like a dormant. Find your anger and self respect and leave.

Do you have access to his money or only your own?

If he earns 6 figures, so at least 100k you can afford a cleaner who irons

It sounds like you need to fight back

You’re his maid now! Why?!

I get the impression your 'chat with him' isn't going to include the words 'you are a terrible husband, and I'm seeking a divorce'.

But rather the same wishy washy 'you got to help more' which he will totally ignore. He might well make the right noises initially.

You still haven't said why you don't divorce him op, but in case it's finances, fwiw I've just divorced my ex, also on a 6 figure salary, and I have got our house (mortgage nearly paid off, he got his pensions), and £1600 a month in combined spousal/child maintenance. He has to look after our children two days a week, which is great, as I use that time to work/leisure.

On his salary, you have nothing to worry about divorce wise.

Why can't you leave him as in break up???

He has a six figure salary and you are married. Assets will be split following solicitors negotiating and he will be required to pay CMS.

Why are you choosing to stay and continue showing your children that this is what a relationship looks like?

The longer you stay the more likely it is they'll end up in a relationship like this. Is that what you want?

Talking to him won't help because he doesn't care. He holds you in contempt. Letting you take them to football vomiting into a bag. Getting himself a drink and saying nothing while you cry in front of him.

You're teaching your children that women are only good for cooking, cleaning, childcare and work - that only men deserve a full life they have control over.

You're in an excellent position to leave if he is a high earner and you're married, in comparison to many other people.

So why are you prioritising staying and damaging your kids over leaving?

Oh OP, you must be exhausted! Where's your 'me' time in all of this?

There's lots of advice on here already about your husband, I don't think I could anymore to what others have said. He sounds like a very selfish man.

In the immediate term, have you considered hiring a cleaner to take some of the housework duties away from you? It doesn't solve that you'll still be tired with looking after DC and working many hours but it'll be one less plate to spin and worry about.

Even when I was heavily pregnant and being sick constantly (for the entire nine months) I still had to take dc1 to football on Fridays and Sunday mornings. Standing on a field for two hours, being sick into a bag. Not my finest moments.

I’m sorry OP but he’s not just a lazy bastard. He’s a nasty, nasty individual too.

And the fact he takes his washing to his Mother’s is absolutely disgraceful. What kind of man child has she raised? I don’t often see parental blame for the behaviour of grown adults but she’s enabling his crap behaviour by doing his laundry!

Please, please divorce him. Sounds like his mother would gladly take him in.

@Treasurechestnerd

Because having a weekend away on my own would be such a random thing to do in his eyes. He’d say no, or accuse me of going with someone else. It’s hard enough even getting out for a half hour walk some days.

Coercive and controlling behaviour.....how would he react if you told him you want a divorce?

@JadedStrumpet

But he doesn't get to say no. He's not your boss or your owner. You are being controlled by this man.

There is no point speaking to him again, other than to tell him you're filing for a divorce. He earns a huge wage. You'll see more of it in a divorce settlement than you do at the moment.

I personally wouldn't go away and leave my children with him either. He is a detached and uncaring father and I would not leave my DC with such a person either. My ex husband was the same with our twins. I did not leave him with them despite advice on here to do so. I knew they wouldn't be safe!

Knowing they won't be safe is different though. Also, surely if they divorce he will have access to the children alone regularly (barring something that we don't know)??

Going away for a weekend is not a completely random thing to do. It's a completely normal thing to do. Or should be.

This is not normal op. It's not "just life". Don't bother with all the weird behaviour suggested above of not doing his laundry, he won't change. Plan your way out. Preferably with him moving out

He’d say no, or accuse me of going with someone else.

What do you think would happen if he said no and you did it anyway? Are you scared of him? He is displaying abusive behaviour op and I'm worried that by encouraging you to leave him we could be putting you in danger. Is this how you feel?

In addition to all the very good points points that have been made above I wanted to add:

Please don’t keep modelling this dynamic to your children. It is so dysfunctional and they will not thank you for it later on in life. It’s not your fault he is so awful but you can change things.

Secondly - you sound absolutely shattered. Please be careful with this - you are not a machine. Your situation is not sustainable in physical terms. You are risking losing your health entirely. Think of being very ill and fragile in years to come. Leave this man and look after yourself and regain your strength and sense of self worth.

Oh OP. I remember your previous thread. I'm pretty sure a large amount the responses told you to LTB because we know, from bitter experience that men like this don't change, because they DON'T WANT TO.

People never 'not realise' they're not pulling their weight. He knows very well he's taking advantage but he doesn't care, because it suits him very well. A caring partner would.not treat you like this, because that's not how decent people behave.

You cannot change his behaviour. You cannot talk to him and make him see how bad it is affecting you because HE DOESN'T CARE.

They don't change. The only thing you can change is you. You need to divorce this idle useless abusive arsehole (yes, his pretending he doesn't know how his shit poor behaviour is bullshit and abusive)

Exactly what have you got to lose if you divorce him? With a six figure salary, you're clearly the primary carer, you will come out of a divorce far better than your life is currently now, just with the responsibility for one less child to look after.

Seriously, why are you expecting so little for your life that you'll accept being treated like this? Get onto a divorce lawyer today and get rid of this useless POS.

For me, I found the difference when you get rid of someone like this is NOT LIVING WITH RESENTMENT. It’s a fantastic feeling, even though you are still knackered and still have loads to do and still do everything for the kids and juggle work, kids, cooking, etc etc, finally not living with an endless anger and resentment inside you. When I got rid of my ex after three children where he did just exactly as much as suited him and I did everything, I finally felt happy and relaxed. My choice when he left was to no longer be angry.

Also - stop ironing, for goodness sake, it’s not necessary.

I'm struggling to see how you think this is a worthwhile relationship tbh. I can't believe what I'm reading.

Agree with Woodswoman about the resentment and the ironing! But if you really want to stay (not sure why, but I appreciate that the subtleties and complexities of a relationship cannot be adequately covered in one MN post), hire a cleaner and send the ironing out. You say he earns a six figure salary, so paying for this can be something he contributes. And, if lockdown has taught us anything, it’s that takeaways can ge healthy and varied too. So budget in three nights a week when you have a takeaway. No cooking, and no dishes. That should help you claw back some time and energy.

Do not cook for him. Do not do any of his laundry. Make him responsible for one child. So that if that child needs sandwiches, a swimming hat, a note, that is his job because you do everything for the_another child

Do you love this guy?

@Woodswoman that is true, i do everything because im a working single parent but im not looking at a man stretch out on the sofa while i do it!

Good you have stopped doing his washing and making his appointments. It's nuts that you ever behaved as his secretary though, the fact he will expects you to show that Therws a bit of work to do on that understanding.

What are you ironing?? I can't think that many things need ironing...

I cannot explain how nice it is to no longer live with a selfish, lazy manchild.

I’m usually loathe to jump straight onto the LTB bandwagon but I honestly can’t see any added value from having him in your house. Seek legal advice and get an understanding of how you can move forward, it will help you see the future more clearly.

Have you a friend or relative you can talk to, about this?
He is horrible.

It's hard for you to find strength to take action because you are so worn down. You must, tho, because he obviously doesn't care about you at all.