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Original poster

New ish man doesn’t seem to want sex?

198 replies

Battyieoa · 11/06/2021 18:29

It’s been 8 months. We did it once after alcohol and it was ok in the way a lot of first time sex is. It wasn’t bad!

I’ve asked him why he’s reluctant and he just says he wants to take things at an ok pace. I’ve asked when he thinks he will be ready and he says soon but he’s been saying that for months.

He’s only slept with 3 people, two of which were one night stands a long long time ago, the third being a very short term relationship again a few years ago.

I’ve asked if he’s just not into sex, he says that’s not it. I’ve asked if he’s concerned about anything, he says not. I’ve asked if it’s just not something he’s bothered about, he says he is.

He’s hard when we kiss, he gives and receives oral. He’s very cuddly and intimate in other ways. I don’t get it?! Any ideas...

OP posts:
Wegobshite · 11/06/2021 21:22

Either you posted this before pretty much word for word
Or there is another man who can do everything but the deed
Anyway after 8 months I would be getting rid
It’s not going to be getting any better
If you not shagging like rabbits to start with then I don’t think that it will honestly get any better in the future .

AmberIsACertainty · 11/06/2021 21:25

@Battyieoa

How do you say I demand sex or I’m waking away
You've basically been saying it with all your conversations. So now you're at the walking away part. Sorry Sad it's not a question of "taking it slow" you've already had sex! I've never been in a healthy relationship where the sexual side of things went backwards. Once you've done something once then unless you didn't like it you tend to keep doing it with some or other degree of regularity? He's lying to you about wanting full sex, manipulating you into staying with him when he knows you both want different things. He suspects that if you find out the truth you'll leave. He's not nearly as nice as you think he is, if he can manipulate you like he is doing.
category12 · 11/06/2021 21:26

he was funny about staying in each other’s beds for a while. That stopped about 3 months in and we do that regularly now. He didn’t tell his family about me for ages as apparently it was a very big thing to tell them hmm but again he has since told them, he did that around 5 months in. We’ve said we love each other to each other a handful of times but when I say it he will often just kiss me or say something else unrelated to what I’ve said.

Seriously? What? A bit unusual?!

What's your relationship history like, OP?

Nataliafalka · 11/06/2021 21:27

Op this isn’t going to get better abs you can’t make excuses for him. In the long term it will destroy you. I had a 20 year marriage with ah amazing man who has major sexual hang ups. It never got better and it nearly destroyed me. I thought it was me, that I didn’t want it.

I’ve now had sex with 2 men since then. One was a FWB who reignited my libido and reminded me that good and fulfilling sex is massively important,

The second is my current partner. He’s about 10 years older than your partner and our sex life is brilliant. It takes the relationship to a whole other level. It’s not fair on you, you’re too young to settle however much you love him. Long term it’s a lonely and frustrating road

twilightermummy · 11/06/2021 21:33

I agree with the poster above - he really isn’t as nice as you think he is.
Also, late 30s is quite some age to have only had a couple of one night stands. If that were truly the case, he wouldn’t be keeping condoms in his bathroom cupboard. Something is well off with this.

Original poster
Battyieoa · 11/06/2021 21:34

@category12 do you not think that’s unusual? Maybe I am being unfair.

OP posts:
Original poster
Battyieoa · 11/06/2021 21:37

The condom thing has now made me wonder. I don’t know. He seems genuine as in seems inexperienced. Fucks sake why can’t I just find a good one. I thought he was :(

OP posts:
category12 · 11/06/2021 21:40

No, of course it's unusual. Jeez.

Why are you spooning up all his utter nonsense and weirdness? Why are you chasing after someone who ignores your "I love yous" and pushes you off when you try to initiate sex?

What is going on with you?

pinkmagnolias · 11/06/2021 21:41

We’ve said we love each other to each other a handful of times but when I say it he will often just kiss me or say something else unrelated to what I’ve said

He’s stringing you along OP.

Do not let this become your normal.
Find someone who loves you as you love him.

My guess is you are not the woman he wants but he’s keeping you at arms le until Ms Right re/appears.

Original poster
Battyieoa · 11/06/2021 21:41

@category12 I don’t know. I thought we got on well. I do love him. These things only became apparent as time went on really.

But you’re right, not sure what I’m doing really.

OP posts:
category12 · 11/06/2021 21:46

I think as time goes on you would find deeper and deeper levels of fucked-up-ness with him.

There's a reason he's never had a proper relationship before.

Original poster
Battyieoa · 11/06/2021 21:47

@category12 I was hoping it was just something like he was too shy, or too into his career or just never met the right one. I feel so deflated tonight.

OP posts:
Snowallspring · 11/06/2021 21:50

@sociallydistained

This is gonna be as good as it gets which means the future looks bleak for you. My best friend married a man like this. Things got much much worse. It will end soon because it’s a miserable existence and yet I have no doubt he loves her to bits but he’s unwilling to get help. My friend feels shit all the time now and has fantasies of cheating. What a life. If he won’t address it now there’s little hope.
Never understood why anyone marries someone knowing that the sex is crap.
JustAnotherOldMan · 11/06/2021 21:54

@Battyieoa

How do you say I demand sex or I’m waking away
After a meal and with a drink each, put a couple of condoms on the table and open the conversation with with something along the lines of “ I know you want to take is slowly, but I need to when we are going to start having regular sex as it’s important to me in a relationship...”

