New ish man doesn’t seem to want sex?

[Battyieoa]

It’s been 8 months. We did it once after alcohol and it was ok in the way a lot of first time sex is. It wasn’t bad!

I’ve asked him why he’s reluctant and he just says he wants to take things at an ok pace. I’ve asked when he thinks he will be ready and he says soon but he’s been saying that for months.

He’s only slept with 3 people, two of which were one night stands a long long time ago, the third being a very short term relationship again a few years ago.

I’ve asked if he’s just not into sex, he says that’s not it. I’ve asked if he’s concerned about anything, he says not. I’ve asked if it’s just not something he’s bothered about, he says he is.

He’s hard when we kiss, he gives and receives oral. He’s very cuddly and intimate in other ways. I don’t get it?! Any ideas...

You’re flogging a dead horse.

Gosh I didn’t know all the responses would be so similar. I feel like I can’t push it as that’s cruel and unfair. And I’m so so so happy with him otherwise.

I don’t want to be awful to him or make him feel bad. We have intimacy in other ways, oral, massages, cuddles, kissing, we are naked together and close. It’s very strange!

I know he will just say he wants things to be at a slow pace. As he’s been saying for the last few months. I don’t think he’s asexual or he wouldn’t be hard every time we kiss!

@PaniniHead I don’t think so he said he’s had two one night stands. I’ve also seen condoms in his bathroom.

Oh and he’s 38.

But none of the stuff you mentioned equals slow pace. It's a crock of shit. But why?

Is it possible he has ED? Just because he can get an erection doesn't mean he's capable of having penetrative sex?

He either doesn't like PIV or he has some psychological issue that causes him to lose his erection. Maybe both.
If you're happy with naked cuddles and oral being there entirely of your sex life then carry on. He's not going to spontaneously shag your brains out.

Stop wasting your time because this man is feeding you bullshit. He has an issue with sex and I implore you not to make it your problem. Run for your life. This will not get better.

I agree with PP. He's not taking it slow. He's doing everything at a normal pace he's just not have PIV sex with you.

How is oral taking it slow?

Sorry but in my experience in an 8 month relationship its normal to be shagging like rabbits.
The fact you do everything but full sex is a huge red flag to me. This guy has got a hang up or issue he's not telling you about

this is as good as it gets. If you want a man to have s full sexual relationship with, this isn't the one

It's his choice really. It's very likely to continue like that. It's up to you if you want to continue the relationship or not.

Personally I couldn't deal with that.

Perhaps he wants to avoid an unwanted pregnancy. The number of contraception failures and split condoms on this site is truly unbelievable.

Do you think he's scared of pregnancy? Maybe he's had a bad experience in the past?

Could he already be in a relationship and not want full sex? (He might not see it as cheating if he doesn't have sex).

Or religious/cultural reasons. I had a friend who dated a very handsome footballer once but he would not go through with sex because he was catholic and she was on the pill?

My guess? Porn grip! Too much furious wanking means difficulties with real life sex. Another possible is very low sex drive which may be emotional or may be due to a physical cause (and if there's a potential physical cause the causes can be very serious and need to be diagnosed and treated urgently)

He can get an erection so that isn't the issue, also this would suggest probably not gay either (although still a possibility).

The lack of a sustained sexual relationship in the past is worrying as suggests both sexual and emotional immaturity. Is he very young? Restrictive upbringing?

He has to be honest or there's no point continuing.

Bit out of left field but still a possibility - a serious sti eg hepatitis b or hiv which he may have not yet felt ready to tell you. But I sincerely hope not given the oral as while oral transmission is less likely it can still happen.

Time for a come to Jesus talk. Cards on the table, he tells you what the issue is or it's over it's not fair on you for him to not be honest about a crucial part of a romantic relationship

Condoms but no piv...I'm becoming more concerned here. I'm guessing no condoms used for oral?

Sorry to be blunt but if you are comfortable to have his penis in your mouth then you should be comfortable enough to ask him outright what the issue is

@nolovelost

Could he already be in a relationship and not want full sex? (He might not see it as cheating if he doesn't have sex).

That was my other thought. The Bill Clinton defence

I don't really get his whole idea of 'a slow pace' when he has told you he loved you after 8 months.

I don’t know how to answer these questions as I don’t know what his answer is except ‘yes he wants to, yes soon, yes when we are ready (I’ve told him I am) and no there’s no problem or worry about it.’

Maybe I’ve not been forceful enough. I feel cruel doing that though.

Hold the press. You’ve seen condoms In His bathroom so he clearly has sex. Just not with you. Cut your losses and run.

@Horst it’s not that. He’s not sleeping with anyone else.

I know you're not expecting a raging inferno OP, but I don't this guy wants to light a candle.

I think you need to have a sit down chat and ask him to be honest. There's taking it slow, and there's taking the piss.

You can't carry on like this.

How do you say I demand sex or I’m waking away