New ish man doesn’t seem to want sex?

[Battyieoa]

It’s been 8 months. We did it once after alcohol and it was ok in the way a lot of first time sex is. It wasn’t bad!

I’ve asked him why he’s reluctant and he just says he wants to take things at an ok pace. I’ve asked when he thinks he will be ready and he says soon but he’s been saying that for months.

He’s only slept with 3 people, two of which were one night stands a long long time ago, the third being a very short term relationship again a few years ago.

I’ve asked if he’s just not into sex, he says that’s not it. I’ve asked if he’s concerned about anything, he says not. I’ve asked if it’s just not something he’s bothered about, he says he is.

He’s hard when we kiss, he gives and receives oral. He’s very cuddly and intimate in other ways. I don’t get it?! Any ideas...

Also the reason I’ve been patient is that I really love him. We’ve said we love each other. I really want to be with him but this is so confusing...

After 8 months I think I'd be giving him an ultimatum ...... do it or tell me what the problem is otherwise the relationship is over. Unless sex doesn't matter that much to you.

I dunno, this is normally the period of a relationship where you can’t keep your hands off each other.

I would struggle with this too OP. Have you just done it the one time in eight months?

@MiddlesexGirl I have done that and he says there’s no problem or concern and that he just want to take a slow pace.

@ZealAndArdour we do everything else and often. Just not actual sex. I wondered if it was a confidence thing as it took him two months to kiss me and since then all that’s been great.

I’m fed up

I would be too! If you’re someone who likes PIV and see it as the “main event” (I do) then it must be really fucking frustrating!

I just don’t get it and I’m totally out of ideas now! He’s definitely not married or anything like that!

Oh fuck that. I'm in a sexless relationship and it's the absolute fucking pits. It will leave your self esteem in tatters and your confidence on the floor.

No, sorry. You have been a saint. Too complicated. Just be friends.

I dated a guy just like this but absolutely no sex whatsoever, not even a good snogging session in two years. I put him in the friend zone after a frank conversation and he said he did want sex but he had ED so would have to take medication first. Great guy but I like a bit of spontaneous passion!

I dated someone once who didn't like pic

He couldn't orgasm, and I suspect death grip/ porn reliance

It doesn't sound like you are sexually compatible. He has an unusually low sex drive. Nothing intrinsically wrong with that but I doubt it will ever be much better than this.

Love yourself more.

He doesn't want sex.

If you continue the relationship, you do so knowing this and making an active decision to live sex free or practically so.

Because this is who he is, he's showing you that. You cannot change him.

He tells me he does want it though. I’ve been gentle about it too and asked in a sensitive way

@OldTinHat can he have ED if he comes by oral? I honestly don’t get it

If this is it 8 months in, it's likely as good as it gets.

I'd cut my losses unless you can properly discuss and address it.

Eight months is enough time for anyone really. Lets face it, he's never going to get round to it.
There's lots of possible reasons why, but there's nothing you can do if he won't open up.

You're flogging a dead horse here if you want sex. This is who he is.

My guess, given that you do everything but, is that he’s got a pregnancy hang up or bad experience in his past. Only explanation I can think of. Either that or he’s worried he’ll finish too quick PIV? But at this stage, I doubt you’d mind too much...

I would end things now. He’s just stringing you along and it’s unlikely to get better.

@Battyieoa

He tells me he does want it though. I’ve been gentle about it too and asked in a sensitive way

He doesn't want sex, he is almost certainly asexual from your description of things. What he does likely want is female company someone to talk at and possibly all he's been promised is his due as a man, in terms of domestic contribution, societal standing, and old age care.

This is not a normal relationship and the future he offers cannot be as you need it to be.

Don't let him get you pregnant and trap you - the gentle soul may prove less gentle if he feels more ownership and looks likely to lose the investment. You are already a form of "beard" - i.e. his mask of "normalcy" to a coupled up world - and some otherwise disinterested men are aggressively unwilling to give this up.

Have stronger boundaries in future and take on no further fixer uppers.

Ugh
You aren't taking things slow if you're having oral sex etc. He's bullshitting you and that's not ok. He needs to be upfront about what his issue is. Personally I would have been out of there after he did this to me more than twice, what a waste of time.

Actions speak louder than words. He's telling you he wants it but if he did he would be doing it. He may just have really low sex drive that will never improve, that would be my concern.

How old is he?

Surely one of the main points of being in a relationship is to have regular sex? Not the only point, granted, but it's definately up there in importance.

OP we never even managed that tbh. As a PP said its literally like flogging a limp dead horse. No passion or sexual interest whatsoever so I said "let's just be friends" which is all we ever were in hindsight. I think if you want a healthy sex life you may have to make the same decision.

Could he be a virgin?