And go from there, will probably be a difficult conversation, but at least you will have some direction.

ihtwsf · 11/06/2021 22:05

He tells me he does want it though

One thing I have learnt in recent years is to pay less attention to the words coming out of a man's mouth and more attention to their actions.
He says he does want sex but there is no indication of this whatsoever.
If he wanted sex he would have done it by now.
There's obviously an issue here and if he's unable/not prepared to talk to you about it then the relationship is dead in the water anyway because you can be sure he will behave in the same way about other (non-sexual) issues in the future.

And
A few things haven’t been that normal with him really
What other things haven't been normal with him?

me4real · 11/06/2021 22:07

There are LOADS of women who would love to have a man who did everything else but didn't want PIV. They'd be relieved!

There are those of us who love it though. Smile I wouldn't like a sex life without it again- had too much of that with various lovers with ED issues.

A dildo isn't the same, it can't mimic the physical action of PIV easily, or the intimacy.

@Battyieoa If it does turn out he gets ED due to performance anxiety, you could ask him to wear a strap-on. But emotionally, it doesn't have the same romance to it if a man has to use one for penetration. I know sex isn't always like how it is in the movies, but still.

He could try some sort of therapy I suppose. But all this would require admitting he has a problem.

AmberIsACertainty · 11/06/2021 22:11

What do you want for your future OP? So you want children? You know that you want PIV sex or you wouldn't even be posting this thread. You've also mentioned that you're staying out of love buy that if the relationship doesn't progress your feelings will change. Its pretty much common knowledge that the older you get the harder it is to find someone decent who you have a connection with. So you want to be 40's childless and potentially facing a future alone because you wasted whats left of your fertility years on him and now all the men your age are either horrible or looking for a woman in her 30's? Maybe that wouldn't be your situation, but you don't have a crystal ball and you don't need to take that risk either.

"But I love him"
But he's no good for you.
He's making you unhappy.

If you really loved him you wouldn't want him to be different. You're in love with 'fantasy him' who doesn't actually exist.

He does have a right to aim for the sort of relationship or sex life that he wants, as another poster pointed out. And if he was posting here we'd all be telling him that and being supportive, same as if he was a woman posting about a similar issue. But he doesn't have a right to expect someone else to put up with what he wants when it isn't what they want too. It's 'leave' because we're supporting the OP here, the person who posted this thread, and not her partner.

WildfirePonie · 11/06/2021 22:25

I’ve also seen condoms in his bathroom.

Why does he have condoms that he doesn't use? Did you check the expiry date? How many are in the packet?

bumblebee1980a · 11/06/2021 22:31

I could have written this...

Years ago with someone I was dating.. I found out he was into paying for sex, swinging and having sex with people he didn't know the names of.

WAF

Original poster
Battyieoa · 11/06/2021 22:34

@WildfirePonie expiry was 2025.

@bumblebee1980a did he seem like the type to do that in hindsight? This man just doesn’t seem like he would. Though I guess you never really know do you.

OP posts:
bumblebee1980a · 11/06/2021 22:36

@Battyieoa

Of course not.

I wouldn't touch anyone with a barge pole if I had thought they were into that.

Haffiana · 11/06/2021 22:38

I have only known two men who were reluctant to have sex.

The first turned out to suffer from a very short frenulum which would split and bleed during piv sex, but generally not during oral. I believe he eventually had an operation to fix it.

The second withheld sex as a control thing. I had no idea why he would go so far and then just stop. I was baffled, but polite, thoughtful, gentle, positive, encouraging etc etc. I made all sorts of allowances and made up all sorts of pleasant stories in my head to justify it for him... And then one night he got drunk and told me that he 'wasn't going to give me the satisfaction of making him come inside me'. I remember the total shock of that feeling that I didn't actually know this man AT ALL. That was the abrupt end of that relationship!

MissOrganisedMe · 11/06/2021 22:40

@Sillawithans

Oh fuck that. I'm in a sexless relationship and it's the absolute fucking pits. It will leave your self esteem in tatters and your confidence on the floor.
Seconding this.

I put up with it from a partner in similar circumstances to you. Honestly, I don't think my self esteem/confidence has ever really recovered despite me being the one that ended it.

Just don't do it to yourself.

ihtwsf · 11/06/2021 22:40

He does have a right to aim for the sort of relationship or sex life that he wants, as another poster pointed out. And if he was posting here we'd all be telling him that and being supportive, same as if he was a woman posting about a similar issue. But he doesn't have a right to expect someone else to put up with what he wants when it isn't what they want too. It's 'leave' because we're supporting the OP here, the person who posted this thread, and not her partner

This sums it up perfectly.
You two are just not sexually compatible.

ihtwsf · 11/06/2021 22:41

When my ex went through phases of not wanting PIV sex it turned out he was paying sex workers.